Being "told" I'm a Burden

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jasminetee, May 15, 2009.

  1. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    I feel like some of the people in my life, like a parent, in-laws, etc... feel that I'm a huge burden to my husband. They comment all the time about how sorry they feel for him. How hard this must be for him. I agree but I feel like they think I should realize what a horrible burden I am and how badly I'm ruining my husband's life and that I should take my own. I think they feel that that's what they would do if they were in my shoes and that I certainly have no right to be happy if I chose to stay here and remain a burden on him.

    I'm very angry and hurt about this. I have been for many years now but before I always had hope I'd get better. That hasn't happened and I've only gotten worse. My husband tells them all the time that he's happy. How he is I don't know, but he says he loves me, loves taking care of me and he lets them know this too. But the comments keep coming from them with that subtle underlying message, that I have no right to be a burden to him.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/15/2009]
  2. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    tee....relatives can be so cruel. some people just do not know what it's like to really suffer and have not developed enough empathy. i am so glad your husband is so wonderful.

    i have always gotten so inspired by the strength and wisdom you convey in your posts. if your relatives choose to alienate you, they will be missing out on a great person.

  3. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    Lots of Hugz. You know what, only what your husband thinks matters. And it sounds like he really loves you alot.

    You know what I went through with my relatives. Ultimately, the only thing you can do is distance yourself from them. Have little contact. They don't matter. And if they can't be supportive, then they need to get out of your way so you can live what life you have.

    I know you're scared of what will come in the future. I am too, but I believe we do have hope. It might not happen this year or next year, but I really do believe we are a few years away from an immune modulator that will help us.
  4. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    I really appreciate your support. I know you've both been through so much too. I really am grateful for all the support I get here and get to give. :)

  5. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    Tee - Your husband married you "in sickness and in health" and the fact that he is still very much in your life says everything. If parents or in-laws are feeling sorry for him and feel that you are a burden to him, possibly it is time for you and your husband to distance yourselves from these people if they cannot accept your illness. Obviously wedding vows mean nothing to these people.

    If your husband tells you that he loves you, believe him. You are very lucky to have a good man in your life :)

    You might want to talk to your parents, and your husband to his parents. If they can't accept that you have a chronic illness, and continue to make hurtful comments, tell them that they can no longer be a part of your lives. Sometimes you have to make drastic choices to protect yourself.
  6. hatbox121

    hatbox121 New Member

    If you ask me, they are the "burden". Judging people from the outside with no knowledge of what is truly going on. I agree with Tiger. While it may be painful at first, sometimes it's best just to move on if they can't accept you for all of you.
  7. faithinlove

    faithinlove New Member

    I agree with hatbox, it is your family that needs some direction and lessons in life. That is the way it sounds to me.
    You have the beautiful gift of a husband that loves you and wants to take care of you.
    Do not let your family destroy you with their cruel words and selfishness. It sounds like to me they need to take a look at your husband and learn what unconditional love is all about.
    Be bless Tee,
  8. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    that your online friends think that your family is a burden on you and that we feel sorry for you having to deal with them - your husband has a choice in the matter and he picked you and he sounds awesome - if he wants to be with you, then there is nothing to feel sorry for - with relatives, though, there is not so much of a choice, so there is actually more to feel sorry for (you getting stuck with them)
  9. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    I really appreciate your support everyone. It means a lot to me. I have pulled way back from my in-laws. It's interesting to see that you all share similar views on this subject. You all are the best and I consider us a family too. :)

    I was just watching a YouTube video where a woman was talking about forgiveness and she said it's important to realize that most people are doing the best they can. Now that I look at them in this light I see that most likely they are and it helps me feel a bit more understanding.

    Hugs and Love to You All,

    [This Message was Edited on 05/16/2009]
  10. shari1677

    shari1677 New Member

    Easier said than done, but, I would try and forget what they say. It is obvious your husband loves you very much. You are very lucky you have someone to take care of you. I am a single mom and my family doesn't believe I am sick. A few of my friends say they believe me, but actions speak louder than words.
  11. hi there teejkay,

    im sorry that you are having to hear those cruel words from family members.

    many years ago i was also told that i was a burden and a drain on family nerves,just because i had migraines and had to take to me bed on occasions.

    now those who were cruel to me,have developed the migraines too.and look to me for a fool i give it to them.

    im not saying thats good news,coz it isnt.i feel sad for their suffering,but they at least got to enjoy the first half of their lives,and i didnt.but im stronger for my suffering.

    im now refered to as a elderly vulnerable person,by the citizens advice people.and if im being treated cruely at home,i have been told there is help out there,that i can contact, to be moved to a safe area.

    for now,the family rock..that is coping ok,but i most strongly refuse to believe that i am a burden to anyone.

    i had some marrage problems last year, and it turned out that my husbands chloestrol meds where making him hateful and arguementative.

    i know he depends on me way too much,and ive told arent the only one who has a illness.

    he was a big beer drinker in his youth,just didnt look after his body...why is that my problem? i didnt make him pour ale down his throat.

    so you see,i support him coz he,s my husband,but he now knows theres a line ive drawn that says....dont cross this line or i walk away for good,,then where will he be? without his rock thats were.

    you are not a burden,and i respect you for continuing to post on this site,along with your many friends who are also being treated badly by scared family members.


    thats good to get that off my chest.

    love and hugs to you teejkay,from fran.
  12. Pansygirl

    Pansygirl New Member

    Just wanted to give you a gentle hug.

    So glad you have a wonderful husband and he loves you alot .

    We don't need any more toxic people in our lives, I know I have my
    share of relatives that are toxic to me.

    We need to be good to ourselves
    and have people surround us that are caring and understanding and that
    truly love us.

    You are a very special and caring lady teejkay ~ gentle hugs for you,
    take care, Susan
  13. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    You are such a wonderful person and you have saved me from going crazy several times so firstly you are a valued and much loved person on this board :)

    Personally I don't know what I would have done without your advice over the years when I have been desperately down and/or sick of family issues etc.

    Second, my DH is like yours - he gives me unconditional love regardless of the attitude of others - don't doubt his love for you, I'm sure it's real. Why should he love you any less because you are ill?? Also I saw a pic of you both on the old board and you looked like such a great couple - you are also beautiful :)

    Now, as for parents and in-laws - a while ago you told me I should distance myself from my own as they were causing me so much distress.

    It took a while and some arguments with DH but I have cut down seeing them to only very occasionally and I don't talk to my MIL by phone anymore at all.

    As for my own parents - they are still in denial 21 years on and whilst they initially told me the same things you are hearing (eg I would lose my DH if I "carried on" like this) we have come to an unspoken agreement somehow where my parents don't threaten me anymore and even if they did, I think I am now strong enough (in part thanks to you!!) to not listen to them anyway.

    I now talk to my Mum twice a week on the phone and we chat about things (mainly her life) but I don't talk about my health much anymore. My Dad much the same.

    When I do see my parents, I let them know how things are at the time for me eg MCS flaring or have to lie down in my room most of the time and they let me get on with it.

    My in-laws - well, my FIL is OK, he just chats to me about his paintings and vacations. My MIL I can tell is now fed up with me and I'm in no doubt that she thinks DH deserves better but too bad - it's not up to her. For the moment I have told my DH to keep her away from me as she tires me out and is very insensitive and loud and annoying and always tries to tell us what to do. She blatantly ignores my health issues when once she was my main support other than DH!!

    My DH has agreed - reluctantly - to go and see them until I am ready to let them back into my life. I have told him that if he doesn't tell them how things really are for me and they do not treat me more appropriately then I don't want to see them anymore.

    I also made it clear to him that it doesn't have to be me or them - he can see them and he can have his life with me as well and I will be a lot happier and more relaxed that way.

    I'm rambling now but the bottom line is don't let family get in the way of your and DH's relationship.

    You obviously have a caring, loving and devoted husband who is happy to be with you however you are and it is none of their business how your life is together.

    You are such a lovely person - and BY NO MEANS WORTHLESS - you are very special, brave and caring and have helped so many of us here.

    Sending you warm and gentle hugs,

    Love Bunchy xxx
  14. Pippi1313

    Pippi1313 New Member

    I've been told many times, that I'm too "outspoken". What that really means is I firmly stand my ground.

    When someone acts like a total jack***, I come right out & tell them.
    If someone suggested that anyone would be "better off with out me", my reply would be "Fine! I'll go jump off a bridge & everybody should be tickled frikkin PINK!"

    I'd never do anything so stupid, of course, but it sure does make my point AND it makes people shut the heck up, when they hear how ridiculous they sound.

    I know, most people aren't as sassy as I am. But still, it's fun just to IMAGINE telling them off, huh?

    Seriously, tho... My heart breaks for you. I wanna come over there & tell them off for ya!

    Hugz 2 U!!!!!

    PS: Didja scroll down the post-list & read the "stress management" post? I almost didn't read that one, but I'm glad I did. It's a HOOT! ;D
    [This Message was Edited on 05/16/2009]
  15. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    the people who say those things, obvioulsly have no idea what true love is.

    Of course, his parents want him to have the best life possible, any parent would - what they don't realize is that the life he has now, regardless of your illness is full of love - the most precious gift of all.

    You have a husband like I do. He has told me he loves taking care of me. I still apologize to him for the things I can't do, or when I feel like I've ruined a day by not being able to do anything, but not only does he reassure me, he thinks I'm ridiculous for even saying or feeling those things.

    Who knows what my in-laws think. Hmmmm. never thought about it. =) I'm sure by the concern in my husband's voice about me lets them know how much he's in this for the long haul.

    Even though your husband tells them he's happy, maybe he could go a step further - maybe he could be the one to give the subtle underlying messages - how he loves being married to you or something.

    This must feel horrible for you and I'm sorry. We struggle with our own feelings of being burdensome enough as it is.
    You have your husband, his love, his commitment - hang onto that, cherish it and leave the rest behind.

    When you wrote they said you should take your own - did you mean "life"? you didn't finish the sentence or I didn't understand it. IF that's what they meant, that is absolutely appalling and I'd tell them so. Anyone who would suggest something like that has something wrong with them. Sorry that's how I feel.

    Go hug your wonderful husband.

  16. spacee

    spacee Member

    Bless your heart Teejay. What an ordeal. You have a beautiful soul and that is what matters.

    Just know we care, love you and understand.

    I have just the past year outlived my inlaws and parents. I have to say, it has been a relief.
    I agree that they didn't know any better but they sure were cruel.

    What a comfort everyone here is. It does help.

  17. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    What a wonderful surprise to wake up and see all of your posts here. You are all such awesome people. It really helps me to read what you all have to say. I feel so much better about all this now. Your positivity wiped away the negativity; and I mean that to each of you. :)

    Just to make it clearer, noone has come out and said I should off myself but that's how they make me feel. But now after reading all your posts I don't feel that way at all and I feel stronger and ready to take on the world, again. You gave me back my peace of mind. Thank you.

    Hugs and Kisses to you All,

  18. lynncats

    lynncats New Member

    guess what, you're not a burden.You are lucky. My husband is with me 100%. I think mine learns more and move everyday! Take care!

  19. mmztcass

    mmztcass New Member

    That's why I do my best to avoid negative situations with some people in my family. I can't win 'em all, but I try. Then I realize that these people are not exactly happy with themselves and they may be jealous of the extra attention I get from those who care to help me. My husband says he's happy and he tries to be patient with me because he knows I have so many fears in my life with my diseases. I try too and take one day at a time. When I can, I do what I can do for these people in small ways that doesn't wear me out.

    {{{hugs}}} :)