Calling all mothers--anyone else feel like this sometimes

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by griswoldgirl, Mar 13, 2003.

  1. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    I feel like I am cheating my kids from having a real mom. Half the time I do not even get up with them in the morning to get them off to school. They are 14 and 9 and can fend for themselves, but my son is showing signs of needing more attention. My daughter is so independent she will not let me in to her life half the time.

    I am so self absorbed with my recovery from knee surgery and this DD that it takes all my time and energy right now. On top of that I am trying to study for my boards so when My knee is healed I can return to work as a registered Sonographer and job hunting will be easier.

    After 2-3 hours daily of exercising and studying for about 2 hours I am exhausted. I do not have the energy to cook dinner, do laundry etc. I am staring at a huge pile that needs to be done right now. My husband works out of town again so it is up to me. I am essentially a single mom again to my 14 and 9 year old. I sometimes contiplate running away and letting my husband raise them thinking they would be better off without me and my complaining and whinning about what I can and cannot do. I wish I could be Joan Cleaver and keep a front smile on for them and show them everything is okay, but I am not a good poker player-they know what I am feeling. Especially my daughter, she is way to in tune with me.

    I sometimes wonder if I should have had kids to begin with. When I met my husband I was 29 and had really decided not to have any-too much disease in my family-mom died at 39 from MS, her brother has MS, she suffered from depression and my father was scitzophrenic(spelling). My hsubands mom was bipolar and father was alchololic. Our kids are real high maintence, already had a scare with my daughter who tried to jump from the third floor balcony--she is now dxed depression and on antidepressants and she also has been diagnosed with fibro. My son is a bit hyperactive, but otherwise normal I think(what ever normal is)

    They are my heart and my life and I feel I am cheating them by not giving them more of me. My mother was unable to care for me since I was 5. My father was off his meds most of the time and useless, so in stepped my grandfather who lived with us, he was a drunk. I have lived on my own since I was 15 and do not know what is normal or if I am raising my kids well or not. I have no model to follow at all. I still feel like a kid myself muddling through life trying to figure it out.

    They are basically good kids and do very well in school. My daughter has nothing to do with drugs and is still not interested in sex(thank god) They help me as much as they can around the house. i love them dearly. I just feel so overwhelmed again. My husband was home with me until a week ago after my surgery and it was nice to be able to just take care of me--I just think I was not ready to fly on my own again yet--but we have to eat and he had to go back to work. so responsibility once again wins and I have to do what I have to do--just do not want to--sound like a two year old, huh?

    thanks for listening

    cathy
  2. praisingHim

    praisingHim New Member

    Yes, I can relate, Cathy. I have two small children. One is age three and my baby just turned one. Some days, I just put my 3 year old in front of the TV all day, and I just hate it!!! I have decided that I don't care what I feel like, that I will take the time to be with her, even if it's just reading a book, or listening to her tell me a story. I have decided that she just wants my time, and it doesn't really matter what we do. My husband goes out of town some too, but when he is home, he makes sure he gives the kids special attention and playtime. I feel guilty many days because my house is a mess, I don't feel up to cooking supper, and there is laundry to be done. I went to a new doc who stressed how important diet is for my energy level, so the last two weeks, I have cooked "easy meals" even though I am tired. I had to just make up my mind and do it. The Skillet Sensations and Lean Cuisine frozen meals are pretty taste and baked chicken and veges, soups, etc. are not too hard to make. I try to just stick to something that is easy to prepare and make enough for leftovers, so the next night I don't have to cook. Do you go to church anywhere? This has helped me tremendously too. We make sure that our kids get to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I usually make it every Sunday, but sometimes I don't make it on Wed. (too tired), so my husband takes the kids. This foundation of faith and child training makes me feel better knowing that my child is being taught moral and Biblical priciples, even though I am not always up to doing it myself. This way, when she gets older, she will already have that foundation. I just keep praying every day that I will be healed, and I do believe that it will happen. I try to stay positive (it's hard sometimes), but my attitude effects the whole family.....Hope I don't sound to preachy, I am just telling you what I have decided to do and what helps me. Right now I have a huge pile of dishes in the sink, and a messy house, but I just take one chore a day, and get it done. I want to encourage you to try to stay positive. Don't think your kids are better off without you....they need you!!!! Do whatever it takes to feel better. For me, it was changing docs, and heading down a new path. I still don't feel well, but I am telling myself that I WILL get better with time. Have a blessed day!!!
  3. fallingapart

    fallingapart New Member

    I know what you are talking about. I have two girls 11 and 13.It is hard to "be there" when you feel like poop.You just do the best you can and make absolute sure they know you love them with all your heart.I dont know what else to do.
    Just never think that they are better off without you because that is so not true,your children will allways need you , maybe not for physical reasons but definetly for mental and spiritual reasons.
  4. halogirl

    halogirl New Member

    Hang in there...I know it is hard sometimes. And your kids need you very much. Don't feel bad about having them help you out. It builds character in them. I'll bet you will find that deep down inside they feel better if they can help. I do have times I feel overwhelmed by it all too. It helps me to put on the mindset that I have to manage this disease everyday and that some days are just better than others and I don't know why. But I do know pain acheyness and just plain fear can be very draining and discouraging. You are not alone.....blessings.
    halogirl
  5. darlamk

    darlamk New Member

    By verbalizing how you feel lately and your sense of responsibity as a mother you are telling everyone what a great mom you are! It is tough to care for others when trying to just maintain ourselves. I have spent a lot of time on crutches with stress fx, surgeries on feet & knees and I know how frustrating it is (especially dealing with those wonderful adolecent kids!)I am sure your house is multi level too and that adds to the challenge. Your job these days is to get your knee healed up and to the best it can be. just do the best you can & know that is enough. I remember when my daughter was 14 and so embarrassed that I was on crutches at her school functions. They are kind of self centered at that age & really don't "get it" yet. I think our kids get so used to us complaining that they are numb to it. My daughter is 22 now and tells me what a great mom I have always been and when she was in high school, etc, how I always did so much for her! I about choked on that one since I remember a lot of slamming doors and "I hate You!" being shouted at me. Be kind to yourself Cathy and hang in there. Good luck with your studying - that is a lot to deal with too. One day at a time......
    Take Care,
    Darla
  6. mamie43

    mamie43 Member

    Hello Cathy:

    I receive newsletters from Immune/Support.com and decided to read some posts in the message boards. I belong to 2 other Fibro lists, but this is my first time here. Man! do I feel for you. I have had fibro since the age of 15, after a critical car crash, which, I guess i could say, i'm lucky to have survived!
    The symptoms crept up over the years, and have reached the debilitating stage around 10 years ago. I am now 43. I also suffer from migraines, multiple chemical sensitivities, irritable bowel syndrome, depression, myofascial pain syndrome and the almost, what seems like one hundred awful fibromyalgia symptoms. This process took almost 28 years; and medical prof. tell us its not progressive!
    I have a 24 year old daughter who also was diagnosed with FM, and has a 3 year old boy, my grandson, whom i love very much. I am devastated that my life as an active grandma will NEVER EXIST! I must accept that I can only spend a, minute to me, little amount of precious time with him, then must lie down. I am very angry!!!I love him so much and feel like such a failure. But I know he loves me despite my shortcomings because he always wants to be here with me. I have to accept the fact that time with him is limited but it is, quality time.
    My husband and I have adopted a little boy, our son, Austin when he was 4 yrs. old. I sometimes feel so guilty that he has decrepid old me as MOM! But then I remind myself of how much I love him, no one loves him more than I, and he knows that. His bio mom neglected him and she was young and healthy. He is going to be 8 in May, already!!! I remind myself that, I cook his meals, bathe him, give him the best that I can, physically and emotionally.I have to remember this, as you must also! When he hurts, I hurt and I might not be capable of playing baseball with him, but I can console him and kiss the boo-boo. I am always there ready to give him the hugs that he so desperately needs to be able to grow and thrive.
    I help him with his school work, attend as many of his sports and activities as I can.
    I am going to be honest with you. I often contemplate never waking up in the morning but what stops me are my kids. I decide to live with this torture, so that I coud be here for my kids! My daughter reminds me of how much she needs me on a regular basis, and that she loves me sooooo much.
    I hate that my house is a mess, but I'm learning to cope with that. I use to be a clean freek, so you can imagine how much I've had to change. My husband is supportive, he tries very hard. But he cannot know the extent of my pain. I feel that as long as someone sees you moving about your day,they think that it can't be so bad. My hubbie doesn't say this but I can tell by what he expects from me. He gives off this big sigh if some of the laundry is not done or on a very bad day, dinner is soup and sandwiches!
    We do fight some times and I tell him like it is. Either he does it himself or be quiet.
    I am here if you need me,
    T.L.C.
    Mamie43(Marielle)
  7. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    it feels good to know I am not alone.

    yes I do go to church, have not been in a few weeks since last surgery because it is hard to sit for so long. I plan on going back on Sunday.

    My daughter is a little mad with god lately. she used to go to youth group every wednesday, but does not want to right now. I do not push--I find that is the easiest way to ailenate her.

    again thanks

    cathy
  8. Notonline

    Notonline New Member

    Thought I was the only one myself that felt like this somedays! I feel horrible thinking that my 4 yr. old is being cheated out of a "real" mom somedays, because I feel like a piece of crap.

    Doesn't help either, when my sister-in-law is trying out for the "Joan Clever" awards!! LOL!

    I keep pluggin' on though...the thought of someone else taking my place as mommy, or enjoying those "special times" together...NO WAY! That's what keeps ME going!

  9. Madelyn

    Madelyn New Member

    I lost almost a year of time with my children when I became really ill in 1994. We happened to live with my Mom at the time so she pretty much cared for them as my husband had to work. Thank God for her! But I must tell you that I very much regret that time I'll never get back with them, and more importantly, the time they missed with me. They were at various stages of development and I wonder now, when they have difficulties, if it's not due to that time. Your kids need you much more than they show, esp. the teenager! The fact that you can't do everything physically with them is not that big a deal. They are flexible that way. No parent CAN do everything. What they can't do without is you emotionally, relationally, your full attention and care.
    This sounds bad, I know, but you must make up your mind to put your problems second to their needs. You are still their parent, nothing relieves you of that God- given job. And He will give you the ability to do the job. I have learned now, while still taking care of my needs, to try to give them a normal day to day life. Not to have them focus on my problems, even to play them down (to them). Kids don't need to worry about their Mom.
    You will never regret giving yourself to them. I regret what they missed from their Mom, which no one can substitute for, when I was whining and focusing on myself.
    I can't give them what they missed, but they have me now.
    I hope this helps.
    Madelyn

  10. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    for years. My X left when my youngest kids were 7 and 8. I had been having a lot of problems with endometriosis for several years, and about a year after he left my health went down the tubes, 4 major surgeries in 4 years. I continued to work full time throughout all that and just pushed and pushed through each day, I felt like a robot. Several years ago I think my body just crashed and began a downward spiral.

    My youngest are 18 and 19 now, and even though they are older and very self sufficient in many ways, I can see how my illness has affected them, each one differently. Not only do I not have the physical energy and capabilities that I used to, I also don't have the emotional energy. I think my 18 y/o daughter really feels cheated and is angry at my illness, but I have recently gotten her into therapy for something unrelated, and she is more understanding about it now.

    Please don't feel that you are alone. I think, in a way, us mommies are so programmed to give everything we have to our kids, that when we just don't have it to give anymore, or we have to use what's left inside of us to help ourselves, we automatically feel guilty.

    I've come to terms with this. I know I've been the best parent I could be. I haven't been perfect, I've made mistakes, I've said and done some things that I would do differently now, but I've always been there, and tried my best, and I am very open with my kids and encourage them to talk about how things make them feel. You do the best you can do at the time, and that's all you can do. Things happen to people that you don't count on, or figure into the equation. It can happen to ANYone. Beating yourself up over it emotionally is not going to help them or you.

    Give yourself a break, OK? You can't be all things to all people. You are doing the best you can. You are there, that's what counts. In a crazy kind of way, I think this is teaching your kids something valuable as you all go through this together. It will teach them compassion, it will reinforce what *family* means - everyone working together for each other.

    Geez, I'm rambling, just basically wanted to say you are not alone out, many of us DO understand how you feel.

    {{{{hugs}}}}

    Karen