bad depressionand cfs/ hate my life (rant)

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by bigmama2, Jul 17, 2010.

  1. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    i have both cfs and get bouts of severe depression. they are 2 completely seperate illnesses and i can feel which is which. of course they do both influence each other. and one flaring up often causes the other to get worse.

    lately my depression has been SEVERE. for a few weeks. then got a lil better, then nose dived again today. i started bawling while driving in my car. i have the "big bad thought" (not allowed to be mentioned by name on this board) daily. many times a day. but i can't actually do it because of my dog, and my mother and brother would be so devastated. i feel so trapped. there is only one way out, but it would be too hurtful to my family. i dont want to make them suffer.

    yes i am on depr meds. yes i have a shrink. yes i have tried upping the meds. yes i have tried talk therapy many times. yes i have prayed. yes i have tried different medications. i dont know what else to do. there is nothing else to do, but suffer.

    the cfs and the mental illness of depression have ruined my life. i hate my life. i cant work, cant get approved for disability (long story), cant get a date to save my life or make real friends or anything. i am isolated. i am going crazy. this is not good.

    i am a freak of nature that does not belong on this earth. if there was a colony of similar freaks on Mars i would go there right now.

    i even moved from pennsylvania for florida thinking it would help. it sort of helped. i have had an unbelievable string of insane bad luck here.
  2. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    since i have moved to florida to try and make a better life for myself- in the last year or so- so much has gone horribly wrong that i may have to write a book about it. i would tell you all about it here, but it would take up too much room. i wouldnt even know where to start.

    but besides all of that. the worst thing is the sense of isolation. ironically, i am a very friendly, open, kind, nice person. i am not meeting any people i connect with. at all. !!!!!!!! but i have had the pleasure of meeting the most unethical sleezy low class scum of the earth bunch of people i have even met in my entire life. i am 40. i have lived many places in the usa and i have NEVER EVER EVER seen anything like it.

    of course there are plenty of nice good normal people here but none of them are looking for friends because they all already have friends, husbands, careers, kids, etc.

    and it doesnt help that the average age in this town is 70. no, i am not exaggerating, it is an extremely older population here. and it is extremely conservative politically and socially. which is the opposite of me. so i dont fit in at all. (all the older conservative crowd has a blast with eachother, though! - good for them).

    i moved here because i have relatives who bought a vacation home here, and i visited, and fell in love w the stunning natural beauty of the beaches and the skies, and the fantastic wildlife. that part of the last year has been wonderful. i make a point to get out and appreciate those things almost every single day. but now i realize that stunning sunsets are not enough to make up for the fact that i am alone 24/7. isolation and not having "real" connections with good friends drives my depression to bad bad levels. sure i have pleasant chit chat with anyone i come in contact with (like i said, i am very friendly). but it is no substitute for REAL friends who you really like and they really like you.

    is there something wrong with me for needing quality companionship? and being depressed that i have no friends or family here? i have absolutely noone i can call and say hey lets go out to lunch or whatever.

    several people have wanted to be friends with me. however, one of them was psycho (dont ask), and the others have all been married men who wanted to cheat on their wives, then there was a couple whose pit bull attacked my dog. i went to a cfs support group meeting, and i was the only one who showed up.

    so things are really going swell.

    sorry for the massive rant, but i had to get this off my chest.


  3. kat0465

    kat0465 New Member

    Not a freak of nature, if that were so there would be millions of freaks walking around.
    and God don't make Junk.

    I think at one time or another the Big Bad thought rears it's Ugly head. Ad it is Ugly, Yes you have a damn good reason to be depressed( your sick)

    i Know a forum dosen't take the place of a real person, but were all here for you.were dealing with the same things you go thru, so we understand.

    i know it's hard waiting for the stupid cdc, Dr's and whoever else has out fate in thier hands.but were soooo close now!!! if i can wait 20+ years to be well, i can wait a little longer and so can you.

    i truly believe it's just a matter of time, and soon we will get some relief and some of our life back. i know you cant see it,but theres got to be a reason for all this.just remember how many people would be devastated if you were not in this world!!

    Like my daughter has told me, she would not be whole without me here :) that gives me a reason to be.

    And also i have 7 dogs that would starve to death,lol. ;) So just Talk to us bigmama2 we know what it's like.
  4. kat0465

    kat0465 New Member

    and speaking of A**H***S. when i posted on face book that i had this disease and some stuff about the XMRV virus.
    suddenly those friends from school i've known my whole damn life, don't speak to me anymore. they dont invite me anywhere either.

    It's like saying i have aids. it's just me and my dogs and my daughter( who will be flying the nest soon)
    i think God has given you this time of solitude for a reason, i think he knows you are around people that are no good and this is the time to work on you. Take care of you, revel in the beauty he made and that you get to see every day.

    I know it's hard to see beauty thru pain, but just think if we were born in some 3rd world country, where they know very little beauty or that we are Blessed.
    Hang in there!!
  5. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    ok this part is some of the stuff i have tried to meet people

    i go to the beach, or dog park, etc daily. and i chat w people. no one is my age. there are many seniors, and young 20s people who are too young for me and ummm not people i would have anythig in common with anyways (think tons of tattoos and unneutered pitbulls) (no offense to anyone here if that is your style)

    i walk around my neighborhood alot. (thats how i met the married men)

    there are volunteer opportunities- but all the other volunteers are about 80 yrs old. i know this because i have looked into it.

    i am thinking of going to a church. which should be fun because i am a dedicated atheist and extremely liberal. so i am sure i will fit in great. i went once on christmas eve and almsot everyone was 80. no this is not a lie. ask the people i went with.

    i am trying internet dating- not going well- due to my being overweight. and not being able to work/have income. somehow the guys are not too interested in fat, tired, cfs, non working, have zero friends, women. how wierd is that?!!!! i would love a nice guy, and i would love a nice overweight guy, but the funny thing is that even the fat guys say they will not date fat women. yes they actually write that on their "profile".

    i am not healthy enough to join a active group or club that like to go biking or long hikes or whatever.

    i did join a gym and go swimming a lot. saw lots of nice 80yr olds.

    i joined a disabled dating website- and have the pleasure of being contacted by nigerian scam artists, and a bunch of dudes who i am old enough to be their mother but they still wanted me "to turn on the webcam and get nekkad". that is a direct quote.

    well, i am at my wits end.

    i hope this pathetic story made someone laugh, or at least say, wow- at least my life isnt that bad. and if your life is as bad or worse than mine is- i am truly very sorry, and i hope that it can get better someday.

  6. kat0465

    kat0465 New Member

    it has to be doing something, why else would i have lesions on the brain!!!
    Nothing about this is simple, theres so many things to factor in.
  7. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    thanks kat and glen for listening and writing back.

    kat- wow 7 dogs!!! dogs are the best thing in the world. so loving. i am sure your dogs are adorable. i am sorry about your "friends" when you told them about xmrv. that is not cool.

    glen- yes i do think you may be right about the bug and cfs and depr.
  8. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    i am very glad my rant had you laughing. actually i was just laughing too. in the shower. while crying and washing my hair. did you ever laugh/cry at the same time? (not the happy or funny laugh, the "i am having a psychotic break right now laugh"). i am very serious. i would probably qualify for admission to the psychiatric ward about now. (not that theres anything wrong with that). i would go, but i know of various people who did go, and had very bad experiences. so i am much more comfortable going insane at home.

    my mom is flying in soon for the usual- to make sure i dont harm myself. (this part is not a joke.)

    where in florida were you? how long? I am in Venice. that is too funny about the library wives! if i was capable of laughing in the normal way right now, i would laugh. (i will have to re-read your funny story tomorrow.)

    speaking of books- i had a good ole fashioned "i'm so depressed i could die so lets buy some stuff shopping spree" at bookstore tonight. i bought the usual cheer ya up fare- "philosophy for dummies", a book on noam chomsky, and a few travel books on austin, denver, and portland. (so i can fantasize about moving there).

    where do you live now? how is it?

    i am sorry you dont have family in your life. i am grateful for mine. i'm glad you have some nice birds. just watch out that they dont nip ya in your nips. (LOL)

  9. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    I know it isn't easy. But, examine the positives in your life and celebrate them. You have a mother and brother who love you. You are in a beautiful place geographically. You have made it this far, keep taking steps forward. Hold on to those positives, hold them close and cherish them.

    Realize and accept that those people who are no longer in your life are not there for a reason. You have chosen to respect and love yourself by not allowing sleazy questionable people into your life. That tells me you have the will and power to go on.

    I have been in the dark place you are in now. Once it was someone who was only in my life for a short time, not family like one would expect, although they knew and just brushed me off, who helped pull me up. Once it was a stranger on the other end of the phone.

    My point is, you are not alone. You have us. The majority, if not all, of us on this board have been where you are. We are here for each other.

    If you would like to talk, email me. I am alone too.

    I don't have much, but what I have are 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a wonderful 7 year old boy who all rely on my. They are the positives in my life that I hold onto. Once I realized that those who were no longer in my life had been toxic, I felt free. I felt unburdened. I have a new sense of myself. I have made the decision to treat this 'lonely' period of time in my life as the opportunity to get to know myself. To evaluate what I want and need.

    Take this time for you. Listen to yourself. Not the negative self-talk, but the you deep inside who chose to move to a beautiful place. Why did you move there? What did you expect? What did you want out of your new surroundings? Write these things down. mull them over. Then, make them happen.

    Taking a small step is the first step in your next journey. I know it is hard. Make your first step spending the day or 10 minutes under an umbrella simply enjoying the beach. don't worry about anything. Simply enjoy the moment. It all starts there.


  10. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    what a nice post!

    so many of us here are animal lovers. glad you have your pets and your son, and that you got the toxic people out of your life. i hope your "lonely" time now is productive for you. it sounds like it will be.

    i have been in "lonely time" for several years now. i cant take it anymore. i moved here to start a new life, get healthier (cfs),get healthier in general, lose weight, enjoy the nature, and make good solid friendships, and start dating again, and start to work part time.

    some of these goals i have made progress- my cfs is a bit better, various health problems are better (the famous "poo"), i have lost 30 lbs, and i have enjoyed the nature sooo much every day. it's just the friends and dating that is a big disaster. and also the very bad sleazy people that i have met and had to deal with nonstop. so it's a "people" issue. you can not trust anyone down here.

    there is a reason so many "cops" tv shows are filmed in florida. it is a haven for criminal minded people. and perverts, and other dangerous and unsavory types. as i have said before- i have live all over the usa, and traveled to many countries, and i have never seen anything like this. and when i say seen, i mean personally dealt with these "bad" people. almost everyone i have dealt with has been unethical. my faith in humanity is BADLY shaken. its very sad actually. i have had a radical shift in thinking. i used to think that most people are inherently good decent people. sure dont think that anymore- at least not in florida. its screw or be screwed around here. and i have been screwed over so many times here, you really wouldnt believe the whole story if i told you.

    oh a positive note- the nature is fantastic. look up venice florida and you will see it. if the people were good here, it would be a true paradise. we have not yet had any signs of the gulf oil spill. hope it stays that way. who knows?

    take care,

  11. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    I also have a ton of extended relatives that live there. I was in St Augustine for some time. I also spent time in Vero, Gainsville, and Orlando. The humidity makes my Jew fro even bigger (poking fun at aussie here) I do miss the beach. But, I don't miss the creep who watched my undergarments tumble in the washer/dryer during my first and last experience at a laundry mat in St Augustine, so I know what you mean about the population. I don't know what it is about Florida, maybe the heat and humidity do something to the brain.

    You can take it. You have come this far, no reason to stop.

    Oh, and Aussie, it is currently 93 here in Denver. At least it cooled down from the 102 it hit today.
  12. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    i am so glad to hear that you truly understand the "situation" in florida. sorry you understand it due to first hand experience! its just too bizarre. your tale of the reference desk is a good one! sounds like a lot of fun-- HAAAAAAAA! I especially enjoy the 2 parts about the patrons trying to steal things.

    my mom bought a hardback book at a regular bookstore. when she got home to read it she realized that someone had stolen a chapter or two. by using a razor to slice the pages out of the book. W......T.......F.........???!!!!!

    when i first moved here i was friends with a woman who moved to fla a few years back and she is extremely bitter about having been here. (yes, even more bitter than i am- LOL) (but i'm workin on it ;) she was from up north and she couldnt believe the general lack of education in many folks down here. she couldnt make any friends either and she was totally going insane. she wants out. i couldnt remain friends w her- she had a very nasty streak that i will not tolerate. not sure if she was like that before florida, or if florida just drove her to become like that.

    the funniest thing is that i almost made a friend! i met someone who i had stuff in common with, and i would have liked to have her as a friend, and she felt the same about me. only problem was that she is my shrink. so we couldnt be friends because of professional rules of conduct. she moved here a year ago and loathes it. recently i had my appt w her and she told me she is moving back up north and getting the he-- outta here. but she said she would have liked to be friends w me and gave me her personal email and ph number. she is a good lady and i know she will be much happier leaving.


  13. kat0465

    kat0465 New Member

    i know i know, Tx HOT HOT HOT!! but theres one part i'd move to in a hot Minute.

    Look Up new Braunsfels Tx or Gruene Tx. SOOOO Pretty, young Crowd,Our age Crowd, And Lovely Guadalupe River. it's beautiful there.... sigh.

    i went a couple months ago, and although i was feeling too bad to float the river, i did sit on the edge & soak my feet :)
    Im with Aussie..... Move the hell away from Florida!!! it is for Old people, Tourists, & smart assed 20 somethings.

    Im about 20 miles from the gulf coast, and im so ready to get the hell outta dodge!! sick of running from storms, and living in this one horse town. Im hoping when my daughter flies the nest, she will fly to Gruene and i can visit( live with her)hahahha
  14. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    good one about your jew fro! i sport a lovely jew fro myself, which is odd because i am irish and raised protestant. did you read my post about the frizzyhair on chit chat?

    please tell me about what denver is like compared to florida- specificly regarding the people.

    by the way - holey moley- 102 today in denver!!!!!!!!! whew only was 95 here.

  15. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    i am considering tx. i have a good friend who lives in austin and loooooooves it. i have visited 2x and it is pretty awesome. and she took me to gruene!!!!!! very cool! (unfort my friend is terrible about understanding cfs- many hurtful comments-) i was deciding between moving to austin or florida and like a genious i chose fla. (the beaches stole my heart, and i have an aunt who i love who lives here part time, and there are some other reasons having to do w family.) plus the heat in austin is actually worse than here in fla and im not sure i can handle that cfs wise.

    cant we all just start an awesome cfs community on Mars? you are all cordially invited!!!!!!!!


  16. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    ha!!!!!!!!!!!! the shrink story is a good one isnt it!!!!!! she was more depressed here than i was. i would go in to my appts over the last year and after we checked my meds, i would try to help HER out with coping with moving here and hating it!!! no lie! she is not a big beach person like i am so there was NOTHING keeping her here.

    i lived in fairfax va for about 7 yrs. i liked it pretty well except at that point i had undiagnosed cfs which is a very very difficult phase to be in. you can t function and you dont know why. you slowly become a different person and it doesnt make any sense. then you lose your career. i was a high school spanish teacher in fairfax co. i tool naps in my car in the parking lot during lunch break.

    ya in dc area sometime i felt like a moron because i only have a BA and only speak 3 languages. haaaaaaaaaaa! you know what i mean!!!!!!!!!!!! now with cfs i only speak about .75 of a language- english. the other 25 % is lost to brain fog!

  17. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    oregon. well as usual i have a funny story about that. have i ever been? almost. my brother also has cfs, but we're not totally dead yet, and we wanted to take a trip together. we decided on coastal oregon because he was a big surfer (pre cfs- duh). so the 2 of us sickies bought tickets to fly to oregon and visit- but then we were too sick w cfs to actually go. ack!!!! classic.

    i am sure the scenery is stunning

  18. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    i have to tell you that your kindness and support tonight has meant so much to me. i am serious. i feel so much better. and more hopeful. i dont feel like "all hope is permanently lost" like i felt when i started this post. i feel like maybe my life can get better.

    i am a little choked up right now. In the good way. the kindness of strangers. you guys have really racked up some good karma points for yourselves tonight!

    thank you guys so much!!!!

    cyber group hug!



    i think i will log off now and try to get some sleep. thanks again, ladies!!!!
  19. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    thanks again!!!

    thanks aussie for the compliment! ( i have seen some pretty comical posts from you too sometimes)

    i am so glad i "vented" on this board tonight. you guys have been great.

    (its so late i probably wont make it to church tomorrow. which is a good thing for both me and the attendees of whatever church i was going to attend. it wasnt gonna be pretty.)


    ps- to anyone who may read this whole thread- i hope i havent offended any floridians or anyone else by my comments. i know there are wonderful good people here just like there are good and bad people anywhere. i just unfort have met too many of the bad ones- that is just my personal experience here. so please, anyone don't be offended. thanks)(and also please no offense meant to the older folks on this board. i just wanted to express that i want to meet more local people who are closer to my age. its just seems like its easier to have more in common that way. hope that makes sense.)

    [This Message was Edited on 07/18/2010]
  20. valentinelynx

    valentinelynx New Member

    We are all freaks of nature.
    None of us belong on this planet.
    The secret is, everyone of us thinks we are the only one who feels this way.
    We all are alone in the same way.
    Some are better at pretending.
    Isn't it great to know we are all alone together?