Blue, defeated need to whine

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Callum, Oct 30, 2006.

  1. Callum

    Callum New Member

    Rough day

    1) I received my first rejection from an agent in the mail. They were kind enough to send back the two headshots I sent them - with 9 staples through them so I can never use them again.

    2) Tonight I went to a monologue competition, although part of me didn't want to go, as I'm in the middle of a flare. Pretty much nailed the monologue, and got great audience response. Except from the judges.

    If I had to hear "You were robbed" one more time...

    3) Another temp assignment (how I make my money) fell through. So, since July 27, when I returned from doing summer stock, I have worked a grand total of 60.25 hours.

    I feel like I'm not contributing at all to the household. And I think, "Why am I staying in a business where I have to put myself out to be judged constantly?" Isn't it enough being judged having an illness nobody understands?

    And to walk on stage, when my knees hurt, and my legs hurt, and my arms ache, and my head hurts, and then perform like nothing is wrong, THAT'S acting. And no one will ever know.

    I know this is petty compared to the issues people are dealing with on this board.

    But have any of you, who have loving, supportive spouses - ever considered leaving them so you didn't drag them down with you? Sometimes, when I see how hard my partner works, only to come home and do 75% of the housework so I can pursue my "career", I think, "How can I do this to this beautiful man?"

    Right now, the only thing that is keeping me from seeing today, and this week, as a total failure is this quote from Theodore Roosevelt: "The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood... who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

    Thanks for listening (i.e., reading)

    Callum
  2. Liz919

    Liz919 New Member

    I have often had that exact thought myself. I've even had more extreme ones. I have a daughter and when I was pregnant with her I flared back up really bad. On the worst of the worst days at my lowest moments I used to think that maybe I should just have aborted her so she wouldn't have had the possibility of getting this terrible illness. (multiple members in my family have FM so I'm quite convinced it's genetic) It was a horrible thought but I've managed to forgive myself. And now quite often when I'm holding her and almost drop her because my arm or back just can't take her weight or I can't get back up off the floor while we're playing to run after her I think that if I were any type of good mother I would put her up for adoption because she deserves a mommy who can play with her and take care of her without limits instead of a mommy who needs care herself. I've also thought that my fiancee and daughter would be worlds better if I just went away and never came back. It would free him from having to deal with my illness and insanity and his next woman would probably better equipped to take care of my daughter. But if you sit still long enough the thoughts pass and you realize that probably your love and being near you is enough of a reward for the people who help you the most. Obviously they see something in us we dont and who are we to belittle them by saying it's not enough. :)
  3. TwinMa

    TwinMa New Member

    Whine away! You had a bad day and deserve to whine!

    Your issues are not petty. They are no more or less petty than anyone else's issues. They are real.

    I think the fact that you put yourself out there day in and day out is truly admirable. That takes real courage. And old Teddy is right, you are not going to know success (or defeat) unless you try. And you are definitely trying.

    As far as your partner, well, he obviously knows a good thing when he sees it. He sounds like a keeper, but I think you sound like a keeper, too. You DESERVE each other! That's what partners are all about.

    Like Scarlett O'Hara said: Tomorrow, after all, is another day. Or you could go with one of my favorites by Rosanne Rosanna Danna: It's always somethin'!

    Hang in there.
  4. Callum

    Callum New Member

    Thanks for your replies. I'll probably delete my entry in the morning, as the self-pity of it will turn my stomach, but for tonight, I needed to let it out. I started to go to bed, and as I lay next to my sleeping partner, the shame was just overwhelming. So I had to write it out.

    Liz - One look at your beautiful little baby, and anyone could see that you made all the right decisions. When your child is old enough, she will know what an effort it was for you to carry her, and care for her, and so it will mean all the more to her. And just look at the picture you posted of her! This child is one happy camper! She doesn't look like she feels cheated because her mom is dealing with an illness, AND school, AND raising her, AND keeping a house.

    You made the right decision. Congrats on your strength.

    And Twinma - You are too kind. Thank you for those loving words. And two great heroines to quote!

    Callum
  5. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I'm so sorry for your rejection letter. Although I know it's part of your business, it must be a very tough part of your business.

    It kind of concerns me when you ask about leaving your partner so you don't 'drag them down with you'.

    I'm assuming your partner has a choice here, but shouldn't that decision be up to him? Some people really are in a relationship for 'better or worse' and I think he should be the one to decide if it's too much for him.

    It's entirely possible that he enjoys taking good care of you and it may even fulfill a special part of his loving and giving nature.

    To me, relationships aren't always 100% and 100% although that can be the goal. Sometimes it's 110% and 40% and that's just the way it is.

    Trust me, it can and does turn itself around with time. It's just all part of a long termn special relationship.

    As always the choice is yours on whether or not to stay in your profession. I'm sure through the years that you've given thoughts to other alternatives that could make you happy if you decide to leave this profession.

    Honestly, I think I'd talk all of this over with your partner and see how he feels. Ask him if it's too much...just ask.

    Hugs and hope you wake up feeling wonderfully refreshed,

    Nancy B
  6. springlakeorphan

    springlakeorphan New Member

    I had the same day yesterday.Probably felt the same as you. I married a wonderful man a few short months ago. He desperatly needs to have both knees replaced.But is waiting to do so because he must care for me. I am now on temp.disability and not able to work.Not as much income as we had before. I think he would be better off without me; financially and physically. But not emotionally. I can't do that to him. I told my daughter that I never would have had her if I had known she may end up this way. She is 25 and very much loves her mom. Pretty much devotes her life to me since this awful DD.
    My point is that their love is what keeps us all going. Think about others and how losing you would affect them for many years to come.
    Sorry my crystal ball is in the shop so I cannot tell you the future.But just take things one hour at a time and when you are feeling bad-contact me. I will kick you in the butt enough to keep on going for at least an hour.:)
    Peace and better days....Mary
  7. Callum

    Callum New Member

    In the words of Prickles - Thank God that's over! It's morning, and although I'm still feeling under the weather, the self-pity party has been thrown out the window.

    Nancy B - You're right, of course, relationships are rarely 50-50 at any time. And I know that, when I'm not luxuriating in a bath full of self-pity, I make him laugh, and this is important to him. Thanks for the reminder.

    Prickles - Thanks! Short, sweet, and right on target. How did your time with your family go? Did you have a good time?

    Mary - Your husband and daughter sound great - exactly what you deserve! I wish your husband a speedy recovery when he does get his knees repaired.

    And thank you - you have permission to give me a kick in the "tuchas" whenever you think it necessary!

    Callum

  8. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Sorry you have had such a bad day.

    Have you ever read the prayer :the serinity Prayer ?

    IF I can find it I'll Post it.I like your quote too.

    The Serinity Prayer~
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    To change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

    I hope you have a better Day Friend[This Message was Edited on 10/31/2006]
  9. Jordane

    Jordane New Member


    Callum,

    I am sorry I cannot help you!!:>(

    But will send a hug, if ok.

    Jordane
  10. mindbender

    mindbender New Member

    I see you're doing a little better. When I was reading this,(a day late)it reminded me of all those days when I was out there, not knowing I had this horrible thief of a DD on my tail.

    I pushed every day, harder I can admit, than the others doing the same work. For 24yrs I pushed harder and faster to achieve a lesser reward. I thought God hated me.

    When at 38 my life came to a screaching hault.(3or so yrs ago) A very painful hault I might add. To have all those yrs of achieving what I consider nothing, and now this.

    By the way, there is no up side to this story, so don't be looking for a happy ending. What I'm getting at is that there was no worldly acknowledgement for the effort I put forth. In fact my co-workers were always there to bring me down to raise themselves up. I think because my personality is so brash.(some people are now saying, no kidding?)

    Obviously this turmoil was taking its toll on my body. Now here I am, couldn't compete if I wanted to, and I do want to. It doesn't stop us does it?

    As far as partners goes, I've got a woman who witnessed this life. Saw it as it happened. Do you think there is an ounce of appreciation? No. If you've got a good man, excellent. Do you think he can hang in there?

    Are there any steady jobs in acting where you're at? What about radio commercials, Tv, or voice? Hows your radio voice?

    It sounds like your business has its highs and lows, that can wear on your already stretched all around health. Not like a steady job. I'm no advocate of steady jobs don't get me wrong. Do what you love. You go boy!

    Hey, I put another picture up.
    Take care, Dan









  11. Callum

    Callum New Member

    Carebelle - Thanks for the serenity prayer reminder. I know it well - I've been abstanant from food binges for 15 years thanks to OA. And after all that time, I still needed you to remind me I can only control what is in my hands to control. Thanks, my friend!

    Jordane - Thanks for the (((hug))). It is greatly appreciated.

    Dan - Love the new picture. I can understand why your wife would want it. Thanks for the words of support and encouragement. Reading your bio, I feel even more shame for wallowing in the pity. I am so fortunate. I haven't been in pain every day for about five years. I can work, although I have to be careful and monitor what I do. When there are so many people out there who have had much more robbed from them by this fakakta disease, what right do I have to whine?

    Thanks to all for not judging me for my weakness of character. I don't always reside in Pityburgh!

    Callum
  12. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    That's what we are here for. To support one another. I have my wrestles with the blue monster too. Keep your chin up, you will do fine.

    I look for joys in my day. You are blessed in so may ways. You have great talents and strengths and many friends here. May God bless ya.

    hugs and smoochies comin your way, Charlotte
  13. jjoys

    jjoys New Member

    I have those thoughts so many times. Especially on my worst days when I can't take care of my family the way I should. The way they need. Like liz919, when I was pregnant with my youngest I actually thought about abortion in my second week!! And I totally do not believe in abortion! Then my hubby and I c onsidered giving him up for adoption to a couple we knew very well who could give him a much "better life" ( or so we thought), and our other 5 kids could not believe we were saying that. But I really thought I shouldn't subject him to life with such a sick mamma. Turns out the older kids have been a super help. And we're soooooo thankful we didn't do either the ab or adoption. We'd be so heartbroken, devistated! I can't begin to contemplate it.

    I don't know you, Callum. Haven't visited this board for very long, and don't every day. But I wanted to ditto everything everone else has said. And just remind you that you're not the only one who has pity parties. It helps me to know I'm not the only one.

    Hope today is better.

  14. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    You answered your own question, of course, Callum. You do it because it's your passion; you stay because he's your passion; you live because you live with passion, it's what you do and who you are.

    It gets discouraging sometimes though, I know.

    Hugs to you,

    Marta
  15. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Another great piece of artwork. We like you more than you do.

    Marta
  16. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I read your message in the middle of the night, but didn't respond as I was feeling pretty depressed and crabby myself.

    Anyway, now that I've had some sleep I am better. First of all, you are not whining. You are venting. The first is annoying and the second is healthful. Anyway you are doing it at the proper venue.

    When I was a teenager I read a letter in some magazine. A lady was responding to an article about "the perfect man".
    I got the impression her husband was sort of wimpy (altho they didn't use that term then) and of frail health.

    But she didn't care. She loved him. She enjoyed fixing his scarf and fussing over him when he went out in the cold. She didn't mind nursing him when he was illish.

    It helped me understand that people look at situations w/ different viewpoints.

    What does your partner say? I bet he says things are just fine. If he thinks it's time for a change, he can always say so.

    I used to work for Hartford Ins. Co. The head of the San Diego area Claims Dept. had been a big band singer. When he got middle aged he turned to the business world.

    So, when you are no longer young and pretty, maybe you will want to make a career change. See how you feel in another 10 or 20 years.

    And your presence in always greatly appreciated here. You are always so positive and encouraging. Hope you are feeling better.

  17. Callum

    Callum New Member

    Thanks for the words of encouragement. The storm has passed, and I'm cleaning up after the "pity party." Such a mess!

    Thanks again.

    Callum
  18. Callum

    Callum New Member

    Thanks for the words of encouragement, and especially the kind words at the end.

    As far as "when I'm no longer young and pretty..." I came out of the womb old and craggy! I'm 41, and the actor playing my son Richard is 50!

    The bitterness in youth of not being "pretty" was softened when I realized I would never have to deal with losing my looks!

    Take care,

    Callum
  19. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    word loosely, cause she isn't one at all.

    but you need to decide what you want to do, of course.

    and talk to your partner about how they feel if you are bringing them do and how you could make them feel the burden less if they even care that you are a weight.

    i feel partners go through the good and the bad together and work it out.

    jodie
  20. Callum

    Callum New Member

    I'm sorry you had to go through that.

    You know, I can't really talk to my partner about how I'm feeling, and when I say that, I mean ONLY in regards to me feeling like a burden to him - We talk about everything else openly. It's just that, I know if I were to talk about this specific issue, then he would worry that he was doing something to make me feel like a burden.

    It all comes down to shame - how well we were taught to internalize shame when we were young, and how well we've held onto it.

    I can be in a store, and if the salesclerk is cranky, I'll think, "I wonder what I did wrong?"

    Okay, so it's shame AND an inflated sense of ego...

    Thanks for the words.

    Callum