Caretaker in need of caretaker

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by afeni, Dec 5, 2003.

  1. afeni

    afeni New Member

    Hi, I am in need of a hug. I am a 35yr old poet, wife and mother. I have a 15 yr old daughter who has fm, A twelve yr old daughter with adhd, and a serious case of depression. A 6 yr old son, with delayed speach, who is ambidexturous. And last but not least, a husband who loves us all, but doesn't know how to be there for us.

    I love my family. They have been my life. My children are all so bright, and talented in their own individual way. My husband has been the love of my life. The 24th will be our 17th anniversary. I have been with him since I was 16. We have grown up together. We have been there for each other in hard times and pulled each other through.

    In my dreams, I am a writer whose work is enjoyed by many. I am healthy, and active, and not overweight. My children are well and happy. My husband is living out his dreams with me. In my dreams I don't see perfection. I just see a good, and fulfilling life.

    My reality shows a different picture. My husband isn't getting what he deserves in his career of choice. My illness has undermined my belief in myself. It has taken so much from me. My oldest daughter cannot go to school, because shes so ill right now. My 12 yr old is so depressed, shes gained about 40 lbs in 2 yrs. Shes very smart and her favorite subjects are math and science. She failed last yr. She doesn't sleep at night, won't do her chores, is late to school once a week, and its right behind my apartment. She doesn't want to go outside, or be around anyone. She cries alot. My husband is mad because the house is never clean, and the girls don't do things to his satisfaction. Actually, I don't think I do either. But I see the helplessness in his eyes.
    Everybody looks to me to fix hurt feelings, make, and take care of docters app. boost everyones ego. Hold everyones hand. My family is in crisis. My hubby won't go to counsling. Now I am probably moving to Atlanta, where I have family, but I don't know anything about it. It will just be me and the kids. I am scared to death he might end up in Iraq, and not come back. For about 50 different reasons. I have to start all over again with the docs, and schools, and learning my way around....And its stressin' me out. My hubby says how strong I am. But he doesn't seem to understand that even strong people get weak sometimes.

    I feel weak now. And so very unsure. And a hug would be nice. I'm pooped.
    I really needed to vent

    [This Message was Edited on 12/05/2003]
  2. igiveup

    igiveup New Member

    Poor you ,, I'm pooped from reading your letter ,,, Do I understand your husband is in the service ,, so your moving to Atlanta while hes gone ? where ? I think you are in for a good hug ,plus more I would say ,,,

    So stressing for you with all your children with health issues ,, you really don't need him to hound you , with not having a spruced up house like he would like it to be ,,

    When I got married I didn't think a dust rag and a broom was to be tied to my apron strings .. My husband was a workaholic so he helped me make the babies and thats all I got from him , [ Mind you he was a good money provider but marriage is more then a pay check ]

    Being needed and worried all the time is awful , I feel like Ive aged 10 years doing what I do for everyone ,,, sorry I cant write more...... mother needs her shower and I go stay with her so if she falls I'm right there ,,,, but please hang on and here is a BIG HUG for you ,,, Pris
  3. worried725

    worried725 New Member

    Hi afeni,

    I'm sending you a great big hug. You really can use one. Reading about your 12 yr. old being so depressed I thought of my own grandaughter who was going through the same thing. The doctor put her on zoloft and paxel and she is just a totally different person. Talking, laughing and now seems to be enjoying life. I think you and the kids will enjoy Alanta because you have family there. I think that will help alot. Your son will probably respond better too. I don't know what fm stands for. Hope different doctors can help her. You can go for counsling by yourself. It might help you to cope with things. Even strong people can use some help too. God Bless
  4. afeni

    afeni New Member

    I am so grateful for every warm thought. I wouldn't want to not have my family. I just wish it didn't seem like I was letting them down so much. FM stands for fibromyalgia. Its a nuerological disorder that brings alot of pain and exhaustion, along with problems too numerous to get into. And its a chronic condition. With no cure to speak of. Kind of like lupus.

    Sometimes we handle things and don't really think about all it is that we do in our dayly lives. Sometimes the burdens just get too heavy for a while.

    Lately, I've been feeling like my backpack is ripping, and I'm about to drop everything.
    My hubby is going to Okinawa, Japan. And it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have fm too. Thats what scares me the most. Being sick, and unable to work, and having 3 more people depending on me to make sure they are always taken care of.

    Anyway, thanks for the hugs.
    Afeni
  5. Turtleoo

    Turtleoo New Member

    Afeni,

    I'm new to the board, so don't really know how this works. I can really empathize with the pressures of daily living you're under. You're not alone.

    I'm a single woman with CFIDS/FM. I raised an ADHD son, have a 41 yr, old brain damaged son still living with me, and a mother with dementia and other health problems. I have to work to support us and I'm currently helping to care for an 87 yr. old lady with Alzheimer's. I also have a full plate and it does become overwhelming at times. I pray a LOT. My favorite comfort phrase is, "This too shall pass."

    I live in Ga. Atlanta has many support groups, which can be very helpful, if you have the energy to check them out. Hopefully, your family will be willing to help.

    God bless you and best wishes!

    Turtleoo
  6. joyfh

    joyfh New Member

    We all seem to have hard times or we would not be here posting..but we are all in the same boat kind of..you think your the only one but your not..there are many ppl that has dementia..I am 70 and caring for my husband who is 90 with dementia...some days are good and some days are not to good...learning and reading how to handle problems that come up is hard...you look on the bright side instead of the bad side of things.when I get a lot on my plate..I have a note book..or a journal write down what is on you mind and ways to handle them...of course PRAY a lot ..God is right beside you..hear his voice...JOY
  7. mustanglovrsue

    mustanglovrsue New Member

    sucks to be superwoman, doesnt it? sounds like your kids are being kids, teen rebeling and all that fun stuff, your husband needs to understand you need a break! sure your strong, but jeez, even superman and wonder woman had limits! if you feel you need counsling, go yourself if he wont go ( i think he should but not my place to say, i dont know your situation) your dealing with way more than just cleaning a house, youve got mental wars with a teen ( 12 is almost a teen, i wish you the very best of luck with that) mothers and daughters always fight and shes at that age where it starts. does she listen to your husband? meaning, if he TOLD her to do her chores, would she?
    he needs to realize that you need to be a team and right now, you need a break. youve got so much on your plate mentally if you dont get some relief here soon, your gonna break, so before that happens, maybe try counsling for yourself? can you get a relative to take your daughter for a week or weekend so you and hubby can get away? you and he need to re-connect and deal with this together, he cant put everything on you because your strong... even the strong have limits... good luck, if i could give you a hug through this computer i surely would
  8. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    If not, just getting some therapy for yourself might help. Dysfunctional families often place labels on family members and assign them responsibilities. It's not unusual for one spouse to make the other responsible for everyone's happiness and well-being and the kids just follow that example. Families need to work together. If there is illness, people need to be shaken out of their denial that life will be whatever their ideal of family life may be.

    You are not responsible for everyone else in the family. In most cases, even sick kids can learn to contribute something to the family and, in the process, learn some responsibility and self-esteem.

    If it were me, I'd get therapy and then bring hubby into the process so that together, you can get the family into a healthier and more realistic situation. Even families which appear to have it all have problems that they either deal with or hide from public view. There are no perfect families. It's just a matter of where we all fall on the dysfunctional to healthy scale. Sometimes, we need outside help. We would never perform surgery on ourselves but we often don't seek professional help for even more serious problems.

    Best of luck to you. Prayers going up.

    Love, Mikie