Caregiver to my Mom - moved from caregiver board

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by Posey, Oct 20, 2004.

  1. Posey

    Posey New Member

    I have an unusual situation and don't know what to do.

    My Mom is 72 and lives across the drive in our mobile home park. She is diagnosed with mild dementia and is forgetful.

    My stepdad is in jail for something we know he didn't do but didn't have $25,0000 for an attorney and had to have a public defender. He got what he paid for==NOTHING. And he got 4 years in prison. He's been gone 2 years.

    My brother and stepbrother live in the park also and when this started, there was suppose to plenty of help. Last year when the doctor suspected Mom had Alzheimer's the help has dwindled away over the year.

    I am the oldest and the only daughter so it is expected that I take of Mom. I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis and can barely take care of my husband and myself but Mom doesn't accept that because it is too inconvenient for her if I'm sick. I don't work and am on disability because of the fibro.

    The really big problem started in the past 3 months. She has been very angry and upset with my brother and I because we can't always do the things she wants done or it's not soon enough. My brother works 6-7 days a week.

    Mom has become more and more hateful and sometimes "mean". When I took her to the doctor last time she told him we weren't taking care of her. I check to make sure she's OK every day. Even if I don't call her, I know when her lights are on, if she's up moving around, I've cancelled my doctor appts. so I could run her around, cancelled my lunches with my best friend to take her places, (these lunches are my relief and therapy from stress), we have let her live in the park without paying lot rent because she can't afford it, etc. We also give her extra money for food, sometimes pay for her medicine, and have helped her with bills she gets behind in.

    I don't know what to do! I haven't been able to clean my house and I haven't been able to work in the yard all summer because everytime I plan something, someone wants something else.

    Now she's making my stepdad believe we aren't taking care of her, she's telling my kids that she never wanted them around when they were little, she has alienated almost everyone from her, and when I talk to her I don't know whether I can believe her because she says one thing to my face and something else to other people. I am afraid what she has been telling people at church.

    When I tried to talk to her she pulled the stunt that she took care of my brother and me for the first 15-20 years of our lives and she can't believe we don't help her more. I believe that when a woman has kids she accepts the responsibility for them until they are 18 - not that they were born to take care of their parents when they got old. She also told me she wanted to move to town where she is closer to everything. She can't afford to move and she has 3 cats that she wouldn't have anywhere to go with.

    She told my daughter she only said that because she was mad. What she wanted was for me to beg her to stay.

    I've come to realize in the past few years that she has done this stuff to me all of my life and is just getting worse. She is bitter and angry and taking it out on everyone. I don't know if the dementia has anything to do with it or not but she has me so upset ALL the time that I've had tension and/or migraine headaches every day for the past 2 months. I just feel the need to run away from home all the time to get away from her and from the fact I can't get my work done. Of course that doesn't help get my work done so it's a vicious cycle.

    My grandma had Alzheimer's but she never got hateful - only forgetful and wandered.

    I am at my wits end and actually feel like if I don't get some relief soon, it could kill me - NO DRAMA INTENDED!

    There's so much more but this has gotten so long already and I just needed to VENT and ask if anyone has these kind of problems with being a caretaker.

    Thank you for listening,
    Chris
    [This Message was Edited on 10/27/2004]
  2. peterle

    peterle New Member

    WELLCOME TO THIS SITE. IT DOES NOT MOVE VERY FAST, BUT MOST EVERYBODY THAT HAS BEEN A CAREGIVER TO A PARENT OR SPOUSE UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND TALKING ABOUT.
    THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO VENT, AND SOMETIMES JUST GETTING YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OUT INTO THE OPEN WILL HELP.
    I HAVE NO ADVICE TO GIVE EXCEPT FOR ONE,AABOVE ALL , PLEASE ,TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. NOBODY ELSE CAN DO IT FOR YOU. I SPEAKE OUT OF EXPIRIENCE, FOR I AM TRYING , FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS ,TO PUT MYSELF TOGETHER AGAIN . NOT AN EASY JOB. DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT AND FOR IT USUALLY IS. TAKE CARE ,MY BEST WISHES ARE WITH YOU
    PETERLE
    [This Message was Edited on 10/22/2004]
  3. kd5k

    kd5k New Member

    Hi Chris and welcome. This board doesn't move very fast at all! This is where I started when I was looking for a message room or chat for caregivers. Look into the Alzheimers message board. The Alz. chat is dead, no one ever there, but the message board is awesome. There are so many caring, knowledgeable, and friendly people. I have only been there maybe a month and a half but it has helped me sooooo much!! You can get input, ideas, how to handle different situations, throw in your 2 cents, and a place to just "VENT" when needed. It has helped me so much as at times I just felt like I could explode, and then I could come and vent or ask an opinion and a load was taken off my shoulders!! Pleas join us! Fill our your bio so we will know about you. Once you are in you can click on someones name and read their bio and ohter postings. Gotten allot of info there. Also in the "search" you can put in a certain topic and get info there as well.Hope to see you!! Hugs, Debs
  4. Posey

    Posey New Member

    I so ashamed of the way I talk about my Mom to other people. I've always been taught to respect her and the guilt is eating me up.

    We used to be able to talk and enjoy conversations but now I avoid her when I can. It's breaking my heart.

    I love her and am afraid things are going to get so bad that when something happens to her I'll regret the last few years I have with her.

    Thanks again for listening and I will try the Alzheimer's board.

    Chris
  5. cjbronx

    cjbronx New Member

    I am learing as I go. Kind of winging it as we progress into this illness. What I have learned is they really do not know what they are saying. They say the hurtful things to get your attention. When they do not get what they want or need, they will say mean things.

    I know this is the illness. My mom was never one to be stingy or not generous with anything. But her personality has changed into a person who can never say anything nice about anyone or look on the bright side of anything. If it's not negative - it's not coming out of her mouth. I have come to call her Sybil (not to her ) to my friends and family because I never know who I will be dealing with at the moment. Her personality changes like the wind. I am trying to teach myself how/why she thinks the way she does.

    Some days you just have to walk away - I sit in front of the computer for hours. She knows I am here, so that is a comfort. This is my alone time.