Coming back from Hell.....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kmelodyg, Mar 9, 2007.

  1. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    Hello everyone! Its been three years since the last time I was here. I am 28 now, and alot has happened.

    I was diagnosed with FMS at 25, was unemployed, bed-ridden, and living with my (also bed-ridden & disabled) mother. The anxiety and depression developed into Agoraphobia. My doctor over-drugged me, misdiagnosed me with Bi-Polar, and it all sent me into a psychotic state. I was constantly sleeping, depressed, in pain, lonely, and fighting suicidal thoughts everyday.

    Unfortunatly, my story is not all wine and roses. It seems like I'm about to go into a story of rehabilitaion and healing, right?

    I found Cocaine. It has destroyed my life. It gave me the energy I lost from the FM, and the pain relief.

    Years ago, my doctor had me on Methadone for the pain, as well as dozens of other drugs. My mother and doctor both suspected me of my extra-curriclars, and set me up. He gave me a blood test one day, and found the cocaine. Instantly, he cut me off all prescriptions, and sent me to a rehab. I talked myself out of the hospital that night, and went home. Angered by the set up by my mother and Dr, I moved out the next day, and begun detoxing off everything all by myself. Not smart, I know. Nor was it fun.

    Over the years, I managed to find doctors who would prescribe me some pain killers, and I learned to self-medicate with various other drugs and alcohol to function or get high, to mask the pain.

    I have hit rock bottom again and again. Attempted suicide in 11/05, went to rehab for 1 1/2 days, and went back to the same patterns. When I went to rehab, they refused to even give me my non-narcotic script of Ultram, which sent my FMS out of control.

    Have had to buy stronger pain killers on the street, which eats up all of my money. I signed up to get on a waiting list for a Methadone clinic in 12/06, and finally went in this week for an evaluation. Hopefully in a week or two, I should get in.

    I will have to go to meetings, be randomly drug tested, and be accountable in order to get my daily dose of Methadone. I have to go to the clinic every morning between 6-9 AM. But I think this is my best option. No other doctor will give me a script strong enough that allows me to function, with limited pain. And I know that i cannot stay away from the other drugs unless I am being watched.

    This is the first time I have been able to say all of this stuff, so I hope that I will not be ridiculed for it.

    Its been a very long, dark, road.....

  2. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    I am soooooooo proud of you and happy for you :) wb
  3. pw7575

    pw7575 New Member

    You are making the right choice and I know that must have been very very hard for you. It is so great that you can finally say all of that. That in itself is a HUGE step. It means that you are taking this seriously and are ready to face it now.

    Keep up the good work. You should be proud of yourself for taking these steps. I hope you find your life in a much better place very soon.

    Take care and good luck!
  4. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    Thanks so much for the support. I need all I can get right now. This is no way to live, thats for sure. I'm finally getting the right kind of help that will help fix all of my issues at once. Well, most of them anyways. I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I would receive for talking about this. But now, I feel much better about it. Thanks again!
  5. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    I have been taking pain killers since I was 21. It has taken me 7 years to admit that I am addicted to them. My mother has alcohol and drug problems, as do many of my family members. I refused to believe that I could ever become addicted. I think that its a fine line between tolerance increasing, dependancy, and addiction. Everyone needs to try to be real with themselves about where they are with it all. It becomes extra difficult when you actually NEED these drugs to function! Like when I tried to go to rehab and they wouldn't let me even take the Ultram. I would've stayed otherwise. Its a shame. The whole situation!
  6. grace54

    grace54 New Member

    Thanks for sharing with us, you never know who you help in this world by your honesty. My heart goes out to you and others who have suffered so. I watched my sister go down the tubes with cocaine and alcohol and a friend who had been clean for years go back to the coke. I thank God I didn't start it as I might not be here as it is so enticing.

    I had my own various pain killers and through recovery I learned I had to deal with my abuse and childhood issues before the pain would cease. It has thanks to my help from God and a stong spiritual life and good friends. I will always have some scars but I have some joy today and my depression is tolerable. I suspect my past all contributed to trigger my fibro/fatigue. Keep up the good work my thoughts and prayers are with you.
  7. nightngale

    nightngale New Member

    Hi, I am new to this forum but found that it has been one of the best things to keep me going. Just knowing others are going through same types of issues, etc, helps more than I can say. My husband can only take so much in a day, so it is heaven sent to have a place to go to relate and read. Keep strong and do your best. One day at a time. I am in pain right now and trying to work on the next doctor appointments and keep going and going till I get help. I have finally found several good docs, just gotta find a few more! I take ultram also, and recently have a strong pain in top of right thigh, it used to help all my pain, but not this one. So off to the merry go roung of trying to get help. I will not abuse by meds, I just want some pain releif.
  8. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Stay strong, dear.

    I know a person right now who just went through exactly what you have done, only she is now serving 14 months in her state's women's prison.

    Her doctors/therapists there tell her that it is very important to NEVER take another narcotic medicine again -- or anything that has the potential for addiction.

    Once you are an addict -- you're always an addict. Taking or continuing to take addictive medication will only prolong your problem and/or return you to your same habits. (This includes drinking alcohol, even if drugs were your choice of addiction.) This is what she is being told.

    Bless you for all the way that you have come -- I know it's a long haul uphill.

    Good luck in the future.
  9. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    You are just one example of what this illness can do to someone. Some people have the chemical make-up in their system are are more prone to addiction which is an illness of its own.

    I am sorry you have been through so much at your young age but I know you realize that each day is a new beginning.

    You have learned alot through your pain and in some ways stronger for it - bless you.

    Many of us are on prescription meds and tolerant or addicted - it happens.

    At this time I sincerely hope you have a good support system around you, groups you attend and coming here - just as much help as you can get.

    I had a experience with my fibro a few years ago when the doctor put me on MS Contin. After being bedridden and housebound for 5 years or so, I was up and moving.

    I was on 30 mg twice a day but after 9 months I could not handle the side effects, plus I was developing tolerance and the meds were wearing off several hours too soon.

    Originally I vowed not to increase the dosage mainly because of the side effects - so at that time I transitioned to Subutex to get off the opiates and avoid withdrawals.

    I have stayed on a maintenance dose of Subutex for 2 years because it treats my fibro pain. Subutex is a mild opiate but you never increase the dose. You don't get any high feeling from it, or tolerance. You dissolve it under the tongue. Anyway, I don't like to take anything, but this worked for me.

    The other day my pain doctor reminded me I will never recover from fibro. He was kind of irritated because I was asking about going off Subutex. He reminded me if I don't take it, what will I do for pain... the alternatives are worse.

    You have been through hell I am sure, my heart goes out to you.

    No one here will ridicule you, in fact you have alot of courage to talk about this and I respect you for it.

    Please remember who you are, (and who you are not). You are not a bad person. You are someone who has to deal with a illness and needs help. Don't judge yourself.

    You know, the hardest thing is to forgive ourselves, but I am telling you - the past is gone and you now have a new life to begin. You can consider the past "painful lessons" and move forward.

    Take all the support you can get. Come here every day - you know it is here 24/7 - You are probably going to meetings, hopefully every day.

    Lastly - try not to let anyone pull you down. Be careful and protect yourself from anyone who will cause you stress or bad feelings. All of us here are in somewhat of a recovery and sometimes it involves recognizing, and staying away from "toxic" people in our lives.

    Your recovery is the priority right now. Come here and "vent" whenever you are upset about anything. I am sure you will have a nice group of people to support you.

    You know you will have up and down days but you have taken the most important step. You are so special.

    Years ago, I self medicated with alcohol. My fibro pain was so bad and the drinking worked but certainly did not help my health.

    I wound up going to AA meetings to support myself to stop drinking. I found the meetings to be very helpful and interesting. I remember meeting some of the nicest, most real people ever. At the same time, I saw some very bitter, angry, screwed up people.

    When you go to meetings, don't let any weird people bother you. Find a "sponsor" who will also be a good friend. The more support nets you create the better.

    I am sure you have read the "serenity prayer" but here it is again....

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    --Reinhold Niebuhr

    [This Message was Edited on 03/09/2007]
  10. raspberrykisses

    raspberrykisses New Member

    I've only been in this bad pain for 5-6 months. The pain I've been in for the last 5 years or so I've always been able to handle with over the counter medicines. I can tell you dealing with this pain I can see why you did what you did but it's great to know that you are doing what you can to come back to the real world. I say yay for you.
  11. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    Wow, it has been a long time, and a rough road for you. I want to thank you for being brave enough to share your story for us; I think that any of us who has struggled with a huge amount of pain that has gotten out of control could've been in your shoes. I will hope and pray that this program is the right one for you, and that you are able to stick with it and at the same time, have enough control of your pain that you have some kind of quality of life.

    In the end, that's what we all want, whether we go to understanding doctors willing to help us manage our pain, or end up doing what you did with street painkillers---we all just want some kind of quality of life. It doesn't seem like too much to ask, does it?

    I'm glad you are back, I do remember your screen ID, and reading posts from 3 years ago. My FM situation has improved a lot in the past years, but I got Leukemia last year. It's always something, right??!!

    Anyway, I wish you success on the next part of your journey, and know that a lot of people here will be pulling for you!

    Keep us posted---we wish you well!!!

  12. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    First of all. Pam D, I am so sorry to hear about your Leukemia. That is heartbreaking! My prayers go out to you!

    I am pretty beaten down at the moment, and didn't have faith that I would have been welcomed back with such loving arms as you all have shown me, considering what I have done. Thank you. I know, i should know better. You all helped me through that rough year that I was bedridden, 3 years ago.

    I did a search for "cocaine" on this site, and everything that was said was something along the lines of looking down on a friend or relative for being addicted to it. It's so hard to explain to people about how hard that is to hear.

    I sat down with my mother yesterday who is also a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict, and who also takes pain killers everyday for her grocery list of ailments. It was the first time I was able to be completly honest with her about what I am going through.

    It is like a huge weight has been lifted. Its going to take some time to fix all of the years of damage that has been done, but its the right thing to do.

    I hope that my sharing this will be able to help someone else out there that may be going through a similar situation. It takes a long time to admit that you have a problem. But its very real. The problem is is that we are in a catch 22. We have to depend on something for pain relief. This is going to be a helluva ride.

    Thanks again! All my love to you all....

  13. LuvBeinGran

    LuvBeinGran New Member

    I live in Torrance, CA, close to you I think. I am really suffering with fibro pain (as we all are) My doc won't give me anything stronger then Ultram, and that quit working. Could you tell me who you use locally for pain? I think you mentioned Rick Chavez once, not sure if he's pain or something else. THANK YOU!!!
  14. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    Sorry, I actually live in Upstate New York, not California.

    I had a physical last week at the Methadone Clinic, and was accepted into the program! I will be admitted tommorrow and will begin receiving my daily doses!

    I actually started a new job yesterday as well! Its a 4 hour per day part time job as a cashier, working 9 AM- 1PM, which will allow me to go to the clinic every morning and then work a few hours per day. I think it will be perfect!

    I'm actually starting to feel like I can get my life back in order. Its been so crazy for so many years, its such a relief to feel this change.

    Last Thursday I was told that I was accepted into the clinic, and was hired. I had a huge burst of energy that allowed me to do some major cleaning, organizing, and was able to catch up with some people I haven't spoken with in a long time. The next day, I had a horrible flare. I definatly overdid it physically, but also the release of all that stress caused a major mental and physical overload. I have found that release of built up stress can be just as hard on me as a new wave of stress. Strange, huh?

    So, this is going to be a HUGE week for me! Say some prayers for me! Thanks again everyone!
  15. lynnintn

    lynnintn New Member

    I have done the self-medication thing too. That is what happens when doctors ignore our pain. Everyone chooses their own way and cocaine is very tempting for someone to use when they are depressed. It temporarily lifts you up, gives you energy and mental clarity, but after abusing it for a while, it can permanently change the way your brain produces dopamine and serotonin. I am an RN and have even resorted to using cocaine before (several years ago) but it made my depression SO much worse I had to stop (I am bi-polar and also attempted suicide twice in 2005 and spent 3 months in the hospital). My husband is now a cocaine and hydrocodone addict and I am leaving him this week. This stuff can destroy your life.

    I think the methadone clinic is a great idea. It will give you accountability for your actions and hopefully will help the pain. I have worked with disabled folks for 15 years (until last year) and methadone works great for some. Please sever any "friendships" you have with cocaine and illegal drug users, as seeing them can cause triggers and drug-cravings.

    You are in my prayers and I am glad your suicide attempt was unsuccessful. God must have a few things left for you to do here.
  16. LACurrry

    LACurrry New Member

    WOW! My heart is with yours....and also with all the people that have had added difficulties with this DD. Good luck to you in your program! I wish all the best to all of you!
    [This Message was Edited on 03/27/2007]
  17. DeborahLynn

    DeborahLynn Member

    I have never taken anything stronger than Tylenol Arthritis (my rheumy told me to take it for pain, which, by the way, doesn't do a thing for the pain for me), and I keep asking my doctor to give me something stronger for the pain. He keeps giving me anti-depressants. After reading yours and others experiences, I am thinking twice about taking something stronger.

    You and everyone on this board are in my prayers. I have never been addicted to a drug, but on a much lesser level, I know I was addicted to evening t.v. Someone told me to try living without it for one week, and see if I didn't have withdrawels from it. They sure were right! I could hardly stand it. But now I have been without it for four years, and it does wonders for our family's health.

    I hope you don't feel I am trivializing your experience, because I certainly don't intend to, and I know your experience was hundreds of times more difficult than mine. I just wanted you to know that everyone has their own personal battles, and you don't need to feel ashamed or embarrased at all. We're all on the same level; we're all in the same boat. We are all in need of Divine help. And we can all find that help from God. He is my, and our, Helper!

    Hugs and prayers,
  18. dc1980

    dc1980 New Member

    It is so easy to try and self medicate when you are in pain, whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual pain. Right now you are on your way to recovery and I am so proud of you.

    Methadone is the only pain medication I have found to ease the Fibro pain. I have never try anything illegal but have had every narcotic pain medication out there. Going to a methadone clinic is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. I found an article and took it to my doctor about a woman who was taking methadone for her fibro and he felt that might help me also since we had tried just about every naracotic pain meds for the past two years. The first time I went to get my methadone filled, I felt awful but I had to get past that. At least you not be the one handling your meds at this time, which is a good thing. I at one point had to hand my meds over to my husband and he would only leave the amount of meds prescribed for that day with me because I was in just pain I figured if one pill made me feel better then two will make me feel great. (The great thinking of an addict)

    However, I have learned to respect my body and my illness and am able to take my meds as prescribed and yes it is a long road. You will get there too. (And yes my husband is allowed to count my meds at anytime...he has been so supportive though all of this)

    I am glad to see you are getting support also.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, God is with you and well as all these wonderful people on these boards.

    Not only to we understand, we can empathize with your situation.

    Good luck and Hang in there...

  19. BobinGermany

    BobinGermany New Member

    TOTALLY AWESOME that you have taken these steps to help yourself. You should feel very good about yourself for doing this as I know it is not an easy thing.

    Keep up the good work and keep us updated ok? As you probally already know there are alot of loving people here who will help you in any way that they can.

    God Bless,
  20. jmq

    jmq New Member

    my encouragement and support to you too. I have nothing but respect and I am in awe of your strength and courage. Please keep in touch with us. I am sure going back to work will be go slow and easy and know we are cheering for you.


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