can u read this? from an email, funny, other tidbits, info

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Catseye, Jan 23, 2007.

  1. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    Only great minds can read this
    >>>This is weird, but interesting!
    >>>fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
    >>>Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
    >>>i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
    >>>The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
    >>>Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres
    in a
    >>>wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat
    ltteer be
    >>>in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
    >>>it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
    >>>lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
    >>>awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad

    The Einstein Aging Study and published in the June 19, 2003 issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, indicates that the following three activities provide strong, protective effects against the onset of dementia:

    Playing a musical instrument
    Playing board or card games
    The Einstein Aging Study also looked at eleven different physical activities and their relationship, if any, to a delay in the onset of dementia. The study found that dancing was the only physical activity among the ones they evaluated that provided a significant, protective effect against dementia. Walking, swimming, doing housework, and babysitting were not found to have an effect on the age of onset of dementia.

    Clearly, the frequency with which a person participates in mentally stimulating activities and the amount of effort that is applied are two important variables that go a long way towards building cognitive reserve and preventing dementia.

    Also, it makes sense that physical activities that require significant concentration and thought can also help to build one's cognitive reserve. This would help to explain why dancing provides more of a protective effect against dementia than walking or swimming do; dancing often requires learning new movements and concentration, while walking and swimming can become relatively "mindless" activities, assuming that one is not creating a masterpiece in his or her head while walking and swimming.

    > >George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
    >told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
    >from the bedroom window.
    > >
    > >Georgeopened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
    >people in the shed stealing things.
    > >
    > >He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
    >"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
    >lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
    > >
    > >Georgesaid, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
    > >
    > >"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
    >shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
    >all." Then he hung up.
    > >
    > >Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
    >ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
    > >
    > >One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
    > >
    > >Georgesaid, "I thought you said there was nobody

    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
    peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
    passengers in his car."
    --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
    get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
    "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
    --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
    There's a support group for that.
    It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
    --Drew Carey

    4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
    not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
    doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
    drop them off at the wrong house."
    --Jeff Foxworthy

    5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
    and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
    infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
    --Dave Barry

    6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
    we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
    wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
    There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
    you, they should have to find you a temp."
    --Bob Ettinger

    7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
    her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
    'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
    --Paula Poundstone

    8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
    better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
    authors of that study: "Duh"
    --Conan O'Brien

    9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
    halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
    I could be eating a slow learner."
    --Lynda Montgomery

    10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
    people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
    and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
    Let's go west.'"
    --Richard Jeni

    11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
    impersonators would be dead."
    --Johnny Carson

    12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
    --Paul Rodriguez

    13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
    but they turned sixty and that's the law"
    --Jerry Seinfeld

    14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
    case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
    from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
    What, do tall people burn slower?"
    --Warren Hutcherson

    15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
    Monogamy is the same."
    --Oscar Wilde

    16) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a
    member of Congress.. But I repeat myself"
    --Mark Twain

    17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
    At least they can find Afghanistan."
    --A. Whitney Brown

    18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
    and the dog will give you a look that says,
    'My God, you're right!
    I never would've thought of that!'"
    --Dave Barry

    19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
    Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
    --Unknown, presumed deceased

    20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
    I believe I'll have another beer."
    - W. C. Fields

    And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English ? !!!

    Just some emails going around.

  2. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I really liked your post.
  3. xchocoholic

    xchocoholic New Member

    ""9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
    halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
    I could be eating a slow learner."
    --Lynda Montgomery ""

    This really creeped me out the last time I was there.
    You spend the day enjoying learning all about the pretty fish and then you eat one ... EWW !! Did it though and it was definitely fresh ... LOL

    Cute ... I could read teh one with the scarmbled leteters so i dont' think i'll edit anyomre ..marica
  4. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    They really have one? Eeeek!! What do parents do when the kids ask the inevitable question?

    your unediting is funny, now let's talk like Yoda, too

    later I will see you

  5. xchocoholic

    xchocoholic New Member

    Purina diet

    I was in Wall-mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog... (DUHHHH)

    I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
    probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time.

    BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
    in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

    Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story, and she was totally buying it.

    I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet, and that the way it works, is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

    The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. ( I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

    Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

    I said, Oh NO!, I'd been sitting in the street licking my toosh when a car hit me.

    I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out the door.

    Laws Of The Natural Universe

    1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

    5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

    6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

    7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    11. Sporting Event Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and during the most critical time in the game.

    12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

    15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

    16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

    18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    > A study worth sharing with my friends.
    > A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
    > has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds
    > attractive on a man can differ depending on where she
    > is in her menstrual cycle.
    > For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to
    > men with rugged and masculine features.
    > However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
    > tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape
    > over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while
    > he is on fire.
    > No further studies are expected.

    Thanks for the laughs ... marcia

  6. Catseye

    Catseye Member


    My dad really gets off on the funny email stuff. I'll see if I got any more that aren't obscene, which is mostly what he and his friends trade around.

    #14 with the dang jelly sandwich, that's when it's great to have a dog!

  7. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    I should get your dads' email. I like the obscene ones. That's the downside to these boards, only clean stuff.
  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    but in verse.

    Whether you live in the country or town,
    The toast you drop lands jelly-side down.

    Tired of waiting? No need to fuss.
    Light a cigarette. Here's your bus.

  9. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who the best patients to operate on are.

    The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my
    operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is

    The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
    electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

    The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
    are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
    construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few
    parts left over."

    But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
    observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
    There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."


    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
    >>>had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the
    >>>past 5years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box
    >>>voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an
    >>>effort to determine the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
    >>>before the crash in fatal accidents.
    >>>They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded
    >>>last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh
    >>>Only Louisiana and Alabama were different, where 89.3 percent of
    >>>the final words were:
    >>>"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try something."

    When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my 3 year old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

    A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber say to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."


  10. atiledsner

    atiledsner New Member

    These have just made my night. I have laughed so hard i'm crying. Keep'em coming
  11. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    It got too late and I had to go to bed. But here's some more today. Marcia or anybody else got some more?

    Subject: Inner Peace.....
    > I am passing this on to you because it definitely works.
    > We could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
    > By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too, can >find
    > inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed; "The way to achieve inner peace is >to
    > finish all the things you've started and never finished."
    > So, I looked around my house to see all the things I'd started and
    > hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning, I >finished
    > off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
    > Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder >of my
    > old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos >and a
    > box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
    > _______________________________________________________________________

    This has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard
    of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not
    fired. This is a true phone call from the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
    Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
    currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

    This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect
    Customer Support employee. Now I know why they record these conversations!

    "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
    we nt away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"



    "It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
    TV. Does it have a ittle light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
    where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
    plugged into the wall."

    "Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
    there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


    Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
    find the other cable."

    "Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
    into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
    way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --
    it's because it's dark."


    "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have
    is coming in from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power failure."

    "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
    licked now.
    Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
    computer came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
    just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
    bought it from."
    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too effing stupid to own a computer."

    Guys, keep in mind all this old people stuff is usually thought of to happen to people in their eighties and nineties. But with cfs, these things can happen alot earlier:

    A very elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) very
    >>> >well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in
    >>>his lapel
    >>> >smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well
    >>> >image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar
    >>>is an
    >>> >elderly lady, about mid eighties.
    >>> > The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her,
    >>> >orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me,
    >>>do I
    >>> >come here often?"
    >>> >
    >>> > <><><><><><><>
    >>> > An elderly gentleman had serious hearing
    >>> >problems for a number of years.
    >>> > He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to
    >>> >have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowe d the
    >>>gentleman to
    >>> >hear 100%.
    >>> > The elderly gentleman went back in a month to
    >>> >the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your
    >>> >must be really pleased that you can hear again."
    >>> > The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
    >>> >family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations,
    >>> >and,I've changed my will three times!"
    >>> >
    >>> > <><><><><><><>
    >>> > An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
    >>> >house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into
    >>> >kitchen The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last
    >>>night we
    >>> >went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would
    >>> >it very highly.
    >>> > The other man said, "What is the name of the
    >>> >restaurant?"
    >>> > The first man thought and thought and finally
    >>> >said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you
    >>>love? You
    >>> >know... the one that's red and has thorns."
    >>> > "Do you mean a rose?"
    >>> > "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then
    >>> >turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of
    >>> >restaurant we went to last night?
    >>> >
    >>> > <><><><><><><>
    >>> > Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for
    >>> >patients being discharged.
    >>> > However, while working as a student nurse, I
    >>> >found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the
    >>>bed with
    >>> >a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to
    >>>leave the
    >>> >hospital.
    >>> > After a chat about rules being rules, he
    >>> >reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I
    >>> >him if his wife was meeting him.
    >>> > "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs
    >>> >in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
    >>> > <><><><><><><>
    >>> >
    >>> > A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a
    >>> >new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
    >>>state of the
    >>> >art. It's perfect."
    >>> > "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is
    >>> >it?! "
    >>> > "Twelve thirty"

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were
    >>> playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the
    >>> other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
    >>> replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed
    >>> in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

    A little old lady was running up and down
    >>> the halls in a nursing home.
    >>> As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
    >>> her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to
    >>> an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
    >>> him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a
    >>> moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
    >>> soup."

    80-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at
    >>> the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in
    >>> the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's
    >>> in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An
    >>> elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An
    >>> elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close
    >>> enough."

    As a senior citizen was driving down the
    >>> freeway, his car phone rang.
    >>> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
    >>> warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that
    >>> there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
    >>> Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not
    >>> just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large
    >>> car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As
    >>> they were cruising along, they came to an
    >>> intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just
    >>> went on through.
    >>> The woman in the passenger seat thought to
    >>> herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we
    >>> just
    >>> went through a red light." After a few more minutes,
    >>> they came to another intersection and the light was red
    >>> again.
    >>> Again, they went right through. The woman in
    >>> the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
    >>> had been red but was really concerned that she was
    >>> losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next
    >>> intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
    >>> they went on through. So, she turned to the other
    >>> woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just
    >>> ran through three red lights in a row? You could
    >>> have killed us both!"
    >>> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I
    >>> driving?"

    Political Correctness:

    A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for
    a whale to swallow a human because even
    though it was a very large mammal its throat
    was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
    it was physically impossible.
    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell ?"
    The little girl replied,

    "Then you ask him ".

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
    the kitchen sink.

    She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair
    sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
    "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom ?"
    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you
    do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
    one of my hairs turns white."
    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while
    and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white ?"

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
    persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
    "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you
    are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's
    a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
    A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

    "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

    The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at th e apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
    The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
    Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

    The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

    The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
    The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
    However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
    surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

    Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed
    to be a portion of the steering wheel.

    Epilog ue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.

    A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing underwear made of Saran Wrap and nothing else.

    The psychiatrist says, "Well . . . I can clearly see your nuts."

  12. xchocoholic

    xchocoholic New Member

    My dogs think I have lost my mind ... thanks .. marcia

  13. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
    of his physical exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back

    a semen sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
    gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
    like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.Then I tried
    with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
    tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried
    with her mouth,
    first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with

    both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her
    knees, but still nothing.

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
    The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

    An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Dallas, TX.

    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

    So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

    Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
    Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

    Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

    Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'


    'Nope,' she replies.


    To which Margaret replies...
    'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

    A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
    and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
    realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

    After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
    animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
    clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
    lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around

    But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until
    the man took his arm from around the sheep.

    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
    but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and, low and behold, there was another shipwreck.

    The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

    That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual.
    It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
    gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
    started to get "those feelings" again.

    He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
    leaned over to Hillary, cautiously and whispered in her ear...

    "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

    Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
    > > >
    > > >To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.
    > > >No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
    > > >They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
    > > >time, so they voted to take turns.
    > > >
    > > >The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
    > > >with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
    > > >They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so
    > I
    > > >just sat up and watched him all night."
    > > >
    > > >The next night it was a different deputy's turn.
    > > >In the morning, same thing. Hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
    > > >
    > > >They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
    > > >
    > > >He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
    > > >
    > > >The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
    > player;
    > > >a man's man.
    > > >The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
    > > >"Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it!
    > > >
    > > >They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
    > > >I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up
    > > >watched me all night long."

    If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section .....

    then buy a dog.

    If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you .....

    then buy a dog.

    If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it . . .

    then buy a dog.

    If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want .....

    then buy a dog.

    If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

    then buy a dog.

    If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores .....

    then buy a dog.

    If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually .

    then buy a dog.

    But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness

    then buy a cat!

    Now be honest, you thought it was going to say....then marry a man

    > ______________________________________________________________________

    Frequently working people ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on, wasn't mine! To make matters worse for the poor fellow who owned it the bumper sticker said "Hillary in '08."

    I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.


    [This Message was Edited on 01/27/2007]