Child abuse in my past

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Girlof41, Oct 16, 2002.

  1. Girlof41

    Girlof41 New Member

    Verbal, emotional,physical, I have never fully healed from it, and I think there is a definite link between my wanting to please everyone and my cfs. I am really jsut living a day at a time without any joy. I can accept it but I do think I am in this situation because of my past mixed with rpesent family problems.
  2. Girlof41

    Girlof41 New Member

    Verbal, emotional,physical, I have never fully healed from it, and I think there is a definite link between my wanting to please everyone and my cfs. I am really jsut living a day at a time without any joy. I can accept it but I do think I am in this situation because of my past mixed with rpesent family problems.
  3. allhart

    allhart New Member

    i think it may have alot to do with how we handle the stress of this dd but i dont think its a cause by any means
    its hard to deal with this without family support espacailly when you want to please everyone and it seems you can please noone i know how you feel
  4. Carolonly

    Carolonly New Member

    I was adopted when I was five both adopted parents beat me and my father raped me for some years. I don't believe this has anything to do with my FM because I have been in quite a few accidents and I believe that is what caused my disease. Keep your chin up things will get better but try pleasing yourself first. I spent most of my life trying to please everyone around me and realized I was getting nowhere. God Bless You
  5. Tea4TwoMom

    Tea4TwoMom New Member

    I am so sorry to hear about all the awful things you endured as a child. My dr tells me that extreme trauma can exasperate fms. But I am gonna talk to God about you. No one should have to have so much trouble. I am glad you have the courage to post here. This message board is full of wonderful, caring, informative and loving people. Take care and know I am praying. Love, Tracey
  6. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    I think past trauma, being relived, and the current stress of family problems, can very much be a factor. Stress can precipitate, and aggrevate any medical condition. Wanting "to please everyone", is part of being a classic overachiever. Anything that falls short of perfection, in that area, leaves guilt. We would all fall short in this area, as it is impossible to please everyone, all of the time. It is immensely stressful to put ones self under that kind of pressure. You can never be responsible for another's happiness, and pleasure. I think it is time for you to work on your own "joy", as you put it. If you can find that, then your happiness will overflow to others. It won't be the results of a "work" on your part; but an outcome of the joy you have found. Perhaps it is time that you care for yourself---make yourself a priority.
    Best wishes, Karen
  7. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    Yes I think the abuse has alot to do with bringing out Fibro and CFS. I was physically and emotionally aboused also as a child. More so emotionally. Like you arent ever going to amount to anything, I wish you werent born. Things like that can do such damage to a child.

    I have learned to cope with it, deal with it, put it in the past where it belongs. Its taken some time, its hard to get over it to the point of being able to live a fruitfull, happy life.

    I call it taking the trash out. I just let it go. Get on with it. Sometimes talking about it with a friend, counsellor, it helps.

    I wish you well..

    Sunshyne
  8. Girlof41

    Girlof41 New Member

    Lately, I experience triggers while talking in everyday situations, I don't realize it'a trigger till it's too late. I have three teens, one entering colleg next year, so no extra money for therapy. It is good that I have chosen to live miles away from my parents.A few years ago, I quietly brought up the fact that I felt bad as a child, they quickly verbally ganged up at me.My marriage isn't very good right now, my husband has been sick for 2 years, better but still not right, I gave all my attention to him, and I know he dosen't realize the sacrifice I made being at his side continually for six months. So, I am the one broken down, and he's tells me if I have a better attitude about things, I'll feel better, so no support there.I have not had my share of good friends, I am not a whiner so people assume I've got it together , but really I am hanging on a thread. So thanks for listening. You are all so kind.
  9. Betty50victor

    Betty50victor New Member

    with women that I've met aound my age, 48. My functing alcoholic father ( which is a word I don't use) beat mother and all 4 kids if we breathed wrong. I remember a knife when he'd come to my room. I even tried switching beds with my 3 yr. younger sister but he always found me. Guess that's why I've SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE trying to be perfect in all I do and am (still) having problems telling men no! Guess it does stem from way back when I was 6 and older. Well, I'm fighting it but I'm gonna do my damnest to start caring for myself for the first time in my life. I don't really have friends. Only 1 that I can talk to and count on. I'm just plain tired of trying to please everyone else. I've alwasy felt inferior to all females. Alwasy feel they are better than me. I'm kind of tomboy type, not frilly. I'd like to be but just don't feel comfortable.
    Well, along with the fibro and the above mentioned crap I just feel like a basket case. But, Im gonna try to change.
    Hopefully I can secede. Only time will tell. Just wish I could meet a nice guy ( and i have ) and be comfortable with him and not feel like I have to give him sex cause he does something nice for me. I tried therapy but they won't let us talk about the past. Just about the future and what we could change to better ourselfs. Don't know how that can help without first addressing the problem.
    well, gotta get some sleep. Have been running myself down terribly packing for my move on Sat. morn.
    Thanks for this post. it really does help. Love, Betty
  10. dndoriginal

    dndoriginal Guest

    Hi, (I just hope I'm not too scattered to get this out.)

    I lived the abuse in all it's ugly forms. I have always been a problem solver (everyone else's but mine) until now. My immediate family will not accept my illnesses and frankly never did. I am probably one of the few that have likely had FM and CFS combined with PTSD since I was a young child. It is only now after years of research that I am quite sure that the abuse I suffered for 18years is probably the reason I have FM and certainly PTSD. Yes my father beat me until I got sick and now at 40yrs old I am permantly disabled. I left my "Blood Family" behind and I am slowly building a new family. One that loves me inspite of all that I can no longer do. Let go of trying to please everyone except yourself. I truely believe that we as indivduals are the ONLY ones that are capable of pleasing ourselves. Let go of what you think "they " want and focus on what makes you feel better. You should never feel guilty about trying to take care of yourself, even if that means you push away from the "non-supporters" and their lofty expections that they have unjustly dumped into your lap. Let them find someone else, because you no longer take the responsibility for their needs. Don't even try to explain what you're doing because they are to selfish to understand anyway. Cut your losses and look to your future without the weight of their burdens. I'll tell you now, most likely they will not understand, but that is ok. You don't owe them an explination, you do not owe them anything! Tell them to find their own shrink. I have a poem I wrote a few years ago and if you would like I would love to share it with you. Write me back if you like,anytime. my email: dndoriginal@email.com
    Take Care, You're not alone
    Deanna
  11. Girlof41

    Girlof41 New Member

    All of what you said is true, trying to please everyone, and people wailing away with their problems and compaints and I never bringing up my own problems and no one asking how I am. I just don't know how not to please anyone, I can't see the difference, only that when I do something for someone it lessens my guilt.My abuse was constant, and my mother was just as bad as my father, I think even worse, she had it in for me since I was very small, and I heard the same things most of you heard,you're no good, you'll never amount to anything, why can't you be like so and so, I wish you were never born, and lots of neglect and beatings. This is the first time I have really confronted this. I have never spoke to anyone about these experiences except my husband .So I became an overacheiver and still am, people tell me I don't know how you do it, and my fatigue has made me old and tired, yet I still push myself. Oh well, enough for today.
    It's nice to know that I', not crazy or making too much out of it.
    Thank you!!!!!
  12. Scoobsmom

    Scoobsmom New Member

    Yep, me too with the emotional abuse growing up. I can relate to you and understand completely. My neurologist confirms that sexual/emotional/abuse does have a connection to fms. I will continue to pray for you and ask for these scars to be healed in your heart. I will also pray for the joy to shown to your heart...God bless.BARB
  13. SAS

    SAS New Member

    I am a girl of 52, and also come from extreme abuse. It never ceases to amaze me how many of us with FMS and CFIDS have this situation in common. It is very important that you get help. You need some emotional outlet. Look in your newspaper for groups that meet. I know in my area there are several (Western Massachusetts) groups meeting for support of each other. It is great for those who cannot afford to pay a therapist.

    Also, check with your local Hospital or Department of Mental Health. There may be a way for you to see someone that wouldn't injur your pocketbook.

    We are like survivors of war. I believe we all suffer from the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Just think about it. We were totally helpless to defend ourselves!

    Another helpful thing is to check out your local library. There are many wonderful books about this subject, and I know when I read about someone else's experiences it helps me to not feel so alone.

    Be sure your doctor knows about all of this. Medication may be called for, and he or she may also be able to help you find support in the form of therapy (group or individual).

    I wish you the very best of luck and i pray God hold you in his heart.
    Shirley
  14. contessa

    contessa New Member

    I even take atenol (beta-blocker) which help with blood pressure. I asked for it specifically because it stops the adrenelin response (fight or flight) in me. Also on Klonopin now. Any sign of stress and I crawl into a hole and hide. Unfortunately for me, I have to crawl out and face my demons eventually. My triggers are financial shame (having grown up poor) and bullies (familiar reminders). Bill collectors can be the worst bullies. But I've gotten thru the worst of them in the past couple of years. I always do solve it to my advantage but oh, the pain along the way. I'm convinced I'm going to die each time. Then I ask for help from my grandparents (what would they do/how can they help from the other side) and it always works out. Maybe not the way I would have picked, but it works out the way it needs to. I suppose that's the better thing. Yep, I forgive my abuser, but you never forget internally. Darn those hot buttons. ANd yes, I'm also a 'pleaser' that is learning to please myself first, and the rest get what's left. Don't intend to sound selfish - I'm not. I do have limited energy and time resources as well as emotional needs that need quiet time and recovery. Be good to yourself. And it you have to put your foot down, make certain your other foot isn't in the way!!
  15. froggy

    froggy New Member

    to have abuse in your past with these DD's. I too suffered from molestaion, verbal,emotional abuse ( some very sick things happened ) for many years from a half-brother (if you want to call him that)<B> Animal </B> is more like it- I kind of buried it till I was 45 and things in my life were getting out of control-or as I though they were-and it all came out-flash backs started and I really though I was losing my mind, that this could not have happened to me-I even took off and for 5 day's no one new were I was- well 2 yrs. and a very good therpys( the 2nd one I went to-the 1st didn't work ) help me learn that I was not at fault at what happened to me and that it was OK not to forgive him-he of couse has no remorse, says that I wanted it just as much as him-and this is why we try to please every one but our self-we think we are doing it to please ourself but not true, we do it to satifiy that need for love- as they say - looking for love in all the wrong places- we also use sex because we feel that it will bring us the love and caring we need, but with therpy we find out that we don't have to do that. there I go off in never land, any way PLEASE check with your Mental health-or if you have a abuse hot line in your city use it- talking with the right people will help you-and forget the one's that don't care or don't want to listen-shout it to the world, someone will listen and help! I also know about spouses who think that it's your problem not theirs-have one- therpy will help with that too, I also know it's easier said than done-but you have to do it foryour self-not for any one else. If you would like to chat you can email me, I will help any way I can.



    Peace & Love Jan
    [This Message was Edited on 10/17/2002]
    [This Message was Edited on 10/18/2002]
  16. Girlof41

    Girlof41 New Member

    there has to be abused people walking around everyday, but I only have met many who have had charming childhoods and are in love with their family. I think we are a minority, but for a while last year I tried talking to a few friends a little at a time about my experience, and they blew it off, it couldn't be that bad. Recently,I managed to confide in someone who is a real gem andshe told me that it was a miracle that I am who I am, whatever that means, but lately my triggers have been seeing young families and how well they get along ( I work in a church so I observe lots of people) and I freeze up. I was a great mother when my kids were younger, but as a family my husband has had 3 major surgeries and now has chronic leukemia which is steady now and my family life is not where it use to be. Plus now the fatigue and all. My husband, who has great faith tells me I need an attitude adjustment,his parents loved him, how could he know what it is like to be punched in the face for no reason as a child? So right now, my plan is to find inner peace in myself and shut out everyone else's problems and slowly heal me and avoid possible triggers.I do sound like a mess.
  17. Scoobsmom

    Scoobsmom New Member

    I too have noticed that others do not want to be "bothered" by us who may need to be transparent and geniune. I begin to wonder how many truly have the peachy life they claim to. I have noticed since sharing in my church to people whom I thought were their to be prayer warriors, have all of a sudden choosen not to come around my family too often, and when they do, it's a quick, gotta hurry type of thing. I asked my wonderful husband if I have complained too much or something, and he stated that asking in the presence of elders who are there for the purpose of prayer to pray for me is not complaining... Oh well, again, I feel rejection probally much more than some other ladies because of the emotional abuse during my entire childhood. I do not know, I just know that I praise God for the husband and beautiful child that He has blessed me with and look forward and not behind. I have hope that God will bring those geniune friends when He chooses. I have chosen not to share as much with the people now, and it does not feel "real" but... again this website helps...I trust it also gives you encouragement! God bless..BARB
  18. contessa

    contessa New Member

    You must find a way to talk through your pain and grow beyond it. Being in the church is all the harder because the church has preconcepcions of what you should be. A good social worker/counselor can help you pull up your demons and confront them. Talking to a trained 'stranger' also helps because they aren't there to judge you. They're available to help you. Most areas have counseling that is based on income. Without insurance they are fee-based on income. My first counseling was a university study, the second only cost me $2.00 per meeting. Please find help outside the family. It's easier because when the family is part of the problem it relieves you of the guilt of talking about them. Eventually, you can bring hubbie into your sessions with you. Faith helps but God put other people on earth as well to help us when needed. Good luck.
  19. Flamingo

    Flamingo New Member

    Hey Girl!
    I am really feeling ya! I am sure we have all felt abused one way or another!! Some folks would never admit it! I am an only child and both of my parents tried to give me anything and everything they could! We were poor but they did the best they could. My abuse came from a husband that was always sick!! I was manipulated into "always being there". I always felt guilty when I started to think about myself--he needed me! I would see people that were happy and I would cry! I wanted to be like them! One day something just hit me like a ton of bricks....I want to be happy! Well, it was a real tough battle but, I got rid of the DH and tried my hardest to take care of me!!! I still have pain, bills and problems but, I get up in the morning and thank God for giving me another day of life! I don't post here very often, but, I think we can all work together and work this out! You are very special and need to treat yourself that way! Write anytime!
    Peace, Flamingo
  20. Information

    Information New Member

    There are a number of studies on the effects of abuse on brain function. It is also pretty well known that abuse predisposes people to certain auto-immune illnesses. I think this is somehow connected to the physical (adrenal) mechanisms of PTSD. My early PTSD from child abuse appears to be triggered by things in my daily life directly related to my CFS, FM and chemical sensitivities. I think people with this constellation of illnesses are very much like battered women or battered children, never knowing when they will be hit with the pain, always in fear of it, and unable to control it. For me, nothing provokes really unbearable anxiety like the lack of control (this happens also to be true of all the mice tested by Hans Selye), and the flood of stress hormones and resulting adrenal deficiency always make symptoms worse. PTSD seems to be almost impossible to treat, although EMDR does seem to work. It definitely helps me, although each new terrifying pain or reaction typically undoes whatever I have accomplished. I feel as if I am in a maze and the only thing that gives me hope is knowing that if there was a way in, there must surely be way out. --Jo