Can anyone relate to this physical/mental correlation?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by PrincessofYoga, Dec 2, 2002.

  1. PrincessofYoga

    PrincessofYoga New Member

    Hi

    Its been a while since I have been here. I have been silently struggling with this dd and life itself trying to get myself together. See, before this illness struck me down in March, I was a healthy...loving...patient..spiritually in-tuned individual. It seems this illness has not only taken away my reliable body strength but it also contunes to steal every bit of spiritual and mental strenth that I can seem to muster.

    I have in my life been through alot of stuff that most women my age have not. I have come through it, feeling strong and capable, and knew that no matter what God had in store for me that he has given me the ability to conquer it and prevail. This illness however seems to has blind sided my senses and has left me with open growing wounds that I dont know how to care for.

    As I sit here, I know that I am exactly where I have always wanted to be personally. I have been reunited with my love after 15 years, have the love of him and his two children, and have a fantastic (now part time) job. However, my body aching off and on, stealing my energy and ability, and the mental irritability and mood swings, have now stolen the person I used to recognize as me. Me, the former me, does not exist any more. So, what to do now?

    I dont know if I need more medication or less? I am taking elavil 50mg and occasionally vicodin for headaches that I have had since a car accident 3 months ago. I taste infection in my mouth occasionally and have discharge daily (some smelling bad). I have horrible teeth (look good from the outside) and am deathly afraid to go to the dentist. My last visit brought me so much pain (felt everything even though my entire face and neck was numb). My doctor started out wonderful but with the changes I am now going through, he is clueless on what to do with me. I have a specialist appointment (someone who is known to have fm patients and experience) but it isnt until January 26th.

    I need some guidance. I know there is no one answer. I guess I am wondering what I need to do to get some peace of mind. I dont know who I am any more. My honey doesnt understand (even though I can see that he really wants to) and in turn doesnt know what kind of support I need. I tell him all of my fears, cry, etc. and he just stares at me. I am thinking maybe, do I need to move back home to my parents (in another state) to heal a little? oh gosh, major decision. Anyone any ideas???

    I am sorry for being so down. I am at the end of my rope and used to be able to climb back up with ease. I am not used to being mentally AND physically weak. help!

    Namaste
    Lisa
  2. PrincessofYoga

    PrincessofYoga New Member

    Hi

    Its been a while since I have been here. I have been silently struggling with this dd and life itself trying to get myself together. See, before this illness struck me down in March, I was a healthy...loving...patient..spiritually in-tuned individual. It seems this illness has not only taken away my reliable body strength but it also contunes to steal every bit of spiritual and mental strenth that I can seem to muster.

    I have in my life been through alot of stuff that most women my age have not. I have come through it, feeling strong and capable, and knew that no matter what God had in store for me that he has given me the ability to conquer it and prevail. This illness however seems to has blind sided my senses and has left me with open growing wounds that I dont know how to care for.

    As I sit here, I know that I am exactly where I have always wanted to be personally. I have been reunited with my love after 15 years, have the love of him and his two children, and have a fantastic (now part time) job. However, my body aching off and on, stealing my energy and ability, and the mental irritability and mood swings, have now stolen the person I used to recognize as me. Me, the former me, does not exist any more. So, what to do now?

    I dont know if I need more medication or less? I am taking elavil 50mg and occasionally vicodin for headaches that I have had since a car accident 3 months ago. I taste infection in my mouth occasionally and have discharge daily (some smelling bad). I have horrible teeth (look good from the outside) and am deathly afraid to go to the dentist. My last visit brought me so much pain (felt everything even though my entire face and neck was numb). My doctor started out wonderful but with the changes I am now going through, he is clueless on what to do with me. I have a specialist appointment (someone who is known to have fm patients and experience) but it isnt until January 26th.

    I need some guidance. I know there is no one answer. I guess I am wondering what I need to do to get some peace of mind. I dont know who I am any more. My honey doesnt understand (even though I can see that he really wants to) and in turn doesnt know what kind of support I need. I tell him all of my fears, cry, etc. and he just stares at me. I am thinking maybe, do I need to move back home to my parents (in another state) to heal a little? oh gosh, major decision. Anyone any ideas???

    I am sorry for being so down. I am at the end of my rope and used to be able to climb back up with ease. I am not used to being mentally AND physically weak. help!

    Namaste
    Lisa
  3. JP

    JP New Member

    Hello Lisa,

    I can relate in so many ways. I can say that I have been addressing these very issues in a psychotheraputic setting. The person I see is good with chronic pain and illness issues. She is kind and I feel better talking with a "neutral" person. I do not share a lot of my illness and pain issues with my partner or loved ones. When I do, I tend to feel worse and my condition feels too real. Last night I shared some of my fears and it was a good connection with my partner and a positive conversation. I am also looking into joining one of Dr. Gerald Jampolsky's Attitudinal Healing groups. Funny thing...I use to be a volunteer of this work in the late 1980's, helping others...I offer the principle’s of this work in hopes it will offer some peace or an opening of sorts.


    THE PRINCIPLES OF ATTITUDINAL HEALING (Dr. Gerald Jampolsky)

    1. The essence of our being is love.
    2. Health is inner peace. Healing is letting go of fear.
    3. Giving and receiving are the same.
    4. We can let go of the past and the future.
    5. Now is the only time there is and each instant is for giving.
    6. We can learn to love ourselves and others by forgiving rather than judging.
    7. We can become love finders rather than fault finders.
    8. We can choose and direct ourselves to be peaceful inside regardless of what is happening outside.
    9. We are students and teachers to each other.
    10. We can focus on the whole of life rather than the fragments.
    11. Since love is eternal death need not be viewed as fearful.
    12. We can always perceive ourselves and others as either extending love or giving a call for help.

    Hang in there...take what you like and leave the rest...jan

  4. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    my advice to you is as follows: first of all, make no major changes in your life when you are physically and mentally depressed. Decisions such as yours with your mate are not to be made when you are this ill, because you may make mistakes that are hard to fix later. You say he is supportive, but clueless as to how to help you. Girl, you are WAY ahead of most of us there. Provide him with written information and tell him that, like all men, he thinks he is supposed to "fix" every problem. Well, he CAN'T fix this one for you, but he can be loving and supportive and he can help you with tasks that you cannot do (at this time!) Can he go to your doctor appointments with you??? My hubby goes with me and I find this to be very helpful....once I made him understand that he couldn't watch me get weighed, that is!! Please don't risk breaking up with a love you're finally reunited with. Most people don't get a second chance!
    If you are a Christian, you know that God is there for you through all of this. Talk to Him. Don't allow evil to rob you of your spirit!!! This illness causes many to be depressed and I understand that all too well, but DON'T allow it to take YOU away. I said "ALLOW" because YOU are not your illness and "the former you" is still there. You have been blindsided but you are still there and you are capable of making wise decisions. Be informed...read and listen and absorb the wisdom of experience from those of us who have been where you are. This will not ruin what is the REAL you if you don't let it. Your screen-name tells me a lot about you. Don't make the mistake of allowing your self-worth to be only your physical strength and physical beauty. If you have, rethink that, because I KNOW that you are a lovely, spiritual being and as you evolve, age and change through life's experiences, you may have to alter what you thought was the essence of YOU. You have more to offer than that. I bet the yoga helps your pain, huh?? I'd love to be able to try that. Maybe you can advise me all about that when you're feeling better! I see you are a parent now to your guy's children~~what a blessing that is. I bet they see you as a wonderful person and they probably depend on you so much. Your job is fantastic???? Gosh, how many people on this board can't say that! Lean on us...we'll be there for you! When you need to cry, do so and don't think it means that it is the end!!! Crying is therapeutic; just ask this board! You have a right to grieve and be depressed now and then and the Elavil may no longer be what you need to treat that! And the Vicodin you take, well that made me a major b$&^@!!! Does it relieve your headaches? If not, ask the doctor to try something else. There are many other meds that can help. Why is your head hurting still from the accident? Could something else be the problem or is it from the FM? I understand the dentist causing pain and fear, but it sounds like you have some infection and it could be making those headaches much worse! Oral infections can become systemic and that concerns me for you. Maybe an antibiotic plus probiotics is needed.....the discharge you describe, is it vaginal? If so, that needs to be treated as well. Do you know the cause? That can be horrible. Read about systemic yeast on this board.....you'll learn so much!
    I think we all understand exactly how you feel. You need support and we can give it. You need knowledge and we can give it. You need fellowship and we can give it. Don't let this eat you up. Treat what needs to be treated; worst problem first and then go step by step. What kind of specialist are you scheduled to see?? A Rheumatologist?? You'll have plenty of questions to ask him when we get through with you. You need that knowledge, too, so that you can make wise decisions. Doctors are NOT God and YOU have a large part to play in your treatment.
    Cry, then wipe your nose and read and post and post and read....don't forget to pray. We have a worship board, too, check it out!
    With love and concern,
    Kady

    [This Message was Edited on 12/02/2002]
    [This Message was Edited on 12/02/2002]
  5. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Kady just eloquently summed up all the advice--any of us would give--
    So, since I cannot add anything to her wonderful advice, I wanted to send Gentle Hugs your way, and reiterate that all of us have been where you are---and are here to support you, always.
    Best Wishes,
    Karen
  6. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this, but you've gotten some good advice here---and I'd like to echo JP's suggestion. The best thing I ever did when starting on this long, scary journey with FMS was to locate a therapist who specifically counseled people with chronic illnesses. This lady saved me---not only did she help me learn how to deal with my anxiety, fears around this DD, but how to deal with friends, family, & doctors. She became my best ally & advocate! And it wasn't a lifelong commitment---I think I saw her for less than a year, until I really felt I didn't need her, but she made a world of difference. You might check this out...

    And please don't apologize for feeling so down, we have all been there! This board is great for info and support, so come here often---I always feel better when I do!

    Soft Hugs,
    Pam
  7. PrincessofYoga

    PrincessofYoga New Member

    JP, Karen, Kady and Pam
    Thank you so much to each of you for your support.

    Kady, your words were exactly what I needed to see. I have always been the girl who would say "fantastic" when asked how I was and was joking about that to my boyfriend the other day. That word doesnt come to mind much any more and that started to scare me. Sitting here by myself all day doesnt help the "feel sorry for me's" that seem to come. I have alot of work to do and know that it is probably one of the biggest hurdles of my life. I have been struggling for so long with all of these problems that keep cropping up that I have lost my balance. Time to take control again. take back what is mine.

    About the yoga...I used to be in the gym daily, kickboxing, yoga, and weightraining. I LOVED the way I felt, physically and spiritially. Yoga was my passion (ashtanga and bikram) and knew it would be something that could focus my energy and life force. I have, since March, steered away from all physical activity (except for walking) because I am afraid. In my heart knowing I need get back to the basics again and start building my new life but letting the fear of fatigue and pain keep me from moving or experiencing anything outside of "safe".

    Thank you all for your love and support. Even though I am afraid, I know now...or at least realized...that I can do this. All of my life I have faught and come ahead. Now is the time to pull from those life lessons. Now, is when i truely show myself just how STRONG i really am.

    I cant say enough how reading these words of encouragement have helped me. Just know that it has....and that I am grateful to the core


    Namaste
    Lisa
  8. shell

    shell New Member

    Definitely can relate to being able to exercise and now scared. I was also 4-5 nights a week doing all sorts of classes (kickboxing definitely a favorite) - was struggling with my attention span in yoga (havn't learned to meditate yet). I abruptly stopped the exercise back in July when my boyfriend became home bound with a leg injury. September 1st was when the fibro flare started and has gotten worse every day since then. I am still wondering if exercise correlated with my first 'flare'. I have been testing out the waters and now realize that mentally I cannot survive without the gymn... I jumped back in last week full fledge into my kick-boxing class - aerobic activity seems to make me BETTER for the short term and then hurts later but not more then I could stand. Weightlifting and machines such as the eliptical definitely were harder. Feel like I don't have the strength and it actually hurts during the workout. So I am sticking to the kick-boxing and going back tonight and hopefully working up to the other. Yoga probably is the best of all to do in this condition, I definitely should give it a shot. I am hoping that after I get into my former routine that some of this pain may lesson. I know if you went before you will definitely find a way to go back, you will miss it too much!! Take care!
    [This Message was Edited on 12/02/2002]
  9. dlizard

    dlizard New Member

    its certainly an emotional roller coaster... and I'm with ya over here! Good luck!
  10. PrincessofYoga

    PrincessofYoga New Member

    Jaimy, as always, you have been there for me. Love you like a sister. I was so close to your house this past week! Wish I could have seen you.

    Shell, you know, kickboxing was one of my favorites too. I remember how it felt afterwards, how much strength I had, inside and out. I worked out pretty intense (stood right in front of the mirror). I used to just focus on me...not really seeing me...but looking into myself for the strength. The girls that were in my class used to laugh at me..in a good way...and say they would NEVER mess with me, seeing the intensity in my face when I kick. What a wonderful wonderful way to rebuild. That is what I need to do...start doing. Rebuild. I am not a quitter...nor will I ever be. Time for me dang it! Now, finding a way to afford it, a gym membership,...that is another thing!!!

    I cant say this enough...thank you thank you thank you!!

    Namaste

    Lisa

    Ps...Rodney yee has wonderful yoga tapes, for all levels. It is nice to be able to do it at home first if you are uncomfortable going to a class. I would recommend a class though. Most gyms will let you take a "trial class" to see if it what you want. Also, never be embarassed by what you "cant" do. I did yoga for years and was still unable to do alot of advanced stuff. It depends on each persons body. I tell you, yoga will heal if you allow it to. Shame that I forgot all of this!!!