Caution...humorous but slightly saucy content :p

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by texangal81, Jun 28, 2008.

  1. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    I always fall asleep when I'm watching TV in bed. Now I know all the rules of "sleep hygiene" (boy who coined THAT phrase) and that the bedroom is to be used for two activities.....sleep and sex. Well I'm a 48 year old divorced woman with FM so it is safe to say NEITHER of those things ever go on in my bedroom!

    I sleep in about 2 hour stretches - 3 if I'm lucky, 4 if I can score a 'klon' from my office mate at work. During one of my wakeful moments last night, I started surfing the channels. I have dish TV with probably 6532 channels and at 2 am, NOTHING is on.

    So as I'm flipping the clicker, big as life pops up 150 year old Jack LaLanne and his 25 year old wife touting their Power Juicer. Hmmmmmm, this could be cool. I've read about the benefits of juicing and Lord knows I can use all the help I can get. I mean, look at Jack.....that alone speaks volumes. It is also a very soothing commercial and before I know it I'm back in La-La-LaLanne land........

    Shortly after that (or so I thought), I awoke with my usual start to groggily hear them STILL talking about the Power Juicer. Wow, this must be one long infomercial. I rolled over and 20" away from my face was something called The Power Juicer but it sure wasn't what Jack was selling.

    Somewhere between dozing off and awaking with a start, the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer show had segued into the "Shop Erotic" channel. Holy Moly, would ya LOOK at that thing. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or hit record on the DVR to show it to someone, anyone.

    I'm no prude. I was married. I had a great long term relationship with a fun guy. I had a wonderful 6 month cyber-fling with a married aussie. Ok, so it isn't Debbie Does Dallas, but hey, I AM 48......and I have never in all my life seen anything like "The Power Juicer". I am embarrassed to admit I still don't know what you are supposed to do with it. It looked so, so, so foreboding.

    I was transfixed. These two very good looking women (one Asian, one blonde, of course) were enthusiastically extolling the virtues of this item. It was as if they were selling a Mixmaster. "And if you buy NOW they'll include the accessories free. Accessories? What the heck do THEY do"?

    I knew I should turn the channel. It wasn't that I was offended, but with no man in my life, watching could get dangerous. But I was enthralled, it was drawing me in. I had no IDEA that there was this huge variety of, um, well, um, you know. But by the numbers spinning by in every increasing increment, this must be a lucrative business.

    Item after item these sweet young things sold with a straight face. I was cracking up with each successive piece. This was funnier than the George Carlin tribute on HBO that kept my mind on anything but my inability to sleep a few nights in a row. Everything was on sale, at LEAST $20.00 off. And there were two numbers to call if you wanted to order - a men's number and a women's number. I haven't figured that one out unless the ordering process included something "a bit extra".

    It was the normality of it that was so hilarious. As if selling artificial body parts of men and women on TV was the most natural business in the world. How many times did these two women crack up themselves off air? What about the men and women in production? The camera people? Was it so erotic that they had a "release room"? Do you get an employee discount? You know, as a perk for working there. Can you imagine the office Christmas party?

    I knew I had to turn the channel or I would be up for days learning about implements that well, I didn't think I would have a use for. Sleep was now a thing of the past and I knew my time would be better spent watching "Welcome Back Kotter" or "House of Mouse". Jack LaLanne where are you?

  2. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I you know we all have this tendency-like staring at car wrecks etc.two headed sheep. edical programs etc. The above is the correct term for it.

    Hey I come from an era when you said "monthlies" in hushed tones and men were kept well away from delivery rooms etc. Personal items were kept under the counter etc.

    Are you SURE it wasn't Jack though?

    LOL Annie
  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    ooops, can't afford to lose that part, need to sit on something...

    you really cracked me up! No pun either lol, sheesh, my mind is on a roll...

    hope you don't mind if I pass your post onto my local support group?-- I know they'd get a laugh out of it too! Hysterical. You ARE an excellent writer!

    BTW, what I use to 'sleep' with are audio books... I think they sometimes act like 'white noise' lol actually... some of the speakers just have a wonderful voice that lull me. I'm not sure they'd be complimented by that tho.

    But on the nights my mind is really alert, at least I can snooze/doze and yet be entertained, otherwise I tend towards thoughts that get in the way of sleeping.

  4. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    Years and years ago I wanted to be a writer..........I was told writers don't make any money, that you don't just 'get to write' you have to do other stuff, and besides, your TRUE career is to be a wife and mom (ignore the wretching noises). Besides, I didn't want to work. What idiot would want to punch a clock when you could shove your kids out the door at 7 then watch the soaps and sew all day (my mom's life). My dad was laid back at home and a workaholic at work. All he wanted was his job and a happy wife at home.

    So I set out for that MRS. I found the perfect candidate too. Hard-working, dedicated, driven, SMART, boring as He11. He would be successful, you knew it. He was a type-A, anal, boardroom type. I was a crazy, closet feminist, bohemian hippie type. I think I had the beginnings of FM even then, so let's add Lazy A&& to the type. It was too late when I learned that I wasn't my mom and he wasn't my dad. It was a disaster.

    Lots of kerap happened, I had two kids, I drank, I ate, I re-papered the bathroom 8 times in 10 years and I was emotionally abused and stifled along the way. Then I went back to school, got a degree and one day I LEFT. And my life began. So no matter HOW bad this FM life gets, it will never be as bad as the previous life I had.

    My writing helps me and I hope it helps other if just for a few minutes.

  5. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Just read your bio, and last post on other board.

    You REALLY have a gift for the type of sarcastic humor that I, at least, find hysterical...........

    You should at the very least start a blog, or even a video blog on youtube or something.............. sometimes humor/sarcasm gets across a LOT of what seriously written things cannot!

    all the best,

    Oh forgot to mention..... about those audio books.... even tho they are rarely salacious in any way, it's amazing what a half-awake and falling asleep mind does with material it 'hears'......!!!

    [This Message was Edited on 06/28/2008]
  6. therealmadscientist

    therealmadscientist New Member

  7. poets

    poets Member

    My son heard me laughing at the TV and came out to see what was going on. Wow! All those different colors and attachments and speeds! I sat there like I was spellbound. I didn't know that many variations of those things existed. Most I'd never seen! I could never do like the girls that get up there and try to sell them. I'd start laughing, and that would be it. It was actually entertaining.
  8. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    This could become addictive TV. It is hilarious, fascinating, and quite interesting watching these young gals sell this stuff with a straight face. I could NEVER do that if I had to hold up and try to describe "Dr. Watkins super male sump pump" *LOL*. Or the beautiful glass 'implements' each one individually painted. How do you tell your folks what you do for a living?

    "Mom, Dad, thank you so much for the 10 years of college so I could get a PHd in art". I have this great JOB, I create unique, one of a kind, well, um, shall we say "female pleasuring glass pieces' and I make a fortune"!

    Poor mom and dad, when asked what their brilliant daughter is doing these days, they say proudly "She sells drugs".

  9. victoria

    victoria New Member

    you are still cracking me up.............

  10. 4everkid

    4everkid New Member

    TexasGal - I really need you to post something every day, at least once. You have made my day, twice now in one day. I was cracking up at 150 year old Jack LaLanne, and it just got better after that.

    Seriously though, just how old IS that guy? I was a drooling infant when my Mom was rockin' the "Glamour Stretcher" with Jack. I remember watching his show back when I was StillaKid - and he looks pretty much the same now as he did then.

    So these implements are made of glass huh? Scary! At least they are decorative. What in the world is painted on them??? Hmmm... maybe I don't want to know.

    At least now I have a better understanding of why you have such vivid dreams. Its all because of the "power juicer" ad playing subliminally in the background of your dreams!

    You should seriously think about flipping over to TVLand or Nick at Night before drifting off to sleep. With something like The Brady Bunch or Leave it to Beaver playing in the background, you can say goodbye to your Satan and the Hooter girls dreams.

    BILLCAMO New Member

    I've kept my mouth shut until now......may get away with it on a holiday weekend....

    But in any case , if y'all know what I mean , you can't say anything.....

    If y'all don't , I can't.....

    Is it a JRV or JLV ? ( I've heard of both....).

    ROTFLMAO !!!!

    Blessings , :>) (Blush)

  12. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    its actually a young assistant they brought in recently. Jack's wife is around his age and still in some commercials, but if you watch him he's started getting shaky and can't push the stopper easily to get the fruit down into the machine or hold a full glass of juice, so he stands and watches, says a few things and she rattles on and does most of the work...its almost sad, the guy's in his 90s and probably made millions...time to retire, at least from tv.
  13. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    i cant remember her name, she's on cable in NY after 11pm and takes any question from anyone about sex of any kind, done anywhere for any reason.

    i can't hide behind my pills anymore. everyone posting here is amazing to talk about sex, think about it, care about it. i'm looking for a man who prefers intimate celibacy, a man equally tired/bored with the act of sex, its rituals, games and endless pretending...i need a man who can chop wood for the fireplace he built, shut up and sip his claret and listen to the entire portfolio of Brandenburg concertos...and maybe, i dont want to hope for too much, just maybe he discuss them with me.
  14. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    You now have a fan club!!!!!!!!!!!! Please keep posting, you're a hoot....(not topless Hooter's girls)

    And now that you know how lucrative writing can be, try selling some short stories to magazines and such to get started.


    [This Message was Edited on 07/03/2008]
  15. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    It is become apparent to me that I watch WAY too much TV! Last night during the commerical break for Animal House (edited version, AMC, just doesn't have the same punch....) I saw an ad for a very unique plant watering device. They are made from hand-blown glass, each one unique with a bulb on the end (looks like a turkey baster) which you fill full of water and stick it into the dirt and it provides perfect watering every time. I couldn't help but think of those other individually made glass pieces........

    Gives a whole new meaning to hand-blown glass .......
  16. victoria

    victoria New Member

    I've seen those ads too, hehe, now I'm going to start laughing everytime they come on and nobody will know why and think I'm even weirder haha!

    Didoe, you're likely talking about Sue Johansen (sp)?, altho there may've been another on TV as well I think. She is/was a riot. (For some reason I think I heard she was quitting soon or had quit... well, sooner or later it's time to retire?)

  17. painterZ

    painterZ New Member

    what channel and time...just in case I'm awake or something...LOL