Being a teenager's not easy.

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by nerdieduckie, Jun 11, 2008.

  1. nerdieduckie

    nerdieduckie New Member

    Well, as some of you know, I was on my way to graduation from high school.

    I did it! (As proven by my profile picture)

    I graduated with all my credits and as a member of the national honors society.

    It took doing 6 months of Chemistry in 3 weeks, but I made it.

    I didn't get to enjoy it though. Of course, I think all of you can understand that 6 months of Chemistry in 3 weeks is SUPER intense for any of us. I think even normals would understand that. So of course I was exhausted and felt horrible. I just wanted to rest.

    But alas. The graduation party that was supposed to be NO stress on me, I ended up doing most of the work for. My mum, my dad, my boyfriend, and me were all at my church until nearly 2 AM setting up, and I had to be awake at 8 AM the next morning. This was a day after I had been up until 3 AM completing my chemistry final and my mum made me get up at 10 AM because there was work to be done. I did so much of the work it's not even funny. Then the party itself I was up running around the whole time trying my best not to snap at my mum because she was being a total spazz bucket. And she wondered why as soon as we got home from the party I left for a friend's house. And didn't come home until 4 PM the next day.

    Needless to say, I'm supposed to be on mandatory rest from my fibro doctor, but she won't let me. My sleep schedule's all messed up, so I've been going to bed at 3-4AM, she tries to wake me up at 10AM telling me there's stuff that needs to be done. I think maybe she thinks if I can go out with my friends that late then I don't need to rest, but I don't think she takes time to think what I do when I'm with my friends.

    I just sit and talk most of the time. O_O Especially when I'm feeling this lousy.

    It's really hard to not snap at my mum about this. It seemed like she was doing so well about understanding that sometimes I can't do everything and that I need to rest, but here lately it seems like she's forgotten all about that. I know she is frustrated and needs help around the house, but I don't think she stops to recall just what all I've done since the beginning of May.

    My boyfriend keeps telling me I need to stand up for myself and set her straight, but he doesn't exactly have the best relationship with his mum. The less drama I have to deal with around here, the better. I keep telling him once I move out for college it'll be okay, but if she's going to be like this all summer, I don't know.

    Do any of you parents have suggestions or even just comments on this? Or even just some of you younger ones that aren't parents but maybe have gone through similar situations?

    I want to go to college leaving my mum on a positive note. I don't like it when we fight, but we're just such different people that it's hard for us not to. She always brings up that she wishes our relationship would be like the one she and her mum share, but we're not the same people. It is very hard for me to relate to spazztastic people like her, to put it bluntly. I love my mommy, I really do, don't get me wrong. It's just very hard for me to relate to her and because she gets upset so easily, I never know how to bring things up to her.

    So if anyone has any suggestions, that'd be muchly appreciated. Thank you so much, everybody. Sorry this is so long. I wanted to say more about college but I figure I should leave that for another post. =]
  2. petcat

    petcat New Member

    What an accomplishment!

    I have a daughter that started having some problems at around the age of 15. Panic attacks and what I think was depression. I went through a period in my life when I had the same problems. If I had not gone thru that myself, I don't think I would have been able to deal with her very well. Most people would say make her snap out of it but having gone thru that myself I was able to understand what she was going thru.

    Your Mom has probably not ever felt the way you do and doesn't really understand how hard it is for you. I wish I had some advise for you. I am sure she really loves you and wants the best for you but just doesn't have a clue as to what you are going thru. As much as I hate to say this, and I would never normally go against a parents wishes, it is probably good that you have friends you can stay with. Hopefully the summer won't be to hard for you and things will be better when you start college.
    I justed wanted you to know that you are not alone and that you have others who understand what you are going thru.

  3. msbsgblue

    msbsgblue Member

    Perhaps if you brought her here to this board and let her read the things that the rest of us go to that might help.

    There are also a couple letters to normals on here that might explain this illness better to her.

    Congrats on your accomplishments and I hope you have a great summer.
  4. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    Maybe after I think on it some. I am sorry for you though. Of course it is not my business and I would not be so presumptious to say anything against you Mom, but I was sad reading this but of course I don't know all the circumstances. Like, before you got sick did you do a lot of work around the house? Where you in charge of the house?

    I have a 14 year old daughter and anytime anyone is sick in my house, I wait on them pretty much hand and foot and encourage rest. Heck, my daughter is not even sick and she sleeps until at least 11 am now that school is out. I just think that is one of the perks of being a kid!

    I do know how FM is, but even if I did not know personally, I would feel bad for her to be sick.
  5. nerdieduckie

    nerdieduckie New Member

    I've basically been taking care of my mum in some form or another since I was six. That was when she suffered from a severe bout of depression and ended up in the hospital. My dad can't cook to save his life, so I had to teach him how to make bachelor grilled cheese and so on.

    I was six then.

    I haven't really done much in the way of housework except try to keep my stuff straightened and clean up any messes I make elsewhere in the house. I think that's how cleaning should be, one should take care of the messes he or she makes. Instead, it's that I'm supposed to clean up after everyone.

    She does more than her share around here, don't get me wrong. She cooks (which is a difficult job since I'm gluten-sensitive) and other things, but she also quite often just lies around crying and being depressed about her self-image, while eating more than she should and then wondering why she gains weight. She sees my counselor but she doesn't understand why. She doesn't believe she has a problem.

    My mum rarely lets me sleep in past 10:30. She thinks I should be up and awake by then. I agree, I don't enjoy sleeping until 1-2PM, but sometimes I have to. Then she gets irked when I fall back asleep after she wakes me up.

    We got in a really big fight over my illness last year, resulting in me yelling at her. I never yell at anyone, in fact, I HATE conflicts. After that, she seemed to understand. It seems like that has worn off.

    I don't think she realizes how badly her bad moods affect me. I always feel like I've done something wrong (I don't know why, I've always been this way) and I feel like I'm not making her happy. Thus, I can never be in a good mood. She gets irritated when I go out with my friends all hours. Thus, again, I feel like I've done something wrong and I should just stay in the house all the time to make her happy, but I CAN'T do that. I'd go insane.

    I know she is under a lot of stress because of my gramma's health and our financial situation, but I don't think she realizes just how much stress I'm under either. My parents owe me a significant amount of money and I'm sitting here afraid I won't have enough to pay for college. She could help the financial situation if she went to work, but she lets her phobias and negative self-image control her.

    I just don't know what I can do to help her and also to help her understand where I'm coming from. It's so hard to bring anything up to her because she's a very sensitive individual.

    (Again, I do love my parents. I wouldn't ask for any others, especially after hearing some horror stories from my friends about their parents. I just am running out of ways to deal with my mum's quirks positively.)
  6. desertlass

    desertlass New Member

    I think YOU could be giving the rest of advice! Many, many congrats on your graduation!

    I will simply say what jumps out at me from your post. I have CFS and FM, and I spend a lot of time in bed. I have two girls, 14 and 11.

    It sounds like your mom's depression is not really being treated adequately? To still be having frequent crying jags after so long just doesn't sound right.

    I'm no bundle of sunshine, but I try to hide my disappointment with how things have turned out. If I do happen to spill over, and cry in front of them, I always say "Don't worry, it will pass in a minute!"

    However, I certainly don't rely on them to keep me company or happy!! That is not their job and not why they are on this earth!

    Your job is to grow up and be as great in the world as you can. I love the fact that you're choosing art history! We need more people like you!

    Your mom is lucky to have you, but she doesn't own you... and it's not disrespectful or unfeeling to have your own life, especially considering all that you have had to shoulder while being a kid AND sick-- I honestly think you must have nerves of steel.

    There's a website called chronic babe. You might like it. It's very upbeat-- maybe a little too much so, but it does help foster a more independent and creative attitude than we normally allow ourselves.

    Go forth, young woman!

  7. nerdieduckie

    nerdieduckie New Member

    Sorry, couldn't think of a better title, lol.

    Meh, I've been told several times that I should become a counselor or a therapist, but I don't think that's the right direction for me. I tend to take on other people's problems as my own (probably why I have a hard time dealing with my mum being unhappy about things.)

    I KNOW her depression isn't being treated adequately, but I don't know how to tell her this. She took zoloft for two years after the hospital visit, then just decided to go off of it. She was okay for a long time except for that she started having panic attacks while driving and thus could no longer drive, but nothing major. Now within the past year or so it's extremely obvious she's depressed again. Our counselor made an appointment for her with my psychiatrist to see if meds were needed. My psychiatrist recommended zoloft again but did not push it. My mum decided that she didn't need the zoloft as she was feeling better drinking 4 cups of tea a day, so she didn't fill the prescription.

    I think that probably a lot of her problems stem from the fact that her only baby is moving out to go to college (albeit only 20 minutes away, she just hates traveling in cars), she's not even yet 50 and she's stuck sitting at home watching TV while my dad falls asleep by 8PM, and she has dental problems and has suffered from hair loss. Thus, she thinks she's not beautiful and worthless to everyone. Dad and I have told her millions of times that this is not true, but it just doesn't quite sink in (altho I can identify with that. my friends keep trying to tell me i'm gorgeous but i have no idea where they get that idea.)

    Haha, I'm glad somebody needs me! My goal is to major in art history then do my grad studies in museum curatorship. I want to someday be able to run my own museum with a major focus on literacy and the fact that it's okay to learn. it doesn't make one geeky or nerdy. knowledge is power. everybody needs it. If for some reason I don't like that, then I want to go into pediatric nursing so I can work with kids, that way they have someone who has been through what they're going through, and they can be reassured that it's okay. I love kids. I want to work with kids either way.

    I'm scared to move out, but at the same time I hope it'll help create my independence from my mum, something I've been wanting for years. She needs to realize that she doesn't NEED me to be able to live and have her own life. She thinks I'm going to come home every single weekend, but truth be told, I probably won't. I'll finally be able to have my own life once I move out. I think the environment change may help my CFS/FM, at least I hope...

    Me? Nerves of steel? HAHAHAHA.
    No, not really. I've been told I have an extraordinary amount of patience. This has been proven many times over the years as in elementary school they used to pair me with the special education kids in my grade as I was able to tolerate them and work with them better than anyone else. Also, like I've mentioned before, my boyfriend has severe ADHD. Even his friends want to kill him most of the time. They can't understand how I've been with him nearly 1.5 years. But eh, he makes me happy. =]

    But nerves of steel? Heavens no. I've suffered from too many panic attacks and had too many mental breakdowns to have that.
  8. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    First congratulations on your accomplishments. I don't think right now I could pass chemistry, even if I studied for three years.

    It sounds like a lot of things are going on that are causing stress for your whole family.

    Would you feel comfortable looking into family counseling? Not only would it help you but perhaps your mother as well.

    If you are on mandatory rest, maybe your doctor needs to let your parents know this.

    Please be proud of yourself. You have completed a significant life event.

    BTW, if you do not already know, the age group most likely to be sleep deprived are teenagers. With this DD we need even more rest.

    Hoping for the best for you.

  9. nerdieduckie

    nerdieduckie New Member

    Thanks for your congrats. ^_^ Trust me, it was anything but easy, lol.

    Ohhh, there are MANY things going on that are causing my family stress. Of course, there always have been...just seems now more than ever.

    We have done family counseling before, but my counselor felt it was more important to do some individual work first after meeting with us together a few times.

    I am afraid if it keeps up I may have to have him write a physical prescription. Of course, by that point it'll be close to the time that I'm going out of town, and if he does that, then she might not let me go. Heck, at least going out of town I'll get some rest!

    Yeah I have read many places before that teenagers actually DO need the extraordinary amount of sleep that we try to get. I know I do. I need around 9-10 hours to feel halfway decent.

    *bumps in case others may have suggestions*
    i know it's a hard topic to give advice on.
  10. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Jen, you really have come so far in the last 2 years and you have so much to be proud of. And yes hun, you are beautiful, it shows in your smile! appears as if you've been a caretaker since you were a very young child which happens, but isn't normal at all.

    You are not responsible for your Mother's're an adult now, as she is. No one can be responsible for someone else's happiness, they have to do the work themselves, and have to fill their own prescriptions when necessary.

    I honestly think that a part of what you're going through is a normal separation that needs to occur when you move out of the house and grow up.

    The distance and drama can be quite normal, especially if you've been responsible for so much in your young life.

    You're pulling away and it's OK!!! You're supposed to at this point in your life.

    You're actually in the middle of an important life lesson....

    You've done what you needed to do in a very difficult situation to get to your dreams and goals and it wasn't easy. But that's how life is....not always easy and not always fair.

    Soon, you'll begin to realize that we each have to do this, your Mother included. You can't do it for her, nor can she do it for you.

    Yes, there will be'll all work out in the end.

    You have so much to be proud of and I'm proud of you too.


  11. nerdieduckie

    nerdieduckie New Member

    Meh, I guess maybe I just feel so bad about it because I HAVE basically taken care of her so many times over the years?

    In my experience, life's NEVER easy, and it's almost never fair, haha. But, it's okay. That just means I had to work harder than everyone else. I don't mind a bit of hard work. I feel better about myself in the end. People said I wouldn't graduate on time, they said I'd get frustrated and drop out, they said I wouldn't make any sort of honors awards at all.

    They were wrong.

    I had to bust my behind to prove them wrong, but I did! Now I'm paying for it by being super exhausted, but it's worth it.

    I just think my mum's frustrated because she never found her niche in life, and I sorta have, at least for the time being. I hate to say it but I almost think she is jealous. I have friends, I go places, and I (at least for know) know what I want to do in life. She doesn't have any of that except for her best friend, and bless her heart, she and I get along VERY well! She had an accident's probably been 18 years by now? Not sure, but ended up severely injuring her back. She has fibro and has been fighting all sorts of other health problems, and now her husband has been having a really bad time too, so bless her heart, it's understandable why she can't come out often.
  12. frosty77

    frosty77 New Member

    Hate to say it, but I think you are correct and your mom's jealous of you. Plus your growing up forces her to see her life a bit more clearly and this probably makes her very unhappy.

    Be that as it may, it's up to her to change her life and nothing you can do or say can have any effect on that.

    When I was your age (LOL, just saying that makes me feel old - which I am) my mother was depressed and an alcoholic and my father terminally ill. I was the family caretaker and peacemaker. Best thing I did was to move out and go to college.

    Did it fix my family? Hell no, my mother never once came to any college functions, made a brief appearance at graduation, and never once in my life did she say she was proud of me or anything I did. But you can't fix others problems, only your own - and you've done an incredible job so far with your life!

    Keep up the good work and best of luck in college! If your mom refuses to listen to you, then try your best to deal with it (maybe sleeping at friends places when possible) - it's only a short time til college.

    And, I don't know how you can say you are not attractive - maybe just a typical teenage thing? But listen to your friends, they speak the truth - unless that's one strange camera trick on your posted pic, you are gorgeous!
  13. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    Congratulations to you on your extraordinary accomplishments! Be very, very proud of yourself. I have twin 19 year old daughters in college, so I know how hard it is.

    Gapsych above basically said everything that I would also say, so I won't be redundant. What I would like to add though, is SLEEP is your friend and do not let anyone or anything discourage you from getting lots of sleep. With all the trials, tribulations and uncertainty I've experienced with this DD, the one thing I know better than anything else is that proper, adequate sleep and a consistent sleep pattern is essential to feeling well. As busy as you are, block everyone and everything else out, and make restoring your sleep pattern JOB ONE. You will be so glad you did, I promise you!

    You are a wonderful young lady and an inspiration to so many. Keep spinning your brand of magic and the world will be your oyster!!! You're parents are very fortunate to have a daughter as poised, responsible and as articulate as you. Congrats again!!

  14. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    Can I adopt you??? LOL Just kidding, I already have a 20 year old that I am deperate to get into college. Not because I want her out of the house because she does not live here, but because she needs that degree!

    Anyway. It still bothers me to hear you say that you are not allowed to rest if you need to. That, to me, is like refusing you Tylenol when you have a fever, or antibiotics when you have an infection! You are sick and rest is medicine to you. I am sorry, I don't like that.

    I think your moving out and getting off to college will be the best thing for you at this point. You know stress is very bad for you and hopefully there won't be a lot of drama over college and coming home on weekends when you go.

    You have to live your life and part of growing up is moving out. I know I will hate for my daughter to go off to college, but I know part of my job as a parent is to see her into independance.

    Good luck. I know with what you have accomplished already that you will go far.
  15. nerdieduckie

    nerdieduckie New Member

    Ohhh, I am so the household peacemaker. I don't know how many times I've been stuck in the middle of my parents before. I think that's part of why I've always wished that I had a sibling or two. My parents love each other but so often I get my mum talking to me about my dad or my dad talking to me about my mum and I'm just like >_<

    This household severely lacks in communication skills.

    I try to do what I can with my life. It didn't go the way I wanted, I was hoping to graduate with an honors diploma and be going far away to some Ivy League college or so, but I didn't let it discourage me. At first I was like, what am I going to do now??? Because I had planned to be a translator for the UN, but I just can't handle fast paced foreign languages anymore.

    It hurt deeply to have to quit taking German because my teacher refused to cater to homebound students, but I dealt with it. I was still able to handle French for a while. If it weren't for needing Chemistry to graduate, I probably would've taken it on homebound again this year. My French teacher loved coming to tutor to someone who paid attention and actually cared about learning. My Chem tutor said the same thing. I felt bad coz a lot of times I'd get distracted and just start talking, but she said she didn't mind because I still got my work done. So, I mean, I still made it and graduated and so on, I just had to learn to take a different route. I think after all my hard work I should deserve at least SOME rest maybe.

    Mum doesn't go to very many of my functions. Large crowds and loud noises bother her. She won't ever go to the movies with me, she somehow managed to sit through entire graduation but usually most of my orchestra performances she would have to leave halfway through, she doesn't go to any of my stuff over at college because it involves crossing a bridge....I hate to say it but I mean, I have lots of phobias too, I just don't let them control me. Heck, I hate scary movies and I'm terrified of ghosts, yet I work in a haunted house!!! I love it! (Which, btw, it IS haunted.)

    I don't know. It just kinda irks me because she'll say things like "i'm sorry I ruined your childhood" or "i'm sorry you'll never have stories to tell your kids about us" or things like that, but she doesn't try to change anything about it

    Just like right now, I got a phone call saying a friend is coming to pick me up in 20 minutes. I'm okay with that. Wasn't expecting it, but mum's all spazzing because it's such short notice. I don't get it. It's summer. I thought that was what teens did...Especially since it's my summer before college and I told her I was just going to have lots of fun this summer.

    Sorry this post is seeming kind of jumbled, I got interrupted halfway through by another friend coming by to visit.

    My sleep pattern is SO out of whack right now. I'm not falling asleep until 3:30-4ish and that's when I know I've got a problem. When I was in remission, I would fall asleep 12AM on the dot and wake up around 8-8:30. I loved it. Now I'm back to this crap again. I need to just chill and have fun and relax, but I don't think those are options in my life...

    Haha, I try to be articulate but I'm starting to lack in that department horribly. I've gone from miraculous speller and walking dictionary to someone who has to use spellcheck almost constantly anymore. I haven't really written anything serious since 10th grade, so I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to write on a college level. Fortunately, my college has a writing center that you can visit to get free tutoring. They have a math center that functions the same way.

    Haha, it HAS to be a camera trick. I don't know, I just don't get it. I've always had a negative self-image, something I probably picked up from my mum. Can't remember her ever being happy with her appearance.
  16. mariellenl

    mariellenl New Member

    As the parent of 7 children, most of whom are adults now and a FM sufferer I would like to tell you a few things if I may?

    1) Congratulations on graduating high school and going on to college.

    2) Your mother's problems are your mother's problems and she has no right to make you feel like it is your responsiblity to fix them or to take care of her. If she can not care for herself then she should get her doctor to order a home health aid to care for her.

    3) You are 100% correct, each family member should be responsible for caring for themselves. If everyone did their own cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc then there would be less stress on everyone.

    4) Stress makes FM worse, so if your the more your mom demands of you the worse your FM is likely to be.

    5) Be kind to yourself! Maintain a schedule of eating, sleeping, and gentle exercise to maximize your health and minimize your stress.

    I wish you the best and I'm sure you will do wonderfully in college!
  17. bobbycat

    bobbycat New Member

    I have a daughter and when she was your age we sometimes had issues and now she is 34 and we sometimes still have communication problems. The main thing we both have to remember is to give each other space and to know that we are different people. We most definetly have different personalities. She takes after her dad more which at times can get on my nerves as they both can be vary judgemental and I am not so much that way. When things get to difficult between us I just move on to a different topic it's the old saying "agree to disagree." You are your own person and you will be moving on with your life and start experiencing things in life that will take you on a journey down different road in which you will be experiencing so many different things in life. A new beginning in sorts. She can not walk that road with you as it is a journey you will have to take but, she can be there with you in spirit as you can be there with her in the same. You will always be her daughter and she your mother as long as you both shall live and in being so you will always have that love no matter how angry, hurt or how many times you disagree with each other it will still come back to the family thing and ultimately forgiveness. As you proceed with your journey through life your relationship will take different twist and turns and hopefully your relationship will become stronger as you become wiser and that it will grow and probably will change but, possibly in a different way and hopefully in a positive way. She will learn to be less dependent on you and you on her yet you both will still always can be there for each other. It is sometimes hard to move on and it is difficult to let go of what is comfortable but, sometimes it is necessary to grow both in mind and spirit. It is important for you to let your mother know that you will always love her but, you need look towards the future and to explain to her with your disabilities that you need to make wise choices as with her own health issues that she may not be able to take care of you in the future. Possibly if you sit and talk with her and explain to her that it is important for you at this time of your life to weigh all of your options carefully as you are limited due to health concerns. Role play with her in order to explain to her that look I have this much enery, my body does this, etc. therefore, these are my options what do you think? Possibly inlcude her in the decision process so she feels she is a important factor but, at the same time make it clear that ultimately that you will have the last say as it is something you will have to live with. It is hard to let go and especially if she has become dependent on you and possibly you on her. Sometimes it is easy to enable someone when you are trying to help them. By letting go some you can sometimes make that person become somewhat more independent and stronger in the long run and in turn they may seek more outlets. My favorite poem was written by Robert Frost and the line in it " I took the road less travelled" I felt at times in my life I took the road less travelled but, by doing so I have experienced so many exciting things and somethings that were not so exciting however, I do not have regrets as I believe we were put on this earth to learn certain lessons in life and when we have learned the lessons that were are suppose to learn in this lifetime we pass on. I use that in my believe sytem when I think about my fight with FMS and other health issues. For some reason this is a lesson in life I was meant to learn and there is definetly lessons I have learned from having a chronic incurable sydrome. A few lessons have been understanding, compassion, to realize what is important in life and that the material things in life are just not that important, health is more important then wealth, and money is a means to survival, who your freinds are, and wealth is having people that suport you and love you and that there are complete strangers out there that really care. Thats just a few off the top of my head. You are young and you and your mother appear to have a strong relationship which will survive any obstacles that may come. Just try to remember don't let the little things become big things walk away first and take a time out and come back and talk when you are not angry as you never want to say something that is so hateful that you can never take it back. I wish you all of the luck on your new journey.