"being" vs. "doing"

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by elaine_p, Jun 3, 2003.

  1. elaine_p

    elaine_p New Member

    Does anyone have tips for becoming a "being" person rather than a "doing" person? (Reading recommendations are welcome.)

    I've had CFS for 6 years and still place too much emphasis on what I can or can't do. And therefore still don't have any self-esteem like I did before.

    (I'm a recovering alcoholic and think I generally accept my illness and generally like who I am. But because I'm still focused on what I can or can't do, my self-esteem takes a continual beating, since I can never "do" much.)
  2. Carolyn0508

    Carolyn0508 New Member

    Hi Elaine,

    I know exactly what you mean. There are many things I can no longer do that I sometimes lament as well as a few I could never do. I focus on what I can do and let the rest go. It is very important to just be. Who you are to yourself, who you are to others in your life. We can be kind, loving, attentive, a good listener, a supporter and the list goes on. Those things don't require physical capability. When I'm with family, either those I live with or visiting those far away, one of my favorite things is to just be with them - there's a spiritual connection - we don't have to be talking or anything - just be in each other's presence. I hope I got the gist of your message right and replied in kind.

    Blessings & Cheers
  3. elaine_p

    elaine_p New Member

    Thanks for your reply Carolyn.

    I know what you're saying, but I need help. I know I'm a nice, caring, smart, etc., person. But every time I think that I say "So what? There are lots of nice, caring, smart, etc., people out there. So what if I'm the only person who has these qualities plus my specific blend of God-given talents in one package?"

    Maybe typing my reply to your reply helped. :) (But some books or thoughts on ways to change your thinking would probably be good, if anyone has any.)
    [This Message was Edited on 06/03/2003]
  4. mystijul

    mystijul New Member

    This is a big lesson you learn with a debilitating illness. Here is what I believe: I am worthy because I AM, not because of anything I do.
  5. goingslowlycrazy

    goingslowlycrazy New Member

    Welcome to the board!

    I hope you don't mind me saying this...but I feel you're being very hard on yourself, in the way that you view yourself.

    You were brave enough to tell us that you are a recovering alcoholic and yet say that you can never 'do' much...heck girl...you are doing SO much every day! Dealing with this dd would be enough for most people, but you are also managing to get through it all without going back to drinking. I'd say that's absolutely fantastic!!!! Well done honey!!!

    A book that I would recommend is 'Self Matters' by Doctor Phil (Phil MacGraw who used to be on Oprah and who now has his own show). Obviously this would only be helpful if you like the guy (I know some people can't stand him - personally, I LOVE him...but each to their own).

    Hope that helps,
    big hugs
    Mary x
  6. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    I think it is a constant for some of us including me.

    Also, it those around you doubt your illness it is hard not to take on their opinions. I like the saying your opinion of me is none of my business !!!

    I often remind myself about those who are healthy and can do so much, yet spend their days creating strife for other people.

    You are doing so great to be dealing with these two ilnesses.
    I hope someone can suggest something to read that you like.

    I read a good book called The Seat of the Soul but need to read it again as at least for me, my brain could not digest it all.

    God Bless !
  7. Applyn59

    Applyn59 New Member

    WOW! Iempathize with you so much. I have the same
    problem. I am 41 and have had back problems since
    teens and been disabled since 27. I feel like such a failure! I know it isn't my fault. It's just so hard.
    I have an extremely successful brother, which doesn't
    make it easier. However, he and my mother are both
    wonderful to me. I just can't help it. I feel as though
    my illnesses - scoliosis, degenerative disk, failed back surgery, mCS, polycystic ovarian disease, GERD,
    arthritis, allergies, FMS, CFS define who I am. My friends are married with children. One of them shouldn't even be married or have children because she puts her career above all else. Me, I have always
    wanted children. I can't even lift a gallon of milk, let
    a lone a baby. Everyone is living. I am existing-
    barely. Sometimes I think of myself as a senior citizen.
    Before I got really bad, I wrote a chapter for a major
    publisher's computer book, did web reviews and even
    had a greeting card published just two years ago.
    However, the highlights are few and far between.
    My mother, who I live with, has cancer. I just
    feel that there is too much to cope with. Depression
    and anxiety and no sleep and pain are no fun.
    I feel like I am a nail being hammered into the ground.
    Last straw. I just want you to know I understand
    exactly what you are saying. I always focus
    conversations on others rather than myself -
    WHEN i am even talking to people.

    Hang in there,
  8. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    Hi Elaine, welcome to our world. I have FM for over 20 years, and you know what? I have great self-esteem. As for as what I 'can't' do anymore, is just not the way to think.

    There are many things we all can do. I love to talk about what I used to 'do', but I don't feel that I am any less of a person because I am unable to do those things anymore.

    I am still the very same person, same personality, I even look the same as far as I can tell (few changes with age, but still I recoginize me).

    I learned to do things in different ways, for an example, I loved to garden. I had a huge greenhouse, a courtyard garden, and a vegetable garden.

    Well, I can't do all that work anymore. So now I have my herbs in big pots (18 of them)on my patio, I can actually sit and weed them.
    I have a garden of plants in the front of my home, my son does the major work now, but I can still keep it watered, plant the small stuff and generally take care of it except for the heavy work.

    This is just an example of simply doing what you love, but in a different way. I have focused my life on what I love to do, and have found a way to still do them without hurting myself these days.

    If you just allow yourself to think of what you can't do, instead of finding things you can do, well that is self defeat. I refused to be defeated in anything in spite of this illness.

    I never used a computer before 3 years ago, all I knew was how to type. Well here I am, a volunteer moderator on this board.
    This may seem micky mouse to most people, but to me its great. I am useful, I help those I can, I am continually learning about these two illnesses, and I am meeting some of the most wonderful people in the world here, that includes you.

    I am a 'being' as well as a 'doing' person. I like ME, I like my own company for that matter.

    As for yourself, with just those few sentences you wrote, I already know that you are a determine, very strong person.

    Anyone who can come on this board and admit that they are a recovering alcholic is just a terrific lady to my knowledge of those who can't stop drinking. I have know a few people who have died because they could not control that habit.

    You have a lot going for you, just aim it in the right direction. Think how many people you could help that are in the same situation that you have over come.

    We have an 'addiction' board on this site, I don't know how many people are on there right now, but I bet you could give them some help. I can't, I don't understand why people drink, I can take liquor or leave it. But you know where they are coming from, I don't.

    We all have gifts, you just have to find a place to use them. I bet you are very gifted but you are limiting yourself. Be the person you really are deep down in your soul.

    Take care, stay with us, and again a big welcome to the board.

    Shalom, Shirl

  9. elaine_p

    elaine_p New Member

    Thanks to everyone who replied.

    I have the Dr. Phil book (which I haven't read yet) thanks to a codependent mom, and can get the other book at the library. I can't wait to get started on them, but have to since I'm working on other issues right now.

    Thanks again.