This recent turn for the worse is driving me completely crazy. Between continuous violent spasms VS complete sedation and such profound fatigue that I'm stuck back in bed 90% of my day and having to throw away all my dreams I worked so hard for (AGAIN!) I feel like just letting go... There goes my little dream of copyediting for small magazines once a month. There goes my dream of marrying the man I love and having a family and a life. There goes my ability to eat at least once a day. There goes my hygiene (shower? yeah right!). I haven't left my house in so long. I've been bearing it until now because I keep telling myself it's temporary and just trying to distract myself with comic books (Japanese Manga). But I don't think it is. I think this is it. I'm 25 and this is what I get to look forward to for the rest of my life. I've been living on hope for 6 1/2 years. When am I gonna get a reprieve? What I wouldn't give to be able to dress up, wear makeup, and leave my house for a night on the town with the girls! Or go anywhere! I don't think I'd even care anymore. I've begun shutting people out--they don't understand and their attempts to "cheer me up" only leave me feeling worse than before. I just want to lie here and rot away and I won't be a burden on the world anymore. I feel so awful.