Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by fibromickster, Aug 7, 2008.

  1. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    Okay, I will try to make this short, but unfortunatley it still affects me to this day regarding my Mom. So in my case, yes it was hard to be a daughter.

    When I was about 7, my Dad was working as a mailman during the day and then cleaned office buildings at night so my Mom could stay home with us kids. Well one night, I went downstairs to ask my Mom something and I caught her and the guy across the street on the couch kissing and etc....

    I was only 7 at the time. She grabbed me and told me that if I told anyone, especially my father, she would beat my *&). Well as of today, I have never ever told anyone.

    When I was about 8, she left a note in the refrigerator, saying that she left for good. A day later, we found out it was with the guy across the street. We also found out she was pregnant with his child. She wound up losing the baby when it was born (hole in its heart).

    Well, after a couple of years, my brother and sister went to live with her and I stayed with my Dad. I have always been a Daddy's Girl. She never tried to get me to live with her so I guess I felt rejected and had very low self esteem of myself throughout the years.

    I went to see her very rarely, mainly on holidays and such, so I didn't get to see my sister and brother very often either. The only time she was ever really involved with my life was when I ran away in my teen years. She found me and locked me in her basement for a week. I was pretty bad back then in my teen years, on drugs, hung out with bad people, etc..... My poor Dad, I feel so sorry for him now. He was the best Dad he could be to me and I love him for always being there for me as a Dad and a Mother.

    Anyway, I got pregnant at 24 (with my husband today), we dated for 2 years prior and were going to get married anyway. When I went to tell my Mom, she had the gull to tell me, well if you are marrying him you better never cheat on him. ?????? That coming from her after cheating on my Dad and her current husband now (the man that she left with). She never gave me a dime toward my wedding, my Dad paid for the whole thing, and it was big. I had 7 bridesmaids and groomsmen.

    I am just fortunate that I did not live with her as my brother and sister went to hell and back living there. She would make my younger sister watch out the window for her "current" husband to come home when she was with her next door neighbor. My brother was kicked out of the house at 18 because she thought he should be living on his own at that time. She also let my sister quite highschool in 9th grade and to this day still does not have a high school diploma. It really is sad. There really is so much more that I can tell you, like she would really make be feel bad, like when I was 13 she told me in front of my friends, when are you going to grow boobs you are still so flat. Now being a teenager that really made my selfesteem low.

    But like I said, my Dad did everything for me and he was the best. Thanks to him, I am who I am today and I think I am a darn good person for what I went through.

    Today, we are more like Friends, she comes to all the birthday, graduation, etc..... parties. She gives wonderful presents (that is how she tries to buy my girls love). However, she has never once watched my kids. I was turned down a couple of times and I never asked her again. Luckily the girls have a wonderful Grandmother on my husbands side and 2 wonderful Grandpas (mine dad and DH Dad).

    Anyway, I am sure it still affects me in ways. One thing is that I couldn't be closer to my girls. I love our mother daughter relationship that I wished I would have had with my mother. By the way, she would abuse us too, she would give us the belt for coughing too much or complaining about the smoke in the car (with the windows up when she smoked).

    Okay, I am pooped out talking about it. It is over and I have a wonderful like now and a wonderful family and I thank God everyday for it and my Dad of course. Actually, now I think my mother is jealous of my life, because I did so well for myself and I have 2 wonderful daughters and we are so close. I think now she wishes things would have been different and tries to get close to my but I just can't.

    Thanks for getting me to talk about it, it does help.


    [This Message was Edited on 08/07/2008]
  2. ckball

    ckball New Member

    Thank you so much and you may delete this now if you want.

    I am sorry you had to suffer so much and I understand how you feel, except I would have been glad if my mother would have left me, but she had no one to leave me with. So she took it out on me.

    David is here working outside, he came early and I just got up so have to go. I trully appreciate you sharing as there is more to my story and you helped my by sharing.

    You are a wonderful and proud mom and your girls are great. I ran away to FL when I was 15, wore a disguise and got on a plane. So we have a lot in common.

    Thanks again and I will write more later-Carla
  3. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to tell you that I peeked at this post for Carla. Thanks so much for posting it. Somehow I goofed and wronte a nice post to you, Carla and Elaine on the wrong thread. So, I delete it. I , for some reason went right by this thread, thought it might be deleted and so put oit on the Porch thread. Please read it if you get the time.

    Just wanted to say how proud I am of you , as well as Carla and Elaine for how you have all turned out after all your problems growing up with the people you grew up that caused so manyproblems for you. You are all true LADIES and I am proud to call you my friends.

    I am also proud of this Board for giving you all and others to share their stories that can be so helpful to everyone.

    I could go on alot longer but I won't !!


  4. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    Granni, that was so so sweet, thank you so much. I take this experience growing up as a blessing in a wierd sort of way. I think it made me a better person and whom I am today. I have always wondered what it would have been like if I had a loving relationship with my Mom like I do with my girls.

    My only sadness nowadays is that my girls were never close to their grandma and their grandma doesn't get to see how wonderful, loving, sweet, caring girls that they are. She definetly missed out on that. But she did it to herself.

    Anyway, Carla, it sounds you really had it rought, I can see why you are so so strong now. You were only 15, who did you stay with???? How did you make it??? Wow, and look at your now, you are a strong, beautiful, smart, independent, caring person. You would never have known you had a childhood like that.

    It is so sad that we can remember so much from then. I can still remember running up to my room to bury my head in a pillow so my Mom wouldn't hear me cough. Can you imagine.

    Well Carla, I truly (and I mean that) admire you for taking care of your Mom like you did. I don't know if I could do that. You are a better person than me, because I really don't think when that time comes I will help in anyway. But who knows.

    Love you all and thank you all so much for being there for me and listening to my story. It really does help to talk about things and get it out in the open. I have always wondered if I should see a psycologist (sp???), but just talking to you guys has helped tremendously.
  5. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    And everyone talking back and forth to each other about your awful pasts, and some not so past experiences, sure is ALOT cheaper too than going to see a therapist or psychologist (-: !!!


  6. ckball

    ckball New Member

    Yes it does help to talk about our experiences and read that we are not alone in overcoming many of the obsticales in this life.

    I agree with Mickey about my childhood being a gift, I would not be the person I am today had I not suffered and lived to tell about it.

    Ok my teenage run away story- short of it was, I had been with a boy for 3 years, he turned 18 and moved to Fl after he broke up with me. He missed me and decided he wanted me back so I worked at DQ to save my airfare.

    I had freinds that helped and I managed to get to FL and stayed 3 days as my mom found out before I got to my first plane change but went anyway, it was Labor Day weekend and told her all the flights were booked and couldn't come home until Sun. She met me at the plane and dragged to church and humiliated me in front of the whole church.

    She damaged my self esteem as well and have been in and out of therapy for most of my life. How I finally came to terms with it, I realized she had a bad childhood too, her mother did the same as yours, left a note when she was 8 and left. Their relationship was always strained too.

    So I saw her as damaged and she did what she could. She was very unhappy and married a man that was 32 when she was 16, then had an affair with a married man who was 32 as well. Then when my dad died when I was 5 she stayed in a abusive relationship with the married man until I turned 18, then he left his wife and married mom. In the meantime I was either abused or ignored depending on her affair was on or off.

    It took me MANY years to get there and hated having to give my life up to care for her but I wouldn't be were I am today otherwise.

    I tried to give my daughter a happy life and she never had to see abuse, alcoholism, her dad and I got along after we divorced and she did live with him as a teen as my husband at the time was transferred and it was better for her to live with her dad. I lived 4 hours away and visited often and talked all the time.

    She is now throwing that up to me, after years of saying it was all good. Daddy had lots of money and gave her everything she wanted but unconditional love. He is a good man, just not emotional and thought giving her a good life was enough.

    I was the one she shared her life with after she grew up and got married. Now 20 years latter she is digging up the past. I feel this is because that is the only thing she could throw at me to deflect from her own misery now.

    She knows I can see right threw her so putting distance between us is her way of hiding her unhappiness from me. She said more than once that her life was boring and she was fine with that and had nothing to talk about. Does that sound like a happy person?

    Mickey know that is wasn't you that caused any problems, it was your mother's issues not you or your brothers or sisters. Was her situation with her mother any better?

    Forgivness is a hard thing to do and it does not mean you are letting the person get away with what ever they did that hurt you. It just means your not giving them the power to harbor resentment or anger at them. It doesn't mean she has to be your best freind or even in your life.

    It just means you have let it go within yourself and you can move on with your life. I am sure she has her regrets and has paid her price knowing how she damaged her family.

    Thanks again for sharing and I am glad you have grown up into a beautiful, strong, woman and mom. Do you think she sits back and looks at your relationship with your daughters and wishes she could have that too? Take care and here is a big hug for you {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}} You are a great lady and inspiration in your own right, I know your daughter are proud of you-Carla
  7. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    Elaine, Carla and Granni,

    You all 3 make me cry happy tears, thank you so much for your heartfelt and true words. Elaine, of course I don't mind, I wouldn't of posted this if I didn't mind all my friends reading.

    The reason why is because I knew that I would get wonderful "therapy" responses like this and believe me it has helped me more ways than one.

    I guess I did always feel that it was my fault in the beginning, especially since I "caught" her in the act and I was terrified of her. The reason I still haven't told my Dad, brother or sister is "why", what difference would it make now.

    It would only make my Dad more unhappy that he lost the love of his life and make my sister and brother think more less of her than what they already do.

    Elaine, my answer would be no to your question, nothing would have changed, for one thing it was her fault the way I turned out when I was a teenage. I was a follower and I wanted people to like me so that was why I did "things" to get them to like me.

    Gosh, I cannot thank you guys enought, my eyes are filling up just thinking how lucky I am finding this board. Wow, it is really healing. I just wish so much that we could all get together in person some day. I truly think we will somehow or another. I would drive hours just to meet you all.

    Carla - to answer your question about my Grandma being like that to my Mom. No way, she is my Idol. My mother was so lucky to have a mom and dad like my Grandma and Grandpa. They were 2 of the best people I had the pleasure of calling my family.

    My Grandma was a typical country Grandma, canned, sewed, made homemade meals, etc.... she even made all of my dollies dresses to look just like mine. We were very very close, my Grandmother and I. I would travel with her and when I was little I would stay with her almost every weekend. My grandpa died when I was about 12 and he pretty much disowned my Mother when she left my Dad, he loved my Dad.

    Of course after he died, my grandma really needed my Mom in more ways than one, and my Mom actually treated her wonderfully, always there for her. She even moved across the street from her and took care of her before she passed away a few years ago. Wow, I really miss her. She had a wonderful Faith in God too. I can't say enough good things about her.

    Anyway, Granni, Carla, and Elaine, and anyone else that reads this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me tell my story and getting such good advice and sentiments from you all.

    I love you all,

  8. lilaclover30

    lilaclover30 New Member

    My heawt aches for you - Elaine, Mickey and Carla. It hurts when your mother does not think of dyou first, only how things affect her.

    My mother's sister was a lkovely lady, lost a baby at birth, and had a convict hubby who also died. She had to care for Grandma, then later Grandpa. I am an only child and she adored me - I loved her so much, a second mother.

    my mother thoug ht of herself first. I remember one time in nov. I told her I was to get a mamogram, and she was mad. She thought that it COULD ruin her holidays. It hurt and I never told her ahead again.

    We had 2 children and we had a surprise!!!! and what a blessing he is!

    I told my mother when my mother, this aunt and I were at a club party - lots lf ladies. She refused to talk to me anymore that evening----I tried calling her on the phone and she wouldn't talk! My aunt sympathized but what could she do? k I was sooo hu9rt.

    She later loved this blessed 3rd child and kept him and babysat with him.

    My aunt is the one that went with my aunt and Dad gto buy my wedding dress. My aunt did mogt of the planning of the wedding and had gthe rehearsal dinner for us in her home.

    I loved Mom dearly but was often hurt and cried over things that happened. Hubby was good to her afgter my Dad passed away and took her for rides and rootbeer floats.

    She was so devastated at his death - suddenly from a heart attach at 65 - young. The lived two houses down from us and I spent every eve. from Nov. to June with her. I realize now that was wrong - I shaoulsd have been home with hubby8 and kids.

    i have more about D and her D but that's another story!

    Bless you ladies, youn have overcome some of the worst hurts gthat you could go through. Thank you for sharing your stories. And thank you for listening to me - I never told anyone else.

    luv and Gentle Hugs to Elaine, Carla, Mickey and sweet Granni for her input

  9. ckball

    ckball New Member

    Yes thanks for sharing, I really can't say anymore than Elaine did, I am glad you felt comfortable in sharing.

    Many childhhod scars are invisiable and many carry them around and never share them for fear of judgment or shame, fear but we must express them to ourselves and/or others to let them go.

    If we keep them inside we carry those feelings with us in our relationships of today with others sometimes. Self esteem is the biggest loss in the toxic or dysfuntional relationships.

    We feel we aren't good enough because _________ did ______ to me. Then someone else comes along, usually a BF-GF-spouse and they treat us the same and we accept it becuase it HAS to be US, that is what THEY say.

    That was a hard lesson for me but I did learn my happiness and self esteem comes from in me, not because so and so told me so or was not. I know what I am capable of and have overcame so many things in my life and I always end up on my feet again.

    So I don't worry what the future holds, I live in today and know what ever happens tomorrow may be hard but I have myself to depend on and know I will get threw whatever life hands me.

    It is a concious effort to be gratful for what I DO have. I get tired, frustrated, throw a hissy fit (to myself) then get over it and go on.

    Well I need to get my girls in and get to bed. Thank everyone for sharing and supporting each other, this is what life is all about. I know I am a better person for being her and knowing the wonderful people here-Carla

  10. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    Awwww, thanks for coming on and telling your story too. I am so glad you had your Aunt, you were very fortunate as you said.

    You are a very caring loveable wonderful person to your family and they are all so fortunate to have you.

    You remind me so much of my grandma regarding the things that you do and the way you post things on the chit chat board.

    I know all of your grandkids, and great grandkids just adore you and know how lucky they have you for being in their lives.

    Just remember, if it wasn't for you they wouldn't be here.

    So that is the one good thing my Mother did, If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here and neither would my kids, so that is the one thing I am thankful for.

    Hmmmmm, I never thought of it that way, that kind of makes me feel better. LOL

    Love you all!!!!!