Bad marraige for years, now complicated by fibro, etc...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ayhatch, Nov 7, 2006.

  1. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    I've had a difficult marraige for years now. In my view, it's my husband's drinking. (Which developed after our first child was born.) After my first child ewas born was also the timing for my starting to get sick. There were life changes...becoming a Mom, etc. that my husband did not adjust to. He says I pulled away from him. Oh, Boo Hoo! Excuse me if the tiny helpless baby needs my attention and you don't get to have sex every damn day because I'm exhausted!
    Anyway, there is a lot of resentment and unhappiness that has built up over the years. All the while I've known I didn't feel right and I've been trying to figure it out for years. Husband has blamed me for being sick...even when I was pregnant and really sick. He'd yell at me about feeling sick all the time! Way to be a sensative expectant father!
    His drinking has distanced me. I don't want to be near him or do anything for him. He has belittled all the efforts I've made to get healthier. I've changed my diet and he makes fun of the food I eat. I'm gluten intolerant. He says he doesn't know how to cook for me...has he even tried? Other reasons for not doing things for him... We have been very seperate and independant since we first dated. He never liked my doing things for him. Then when we married and he "allowed" me to do his laundry, cook for him, etc. He criticized the way I did these things. So I have been sytematically discouraged over the years to the point I do nothing for him. BUT, you know what, doing laundry, cooking,cleaning house, earning a paycheck, paying the bills and taking care of your kids are NOT in the category of doing things for a spouse. These are obligations that any responsible adult should be carrying out. What has he done for me? Belittle me, become an alcoholic, doesn't have a clue about my illnesses, doesn't support me emotionally.
    SOOOOOOO, now I finally have a diagnosis. Not only do I have fibro and Myofascial Pain Syndrome, but I also have Sjogren's and Adrenal Insuffiency. Now I know that my withdrawel from sex and expending any "happy" energy my husband's way has been due to the symptoms of these diseases. There is so much unhappiness and bitterness on his part AND his so addicted to alcohol that he can't see the logic in blaming my behavior on these diseases. Now, I have to worry about survival. I need Health insurance, I can't work, so I need financial suport I need more help with my kids... I need a partner with a clue. He is not the one, but I just can't kill the marraige. We are in counseling, but what's the point if he's still drinking and so bitter that he can only see his needs and not my failing health. I've also recently applied for permanent disability, so I'm very worried about that process.
    Just this morning he finally said he wanted to move toward divorce. It's devasataing, but I was releived that he finally said it. Panic sets in thinking about being without money or health insurance, but he told me he doesn't care about these things...he needs that divorce paper to move on.
    Then the passive- aggressive jerk (that I still love, but can't tolerate the pain of sex or even a hug sometimes)... calls me after I left the house and says we need to talk with the counselor some more before we finalize this decision. Because in his heart he wants to stay, but his head says to leave.
    HELP!!!!!! What do I do?The stress is making my symptoms worse, but stay or leave I still need to deal with this mess. Who has gotten divorced because of their illness? How do I survive this?

    Thanks...
  2. razorqueen

    razorqueen Member

    sounds like things are really bad for you right now, and have been for a LONG time.

    I too, have been in a stress filled marriage for almost 21 yrs, tho my cercumstances are somewhat differnt. But, they too have lead to my decline in health. I have FM, CMPS, and have recently found out that my adrenal glands aren't functioning properly, and will be getting treatment for that soon.

    My husband and I have been committed to our marriage, and have had numerous different counceling sessions thru out. I have had to push myself away emotionally to preserve my sanity.

    We are making big efforts to make this work. We will NOT give up! It is extremely difficult tho, as right now, I don't feel much for him, tho I know love is a choice, and I am choosing this. I am getting counceling, and now he will be too, as God has revealed things from his childhood that he needs to deal with.

    One thing that opened his eyes to how he is, and how he has effected our family are books on the different types of personalities. This is something we all should look into. One book is "Spirit-Controlled Temperament" by Tim LaHaye, another "Personality Plus" by Florence Littauer.

    My Husband suffers from depression that hasn't responded well to treatment. In my counceling, I've learned about how I've responded to him and why, and have been given ideas on how to change my responses, so I can remain in control of myself.

    We have a long way to go. But, as Christians, we have to put God first, and trust that He will work in our lives and give us marriage we have always wanted, but with LOTs of work.

    Try and find ways in which to reduce your stress. I am still learning this, and haven't been overly successful, but we are just starting on this long journey of restoring our marriage.

    I will pray that God will do the same for you.

    Raz
  3. tinktink

    tinktink New Member

    Hello Ayhatch,

    Sounds like you are under a lot of extra stress with your marriage right now.

    When someone who drinks to the point where it affects their lives and those lives around them negatively they will not stop their behaviors and patterens until their drinking stops and they work on their behaviors.

    Alanon meetings for you would give you a lot of insight and support into how to deal with a loved ones drinking. Please find a meeting and go. You will find many people there in the same situation and good support too.

    Best Wishes Diana

  4. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Sweetie,you are in a mess and I understand what you are going through . One of my daughters went through a very similar situation, as you except that she had not been dxed with FM. She did have thyroid problems and probably some other things. He wouldn't even pay for her bills, when she went to an alternative dr. since the others were not helping her.

    He also drank, maybe not every day but when he did he could get mean to her. There lots of mental abuse and he used to call her names and such when he drank.
    He never gave her any money or did much for the boys (3)alot of the time esp when he changed to the night shift. All he did was sleep and do what he wanted to do. The house needed alot of work and he did very little to fix it. Everything was the almighty dollar. She didn't tell me alot about the situation till she blew and told him she wanted a divorce and was leaving. However, I did know some of this , never having money, etc. a bad situation and never doing anything around the house.

    She had almost left him 15 years or so ago when the oldest (now 16) was little. Now she has three sons, the middle boy has Learning disabilities and the youngest , almost 5 was dxed with leukemia. That happened almost the same time she left...The two youngest live with her and the oldest wants to stay with dad, who knows why ! He loves him anyway. Her x went to AA or something like that years ago when she almost left him, he went for awhile and then said he didn't need it anymore. He used to come home from work (after the night shift) and go out drinking with the boys at that time. Thought he was getting better but I guess not. She didn't even have a car really, just one that she shared with him when he was home sleeping. So when he finally got another one, and she found a job she told him that was it and she wanted a divorce.

    It is such a hard thing to do, divorce. However,she has lots of problems still and is the one doing most of the bringing of the little one to his chemo therapy, etc. It is far from where she lives and has missed lots of work. So she has decided to move back to the city to be closer to the hospital when she can get another job. So far no luck !!However, she also has found a boyfriend who she used to know years ago who had never married. He loves the boys and has been very helpful to her. For that I am very thankful. The first job she had had insurance but then they had to let her go as one of the doctors left the office. Then she got another job with no insurance, no choice.

    All I can say he has gone through this for 16 years and tried to make it work and went to counciling a long time ago. He is not sympathetic either and everything was her fault, of course. We worry so much for the children and her. There has been so much wasted time but she did try and save the marriage without much help from him. Everything had to always go his way !!

    She still has lots of problems but she says she is very happy(all things considered) she stays away from him ( as much as she can be, with the kids back and forth) and having to try to make him do things he never wants to do. She is feeling better and is taking thyroid meds and vitaminds which have been somewhat helpful to her.

    All you can do is try therapy and something like AA and then it is up to you to decide. Then you did all you could. Like you said if you go to therapy and he doesn't think he needs it and everything is all your fault, as in my daughters case, I do not know what else you can do.

    I feel so badly for you ! God bless you and feel free to vent if you need to. Your case sounded so close to my daughters only she has three children !!!!Keep me informed !!

    Lots of hugs and blessings,

    Marilyn (that granni)
  5. Gothbubbles

    Gothbubbles New Member

    With the "D" word...

    Married women with kids can seek legal aid may even end up with alimony/child support that your husbands aren't deighning to give you willingly right now.

    If these men won't grow up and get their act togehter for the good of their families this might end up as your best option for raising your children. As sick women, you cannot predict how bad things can get. What if you get sicker? Your husbands are they reliable enough to take care of your kids if that happens?

    I worry about you ladies. I hope the counseling works out, I really do, but if not you will be faced with nothing but hard decisions. Good luck to you all.
  6. Cinlou

    Cinlou New Member

    Ayhatch,

    First of all I want to say how very sorry I am about your illness and marital problems. I do know how you are feeling living with someone that drinks. It is so awful to live with the constant worry of the drinking. (DUI's, accidents, my husband would drink and drive.)

    Then the times he would want to get intimate, the smell of alcohol....not very conducive to a happy relationship.

    I have fought an endless battle for 18 years...trying to get him help with his drinking.....one thing I have learned is no one will ever change until they want to.

    I do know from my experience that it takes two to make a marriage work. It sounds like you both are trying to work these issues out.

    I know you are so scared, you should be....that is normal...but it is very scarey to stay with a toxic person...your illness may get worse...I think in my case, I had to file for divorce...my illness with the stress was making me worse....I made a choice for me..my health was much more important...being as my husband would not deal with his issues....

    Please take care of you..you must come first..
    ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
    Cindy







  7. Summit

    Summit New Member

    Actually, I am in your shoes (somewhat) I have a emotionally, verbally abusive husband, who has a Temper. He has No compassion for my medical problems, and doesnt' want to know about it. If I say anything (like I'm hurting) then he says I'm just whining, or lazy. My kids are grown and gone. They all would like to see me leave. I am actually planning too, in the springtime. I have to get things together (pay off some bills etc) before I go. One of the major reasons I'm leaving is because my health cannot take the stress, or the hard work of farming. Plus being out in the cold weather, and laborous work. I am scared like you. I think, what will happen, if I get too bad to work??? I can so relate to how you feel. I have been married for 12 years. I have made bad choices, and have been married 3 times (twice divorced so far) and feel like a real failure in that dept. I always find the jerks! No one can tell you what to do with your marriage, whether to stay, or leave. I was married to an alcoholic once too. They are hard to live with!!! My present husband has been sober for 22 years (I never knew him when he was drinking) however, he still has "dry drunks" which is where they "act" like they did when they were drinking, even though they havn't drank. When someone has been an alcoholic from an early age, they tend to not develope mentally as they should (maturity wise etc.) anyways, I know what that drinking thing is all about too. I feel for ya. Will be praying for your peace and health. God Bless p.s. feel free to email me if you like [email address removed as per rules]
  8. julieisfree05

    julieisfree05 New Member

    My marriage was a casualty of FM/CFS...

    I finally realized the wisdom in that old "Dear Abby" question:

    Are you better off with him, or without him?

    WITHOUT!!!!!

    Even if my health had not improved, I would still be happier and healthier without having that jerk in my life.

    Do what is best for YOU!!!!

    - julie (is free!)
  9. IowaMorningGlory

    IowaMorningGlory New Member

    About five years ago my husband was drinking heavily. To the point for my children's sake and mine I asked him to leave. I loved him terribly but did not like him much. Twice he attempted suicide. Twice I did not call him in the hospital or otherwise, I actually told him not to call me until he stopped drinking and feeling sorry for himself.

    Cold hearted? No, I grew up in an alcoholic home and decided my children were not. I had to be strong. As long as I enabled him to drink by saying it was okay to remain in a bad marriage and me taking care of him and worrying about him and the finacial difficulties his drinking caused besides he was never going to change.

    On the day after christmas he signed himself into counseling. Step one...HE SIGNED HIMSELF IN. He went for two months faithfully. This was five years ago and he has not drank since. We are back together.

    We were happy for a few years again. Until I went from making 29,000 on salary to zippo. The FM finally got to the point where I had to resign from my job. Now he never asks how I am, just why wasn't this done! My three teenage boys are more support....and somedays more stress...but at least they say I love you on a daily basis. I never hear it from him anymore.

    Do you catch yourself wishing you had someone to talk to? I do. I catch myself venting to my oldest son, that's not fair to him, I know that. At age sixteen he has his own problems..but he loves mom and listens.

    I wish you all the luck in the world. What it all comes down to is which is less stressful and more beneficial to you and your children?
    1)Having your husband continue to ruin you and your children's family dynamics.
    or
    2)Living a life less stressful and relearning to enjoy your family dynamics again.

    Because of your illnesses you are probably trying to relearn your life again anyway. Why not relearn it with less stress in your life.

    You are a special person.
    Take care of yourself and if you ever need someone to talk to PLEASE let me know. :)
    Blessed Be,
    Laurie
  10. Susi-di

    Susi-di New Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this, how sad. I really understand, I also was married to someone who after our first child was born began drinking and it just got worse over the years. He also verbally and mentally abused me, but sometimes he loved me, but sometimes is NOT enough. You shouldn't have to put up with being treated that way.

    We divorced after over 18 years of marriage and two children, and honestly it was the best thing I have done for myself. I wasn't the independant career type woman either, but I made it and I eventually ended up meeting a wonderful man who I had gone to high school with, and fortunately he has been a wonderful Husband who is kind, caring, understanding and supportive. You need someone like that too.... my Mother kept telling me I didn't know anything different than who I was used to (my ex) and that someone else would treat me so much better even if I could not realize that at the time, and that yes someone else would love me and find me attractive. My Mom told me many times that I would need to close one door before God would open another. She was right.

    From my heart I wish for God to give you his blessings in your life. I hope you will be given all the help, strength & courage you'll need and that everything will someday be happier and healthier for you. Go to counseling on your own if you can, to help make you stronger & to deal with everything going on. Take good care of yourself. Susi-di
  11. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    How do you survive this? With support groups, therapy and establishing boundaries and keeping them. You will survive one day at a time.

    If you want to live, instead of just surviving, you have to be strong and step away from your current situation. Your circumstances will not change without work on your part.

    You say you have to deal with this mess. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Spirituality and prayer have helped me so much. I won't go into detail of all the horrors I've had in my life. I hope you find peace and hope.

    sees








  12. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    Thanks everyone for sharing your war stories and advice. This is a very hard decision to make. I have tried Alanon and though I agree on the philospohy of taking care of yourself first, I'm still stuck in a rut of indecision. I'm afraid to leap. Believe me I have distanced myself...that is a huge part of the problem for his part. He claims he has been abandoned emotionally, intimately. Well, what the hell else do you expect when you stink from drinking or you don't support me emotionallly? A person is going to close up for self-protection!
    He is too blind to see that the very thing he is complaining about missing in our marraige...he brought on himself. He brought on the distance because he did not fully step into the world of being a parent, he stepped into the world of alcohol.
    Oh me, oh my!
    Now he tells me he wants to forget he ever said he wanted a divorce. I told him I'm not sure I can and then I had to leave to pick my daughter up from school. We haven't spoken about it since. (I was also up half the night with my son in the ER, he gets a combo of croup and wheezing that is so bad we keep a nebulizer at home. Well, the neb treatments at home weren't working and he was straining to breath..so off to emergency. It took a while to get it under control. I should be asleep now, but I'm getting my daughter off to school (a friend is giving her a ride). I'll go collapse again after she's on her way.
    Lots to think about. I do have a counselor, plus the marraige counselor, plus my daughter's counselor.
    Still all the counseling in the world cannot bring me to make that hard decision. I say I have faith, but I wonder...
    Thanks everyone.