can you please give advice

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ckk, Oct 2, 2005.

  1. ckk

    ckk New Member

    i know this has nothing to do w/ fibro but i am very upset right now and i could really use some feedback. honest feedback. my husband and i are close friends w/ a couple who have a little girl and my girlfriend just had a baby boy, which she asked me to be the godmother. well, about 2 weeks ago she went into preterm labor and for 2 weeks her 1 yr old stayed w/ me and my family (i have 2 children myself) i also on some days looked after their step children too. he has 2 little ones from a previous marriage.
    so, for 2 weeks i would have 5 children! to feed dinner to, bath, put to bed etc. but, i am their friend and that's what friends do. anyway, she delivered a healthy baby, and we went over to see him. my girlfriend was acting very weird towards me. she only let me hold him once, then she barely talked to me and i have never felt sooooo uncomfortable in anyones home in my life! i also made dinner for them that night! anyway, i barely said goodbye and i havent spoken to her since, i have a lot on my plate right now and i have been very sad over family things and she knows this, but she never asked me how i was doing.
    she has not called to apologize and my husband spoke to her husband and he said oh is ckk upset because my wife didnt talk to her? so she admitted that she didnt talk to me that night but she never said why!
    is this making any sense at all guys? i hope so. i just dont understand it seems the more i do for my friends the more i get on. can somebody tell me why that is? and can somebody please give me advice on what to do? it is really bothering me. i am so upset i dont know what to do.
    my husband said just call her, i said no way!!!!! what do you guys think? i would appreciate it if you could give me some advice. thank you.
    ckk
  2. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    run lately, the only way to peace and understanding is talk. If she is such a good friend she will be at least open to telling you what the problem is. I have a friend that I love dearly but in 25 years there have been several times she's decided in her own mind that I had done something to or against her that I had NOT. I WANTED to talk it out but she never would until she would finally decide she was wrong. It went a whole year twice. But I'm her truest friend so I waited and never stopped trying. Now we have an agreement to talk things out no matter what. Call her.
  3. ckk

    ckk New Member

    ok guys, i asked you for your honest opinion and i meant it. now, can you explain to me why I have to call her when i did nothing wrong and i was the one that was hurt? and she was the one that did the hurting? like i said, i appreciated it that you are honest and i would like it if you could do the same for this question. thank you so much for this guys you have no idea how much you are helping. i am so sad right now. i try so hard to give my friendships 120% but for whatever reason people always walk all over me. anyway, thanks again.
    ckk
  4. elsa

    elsa New Member

    I know it's hard and it's the friend who should be calling and apologizing, but you are the one who is suffering.

    If you don't call her I think this will continue to eat away at you.

    I would keep it to 1 or 2 sentences asking what is on her mind. If she says "nothing" ( like we females are apt to say), then follow with "help me to understand your distance the other night. It is important to me to keep it from happening again in the future".

    If she still doesn't tell you ... then say how sorry you are that this strain has developed between you and that you feel you have done all you could. That puts it firmly on her shoulders.

    Elsa
  5. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    It is probably something hormonal. Mood swings aren't abnormal for a woman after she has a baby.

    I remember when I had my first baby, and I didn't want my mother to help me. I had dreams and feelings like she was trying to take away my baby! Oh my! Totally hormonal.

    I'd make the first step and go visit her and just let her know that you felt uncomfortable that first day and wondered if anything in particular were bothering her. If she tells you fine. If not, just forgive and forget, chalking it up to crazy hormones.

    L, Jeannette
  6. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    this world is better for our spirits,
    health, mental wellbeing and our lives in general. Because losing a friend over something to which you are unaware is a pure shame. Because forgiving is better than holding grudges. Because if she won't talk to you at least you'll know you tried and can feel good about it. And because a friend is worth gold and not something to take lightly or give up on easily. We all need all the friends we can find and maybe someday some one will forgive you when you have a bad day or just even accidentally hurt a friend. I could go on and on but I won't.

    It is of course up to you, it's just
    what I'd do.
  7. kathleen1437

    kathleen1437 New Member

    My heart goes out to you ,you must be very hurt and confused,seems you are a great friend. On that note i would take the bull by the horns and either call her or visit. Take a deep breath and ask her straight out what is wrong,tell her how you feel. She needs to be honest with you to what is troubling her . Asking her for an explanation is not you apologizing ,its just going to give you some answers. I would say if you leave it the gap between you may widen and you friendship may be totally destroyed .You are a great friend and I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot you would want het to ask. What have you got to lose !!!!!!!!
    hugs kathleen
  8. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    I agree with Doxy 100%. You shouldn't have to call her. As far as you know you didn't do anything wrong. She even acknowledged that she ignored you so she knows she was rude. I would write her a nice letter telling her that you were worried about her and just wanted to make sure everything is okay and ask why she ignored you. This leaves the ball in her court and if she doesn't write back at least you didn't get rejected on the phone or in person again. I know you are torn and curious as to why she acted like this. It could be that she was depressed or feeling ill.

    If she doesn't call or write back get your husband to ask her husband what happened and why she is upset just to help you understand and have closure. A woman would have gotten to the middle of it when her husband said, "Oh is CKK upset because my wife didn't talk to her?"

    A lady would have asked "Well why didn't she talk to her?" Men just aren't nosy like us. They don't get all the information. LOL!

    I hope you find out what happened and why she acted this way. Please let us know. It sounds like you are good friends. I hope your friendship gets back on track.
  9. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    then maybe you are doing something wrong. I don't know what. Maybe a professional could help.

    My mother always thought she was being helpful and generous, but the rest of us thought she was criticizing and nagging and butting in.
  10. ckk

    ckk New Member

    i want to thank everyone for all of your input! i will take what everybody said into consideration. i just want to make one thing clear w/ i believe it was "rocgor"? you said something about me maybe doing things and her not wanting me to do them for her? or something like that? again, i value everyones opinions, i just want to make it clear that she asked ME to watch the kids. do you actually think i would choose to watch 5 children aging from 1 to 13 on school days? for 2 weeks? have you ever tried that? ok, i know some people have 5 children but i only have 2 so i am not used to doing that, and may i add, god bless the people that do that every day!!!!!! i am just saying, i dont jump in unless i am asked, i have my own family and they come first. so that was really the last thing i wanted to do, but i didnt want any added stress on her because that may have caused her baby to come faster and that couldnt have happened. it was too soon. anyway, thank you again everyone, i will have to sit back and try to figure out what i should do, because the main reason i feel this happens is i dont "do" conflict and i always back out and cant stand up and face the situation. whether i should or shouldnt. so, that's why i thought, if i hear one certain thing over and over from all of you than i have no choice but to do it.
    you guys are really great people you know that? i asked for your advice and you came thru for me thank you. have a great day.
    ckk
  11. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    She might have changed her mind about you being Godmother.She may not know how to tell you and might be using the not talking to you as an out .Making you think you did something wrong.Just a thought.

    Also maybe you said something in front of her children about how much work it is with all those children.Maybe they told her you were complaining and it upset her.

    Just a few thoughts. But I myself would call or send a letter.

    Good Luck Hope all works out.
    Sue
  12. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    After my grandson was born, his mom had to go to a training class that lasted a week. The class was in a town that is 200 miles from her home. I was asked to go to her house and help my son with the new baby. He was just 3 weeks old, and I know how difficult it is to leave a new, first born baby.

    Needless to say, when my daughter-in-law called or we called her, she was very cool to me. The day she was due home, I cleaned her house and washed all of the dirty clothes.

    When she came in, it was obvious that she was livid, but I couldn't figure out why. I returned home, puzzled, but determined to get to the bottom of the problem.

    So the next day I called my son and asked him what in the world I did to upset his wife. It's very simple, he said. She didn't want to admit that someone besides her could look after her baby and clean her house without having any problems.

    I guess she expected to be called several times a day and asked advice as to how to look after the baby and asked if it was OK to clean the house.

    My son - tactless person that he can be - told her to suck it up and be thankful that her baby was properly cared for. Moreover, he reminded her that she had recently asked him if they could get someone to come in once a week and clean the house/do the laundry, etc.

    I suspect new mom hormones also played a big role in her actions.

    Your girlfriend's kids probably went home and talked about how much fun they had at your house, and I'm sure she's heard, "well, Mrs. ckk let us do that," a thousand times.

    I'd give her some time to get her routine established and her strength back and I'll bet she'll be her old self again.

    I don't know whether or not I'd call her right now. That will be something that you should decide (not your husband), but I'd take more time to think about it before I did anything. My mom always said, "When in doubt, do nothing for at least 3 days. Three days gives everyone time to settle down."

    I agree that a letter might be in order, but I'd write and tell her how much you enjoyed keeping her children, but that you KNOW that you can't do as good as SHE does with them. You might also say that the kids missed her so much and while they didn't say so, you could tell that they wanted to be with their mom. I would pretend that I had not noticed that anything was wrong - you just figured she was getting settled into her new routine.
    abbylee
    [This Message was Edited on 10/03/2005]