Can I get your opinion? Not CFS or FM Related

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kch64, Dec 3, 2005.

  1. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Hi. This is not related to our illnesses. I just want opinions please and I hope you all won't mind me asking.

    I have a friend that I've been out of touch with for about ten years. We grew up together. She got married and I got married.

    Last time I spoke to her,about three years ago, she had five children. She called me and when she found out that I wasn't having children, she got very upset and then when she found out I had kept my maiden name instead of taking my husband's name, she couldn't believe it. She asked me why and I told her it was my choice. She acted as if she just couldn't believe that I would not want to have kids.
    I like kids, just never felt the huge urge to have them.
    I always thought I might adopt anyway, but so far that isn't part of my plan, especially now that I'm sick a lot of the time.

    Now I've had her on my mind since Christmas is coming up and thought I'd write her a note and a card, but I'm not sure if I should just let her go and forget about it.

    She kind of made me angry, as if she's the only woman in the world to ever bear children, however, we were friends for a long time and had some nice times together. I don't know if I'll feel better or worse for contacting her.

    Do you think I should contact her or just let it go as history.

    Thanks,
    Kendra
  2. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    You don't need judgamentalism in your face. Friends appreciate and respect eachother. Life choises are sacred and should not be treaded upon. Id she was happy with her ownlife she would not be prone to judge others. History, for sure. Why pet a dog that bites?
  3. FibroJo

    FibroJo New Member

    Sorry but I disagree with the others. I feel that as long as you always do what you know is right and what God would expect from you, you CANNOT go wrong. Just send a card with a casual note about how you have been thinking about her and wish her well. How you sign the card will let her know you never had kids. She should not be judgemental but neither should we be.
  4. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    Kendra,

    I agree with the others that you should let it go. While you've had good times with this friend, she still sounds toxic to you. Having or not having children is an extremely intimate descion, you shouldn't have to explain your self to anyone. With this DD, we have to concentrate on the positive not negative relationships.

    Nancy
  5. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    Maybe she was in a rattled mood that day and just kind of took it out on you.I would try contacting her one more time but if she continues to make a big deal out of it I would say something to her and then if it keeps going on just let that relationship go.People change over the years,we aren't the same people we were in high school.She can't exspect you to share her beliefs just because you are friends,she should respect that and be happy that you called.Give it a chance maybe it will end up being a good thing for you both.
  6. kch64

    kch64 New Member

    thanks for your comments. I really appreciate all of the input.

    Kendra
  7. XKathiX

    XKathiX New Member

    It's very interesting that after not being in touch for so long, she actually called you to say that she heard you weren't having kids and kept your maiden name. Very strange.

    Friendships are so hard. I always envied people that had life long friends since childhood because that never happened to me. I had a very best friend in high school, we were like sisters. I was a year older than her and after she graduated from high school she just stopped calling me - very abruptly. I had read that she got married and new her married name.

    So about 5 years after she was married I decided to call her (I was having a sentimental moment). Her husband answered and I asked for her, he asked who it was and I gave my first name only. When she got on the phone and said hi, I said hi do you know who this is? And she said yes, Kathi xxxxxxx. Do you know she said the wrong last name! She added an "son" to the end of my actual name - I was floored! Anyhow, I really wanted to catch up with her because we had been so close, so we talked for about an hour. When she had to get off the phone she asked for my number so that she could call me back. I never heard from her again. It was sad, but at least I knew I tried and it really was her decision not to have contact anymore.

    The whole kid thing is another bone of contention with me. I also do not have any children. People are full of opinions - "Don't you want any?" "You would be so great with kids" "If they are your own it's different (this is after I tell them I have no patience and am afraid I would abuse them". I have many reasons for not wanting children. I don't feel I have enough money to properly raise a child and give them all of the essentials that they need. I think this is a scary world and I don't want to bring anyone into it. I also think of adoption - an older child who no one wants. I have many neices and nephews and I treat them as my own, so that's enough.

    I'm sorry your friend did this to you. You have to rate how important it is to you to resume contact again. It sounds like you wouldn't have much in common anymore, but if you think this is going to be gnawing at you and you want to give it one more shot, than go for it. Just be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

    -Kathi
  8. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    No Kathi, she didn't call me for that, she just called to talk, and then she found out through our conversation that I didn't want to have kids and that I kept my name.

    That's when she became a bit self-righteous (unfortunately)

    It's strange but the same day I posted this, my brother visted me and he said "Do you ever her from so and so anymore?" You know, sometimes I have a bit of ESP going on.. I bet something is wrong with her and I'm picking it up. I know you all might think I'm nuts (smile) but I'm not.

    Well I will decide. I'm too sick today to think about it.
    Went to the Doc and have the stomach flu.

    Yuck.
  9. twerp

    twerp New Member

    advice, but felt I must respond as this hits close to home for me.

    My husband & I decided, before we even got married, that we did not want to have children. Neither of us had that overwhelming urge to be parents that I've heard some people have. And we both think you should have a very strong desire to have children in order to do a good job raising them.

    At any rate, we have really gotten heat for our decision over the years - from parents, friends, even people we barely know. One woman even called me a "freak" to my face.

    I can't imagine what is wrong with these people. Sometimes, I think they regret their own decision to have children and are just jealous that they didn't give it more thought before doing so. From what I've seen, most of our friends who did have children are less happy than we are.

    Anyway, just to let you know you are not alone. You've got to be true to yourself and make decisions that are right for you, not for others.

    Hugs,
    Twerp
  10. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Thanks for your post.

    I always played with baby dolls, I love babies, I think kids can be very sweet.

    BUT****** I've never been a woman that felt she had to be a mom. I don't have the tolerance for bad children.

    So, If was unfortunate enough to have an unruly child, I would be in big trouble.

    I've watched those nanny shows, and I couldn't take it if I had kids like some of those families.

    However, I've often thought of adopting an older child, but kids need a lot of energy, time and money. They deserve it.
    And I don't have that to give them.

    Maybe one day I will decide to adopt. But for now, I'm fine the way I am.

    I've been called selfish by people in my own family. If considering the feelings of children prior to birth is being selfish, then I guess I am. I've always felt a child should be the top priority of any family who has them.
  11. XKathiX

    XKathiX New Member

    I hope your belly is feeling better. It was in our paper this week that the stomach flu - Norvo Virus? is running rampant.

    Be well
    Kathi
  12. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    No not yet, I'm sure it will take a bit longer.

    I've had to "run" to get to the bathroom today.

    Yuck Sorry.

    Kendra
  13. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Thank you Patti. I appreciate you posting to my question.

    Well, I think I am a good friend. No one is perfect, but I'm not going to judge someone for not having kids or having them.

    Like you said, that's a major personal decision. Doesn't mean I'm a tyrant.

    As a matter of fact, I'm a great babysitter, I can play with them, spoil them, and then mom and dad have to pay for them, take them to the docs, etc (smile).

    Thanks again.