Charr or anyone, I really need to know how you all hold up!!

Discussion in 'Alzheimers' started by Milo83, Jun 16, 2002.

  1. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    Hi Charr & everyone else that has been so helpful to me in the past..I guess I just need to vent right now..I'm having a difficult time (even though she is in the nursing home) to see her going down hill in the past 2-3 weeks..I still visit atleast 3, sometimes 4x weekly, and call her atleast 2xdaily when I don't visit..I just feel so helpless, just like the rest of you do..I really feel right now, like I'm about to "loose it completly"..I myself suffer from anxiety/depression problems, along with some other things, and now am starting to go through menopause..I myself have things like autoimmune hepatitis, arthritis, Fibro, just to mention a few..From all my problems I'm mentally drained and then with having to see how Mom is going downhill, it's just ripping me apart and don't know which way to turn..
    Because of some of my problems, I suffer from fatigue a great deal..But lately everytime I leave that nursing home, I feel like I just can't concentrate on doing anything the rest of the day..When I talk to her on the phone, I cry like all H*** when I hang up..I do everything possible to make my Mom as comfortable as she can in the nursing home..I go there, sit with her, take her outside for fresh air, put makeup on her, bring her little goodies..At times she expresses out loud (or should I say almost demands) that I be there more..I just can't do it physically or mentally..I know she is lonely, but she doens't even try to interact with the other residents..But then she complains she is always alone..I make sure they are right on top of her other physical problems and she is well taken care of at the nursing home..I think I'm just emotionally drained after a year and a half of running to hospitals or the nursing home..Since she became sick, and then the dementia set in and short term memory loss, I was diagnosed with the autoimmune hepatitis, lost my husband's brother just over a month ago at the age of 53, starting getting worse with the arthritis, & I could go on and on..
    There has to be more of you that have more going on than just your loved one with Alzheimers (which that in itself, is a lot to deal with)..I am sorry that I went on for so long, just feel like I am half nuts right now & don't know how to deal with Mom anymore..Maybe I should go over to the depression board, I really don't know..
    Charr, how are things going with your Mom..Did you get her in a nursing home..Please let me know..
    Anyone that has any ideas, please post..At this point, I really need help..And it always makes me feel better that I'm not alone..Best Wishes to all.......Donna
  2. Anne

    Anne New Member

    Donna, I am so sorry to hear about all that you are going through in your life right now. Any ONE of those things would have a person feeling down, and you are way overburdened. I'm no doctor, so I can't advise you on the health problems, but I DO know that the extreme stress you are under would aggravate your condition. Is there anything you do that is just for yourself? Would the mother that you remember (before Alzheimers) want you to stress yourself out in this way? Three or four visits a week PLUS
    phone calls every day sound very devoted to me, so PLEASE don't let her make you feel guilty for not going to see her MORE! You, Charr, and the others who write are doing your best to take care of your loved ones, and you're doing a darn good job. Nobody could doubt your devotion, and you CANNOT doubt yourselves. You must live for YOURSELF also, dear lady. You asked if others had problems coping, and I know of a time this year when I really floundered. My mother died in January, a beloved pet died unexpectedly in February, and in March we found out by a phone call from the police that something bad had happened to Mom at her care center back in November. I will not say any more about it at this time, because I know Charr and others are having difficulty with the idea of placing loved ones in a nursing home, and I don't want them to be scared off. Most places are very good, and I would recommend them. Because of the events that happened at this nursing home to Mom and others, we are unable to deal with her death and move on. Sometimes I have trouble accepting that she is gone, especially when baseball games come on and I want to call her and tell her to turn on her beloved Indians. Oh dear,
    now I'm rambling, and this wasn't meant to be about ME. Hang in there, Donna, and please feel free to vent anytime. You deserve it. We're here for you. Take care.
  3. Charr

    Charr New Member

    Hi Donna, Sorry I haven't been on the past weekend to see your message when you needed someone desperately. I do understand how very depressing it feels to leave your mom when she wants you with her. You can't do anymore without hurting yourself. If you get sick, she has no one, so don't feel guilty you are doing all you can and it's a considerable amount. I have diabetes and it has been running amok with mom in the hospital. I go to work, then the hospital. I'm eating later than I should and most of the time over the past 5 weeks I have been picking up fast food. I too have been feeling so tired. Last thursday night mom wanted to come home with me. That was the whole visit, asking to go home, demanding to go home, saying she was gonna walk home herself. I decided I was making things worse for her and left. She was crying for me to take her with me and I was crying going out of the hospital. I think it all caught up with me and I was having my own little melt down. I woke up at 4 a.m. Friday feeling sick to my stomach. It didn't go away, so I decided it was time for me to take some time out. I stayed home from work and read, slept and just tried to get the knots to leave my stomach. I didn't call anyone over the weekend just chilled friday and Sat. Felt a little better Sunday so I went to the hospital for the afternoon. They had given mom so much meds. she was dopey. I could see it in her eyes and she was very lethargic. I checked with the nurse and at midnight the night before they had given her haldol and adavan together. Well the adavan is too strong for her. She slept most of Monday too. I told them no more adavan. The haldol would have done the trick, she is a tiny woman. I'm planning on taking this Friday on vacation as well. I need to pull myself together before I get sick. I didn't go online either because I was too depressed and tired to even do that. The knots are a little better, so just slow down and do something just for you. It will help even if it's to take a few hours to read a book, or take a bubble bath or whatever gives you a little peace. Taking care of mom and your family and home gives you little time for just you. So before you break, like I was feeling, take the time to stop and pamper yourself. Let me know how you are, I will do better in trying to jump on and check the boards no matter how tired I feel. Hang in there
  4. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    I want to "Thank" the both of you from the bottom of my heart for replying to my long, complaining, post..It's just sometimes we have to get it out to someone, other than the people we deal with on a daily basis in person..Thanks Again..
    Just called my Mom about an hour ago, I could tell right away she was really down..The Dr. was at the Nursing Home and came and checked on her..He came out and told her that she will never be able to go home, she just can't take care of herself, and no one person can do it all on their own..
    He probably would not have told her, but she was very insistant on knowing when she was going to be coming home..
    In one way, I feel relief, but in another, I feel empty inside..I tried to explain to her, that I will still try to bring her home or out to eat on certain days, as long as it's a weekend when my husband is here..I just can't manage her by myself..And my brother is no help whats-so-ever..
    So that is that story..Yes, I know I have to take time out for just me..But I always end up feeling guilty when there is always work to be done at home..I'm working on it though..In fact this morning I went out to breakfast with my best friend who moved away 4yrs ago and was in PA visiting her daughter..Really had a great time, and felt relaxed for once..
    Well I gotta run for now..Take Care Everyone....
    Donna
  5. dederave

    dederave New Member

    Thanks for your advice Donna. My mother called the doctor in advance with the digestive problems which seem to be from a combination of the drugs, rather than the Aricept. We are insisting that the problem be addressed immediately. A priority is also finding a day program of some kind.
    My family was reluctant about that because of how hard it may be to get him out of bed on time.
    It is near impossible to get my father out of the house, unless it involves the grandchildren. If his grandson or granddaughter is coming over, he will be up so quickly and responds so well. He also remembers old stuff and has been responding to just one neighbor very well.(She has been kind enough to suggest a day trip with us)
    The impatience of my mother has gotten better since she is not alone and I can stay here while she takes off a few days. Thanks again Donna and Charr and really everyone.
  6. Charr

    Charr New Member

    Hi Donna, glad you were able to get out for awhile. It really does help to recharge your batteries to get away from stress and just enjoy time with a friend. I was told today that one of the placements interviewed mom today. If they offer a bed it is 45 minutes to an hour away from. Of all the ones to answer it had to be the one farthest from instead of closer. They haven't offered a bed yet,but it depresses me to think it's actually going to happen and she may be so far. It will be murder on me getting out of work and traveling up there, visiting and then traveling back. The winter will be the absolute worst to get there. I'm just so depressed about it and really wish I could bring her home. Keep in touch.
  7. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    I was just wondering if you couldn't do a little more "pushing" to get her in the one closer to you..When my Mom was in the hospital the second time, I went to the social worker and said, "Look, you don't understand, I really need my Mom close to me"..I'm the one that will be visiting her the most and I really can't handle a drive too far away..So they worked with me, & really pushed at the Nursing Home that I wanted (and Mom) to try their best to get her in there..The drs. also worked with me and kept her in the hospital a little longer, so I could get her where she wanted to be and where I wanted her..
    I realize that if there are no beds available, it's a tough thing..But where my Mom is there are some that are only there for a couple of weeks for therapy and then they leave, so we were lucky enough that one was leaving shortly, and they waited to take her to the nursing home..
    I really feel bad for you knowing that you might have to drive so far to visit, it will really wear you down..Even when they are close and you visit a lot, it gets to you..
    But we do, what we have to and also because we want to..
    You are in my prayers and thoughts..I will be praying that you can get her close to you..Hang in there...
    Take Care...Keep me posted.....Donna
  8. Charr

    Charr New Member

    Hi Donna, I have asked the new social worker to please try again to get mom in the one closest to me. My other sister went to the home today to see if she could push and I asked our mayor if he could do anything to help. He said they told him they are filled, but he said he would keep calling them. It is all in the timing and luck to get the one you really want. My fingers are crossed. Thanks for your prayers I need them. Take care.