Can We Please Be Nice Here

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Mikie, Sep 13, 2006.

  1. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Every now and then, someone will post something which will draw anger and knee-jerk reactions from others. I'm not talking about snake oil salespeople or people posting offensive material. I'm talking about people posting their opinions or some info they found which they thought might be helpful to others. It is against the rules to answer with sarcasm and anger. We can agree to disagree but we really need to treat others with respect.

    When I read something which elicits a strong reaction from me, I find it very helpful to stop to try to figure out why I am reacting this way. Do I have some kind of unresolved issue in that area? If so, it may be time to do some looking inside and analyze just what is going on. Hidden anger issues are unhealthy. Lashing out is a big clue that something deeper is going on inside.

    Unfortunately, in our everyday lives, we are bombarded with rude TV where the one who yells louder and is more meanspirited is the one who feels he or she has "won." It is polarizing and keeps us from the work which needs doing. We certainly don't need that here. We are all in the same boat and need to work together to help one another. When someone presents an idea which is meant to inform or invite debate, let's please keep the debate civil and leave the anger, sarcasm, and the need to be right off the board.

    There are people who have stated that they hesitate to post here because of the bashing they or their ideas receive. Others see that and hesitate as well. If anything, we need more ideas and info. Let's encourage, rather than discourage discourse. We can learn a lot from posts with which we disagree. Bottom line: Please be nice or just don't reply at all. Thank you.

    Love, Mikie
  2. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    We all need to consider each others feelings when we post.

    It is different to just debate without getting emotions involved....but when people start getting snappy, it hurts others.

    This defeats the purpose of this board. Instead of supporting you are hurting someone.

    I admit when I first came on the board, I let my feelings get the best of me, and I would post something I shouldnt have. But I do feel alot better just not replying instead of starting something.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/14/2006]
  3. starla06

    starla06 New Member

    i agree. I have been a member for a number of years but with all the changes that have been going on the last couple years it seems that people are being more unkind than before.

    I always thought this board was for those that needed to ask questions or get a helping hand from a friend. As i read some of these post some are taking opinions personally. Please they are just an ind opinions. I agree if you can not say anything nice do not reply at all. Many on this board deal with enough pain everyday they do not need any more.

  4. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I have done the same thing myself in the past and I now see how destructive it can be. Hidden anger hurts me more than anyone if I am carrying it around inside. The fact that we often don't feel well explains a lot of what goes on but I think when we take a really good look at it and how it affects our board, we realize we need to support others and be civil. Several times, I've seen gurus tell their audiences that we all do the best we can and when we know better, we do better. This is personal growth.

    My biggest problem is when I am in a hurry and my replies can be too much to the point. They aren't mean; they just aren't as friendly as I would like. I need to watch that.

    This board is such a wonderful resource and has been at the root of all my healing, including some spiritual healing, that I hope it continues to help others too. We need to feel safe, in a stress-free environment, here. Thanks again for your support and input.

    Love, Mikie
  5. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Once again, I agree with you, completely. I think that sometimes, people don't re read their posts, and probably don't realize how abrasive they sound. Sometimes what is teasing and lighthearted in person, is hurtful when written, becaue we can't see the sparkle in the eye, or hear the tone of voice.

    Thank you for sharing your insights with us. I think we are truly lucky to have you around.

  6. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    We must have been posting at the same time. Thanks for your input and support too. You make a very good point about our having to deal with so much in our lives. Being treated unkindly here could be the last straw for someone in distress. Conversely, coming here and being treated kindly could turn someone's day around. Thanks again.

    Love, Mikie
  7. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Again, we must have been posting at the same time. I am happily surprised to see so many responding so soon to this post. I think we all want the safety and support of our members at heart. Thanks for your support.

    Love, Mikie
  8. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    Thanks for your post as a reminder of how we should treat everyone, not just those who come here. I think when you are in pain and not feeling well, it is sometimes easy to snap at people or maybe ridicule their ideas.


    P.S. Glad you are feeling better.
  9. srollins

    srollins New Member

    let us not beat a person to death if they don't put enough breaks or whatever in their post/replies.
    it has not been mentioned to me but i have seen people bash others about it to the point i want to scream. one person mentioning it per mistake should be enough, i don't think 4-6 people one right after another is going to do anything but hurt someones feelings. talk about over-kill.

    how many times have i seen remarks about capitals as well. this i have been called on before.

    personally i am more comfortable with capitals(sorry i don't have the skill to type like one is suppose to, but still.if i am saying something nice and supportive then why does it make a difference?

    i am sorry, please don't take me wrong i am a very senstive person and it is not my intent to upset anyone but i just think alot that goes on with these two things are just a bit petty, we all don't have the best of educations.
    we are ill, some more than would seem to me thatwe should all do the best we can and remember that although i might be more comfortable typeing capitals, so and so can't read a post without lots of breaks in the we have to deal with things as they come and go.

    we all also need to lighten up!

  10. AbbeyMae

    AbbeyMae New Member

    I was watching the Public Channel on Sunday. The guest speaker was Dr. Wayne Dyer. I don't know if anyone is familiar with him and his works/books.

    He and the Public Channel were promoting his new book and DVD/video tapes: The Power of Intention.

    The Power of Intention is a book I will be buying. Self improvement is a good thing. Also I, myself need to work on, once again on my stinking thinking. There is alot to be said about the amount of energy being in the Present Thought.

    One of my sayings is, "The person who believes and behaves as they know it all is a person who thinks he is wise. The person who is open and receptive to learning and growing is a wise person".

    I have always believed that dis-eases and disorders are three folded(as it is said in alcoholism and addictions):
    Physical; Emotional; and Spiritual--Body, Mind, and Spirit.

    Also I believe that we all need to remind ourselves that negative begets negative, and positive begets positive.

    I hope I am making sense. Let's all be kind. May we treat others as we would like to be treated.

    Love and Hugs,

  11. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Good post!! I wonder sometimes why people react with such animosity in response to a post that offers information that they disagree with. It is always good advice to look within because lashing out is always harmful.

    There has been mention of recommending that Oprah Winfrey's staff read this board to see how we are suffering with our various illnesses. I must say that it would embarrass me to have others read some posts that are mean and argumentative.

    I have at times found myself replying to a post and when I read over what I have written I just delete it and decide not to post because I realize that my response may not be appropriate.

    Thanks again Mikie. I wish we didn't need these reminders.

  12. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Ellen, you are right; extreme fatigue and/or constant pain can certainly make me cranky. Thanks for the good wishes. I am better but very tired today--the Red Tide is back. I hate that stuff.

    Shirley, I am so sorry if you've been bashed over anything. We always say that spelling and grammar don't count here. Most of us, at one time, we very good at writing but our illnesses can make writing now very challenging. Almost all of us suffer from this, especially when we are run down. When people mention all caps and paragraph breaks, I don't think it is meant to be mean. Many of us cannot read easily on the monitor screen. I cannot read posts in all caps or posts with no paragraph breaks.

    My point is always that I would love to read posts and cannot. It's my problem, not the person's who is posting. I am asking people posting to accommodate my problems so that I don't miss their posts. I think when others chime in, it is just to reassure the person posting that there are many of us with this problem. Your point is well taken, though, and perhaps if we see that someone has already explained this to someone, there is no need for further explanation. Thanks for pointing this out.

    AbbeyMae, I loved that Wayne Dyer presentation. I've seen some of his other presentations on PBS too. He just keeps getting better and better. It was a post regarding the mind/body/spirit which drew some mean comments and I was so shocked. I think a lot of those who were negative misread the intent of the whole post. We do filter info through our experiences and I think it is good, every now and then, to make sure our filters aren't narrowing our minds to the point that we can no longer be open to new info.

    I'm gald the mind/body/spirit connection has helped you. It's been a God send to me. I cannot say what has helped me more, working on my mind and body or working on my spirit. They are not mutually exclusive but work synergystically to help us heal. The results of my spirit work have produced results way beyond what I ever thought were possible.

    Lolalee, thanks for your input. You make a really good point about someone like Opera's reading our board. If we want the world and the media to take us seriously as intelligent people, we really need to be on our best behavior.

    Thanks again, everyone. Your support will help keep this the kind of place we want it to be.

    Love, Mikie

  13. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    People here have been incredibly nice to me and some here have been funny, charming and spirited too. All of this helps.

    From time to time I feel as if someone snapped at me, or was a little unfair,or judged me harshly. But the good here far outweighs the bad.

    There are lurkers too who feel it is their job to patrol the boards just to jump in and be horrid or get posts removed on a minor point, and that is OK too as they won't last long here. They are probably just feeling sore about their lives and needing some sort of voice, even a negative one.

    There is a great deal of difference between someone being funny and amusing (and thank God for those people who make us laugh please continue!) and someone being rudely sarcastic or curt. I also think what would be nice is if at any time we say something that may come across differently, then just reply and explain how it makes you feel and it can be changed.

    I also think that when one has been working hard with a poster for some weeks, then they just drop you,never reciprocate when you need help, that is very hurtful.

    But by and large I think the vast majority here are good folks with big health issues doing their best to roll along.

    I think too, when we post OT, I want to make it clear that is just to get someone's attention and anyone can jump right on in and reply and join threads-the more the merrier.

    Thanks for your sane advice and help.

    Love Anne

  14. MamaDove

    MamaDove New Member

    I agree...

    Although we're in pain and even fogged at times, we are ALL sharing these health problems, some more than others...

    We MUST respect eachother ALL the time...

    If you don't agree with a post, don't respond...No bashing, no ridicule, no not-so-nice comments...

    Most of us have been dealing with these dd's for a loooooooooooooooooooooong time and have gained the ability to have more patience for others and more understanding cause we've been there...We (after 12 years of this, possibility a lifetime, I consider myself 'seasoned') are more apt to look at a post and if not worth the negative energy to respond, we don't, we move on...Doesn't mean we don't care...

    Lately, there are alot of new sufferers with alot of new ideas too...I read, but if I had been there and done that, I move on or give positive or nice negative experiences to try and HELP others...

    Geez, where am I going with all of this????I am trying to make my own point here, just not coming out right, so I'll just close in saying to thank Mikie for bringing this to our attention...

    We all need to play nice(r)...

    Peaceful days ahead~Alicia
  15. Callum

    Callum New Member

    You rule!

    You seem to have found such a balance spiritually; or at least are doing well in your attempt to balance.

    I've been on my own journey, trying to balance the emotional, spiritual, intellectual; and to be open to views that differ greatly from mine. Your posts so often inspire me to continue to strive...

    Some day, I just know that your physical well-being will catch up with your spiritual level (with the positive energy you're sending out, it can't help but happen), and when that happens, I hope to play tennis with you!

  16. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I really appreciate your input. I think we all want this to be a nice place to come. We aren't perfect and we can all have bad days. I just hate to see one person take a swipe at someone or her opinion and then have more join in and gang up. We are all better than that.

    Anne, you make a good point. We do get outsiders who come here to cause problems. You also make a good point about someone you may have cared about not being there when you need support. I doubt that this is intentional. I know that when my relapse made me feel so bad, there were many days when I either wasn't here or only lightly scanned the posts, sometimes not even taking note of the posters' names, just to make sure I didn't miss a post directed to me. You are so supportive that you deserve support when you need it.

    Laura, you are right. The biggest problem we have is that all we see here is the written word. There is no body language, sound, nor facial expression. It is very easy for one's reply to be misunderstood. On the other hand, I have seen replies where there is no question; the responders' anger and sarcasm comes through loud and clear. I'm a tough-skinned old bird but there are people who are hurt by these things. Thing is that those who feel the need to be mean hurt themselves more than they hurt others. As someone said, we can't control everything but we make choices about everything we do. Some choices advance us and some regress us. It's up to us. I do feel some people are so conditioned toward negativity that they just respond automatically. I think that's why it is important when a post upsets us to ask ourselves why. Thanks for your input.

    Alicia, like you, I've responded a lot in the past about the questions which come up so often. We now have a bunch of seasoned members who respond and I often don't have anything to add. Either that or I'm just not feeling up to it. Of course, when I'm feeling better, I'm busy trying to catch up on everything which went undone while I was down and out. It never ends :)

    Nancy, I seldom see threads where people intentionally try to hurt others. From time to time, though, I see people ganging up on someone who is just posting ideas or opinions to anyone who might be interested. This is really what I'm here to talk about. You are a kind and compassionate person and I'm sure that comes through in your posts. I hope others treat you in kind.

    Fight, thanks for the bump.

    Callum, thank you so very much for you kindness. Yes, I am really trying to become more balanced and enlightened. I feel very blessed that people and experiences have come into my life to help me on my spiritual path. I feel like such a novice but I am inspired and know that there is no limit to our growth. I am so glad to hear from you and others here that tending to the spirit is helping. There are a lot of us. Some are on this path but don't feel comfortable talking about it. That's fine too. I wish you well on your own quest.

    Again, everyone, you have shown what extraordinary members we have here. It's so nice to see the positive energy y'all have and the wisdom and kindness are much appreciated.

    Love, Mikie

    [This Message was Edited on 09/14/2006]
  17. Loveyame

    Loveyame New Member

    To one and all!

    If I EVER come across as being rude, hateful or disrespectful to you PLEASE let me know!

    I can be very blunt and down right rude when I think I need to be; but I don't think this is the place where that is needed at anytime.


    Love Ya Me
  18. lilaclover30

    lilaclover30 New Member

    The most important thing to me on this board is helping one another, sometimes making others laugh over the OT's, and being nice to one another.

    IO hope I have never offended someone - Ik try not to. kYes, I have asked for shorte4r paragraphs (thaat is so I can read them easier - my eyes are bad).

    I hope no one ever comments on my spelling or typing. When I am tired,k i just TYPE!

    Mikie, you do so much for all of us and we ,luv you. Thanks for all of your input6 to us.

    I just wish we had spell check LOL

    Love to you Mikie and thanks so much

    Gentle Hugs

  19. FriendonthePath

    FriendonthePath New Member

    Ok now I'm paranoid ;-)

    Could you clarify what prompted this thread? Was it the Principles of Healing thread?
  20. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Really getting a lot of response. I expected that people would read it and go on, maybe a few responses. I am blown away by all the response.

    Please forgive me but I am exhausted today from this Red Tide. In addition to being an allergen (allergies always make me tired) it causes labored breathing and it is a strong neurotoxin. It's almost six here now and I need to get offline and go rest. I would love to respond personally to everyone but where the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak.

    It is obvious to me that everyone who responded is concerned about our members and y'all have no desire to hurt anyone. I am always up for a discussion of the pros and cons of an issue and we've had some spirited discussions here which have shown various points of view. That is fine as long as it doesn't get personal with people lining up on sides and taking swipes at one another. I think we all know when perhaps we should hit the edit or delete button. Sometimes we get so involved in an issue that we need a little time to reflect. Geez, here I am writing "War & Peace." I really gotta go lie down. Thank you all for your valuable input.

    Love, Mikie

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