care giver needs someone,,,,

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by igiveup, Oct 24, 2003.

  1. igiveup

    igiveup New Member

    Hello I am new here and this is my first post ,,, I am 60 and the only care giver to my 87 yr old mother ,,I have been doing this since nov. of 1990 she does not drive and I drive her to her needs of drs and food shopping ,, etc ,, I do her banking and I fix her messed up remote , messed up vcr , I do help with light house work ,
    I feel lately that I resent her and I don't want to do for her , don't want to hear her talk to me ,, just don't !!! I go to her place and I feel like I can't breath, so I do what I have to do and leave ,,, but she has no one else ,, we live in a duplex so its not like I have to leave my house to go to her ,,,
    mother is a person that talks about everyone and she is the one thats always right and knows it all , so of course she has no friends ,, even her family of 7 siblings keep their distance ,,

    Also my husband has some short term memory loss from an aneurysm ,, this happened in jan of 1991 ,, he can be a hand full too ,,, so I would like to email with someone that has the same daily life as I do ,,, thanks
  2. Raeb

    Raeb New Member

    I have a similar situation to yours and I can empathize with what you are going through. My mother is 62, mentally ill, and has been ill since I was a young child. I am now 41. I am the only girl (I have 3 brothers who all live out of state). Mom lives about 2 miles away, but doesn't drive and needs help with shopping, laundry, appointments, etc. She also calls me up to 10 times a day. I have an incredibly busy job and family life and there are days when having to deal with her issues just wears me out. I have also been dealing with some type of illness since January of this year (possibly CFIDS).

    I want you to know that you are not alone. I also deal with feelings of resentment, and then feel guilty since I am a Christian. My faith, though, is really the glue that holds me together when I feel like throwing in the towel.

    I do know you have to give yourself credit! Look at all you do for your mom. You also have a double whammy in having to deal with your husband's issues. I admire you....

    Resentment can be much stronger when you are denying your own needs and not taking care of who you are. You can do this in so many little ways. Also, I would like to share with you something I wrote 3 years ago for myself as we can lose ourselves in the process of all we do. This won't apply directly to your situation, but as you read it, you could replace the sentences that don't apply with your own.

    Please don't give up, just find ways to take care of yourself in the situation you are in. I know it isn't easy.


    Here's that message.

    Title: Did You Forget Someone Today?

    Did you forget someone today?
    Slow down and think about it for a minute and
    you'll know who I'm talking about.
    You overlooked her and didn't give her a second thought.
    You just kept going and completely ignored her.

    Maybe it's because you have a hard time catching up to
    her, but please take some time out today to find her.
    She needs you more than you know.

    You may find her behind a desk under a pile of
    reports, in the classroom teaching or in the
    board room conducting a meeting .
    If you don't find her there, she could be at
    the grocery store, in the laundry room folding clothes,
    or on the phone cheering up a friend or her mother.

    Do you realize all of the roles she plays?
    She is a wife, mother, daughter, sister,
    cousin, aunt, employee, co-worker, volunteer,
    manager, teacher, caretaker and friend.
    She finds the time for so many people,
    but you never take time to spend with her.

    Can't you see how much she needs you?
    She needs your smile and a word or two of encouragement.
    Take the time today to really get to know her.
    You won't regret it.

    From what I told you, you must know how special she is.
    You don't really need to go very far to find her.
    Look within yourself.
    She needs you; she needs your love.

    She is you.

    [This Message was Edited on 10/26/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 10/26/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 10/26/2003]
  3. worried725

    worried725 New Member

    Hi igiveup,

    Your life seems so much like mine. I to care for a mother-in-law, but she is in a nursing home now. I still do all the running around for her as she loves junk food that I take to her. I spend alot of time visiting her. She is very lucky because she has 4 relatives that work there and check on her. Of course she says they never visit, but I know they do they just can't stay very long because they have work to do. She is not a very likable person. Never was happy no matter how hard you tried to please her. None of her kids care about her including my husband. They had a rough life with her and she can't understand why they don't visit. But if you heard her story she tells everyone the problem is she loved them too much. I do feel sorry for her because she is 85 yrs old now and I do believe she really thinks she was a good mother. It was probably the way she was raised. Now to my husband he has parkinson and I think dementia. I am going out of my mind with him. I had to take over finances because he had started to bounce checks, something he never did before. He has always took care of paying the bills. I never knew how much we had. We are both retired and receive a pension. I had inherited money from my mom and a uncle and found out that all of the money is gone. You see I don't know how long he has had dementia. He has always been a hard person to live with. Always the boss. He is also a big man. I am trying so hard to keep him from putting us under but it is so hard to make him understand. I do have childen, one close by who trys to help. But my husband is very demanding of him and his wife told me he has come home in tears because he is so verbally abusive. I've begged for the doctors to help me but they don't seem to be able to get him under control. Outside people would not know anything was wrong by just talking to him. I have no one to talk to. I am 63 yrs. and have RA which is flaring up under stress and is very painful. I'm going to the doctors today. They can't seem to get it to go into remission. If I didn't believe in God I know I would take my life. I think about it alot.
  4. igiveup

    igiveup New Member

    Hello so glad you wrote ,, I guess we are in the same boat , as they say ,, there are days that I just want to crawl in a corner and just die ,, but I can't die ,, I hear in heaven they don't have computers , and I'm addicted to it ,
    Not long ago I started a small msn group we are only 10 but some post a message just now and then , some not at all after being accepted into my group , I have this lady in the group that her husband has brain injury too from a truck accident ,, I met her in another group , we just go in the group and exchange hello's , hows our weather , what are you doing today and we all know life isn't so good some times , we try to keep one anothers double chins up ,, the lady with the husband with the head injury emails me when she has problems and steam to let off , and I email her , I hope you email me again , everyone needs someone ,, and I promise to be here for you ,, and don't kill yourself ,, its not worth it ,, you are in enough pain now , and if you dont kill yourself right your going to have more pain ,, and maybe they will have to put you in the nursing home can you imagine sharing a room with your mother inlaw ,,, please write to me again ,,, Pris ,,,,,, from Maine ,,,,,
  5. worried725

    worried725 New Member

    Thank you igiveup. I haven't laughed in so long, it felt good. That remark about being my mother-in-laws room mate was a good one. I sure will remember that and take care of myself. I went to the doctor and got a shot for my RA. I hope it works. My husband was suppose to go too but refused. I really let it all out about how bad he is to the doctor. I found out that they did get to see what I was talking about. They said he came in a couple of weeks ago and was very verbal abuseive to the girls that work there. I didn't know about this. So now they believe me. They gave me some new medicine to put him on to calm him down. I have to lie and tell him it's for muscle ache or he won't take it. Sure hope it works. I forgot to ask how long before it takes effect. It sure is giving me some hope that things will get better. When you talked about all the things you have to do for your mother, it was a repeat of what I had to do for my MIL when she lived in her apartment. I was her only caregiver and it was so hard. The doctor was the one who said she had to go into the nursing home. She was falling alot and could not be left alone. She was in the hospital recovering from fall when he told her. She said well put me in a nursing home and he did that day. He did it so fast that she didn't have time to think about what she had said. I'm so glad I didn't have to be the one to make that decision. You said your husband had memory loss from an aneurysm. Did it burst, because thats what my mother died from. May tomorrow be a better day for both of us. Thank you so much for talking to me.
  6. igiveup

    igiveup New Member

    worried could you please email me I have a lady that would like to meet with you ,, her husband has troubles too
  7. worried725

    worried725 New Member

    I have been away from the the computer for a while and just noticed that you want me to e-mail you. I don't have your e-mail address. If the person who would like to get in touch with me wants to she can e-mail me at nubin6@hotmail.com. I hope I don't delete her because she will go into my junk mail. I do try to scan my junk mail but I don't open them unless I know who it is. I would love to talk to someone who has the same problem I do. I am having trouble typing because my wrist is hurting from RA. Doctor gave me a shot but it didn't help. My husband is getting more out of control and I don't know what to do. It would be nice to know someone who is having problems like I am. Maybe we can help or least support each other. Just have her put you name (igiveup) in the subject and I will catch it. Thank you so much for trying to help me. It really means alot to me.
  8. Strsd

    Strsd New Member

    I understand exactly how you feel. Nothing is ever her fault. The remote is broken, the tv doesn't work, the phone is no good. She calls me at midnight or later sometimes to turn off the tv. I've labeled everything but still have to pull dirty clothes out of the garbage, garbage out of the dirty clothes. She has incontinence sometimes and won't wear depends. Is it the same for you? Do you feel older every day and like you won't ever feel happy again? My first grandchild is due in 8 1/2 months and I'm not sure I'll get a chance to enjoy it. Have you thought of assisted living for you mother? I have been looking into it cause I have a new husband of 3 years and the baby on the way and I really want to enjoy some of the rest of my life. I figure if I'm going to feel guilty for getting upset with her, I might as well trade that for guilt for putting her in assisted living. She might even like it especially since she doesn't seem to like me much anymore. We used to be real close and I miss her but I don't ever think it will be like that again. Feel free to vent, mourn, whatever will help you feel better. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one that is overwhelmed by this situation.
  9. joyfh

    joyfh New Member

    I would love to join your room...how can I get a hold of you? I can't put my e-mail here...JOY
  10. lilaclover30

    lilaclover30 New Member

    I know----- My hubby had a heart attack at 47 ---he is now 84. I babied him and did all the difficult things. Then he had a leg amputed - that was a long time with him in a wheel chair - I was so much younger. Then in the hospital 3 more times for heart and finally by-pass surgery. More taking care of. Odds and ends ot times he was hospitalized for all of the next years. Then I developed Fm. That didn't please hubby or 3 married children. I needed a knee replacement but, no, hubby needed to have someone home at nights.

    He was ill most of last year and finally in Sept. he was put in a nursing home 3 mi. away. I go there EVERY day- sometimes I am, so tired, like today, I think that I CAN'T DO IT. bUT I do.

    I have spent sooo0o0 many days just being a caregiver. I don't mind but I do so wish that someone would care about me. Kids don't seem to think about my problems too much but are so good to me and him. They all live at least 2 hr + away from me.

    I love them all dearly but-----please, i NEED SOMEONE. My friends, I am 78, seem to have all left me because of Fm. I have spent all of my years begng active in our church. Now, I am just an ancient one that fills a spot in a pew every Sunday.

    My special phrase seems to be "I'm sorry!"

    Excuse me for venting - this has been a bad day with my coffee friends.

    Gentle Hugs to all,

    Lilaclover
  11. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I am not a caregiver, almost became one, but have talked to many who are caregivers. I wish back then they had the local caregivers groups that they have now so you could have joined and learned the real scoup from other caregivers. Especially that you MUST incorporate time for yourself (it is not selfish) otherwise you burn yourself out. That there are agencies to get resources for help to fill in for you to give you free time to yourself. Even asking the kids that are several hours away to come for a weekend maybe once every two months and take over for you. A caregiver sacrifices so much already, that they need help from family and agencies. I'm sorry you went through all of it without any help.

    I really want to beg you to consider reducing your your nursing home visits to maybe 3 ore 4 days a week and give yourself the other days during the week to yourself--it is not selfish and YOUR HEALTH is now just as important as your husband's. Plus, it will force your husband into becoming more active in the nursing home where he is and many of the nursing homes do have activities for the residents.

    Can you get to a local senior center and try to join some of the support groups there (some have groups for discussing current events, others have depression groups, some have groups for people who are now single and how to deal with it (sounds like one for you) and perhaps join some of the groups that play card games--it's a great way to meet people and get yourself out of the house and do something for you.

    I so want you to put yourself first for a change because no one else will. You are so worthwhile and a wonderful lady. Please start doing wonderful things for yourself as you have life to live now and I want you to also have a life outside of that nursing home. Many hugs!!!
  12. jsmarie

    jsmarie Member

    Hello,
    I'm glad that this board is here. It helped tonight. My mom needs care, more than I can give and my dad needs help too. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and down...

    Best wishes to all of you and your love ones.