chocalot..married daughter estranged too..so painful!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jan a., Nov 9, 2002.

  1. jan a.

    jan a. New Member

    dear chocalot and anyone else who can relate....I read your post about christmas and when you said after your son married he no longer had anything to do with you...well Im going through the same thing with my daughter...since she married 4 years ago she has spent no birhtdays, holdays or any days with us...she wont even call on the phone..sometimes Ill get an e-mail , but its just short and sweet and sometimes not even that...I havent seen her physically for 2 1/2 years and she only lives 45 minutes away...her husband rules her life though she constantly says he dosent...he completly controls her...they go to is family all the time and have nothing to do with us...we were always a close family doing everything together and she used to always hug me and tell me she loved me...now shes gone from our lives..I have 2 other sons...she is the middle child..not a child but 35 years old...its the most painful thing I have ever gone through so I know how you feel...your son being your only child is even a worse betrayel because he knows your really alone without him as far as a family unit goes..what in the world causes this to happen? I think her husband is so insecure he couldnt stand her giving us so much atention...he dosent want to share her so he said we were bad for her...its so bad that I dont even know how to fix it if by some miracle she came back to our lives...shes said so many hurtful things to us...being sick with cfids is enough to deal with and our children should be helping us not hurting us...when I have an encounter with her by letter etc and if its bad I get very sick (flareup) for days or even weeks after...Ive gotton better with my feelings, not crying all the time like I used to , Im more mad now and I like that better because it dosent hurt so bad....I wish you better days and hope he smartens up to what hes done to you and himself and I hope my situation changes someday too before its too late....from one abandoned parent to another...jan a.
  2. jan a.

    jan a. New Member

    dear chocalot and anyone else who can relate....I read your post about christmas and when you said after your son married he no longer had anything to do with you...well Im going through the same thing with my daughter...since she married 4 years ago she has spent no birhtdays, holdays or any days with us...she wont even call on the phone..sometimes Ill get an e-mail , but its just short and sweet and sometimes not even that...I havent seen her physically for 2 1/2 years and she only lives 45 minutes away...her husband rules her life though she constantly says he dosent...he completly controls her...they go to is family all the time and have nothing to do with us...we were always a close family doing everything together and she used to always hug me and tell me she loved me...now shes gone from our lives..I have 2 other sons...she is the middle child..not a child but 35 years old...its the most painful thing I have ever gone through so I know how you feel...your son being your only child is even a worse betrayel because he knows your really alone without him as far as a family unit goes..what in the world causes this to happen? I think her husband is so insecure he couldnt stand her giving us so much atention...he dosent want to share her so he said we were bad for her...its so bad that I dont even know how to fix it if by some miracle she came back to our lives...shes said so many hurtful things to us...being sick with cfids is enough to deal with and our children should be helping us not hurting us...when I have an encounter with her by letter etc and if its bad I get very sick (flareup) for days or even weeks after...Ive gotton better with my feelings, not crying all the time like I used to , Im more mad now and I like that better because it dosent hurt so bad....I wish you better days and hope he smartens up to what hes done to you and himself and I hope my situation changes someday too before its too late....from one abandoned parent to another...jan a.
  3. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    Many of us have these problems with children these days. It seem to be the 'thing to do', getting away from their parents and clinging to the spouses family!

    I am always invited to there parties,and what nots, but a 150 mile round trip is not a pleasure for me.

    We are a small family, husband and three kids, two grandchildren. We see my sons seldom, they also quit coming on MOthers day, and birthdays. We only see them on Christmas, and the closest son(the used to be Mama's boy, and the rotten egg kid!), I see maybe twice a year. The eldest son does my grounds (I pay him), so I see him at least every two weeks in the summer months. My granddaughter(his daughter) I see seldom.

    My daughter is close, and I hear from her the most.

    Children are not as family oriented as we were! They always have the excuse the are 'busy', I simply learned to live it without getting all my feathers ruffled anymore. I only made my self sick, not them! As long as they are healthy and working, thats good enough for me.

    My attiutde is, they are cheating themselves, not me. If they come, thats fine, if not thats alright too!

    Try ignoring them for awhile, that usually gets to them.

    I did not call my son in two months, he was here this week. I just acted like he came every week, instead of getting aggressive about it.

    My grandson is 16, and now driving, so I see him often and we use the IM a lot. My granddaughter and I don't get along too well, she is a spoiled brat, and I refuse to cater to her whims, so she considers me 'mean', which is fine too!

    HOpe this helps a little, at least you are not alone, and you do have your husband. I told my kids, that I lived without them before they were born, and I can live without them now!

    I am a person that does not need company to be happy, I like my own company and keep myself busy, and when my husband is home (he works for an oil company and is away a lot) we do all the things that we didn't do when the kids were here! Plus the holidays we eat out, and thats great with me too, no more working for three days to have a meal for the kids.

    Shalom, Shirl


    [This Message was Edited on 11/09/2002]
  4. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Had not spoken to his daughter in more than a year. If I ever had a problem with my kids, I would fly, drive, hitchhike, whatever and confront the issue until it was resolved. There is always more to these things than appears on the surface. Family counseling is often very helpful. Sometimes children harbor old resentments and pull away from their parents during their 30's. Parents, not wanting to intrude in their children's lives just let it happen without trying to do anything about it other than sit by sadly and grieve.

    Maybe it's just my personality, but I wouldn't stand still for it. It would get resolved one way or another, and it might stir up a lot of anger and hurt, but by God, it would get out in the open and dealt with.

    My children were horrified that my friend just let his daughter and her husband go for more than a year without speaking. It was stubborn pride on both parts. My kids know that if something like what sparked my friend's problem happened to us, I would be at their door before they could stop speaking to me. It takes only one party to withdraw from a relationship, but it takes both to keep from addressing the issues. Someone has got to start and make the first move. How much worse could things get if you were to confront these kids? You're already estranged.

    God bless you and I pray that you are able to mend these rifts, because no one lives forever and to lose a child or parent under these circumstances will inflict a life-long wound that never heals.

    Love, Mikie
  5. jan a.

    jan a. New Member

    please understand that I have not passivly sat by and let this happen...If I wrote the whole story it would take pages and bore everyone....but let me say it started when she broke off an engagement with another guy in march and was engaged to her now husband in september the same year...I asked her if she wanted a wedding and she said yes...her fiancee was in houston (been transferred) from florida where we live...she called me in october to go with her to get a gown which I offered to buy her, for a february wedding(not much time to plan) we spent the whole day shopping and got a beautiful gown, looked at reception places , even picked out the cake since we had christmas looming ahead of us and wanted to get it all done as best we could...we went out other days to get other things needed for a small wedding...we had so much fun and she was her lovable self...her fiancee came home for thanksgiving and she came over to see us alone and said the wedding was off, and they were going to just go to houston and get married by a judge..no family or friends...he even picked out her dress to wear...well we couldnt argue it was her life but asked her if she would have the ceremony in our house at christmas since her brothers would be here from out of state..she said no they made their plans...my father died and was buried christmas eve and I could not go to houston a week later, no money and very depressed by all the happenings with my father..besides they didnt invite us...they left for houston and married new years eve with his brother there who lives there at the ceremony only...that was the beginning.of dumping our family..I spoke to her on the phone often and she sounded unhappy but okay..after 2 years they moved back and she couldnt stop hugging me..they got an apt. and she had a very stressful job and had an anxiety attack and emotional breakdown...went to the ER and they sent her home but her husband took her to his families house 1 1/2 hours away and when I called there he told me Id have to call him at work to see how she was..that was the beginning of the end ...she went on antidepressants and got much better but when I tried to talk with her she was a different person...I had her meet with me and I questioned her how she was and she was mean and nasty and defensive of her husband who I never even mentioned and said horrible things to me, accused me of things that were not even true(dont know where it came from) and even attacked her brother who she dearly loved...so after my constant sending her cards of love and never arguing with her since I figured she wasnt well , nothing worked..on the phone she attacked me saying horrible things..you cant reason with someone who is like this..she is in therapy but still wont come around...she will write nice notes, saying "I miss you and love you" but wont see us..everyone says shes in a controlling enviroment and all we can do is hope she finally gets a grip and breaks loose...there is so much more but its not necessary to go on...but dont think Im just sitting by and let this happen...I fought tooth and nail and Im too sick for this anymore and had to let it go...my husband says its over for now..its in her court...I love my daughter and have not just done nothing to get it resolved.please try to understand you dont know unless youve been in mine and others who are going through its shoes..I appreciate your input and know you mean well...thanks ..I now this board is made up of caring wonderful people who we all share a common theme of illness and pain and when there are outside stressors on top of it its unbearable...I admire all the love you give each other...its great and so helpful...much love..jan a.
  6. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    I understand. This is one reason that I wrote the thread about Christmas. It is very hard, isn't it? I just don't have the energy to keep fighting my kids about their lack of concern. Bless you and yours,
    Kady
  7. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I'm sorry if I sound like I assumed that you had done nothing to fix this situation. It sounds as though your daughter is very vulnerable and in a marriage with a very controlling individual. You have done everything you can and I agree with you that your daughter is not well. Hopefully, her therapy will help her to see her situation.

    The first thing that controlling and abusive men do to women is try to isolate them from their families. They are very manipulative and brainwash their victims until they have no self-esteem left to assert their rights. I pray that your daughter is able to break away from this man and his toxic effect on her and on your relationship.

    Love, Mikie
  8. jan a.

    jan a. New Member

    thanks for your reply...you hit the nail on the head about brainwashing etc...she even gave up her old girlfriends....thanks for your insight....very true...jan a.
  9. jan a.

    jan a. New Member

    thanks for your thread on christmas...it let me know Im not alone in this problem....thhis generation sure is different from ours....my mother was not perfect and said things that annoyed me but I loved her to death and styed by her side until her death....my father also...they were our parents...the most important people to us and so respected for that....I always called them to see how they were and didnt feel like it was some big burden to do so...It was the natural thing to do...I constantly hear from friends how their kids dont seem to care when grown up, even forgetting my one friends birthday..so sad...family should be everything..oh well what can we do but hope and pray for the best..thanks..jan a.
  10. Tibbie

    Tibbie New Member

    Boy can I ever relate to this. I haven't seen my son for several years. According to him, I "ruined his life." He is now almost 28 years old. He lives and works within 30 minutes from me. He's very materialistic and selfish. His younger brother (24) is the most loving person a mother could ever want. Same father for both kids too.I brought them up to the best of my ability. My life wasn't always perfect, and I did make mistakes. He claims to be a good Christian, but he won't forgive.
    I don't contact him. The last time I went to his place of work, he told me that if I came back, he would get a restraining order against me.
    All holidays, birthday's, etc. are very hard. I try not to dwell on these. It's his loss.
    Thanks for letting me spout off.
    Tibbie