blame

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by beccanrobg, Aug 19, 2012.

  1. beccanrobg

    beccanrobg Member

    It seems like since I received my diagnosis of fibromyalgia that I have been the blame of all that ills my family. I am so feeling sorry for myself now and hope that you can ignore some of the pity party that I'm having.

    Mostly just want to know if anyone else feels like they are blamed for all the problems in their households?

    I have two daughters. One is 25 - and many years ago - teen years ago - I was the bad guy - she had a love/hate relationship with me. She would give me a tongue lashing in front of my parents and husband and everyone would let her. I felt like I had no support.

    My other daughter is almost 15 - and unfortunately has felt like I blame her for my Fibromyalgia as I was diagnosed right after she was born. I was in an accident when I was pregnant and shortly after that had several issues that finally led to my diagnosis when she was very young. I just found out about her feeling like I blamed her.

    My husband is a counselor and his approach is to let me know how the kids are hurting but not to defend me or to stand beside me if I think they are being disrespectful to me or him.

    Today was a bad day - my daughter had said something hurtful to my husband that I tried to confront her on - you know told her I was disappointed in her - that I was angry that she hurt her father. That she needs to think about what she says and how it could hurt others. Anyway - I didn't need to defend my husband as he didn't care and when it all came down to it I blew my top protecting him and now I am the evil person who has hurt my daughter.

    When will I learn. I was raised in a household where you never disrespected a parent and if you did BOTH parents stood together.

    I also have issues as my father emotionally abandoned me years ago - we have had off and on again relationships but he is an alcoholic who never takes any responsibility for any of his relationships.

    So anyway - thanks for letting me cry and vent. Hate the fibro it has ruined my family and sometimes I feel like I should just move away - disappear. I don't know.

    thanks again - I know this makes little or no sense but I really have no support and needed to cry on your shoulder so to speak. God bless and hope you all are having a better day then me. Hugs - rebecca
  2. MicheleK

    MicheleK Member

    Hi Rebecca, I am so sorry you are having a rough time. My heart goes out to you. As a mother I know that nothing can hurt as much as having your children lash out at you, or feeling that they do not respect you after all you have done for them. Unfortunately this happens all too often.

    I do not have a family that puts any blame on me but that doesn't mean I can't understand how much that would hurt. Your husband for some reason just is not supporting you as a partner should. And being a counselor, he should know better. Perhaps just as you say you have some issues from your upbringing with your father, he may have some of his own that are leading him to not be in your corner in front of your girls.

    You may want to ask yourself if you yourself feel guilty inside for having the illness. Many do and it takes time to work through that once we recognize it. If we can eliminate our own inner guilt then we will be in a better position to stand up for ourselves and not allow what others think to eat away at our souls.

    Many also don't know how to deal with sickness so they lash out or ignore us. I have found this is pretty common.

    Only you know your own inner feelings. Only you know your family dynamics also. Wish things were better for you. I hope someone who may be in a similar dynamic will see your post and empathize with you. That always helps to talk to another who you "know" really gets it. Hugs, MicheleK
  3. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    I do think it's true, no one can hurt us like our children can. I had a very difficult relationship with one of my sons when he was in his mid to late teens. I didn't know how to deal with his hostility and it's only now (he's now 40) that I'm learning what I really needed to know back then. He was very unhappy so I became the target, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

    You might benefit a great deal from seeing a separate counselor (not your husband! - he's part of the mix). You have a lot of different issues, all meshing together, your illness, your distant father etc.

    For what it's worth, my relationship with my son right now is good. But it took too many years to get here, and it would have helped me a lot if I had found a competent counselor way back when.

    One more thing - there's an excellent book, the best I've ever read on child-rearing called Between Parent and Child, by Haim Ginott. I found that one after the time when I could have used it, but is really really good. He wrote another one called Between Parent and Teen-ager, which I didn't read, but presume is just as good as the first one. If you look it up on-line you'll see rave reviews for him. The books may be out of print but you can get them used. I wish I had had these books when my kids were little, and teens.

    You make plenty of sense, and if you can wangle seeing a counselor, the right one can be invaluable.

    Good luck -

    Mary
  4. beccanrobg

    beccanrobg Member

    I appreciate your insight - I am better today - not as self pitying. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I do blame myself. I've told my husband over the years that if I knew I was going to get this disorder I would not have burdened anyone with it. They have both told me how I've hurt them with being tired all the time, hurting all the time. Now with Jaclin saying that she thinks I blame her for my Fibro - well it is a royal mess

    My other daughter Amanda is being tested for hyperthyroidism and thinks she has Graves disease.

    Too much stuff right now I guess. I really blew it yesterday. I get so angry when I feel blamed for everything. It's like no one else can ever admit how they may have hurt me - it is always me hurting them.

    I'm going to try to get my daughter and myself into counseling. to work thru her feelings. It must really hurt her to think I blamed her. I was diagnosed after having her but have had symptoms since I was a kid. In fact, I'm afraid she might have it as well due to her physical issues.
  5. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    I was dx'd in the early 90's, my children were in school then and yes, I remember those days. I was fighting mono, and fms, and was expected to carry on. My husband wants to be the good guy and he would allow the disrespect. I was on my own also.

    Since I was unable to work outside the home then, I went to my first Al-anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. My sister was always at me to do this and I didn't understand why. I was and am grateful to this day.

    I learned to let go, take care of ME. It was a large part of my recovery.

    Yes, I feel your pain, I still remember how it felt. My husband still tries to get away with disrespecting me in front of people or getting my son to side with him in trying to poke fun at me.

    I took my son aside and told him I was aware of what's going on. My son only humors my husband, he has no real father/son relationship with him and really didn't realize what he was doing. I had to tell him how I felt.

    It takes me awhile til I realize what's happening and then I lose the moment when I should have spoken up.

    My children are grown now with kids of their own and I have the privilege of watching my one grandson who I adore. It's been difficult, I nearly gave up, but my doctor can't say I am "deconditioned" anymore, my muscles have become stronger.

    Hang in there. Is there some kind of group that you can join, such as a church group maybe? They become your other family. Your emotional support.
  6. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    One of the posters already mentioned Al Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. This would be a good place to start. You can learn to address the issues of self esteem that you may have had for a long time.

    It may help you in learning how to accept that the FM is not in any way your fault. It's a disease. If you see yourself in a different light others will see you that way too. First, you need to learn not to blame yourself and to find your own strength.

    I've had similar experiences in my family. It's a long road back but the fibromyalgia is only a part of the emotional turmoil you're having. You're important too, and right now you don't feel strong because of the pain and weakness in your body. Others aren't always there for us when we have a need; you may have to do this for yourself, for now.

    I went to meetings for several years and finally learned that I wasn't to blame for other people's behavior and they weren't responsible for how I feel about myself. I had to take responsibility for my own words and actions and feelings and they did for theirs.

    If we wait for the approval of other people so we won't feel guilty, it never happens. You know the FM is not your fault, it's real, it's physical and you're suffering.

    Find help for you and then all the other things may just fall into place. I've been there. GB66

    [This Message was Edited on 08/20/2012]
  7. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Active Member

    She seems to be learning quite a lot and along those lines he told her to read the book "boundaries" and then join a boundaries group. I go thru a lot of anger, resentment, hostility....most of it directed toward my husband of 45 years. I happened to bring this up with her yesterday and at first I was annoyed she didn't want to listen, saying"that's your problem and you have to deal with it yourself", but after thinking it over I found it IS my problem. Obviously she's learning.....something I also need to do.