Can't Understand This Man!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Frackie11382, Sep 18, 2003.

  1. Frackie11382

    Frackie11382 New Member

    Hey everyone,

    I can't understand my boyfriend at all. He says he understands when I'm in pain, and cares when I feel bad, but he says some of the most hurtful things to me at those times. Tonight we went shopping. Well, b/c of Hurricane Isabel the barometric pressure dropped so quick. I ended up in a flare in the middle of Wal-Mart. I stuck it out, but was limping (cuz my leg and foot were the worst)and leaning on the buggy for support. He had the nerve to "teasingly" say I was being lazy...and he called me Hop-Along. I stuck it out and made it to the register. When I wasn't helping to put the bags in the buggy, he said "so, u're just gonna stand there?" I told him "don't start." On the way to the truck, I nearly got soaked b/c he's tall and was the one holding the umbrella. Plus he was walking really fast and had a hold of the buggy. When we got to the truck, he put a case of pop and a gallon of milk at my feet even though he knew I was gonna have to get out then back in again in a minute. So, I said "Sure make my life difficult" He started mumbling something about being picky or something, so I said, "i'm just teasing." That's when he got pissed or something and says, "Sure, you can pick, but I'm not allowed. Cuz you're a bitch!" My jaw dropped. He has NEVER talked to me like that before--not even jokingly! When he got in the truck, he said it was "just too perfect" b/c I set myself up for that one. He was laughing, but I didn't think it was funny. Then he was saying that he was just teasing me in the store and i shouldn't worry about it. I was staring out the window, and I said, "But you called me lazy!" And he goes, "I understand why you weren't helping, but you were in my way where you were standing." Finally I said, "You didn't have to say that...you could have just asked me to move." He didn't say another word, but when we got home and put everything away and watched Charmed (taped)we went to bed. In bed he started to massage my legs. I think he felt guilty about tonight. But I just cna't understand it. If he loves me and says he's supportive of me and the FM/CFS, but he says such hurtful things when I don't feel well. Why does he do this??

    A Very Tearful Friend in Fibro,

    ~~Tara~~
  2. ja1grump

    ja1grump New Member

    Tara I am sorry he done that to you. I don't know why men act that way. My X (notice I said X) husband was that way. He would say what he was really thinking and then try to pass it off as a joke. He was verbally abusive to me for 8 years. The sicker I got the worse he got. He would do little things to make my life hell. For example, I always sleep with a fan on low - low because if it was on high it made me ache, well he would get up for work and as he was leaving he would turn the fan on high- I would wake up and not be able to use my arms. I know some men say things they don't mean because they don't know how to handle the sickness. You just have to decide if he was really jokeing- if he was it wasn't funny and you need to let him know how it made you feel - when your calm not when your angry. I hope you feel better soon.
    Julie
  3. Valentina

    Valentina New Member

    Hi Tara!

    It is often very hard for a significant other to even imagine what their partner is going through with FMS/CFS, but that is no excuse for being abusive. I'm sure your boyfriend is dealing with a lot emotionally regarding your condition. He probably feels helpless and maybe that scares him - most men want to "fix" things and not being able to can be really painful for them to accept. I'm just speculating here (obviously I don't know you or your boyfriend), but he might be going through something like this.

    Still, whatever he's going through is no excuse for treating you badly. Making "jokes" about a disabled person's condition that upsets and hurts them is in NO WAY funny. He needs to be there for you in a positive way. Life is hard enough for people with our conditions! He needs to wake up!I would take him aside at an appropriate time and ask him to listen to how you feel. Then I would let him know how badly he's hurting you and how hard it is for you to be dealing with what is happening to you physically and emotionally. I would tell him that you need his love and support, not his anger and nastiness. I would also tell him how much you appreciate him and that you do realize that this is very hard for him as well. There are support groups for signficant others and spouses of people with FMS/CFS - you might look for one in your area. He probably needs support from other people who are in his situation - we all do!

    If it's a financial possibility, you might also consider going to couple's counseling with him. If I could afford it, I would definitely do that with my boyfriend - even if someone is extremely supportive and understanding, it can be a valuable tool for helping a relationship through something quite devastating. FMS/CFS doesn't come with a relationship manual (unfortunately), but there are people out there who can help.

    No matter what, he doesn't have the right to make you feel guilty about being sick - and you shouldn't put up with that type of verbal and emotional abuse. If you can't get through to him, you might have to eliminate him from your life = toxic people are the last thing someone with FMS/CFS needs.

    I really wish you luck, and just remember that we're here for you!

    Please take care of yourself,

    Valentina
  4. libra55

    libra55 New Member

    Please think carefully about what the rest of your life will be like with this man. Fibro cycles through good and bad periods and as most of us here on this board will testify it's chronic and pretty much a life long condition. A caring patient partner is essential. I know this because I don't have one. My husband of almost 18 yrs was verbally abusive even before I had fibro. I should have left him years ago. Now with fibro my life with him is just plain h***. I'm not able to work right now, due to the dd, kids, and his weird work schedule which no one can plan around (I think he does it on purpose to keep me trapped).

    Honey, if you can cut your losses and move on, away from this guy, do it and do it soon. Don't be like some of us on this board that are basically trapped and frustrated. If you go through these archives you will read many posts from us, we all have different names and live in different cities but we are all the same woman and we all wish we had got out sooner. Muster whatever resources are available to you and go for it.

    Everyone deserves respect in their life and so do you.

    Peace and blessings,
    Michelle
  5. NanceZ

    NanceZ New Member

    Please try to talk with him about his fear when you are in such pain...and help him put that into words rather than let it slip out in other and much more negative ways.

    I'm sorry it is so miserable and painful and pray he will learn to support you truly.
  6. kimkane

    kimkane New Member

    Yes men can and are at times very cruel and insenitive to everything we go thru on a day to day basis. I am not making excuses for him by any means, in fact he got me mad as he__!!
    My man is great....but... one time after a few beers he let loose on me. He said things like "your just lazy, get a job, you cost to much money, your not sick its all in your head" I was ans still am very hurt by this. You would think he would be so understanding because his sister died of M.S.
    i ccut my own hair, wear garage sale clothes, do not have any bills to speak of. We go nowhere, except to buy food, and part of that is paid for with my food stamps!! He spends more money on all the cats he has, $100.00 every 2 weeks. I do not ask him for anything, well maybe rootbeeer.

    I TEND TO WONDER WOULD THESE GUYS SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO US IF WE, HAD SOMETHING THAT THEY COULD SEE?? LIKE 2 BROKEN LEGS,,,OR HAD TO WEAR BRACES ON OUR ARMS AND LEGS. NO WAY!
    THEY NEED TO GET A GRIP, IT COULD BE THEM NEXT.
    Stay strong and do not take any crap, i refuse to. I worked very hard to get rid of all the toxic things and people out of my world. I would rather be by myself than allow toxins in my life again.
    take hun kimk
  7. gravitychallenged

    gravitychallenged New Member

    I am so sorry that you had to be the brunt of your bf's inability to deal with your illness. I also have had to deal with mu husband's insensitivity at times. Like some of the other posters, when my flares are at their worst, he has the hardest time dealing with it and he can become very insensitive.

    I would suggest you make a list of the pros and cons in your relationship. And it is very important to be real honest with yourself here. IF the cons outeigh the pros, it is time to think about moving on. It is too late for me. But you may be better off on your own right now. You sure don't need to spend the rest of your life trying to figure out if the person you love is joking or not.

    You deserve the very best that life has to offer you. And it is up to you to go out there and find it. Whether that means working out your current relationship, living by yourself or finding someone who truly understands and supports you. Good luck and take care of yourself.

    M-
  8. opalgem

    opalgem New Member

    Is he loving and caring most of the time? Sometimes we are so caught up in our own pain and illness that we forget our Spouses or SO can also have bad days. I know that the times I am truely sensitive (most of the time)the littlest thing said can make me cry even if said in a jokingly way. It sounds like he was sorry and trying to make up for his harsh words. Maybe he had a hard day and was a little worn himself. When we are feeling really bad it's a little harder to understand someone elses pain and fatique. I've read numerous threads on how we snap at family and friends because we are hurting so bad. Were always sorry afterwards and expect them to understand and forgive. Please give him a chance. He sounds like he cares about you when it comes right down to it. Maybe explain that his words hurt you and to please be open about his own discomforts so you can be aware he is human too. I hope you understand what I am saying because my words are goofy this morning. Anyway, don't give up on him yet. He's not abusive from what I can tell from your post. He's just a man.
  9. Frackie11382

    Frackie11382 New Member

    Reading all of your replies, I got teary-eyed once again. I am glad that I have all of you to support me. And my S.O. really does care. I talked to him the next evening (after talking to my best friend of course) about it and told him how it made me feel. When I mentioned that I thought he called me a bitch, he said "I would never say something like that to you...I love you too much. I think I said 'Maybe I did it just to hear you bitch'." Anyways, he does know how bad it hurt me with him saying those things...even if he didn't directly call me the "B-word" he did in a round-about way. And that still hurt. I even explained why the "lazy" and "hop-along" comments bothered me so much. He said he would try to be better about it, and so far he has...I hope it lasts. I would hate to lose him over something so stupid, especially when he's overall really supportive. I mean, I got cut down to 18-20 hours a week at my new job and from over $200/week to just about $100/week pay. He's supporting me financially as much as possible right now. And supporting my decision to go to tech school to be a med. transcritionist to get a good job then go back to college. Again, I want to thank all of you.

    Friends in Fibro,

    ~~Tara~~
  10. jrsinc

    jrsinc New Member

    I think it's great your boyfriend is helping you to better yourself workwize and being supportive in this case. However, based on what you've said, he appears to be totally unsupportive of your physical condition. Even though you've posted you and he talked about this insensitivity, trust me, this will not change in the long haul.

    Sometimes we look for "security" in a relationship rather than finding a "nuturing" relationship (your sole mate). Others have suggested you re-think this relationship and I totally agree.

    Don't let others tell you how you feel or make fun of you......

    I found my "sole mate" 20 years ago after dumping 2 other hubbies.....

  11. ckahele

    ckahele New Member

    sometimes people do have 'a bad day'. you will have to watch and see if this is a pattern though. fool me once shame on you--fool me twice shame on me.
    a may be abusive or he may be immature and takes his bad moods/days out on you.
    either way..you deserve better.
    getting treated badly 'once in a while' can escalate to 'more and more' and eventually 'most of the time'.
    so abusive or immature..just be careful hon...
  12. sofy

    sofy New Member

    Words say one thing but deeds speak louder. I dont know if he is just a giant jerk or has a flippant manner. I would tell him clearly, and unemotionally that the lack of kindness is unacceptable behavior to any living thing and towards you it screams volums. Ask him if what he is screaming is what he means to convey.

    Accepting unkind treatment repeatedly will diminish your sense of self and undermine you health. The mind body connection is for real.

    You could carry a cane and whenever he is unkind stab him with it and say ditto. That should get his attention
  13. carole128

    carole128 New Member

    Hi Tara
    Thank God he is still only your boyfriend! You have time to find out whether this is a pattern with him. The next time you are in a flare observe his behaviour and listen carefully to his words. Another test is to see how he treats you in company and if he makes hurtful remarks which hurt you and make other people feel uncomfortable. If he does it will only get worse. You said that was the first time he called you lazy and a bitch, if he calls you that again you will know that it's a downward slide. I think you will have to weigh up the pros and cons of your relationship when you are still free to do so.
    Love and light. Carole
  14. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Honey, when you said that you didn't understand your boyfriend, you used a very important word-"boyfriend". The man you described acted like a boy, not a man. He certainly didn't act like a friend, either. How dare he speak to you that way! I used to be in an abusive relationship with a friend. It took me over three years to let go, after we broke up, and still, I feel the hurt. Please, don't allow anyone to be mean to you. You deserve better. I will say a little prayer for you, to give you strength to make the decisions that will benefit you. Lots of big hugs. Terry
  15. BILLCAMO

    BILLCAMO New Member

    THE "PEEKY WORM"..... ICON..... TARA..... AS A MAN THAT WANDERS IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD..... MY OPINION IS THAT NO ONE CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND THESE DD'S UNLESS THEY ARE/HAVE ACTUALLY EXPERIENCED THEM.... YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AS TO IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU.... I KNOW MY EMOTIONS ARE CLOSER TO THE SURFACE NOW THAN THEY USED TO BE... & SOMETIMES I HEAR THINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN THEY WERE ACTUALLY SAID...... & SOMETIMES PEOPLE TRY TO "STROKE" MY MEMORY TO WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE..... YOU HAVE TO TRUST YOUR OWN INSTINCTS & FILTER YOUR OWN MEMORY.... IF YOU FEEL HE REALLY LOVES YOU , JUST REMEMBER THAT HE HAS HIS OWN FRUSTRATIONS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON...... ,MAYBE I SHOULD PUT MY "SHIELDS UP" WITH THESE COMMENTS..... BUT I WON'T...BEST WISHES , TAKE CARE , & BLESSINGS !!!!! BILLCAMO.