:-) comedic relief (OT?) ...or maybe not?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by illroy, Jul 10, 2009.

  1. illroy

    illroy Member


    This site has continually updated selections of funny, irreverent, off-the-wall tweets. It's effective antistress for short attention spans, IMO. Click on Yesterday for the most popular. Click on avatars for more selected tweets by that person. The site is uncensored, so I guess nobody here would be interested. Right? :) I neglected to copy the authors names. My apologies to these unsung Shakespeares. Examples:

    Feeling poorly? You might have circulation problems in your hands.

    Gonna head to the chopping mall later and pick out the biggest machete they have. Then I'll be getting some respect around here.

    Geez, you guys are starting to make sense. You know what that means: time to up my meds.

    GUESS WHO JUST GOT A PRESCRiption to ambibzznmm

    What doesn't kill you makes you swear more.

    Financial whoas.

    Was told today is my 2yr twitter anniversary. I didn't know what to do with it the first year, but look at me now. Oh god. Look at me now.

    Could you imagine how lame twitter would be if people only answered the question "What are you doing?"


    People who don't know much and know they don't know much are smarter than people who don't know much and don't know they don't know much.

    I think if I could have one superpower, I'd just want to make girls smile. Nah, I already have that one! I'd want lobster claw hands.

    New research by Australian scientists suggests men should have sex daily. This contradicts prior research done by women.

    Today I learned that adults can play in the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese's if you just stop crying and put the knife down.

    My bed is calling me. And trust me, no matter what the salesman says, that's an unnecessary and obnoxious bed feature.


    [This Message was Edited on 07/24/2009]
  2. SpecialK82

    SpecialK82 New Member

  3. JimB51

    JimB51 Member

    I checked the site. Posting a few more here (and edited a couple) Jim

    Feeling poorly? You might have circulation problems in your hands.
    ( I finally understood this joke after going back and reading it 3 times).

    Was told today is my 2yr twitter anniversary.
    I didn't know what to do with it the first year, but look at me now.
    Oh my gosh... Look at me now ... and ... Look at me now .. and

    Could you imagine how lame twitter would be if people only answered the question "What are you doing?"

    Will we really see all our old pets in Heaven?
    Because, my wife's poodle "Lttle Puffy", well ... he didn't exactly die of natural causes.


    I'll keep my guns, my money & my freedom
    you can keep the 'change'
  4. illroy

    illroy Member

    How many members does it take to change a lightbulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

    1 to move it to the Lighting section

    2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

    6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

    4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

    13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

    Related: The Argument Clinic, from Monty's Flying Python Circus


    Roy ;-)
    [This Message was Edited on 07/19/2009]
  5. frickly

    frickly New Member

    That one made me laugh out loud. I also puts things into perspective dosn't it?

  6. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I'm so old they didn't have light bulbs jokes when I was a kid.

    Or silly putty, or computers, or cake mixes, or automatic transmissions,
    or detergents or atomic bombs or ball point pens.

    What are tweet and twitter anyhoo? Are they messages or the gadgets you
    use to send them?

  7. illroy

    illroy Member

    Sorry Kina, I'm just not that bright anymore, yaknow.

    Geez Rock, no cake mixes? You could have been Betty Crocker.

    Meanwhile, back in the real world of miscommunications (sure glad that NEVER happens here):

    spotted in a toilet of a london office:
    toilet out of order. please use floor below

    in a laundromat:
    automatic washing machines:
    please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

    in a london department store:
    bargain basement upstairs

    in an office:
    would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
    please bring it back or further steps will be taken

    in an office:
    after tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

    outside a secondhand shop:
    we exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc.
    why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

    notice in health food shop window:
    closed due to illness

    spotted in a safari park:
    elephants please stay in your car

    seen during a conference:
    for anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor

    notice in a field:
    the farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,but the bull charges

    message on a leaflet:
    if you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

    on a repair shop door:
    we can repair anything.(please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

    Unrelated: Buzz Aldrin is on Twitter. Happy anniversary, first men on the moon. I haven't heard his rap music with Snoop Dogg...?
    "Had a nice time at US Embassy tonight in London celebrating Independence Day. Funny that the Brits like to celebrate it too at pubs here"

    I wanted to be in the space program and try for those high rides. CFS at age 16 the year after that first moon landing prevented that possibility.

  8. illroy

    illroy Member

    thanks Jean, I didn't know that. I've got some other jokes saved that are definitely off topic. I'll try to start a thread there soon.

    Lymenet has a joke thread of five long pages at:


    Or: http://tinyurl.com/mhshmr

    So, just a few bumper stickers before switching to the chitchat board...

    Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

    Just say NO to negativity

    I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

    When life hands you gators, make Gatorade.

    I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

    Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).

    The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.

    I feel better after I wine a little.

    I'm still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.

    National Spellling Bee Runer-Up

    The Moral Majority is neither.

    Dyslexics Untie!

    Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!

    I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy.

    When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

    In case of rapture, can I have your car?

    I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.

    I poke badgers with spoons.

    Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

    Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

    Black holes are where God divided by zero.

    Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.

    I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

    Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!

    Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

    That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.

    If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!

    So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

    Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.

    I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

    Excess is never too much in moderation.

    My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.

    To err is human, to moo bovine.

    Think globally, Act galactically.

    My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

    If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

    Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

    Don't believe everything you think.

    Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

    Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

    Life is short. So buy the shoes!

    Never believe generalizations.

    The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

    I don't think, therefore I am not.

    Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

    Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.

    Avoid alliterations always.

    Dyslexics are teople poo.

    Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

    What would Ashton do?

    Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.

    An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

    This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

    When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

    What would Gandalf do?

    Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

    Double your drive space. Delete Windows.

    Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

    If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.

    Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).

    My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.

    MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

    I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

    The control key on the keyboard does not work.

    The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

    Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

    Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

    Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.

    Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.

    Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

    If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?

    Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.

    Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.

    What wouldn't Jesus do?

    If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

    People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

    Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

    The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

    Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.

    I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.

    So many cats, so few recipes.

    Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

    Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

    Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

    Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

    On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

    On your mark, get set, go away!

    What would Scooby do?

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!

    I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

    My drinking team has a bowling problem. (thanks to Bromond)

    Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

    I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.

    If you can read this, you're not the president.

    To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

    Liberal Arts major: will think for food.

    Visualize Whirled Peas

    If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!

    Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

    I didn't climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

    Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

    Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

    What we need is a patch for stupidity!

    Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it !

    Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.

    Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

    I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

    If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.

    Procrastinate now.

    The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

    Rehab is for quitters.

    My dog can lick anyone!

    I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?

    Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

    Do they ever shut up on your planet?

    If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?

    All men are idiots, and I married their King.

    West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.

    I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!

    I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

    The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.

    NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

    Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

    Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    You - Off my planet.

    If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

    I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

    Allow me to introduce my selves.

    Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

    I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

    There's no place like

    I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

    I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

    You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

    Earth is full. Go home.

    Is it time for your medication or mine?

    Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    Getting on your feet </c/?/conversions.asp> means getting off your butt.

    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

    If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

    First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

    In dog years, I'm dead!

    South Korea's got Seoul!

    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

    The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

    God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

    IRS: Be Audit You Can Be

    My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

    Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

    (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

    Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

    I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

    Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

    A day without sunshine is like night.

    First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

    Old age comes at a bad time.

    If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?

    In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

    Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

    Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

    So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

    I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

    I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

    Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

    Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

    Without ME, it's just AWESO.

    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

    Life would be easier if I had the source code.

    Hang up and drive.

    Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

    God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

    I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

    Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

    I fish, therefore I lie.

    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

    Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

    If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

    Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

    Honk If you want to see my finger.

    God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

    I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

    Keep honking while I reload.

    Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

    Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

    EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

    If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

    Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

    Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

    Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

    My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

    Constipation causes people not to give a crap.

    Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!

    Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

    Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

    Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

    What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?

    If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

    Driver carries no cash. He's married.

    All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

    Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

    If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

    Watch out for the idiot behind me.

    I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!

    So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.

    Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

    I have the body of a god. Buddha.

    In case of rapture, can I have your car?

    Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

    I doubt, therefore I might be.

    Your stupid!

    When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

    Don't bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.

    Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

    Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

    If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

    Thank God I'm an atheist.

    Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

    Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

    New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.

    Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

    If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.

    Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

    Worry. God knows all about you.

    I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!

    Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!

    Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking!

    Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

    Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.

    Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition