Bitter and with nearly fatal depression

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by FibroFoggiest, Aug 20, 2008.

  1. FibroFoggiest

    FibroFoggiest New Member

    All hope is gone. Nothing works. My life is over. I just can't go on. I don't know how I keep breathing, somehow the sun keeps rising and setting every day and I'm still breathing. I hurt so much, in more ways than 10. Thanks for any encouragement and I apologize for not being in a place to give encouragement to anyone. I'm miserable, bitter,and pathetic. I'm afraid of going back to the "hospital" so I pretend to my docs.
  2. SnooZQ

    SnooZQ New Member

    Sorry to hear you are in such dire straits.

    I notice from your bio that you have a bit of a med background.

    It seems from what you say above that you haven't received much help from your current docs? Many, many of us have had that experience. Welcome to the club!

    What helped me most when I'd almost given up hope was the book, Pain Free 1 - 2 -3 by Jacob Teitelbaum, MD. I got it at my local public library. In this book Teitelbaum himself a sufferer of CFS/fibro) discusses DOZENS of pain-relieving tricks -- some RX, many from other healing modalities. Above all, the good doc offers HOPE that no one should have to suffer as severely as you are right now.

    While I cannot say that this book cured me, several of the treatments mentioned in it have been very helpful to me. When you start chipping away at the sources of pain, life becomes somewhat easier ... and the sun begins to shine on you again.

    Best wishes.
  3. vannafeelbettr

    vannafeelbettr New Member

    I was barely hanging on by a thread. The depression and anxiety gets overwhelming. I've told people it is a good thing there is not a gun in my house, or I would have used it by now. Sadly, i have 2 little boya (3 and 1) who need a mommy. And not one who cries and yells at them all day.

    I got the courage to try a series of anti-depressents (and all the bs that goes with it). Unfortunately, deep depression and anxiety comes with the fibro territory. I've been on Cymbalta now for a month and it has calmed me a LOT. It's so much more better to be calm, even if you're in pain, you don't freak out about it anymore.

    Good Luck! I'm with you and I understand where you are. Sadly, those around you that are "healthy" don't get it.

  4. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    I know how you feel. You will get better. But there are some things that are very important to do.

    Please do me a favor and call 911 or your doctor. Do you have someone with you? Is there anyone you can call so you will not be alone.

    Is there a local help line you can call? They probably have a lot of good suggestions. Is there someone who can take you to the ER if needed?

    I know you do not want to go to the hospital but sometimes it takes several times before you see progress. By being honest with your doctors, you will help yourself in the long run.

    I call this depression "soul ache".

    A lot of us have had it and recovered. Hang on and you can too.

    Take care and let us know how you are doing.


    There is also a depression board here with lots of people who have experienced what you are going through.
  5. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    Hi fibrofoggiest

    I know what it is like to be in a dark , dark hole trying to reach up and thinking that no one will be reaching down for you. It doesn't seem like it will ever change . BUT IT WILL !!! Don't give up . It could be the darkness right before the dawn and if you give up , you will miss it.

    When I was at my worst , a wonderful doctor looked into my eyes and he said that depression is as bad as cancer . He said that depression is that severe , and your body needs medication to get rid of the horrible scourge on your body. He changed my life by getting me on anti-depressants .

    Yes , I have had some 'fall-back' situations , but each time I have not fallen as far . I have changed meds and doctors and situations. I guess I just want to say . Do anything that you have to to reach that light at the end of the tunnel. If it is the hospital , go . If it is a therapist , find the best one you can . If it is more meds , go for it.

    I am behind you with all the prayers that I can muster.

  6. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    A part of you already knows that pretending to your docs isn't doing you any good. They can't help you if they don't know what's wrong...

    It might be time to ask for a long term hospitalization if you can. Much different than the psych wards that admit you for a few days and send you on your way.

    A long term hospitalization may very well be just what you need. Usually they try to find a special place experienced in your type of depression and keep you there until your meds are level and you're feeling much better.

    And please, you're not're ill.


  7. Painwithgrace

    Painwithgrace New Member

    I hope you will do your absolute best to get the help you need to realize how you are feeling is the result of an illness of depression and NOT based on reality. I think a lot of us have had bad enough depression to know that there is treatment and an end to it. When you come out of it, you realize how impaired your thinking was and you can't believe you thought and felt that way. Please reach out to another person, family or friend, or call 911 and get a way to the hospital if you are seriously thinking about taking your life. You may not think anyone cares but you know what, your depressive thinking really narrows your way of thinking and you can't even think clearly. Talk about fog...please let us know that you will get help.

  8. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    I understand how bad you feel. I feel the same way a lot of the time. Depression is a terrible thing to have to live with.

    I know the pain is unbearble. But you can't just give up. Think of your family. Wouldn't they be upset if something happened to you? I read your bio, not much info there, I can't tell if you are male or female, have kids or not. Bt I am possitive you have parents,siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and such that would really, be grief sticken if you did something to yourelf.

    Please call your doctors, or at least a hot line. Get some sort of help. PLEASE!

    You are a child of God, you are special. I care about you!

    Please write again and let me know how you are doing.

    Your friend,
  9. FibroFoggiest

    FibroFoggiest New Member

    I can't get to sleep(as usual)so I came here. I'm bawling my eyes out, everyones kindness is overwhelming me. I have isolated myself so badly, for so long, I don't have any friends anymore and I'm not in a place where I can handle talking to a counselor, it's just too much grief (literally). I have a psychiatrist and other docs and am on many meds.
    My family is what keeps me alive but on occasion it's like even they can't keep me afloat. My list of conditions is scary long but I won't really go there unless anyone asks me to.
    I feel like I'm at least trying to do something good for myself by coming here today. I do need a few friends that understand me at least a little. Kellyann you have clearly offered friendship and I accept the offer. I don't know if I can keep up with communication unless I'm prompted to, so please don't give up on me if you don't hear from me for long stretches. I seem to have a problem with losing track of people online.
    In case anyone was wondering I'm a 40year old woman named Lisa.
  10. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    hello. i am so sorry to hear this and please many of us have been there. i don't know how i lived through it.

    recently, i started seeing a doctor - dr. a. martin lerner - and things are just starting to turn around.

    please please do not give up.

    if you want any information on my treatment, just ask.

  11. gws

    gws New Member

    I am so sorry to hear of your pain. i can so relate, i think all here can.

    honey, please don't be afraid to go back to the "hospital" if that is what you need to get through

    when we can face our fears, then we can find hope again.

    i don't mean to assume, but when you say "you are hurting in more ways than 10".... please call 911 or your docs.

    you may feel miserable and bitter, but you are not pathetic!!!!!

    you will be in my thoughts and prayers today, sending strength your way

    we all love you here and you do matter.

  12. jenn_c

    jenn_c New Member

    PLEASE call 911, and get the help you need. We will be here for you when you come home/
  13. kitteejo

    kitteejo Member

    I too have severe depression for most of my life. It is no fun and very dangerous. In 2001 a psychiatrist diagnosed me with chemical imbalance and said I must stay on my meds. I was on Prozac since 1985 and just switched to Cymbalta.

    I'm depressed again this week and the awful thoughts slipped back into my head but I learned years and years ago to just ride it through and it will pass. If I hadn't I would have missed so many things with my children-weddings, grandchildren-6 of them.

    Unless you've been through depression no one else can understand the pain of it so don't try to explain it to others that won't understand. Those people only frustrate me.

    Please know that we all care about you and understand what your going through. Stay with us. We will help you get through this awful time.

    Can't help you with the pain problem as my pain just started in July of this year and it is not as severe as most of you. I can help you with the depression though.

    Please do tell us more about your illness, I'm interested in what has caused you so much pain, is it more than FM and CFID?

    Please write back soon.

  14. ChyC

    ChyC New Member

    I was like you and many others, then I had an severe reaction to elavil and had to stop taking it. My doctor had then done some searching on fibro and treatments. He had told me he would try me on each one until he found out if any would help me.

    I thank him for looking because by taking the 1st combo of 2 meds, they worked. They helped with my pain and I found that the longer I was on them my depression began to lift and only seldom do I experience depression. The pain didn't disappear but it was far less intense. Those 2 were Apo-Gabapentin and Seroquel. They have worked for me and thankfully he cared enough to look into fibro.

    Don't give up and go tell your doctor what's happening for most of our doctors are on our side. Please ask for help and sooner than later.

    Thinking of you,

  15. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    I am so pleased that you did write back this morning! I was awfully worried about you last night!

    I will be proud to be your friend. I don't have many friends either to tell you the truth!

    I so understand your deep depression. I have chronic lyme disease and I feel like my whole body is on fire, and I hurt so badly I can barely walk. What conditions do you have?

    Do you have any kids? I do, I have 6 kids, and 5 grandkids!

    I am 45 years old, well you can read my bio if interested.

    Just remember that you do have a friend, I'm on here almost every day.

    Never think that you don't matter or that you are worthless. Jesus loves you and so do I!

    Your Friend!
  16. Painwithgrace

    Painwithgrace New Member

    Lisa, I am glad you are back today. I was also worried about you. Think of suicidal ideas as a SYMPTOM of depression, just like insomnia is a symptom of fibro. Then you can get the perspective that it is a symptom of a disease that needs to be treated (your depression). I know when you are in the middle of the depression, it is hard to get that perspective. That is why it helps to talk to someone else, like the suicide hotline, who can give you that perspective and get you through it. I had a bout of depression in February, after I lost my new phone, of all things, and I spiraled down by saying that I was worthless now that my brain had betrayed me and looked in the mirror and asked God to take me. I look back to that now and don't feel that anymore, not even close! I am grateful for my life! When you are in a depression, your thinking is NOT RIGHT. But you don't know it! Others can see it, but you can't. I think a lot of us understand...and you know what, the more you deal with it, the better you get at being able to realize that you need help, and getting help, and doing the work you need to do to treat the depression. A lot of us have gone through life-changing things either before the fibro and/or as a result of it, so you can imagine that depression is a pretty "normal" reaction to all that. OK, now it sounds like I am giving a lecture! I am sorry if it sounds like it. What I want most to say is I'M GLAD YOU'RE STILL HERE and I hope you take a step to get better. If you don't like or trust your psychiatrist, find a new one (but don't get rid of the old one until you do:) Please let us all know how you are doing and what help you need. You have friends here,
  17. FibroFoggiest

    FibroFoggiest New Member

    I have written a reply to each of you individually because I appreciate each of your replies. It's kinda long and I'm beat after writing it all down. I will type it out here tonight. Thank you all so so much. It's the least I can do to thank you all. I hope nobody gives up on me, I actually am starting to feel a little better by reading all your caring words.
  18. catlin

    catlin New Member

    I am 50. I am alone, no family, no close friends. I know how you feel. It is really bad. I hate this life. I try as hard as I can to see the good, and that keeps me going for a little while. I do not know how long I will last. I have had this sickness for too long now. I also have complications from other things that doctors refused to treat, they thought they were in my head. Who will want me as sick as I am? I am past the stage where men want me for my looks. At least I had that when I was younger.

    Lisa - you have at least 10 good years or more to make a relationship work. Give it your best shot.

    I know this sounds young to say all this, but it really is realty for me. I don't have another "try" left in me anymore.

    Hugs to you anyway.
  19. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    Thanks for replying. Do not feel like you need to write each of us individually. This is what this board is about. Concentrate your energy on getting yourself better.

    It's nice to be around people who really "get it", isn't it?

    Remember, Baby Steps

    Take care.

  20. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    I was just posting today about something that may interest you. There is a company called Genelex (you can read their website). Check the section on pharmogenetic testing. It helps to determine the best drugs to help you.

    They can test you dna/genes to determine the best medications for depression and many other medical problems.

    We all metabolize drug differently and it makes a huge difference in the types of drugs you will respond to and the dosage needed.

    See info below


    Pharmacogenetic testing is the alternative to "one size fits all" and "trial and error" prescribing. Knowledge of patient drug metabolizing gene variants, found in more than half of patients, can help determine the appropriateness and dosage of many of the most commonly prescribed drugs including:

    SSRI & TCA antidepressants
    opioid pain medications
    beta blockers
    Type I antiarrhythmics

    Genelex currently offers straightforward genetic tests that reliably identify and classify CYP2D6, CYP2C9 (with VKORC1 for warfarin),CYP2C19, CYP1A2, and NAT2 into their slow, normal, and ultra-fast metabolizing forms.

    A. PM poor metabolizer, absent or greatly reduced ability to clear or activate drugs.

    B. IM intermediate metabolizer. Heterozygotes for normal and reduced activity genes.

    C. EM extensive metabolizer. The norm.

    D. UM Ultra Metabolizer. Greatly increased activity accelerating clearance or activation

    The role of genetics in drug metabolism
    It is now clear that virtually every pathway of drug metabolism, transport and action is susceptible to genetic variation.

    It is estimated that 20 to 95 per cent of individual variability is genetic based. (NEJM 348;529 & 538 2003) Within the top 200 selling prescription drugs, 59% of the 27 most frequently cited in ADR studies are metabolized by at least one enzyme known to have gene variants that code for reduced or non-functional proteins.

    This compares with 7% of a random selection from the top 200 list. (JAMA, 286,2270 2001) Many other factors such as age, physiological functioning and concomitant disease are known and can be accounted for, leaving the genotype of the patient as a major unknown factor in the prescribing of medicines.



    "It's very hard for me to think about prescribing without it."
    - David Mrazek, Head of Psychiatry, Mayo Clinic

    Pharmacogenetic testing serves as an anchor for the intense personalization required to effectively prescribe antidepressant and antipsychotic medicines.

    Prevalent polymorphisms in genes for the cytochromes responsible for first pass metabolism of these, and many other drugs, cause differences in rate of drug clearance that result in dramatic differences in safety and efficacy. Physicians who incorporate pharmacogenetic drug reaction testing into their practice don't know how they had managed without that knowledge.

    Potential for drug drug interactions (DDIs)
    CYP2D6 and CYP2C19 metabolize virtually all of the antidepressants, many of which are also strong inhibitors of the enzyme.

    Adverse events driven by interactions between opioid analgesics and anti depressants can be greatly increased in patients with gene based decreased CYP2D6 or CYP2C19 functioning. Additionally, SSRI response is partially determined by variations in 5HTT, the serotonin transporter.

    Individualized Patient Reports based on patient drug, herbal and diet regimens
    DNA test reports can include patient specific information on potential drug drug interactions (DDIs) mediated by the tested polymorphic drug metabolizing enzymes, taking into account patient diet, OTC medicines, herbal preparations, recreational drugs and other factors.

    Testing patients for drug metabolizing enzyme genotypes can provide physicians with immediate insight into individual patient differences in drug processing ability and help decrease the time to safe and effective treatment. This information can be especially valuable when potential drug-drug interactions (DDIs) are a possibility.

    Physician Potential Benefits and Applications


    Resolve adverse drug reaction caused medical conditions.

    Determine the need for higher dose or more expensive drug.

    Understand sudden changes in behavior triggered by adverse drug reactions induced by drugs of abuse.

    Optimize drug therapy at an earlier stage in treatment, by narrowing the therapeutic options for the patient.

    Help patient understand difficulties


    Patients who have had therapeutic failures and need to receive a problem drug again.

    Patients who have had adverse drug reactions or severe side effects in the past.

    Family members of patients who have had an adverse drug reaction.

    Patients who want to be prepared for emergent situations.

    CYP metabolized drugs of abuse

    Dextromethorphan (Nyquil etc.)

    CYP Metabolized herbs and foods

    St. John's wort
    Ginko biloba

    Dosing Recommendations

    The following charts and tables are adapted from Julia Kirchheiner, et al Molecular Psychiatry Feature Review, 9 442-473 (2004), "Pharmacogenetics of antidepressants and antipsychotics: the contribution of allelic variations to the phenotype of drug response," a meta analysis of published research from 1970-2003 on the relevance of pharmacogenetic effects of CYP 2D6 and CYP 2C19 on 36 antidepressants and 38 antipsychotics.