Comparison From one year ago to now

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Greenbean7, Oct 2, 2006.

  1. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member



    This weekend really put some things in perspective for me.

    Last year, the first weekend of October, I was entered in a Rally Obedience show with my Golden Retriever, Rey. We qualified and received our first ribben for 3rd place. I had a wonderful time and had planned to keep training and going to shows with my sister.

    I had given up on agility training a couple months before because it was two physically demanding. Rally is simply walking with the dog and doing the tasks on the signs along the way.

    Saturday I went to the same show with my sister to watch her with her dog. I no longer practice with Rey. I no longer enter shows. And I no longer feel able to go to the shows. This is the only show I went to this year and only because my sister picked me up so I didn’t have to drive the 40 miles to get there.

    Just one year ago I had energy and much less pain. I enjoyed the show, walked all around the park, we even went down the day before to get the dogs used to the activity and walked all over the place that day, too. Other than a few sore muscles I had no problems afterward. We parked a long way away, probably close to a quarter mile, and walked to the show rings, back to the van for lunch, and back to the show rings again.

    This year was so different. It really brought home to me what this DD has stolen from me. We parked within 50 yards of the ring. My DS and her partner brought me a chair and set it up for me under a tree beside the show ring. I brought a little folding gardener’s stool that I carried with me everytime I left my lawn chair. If I had to wait somewhere I sat on the stool. I just can’t stand up very long.

    My sister slowed her walking pace to equal mine and held my arm while we walked. I’ve always been the strong one, the one who helped her physically and emotionally. Not anymore.

    While visiting with others at the show, I sat on my stool. While waiting in line to get a burger, I sat on my stool. Even while my sister bought bones at a vendor’s booth, I sat on my stool.

    I feel like I have lost so much. Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed. Today my left hip, thigh and leg are in horrible pain. I can’t even think of a superlative that describes it. I’m sitting in my office waiting for 12 so I can take another pain pill. I was awake most of the night because my leg hurt so bad.

    So, I’m sitting here in my office keeping busy and trying to keep my mind off the pain. It’s not working and I am crying in pain. I even took aspirin in the hopes that it would have some effect. Nothing.

    I feel so lost right now. I know I will feel better and I know so many of you deal with this feeling everyday. It's just that today I am feeling all this DD has stolen from me. Between that and the pain I am just not dealing well.

    You are the only people I can tell. The only ones who understand.

    Thank you for listening.

    Hugzz
    Greenbean

    Stop and smell the puppies!
  2. CanBrit

    CanBrit Member

    You know, I just typed a nice big response to you and then somehow magically deleted it!!!! And I'm supposed to be a computer geek. Go figure.

    I can identify with you right now. The last six weeks I've found really tough with this (these) condition(s). The weather has not been condusive to pain relief and I'm just so exhausted and tired of hurting.

    I'm sure things were better last year at this time, but I do remember having to use a cane for two months over Xmas and January.

    There is a part of us that we've lost and I think that from time to time we come face to face with it. I have moments when I think I'm handling everything fine and then I slip back to not wanting to accept everything.

    We'll get by though.....one day at a time. Hug your little puppies and I'll cuddle my cats.

    All the best,

    Eileen
  3. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    At least it was a beautiful weekend here in WA. I hope and pray that the week picks up for you and the pain goes away.....Terri
  4. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    I guess it's just the comparison. Like when you are letting your hair grow and don't really notice how long it's gotten. You see it everyday and just don't notice.

    Then you run into someone you haven't seen in several months and they exclaim over how long you're hair has gotten. You don't notice it yourself.

    Since I remember the show from last year so distinctly it really hit me hard this weekend. The difference in how I felt a year ago and how I feel now. I suppose there will be other events that bring it all home to me again. Almost wish my memory wasn't so good!

    Thank you for your support. I know I will feel better and I did make it until noon and then took another pain pill. Also sat in my car with the seat back and my foot up on the dash. Seems to have helped a little. Now back at work and no way to put it up.

    Hugzz
    Greenbean

    Stop and smell the puppies!
  5. Redwillow

    Redwillow New Member

    Aw Greenbean, sorry hun!

    I know how you feel. I have been feeling so lost and lonely lately.

    I am glad you are able to vent here. I don't like dumping on my family either as they have enough to deal with.

    Thank goodness for our puppies to give you a sloppy kiss and a cuddle whenever you need it.

    hugs Redwillow
  6. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    Donn - I'm in Washington, too. Central, the "dry" side!

    I'll have to look and see what the pressure is doing on this side.

    Hadn't thought about this feeling being grieving, but that sounds about right. Thank you for that insight.

    Hugzz
    Greenbean

    Stop and smell the puppies!
  7. angelstapleton

    angelstapleton New Member


    So sorry your not doing well. I can understand. Just last week a worte to every one how bad I feelt . I know it can be so hard. I hope your good will be tomorrow and please try to remember all that love you.
    Bless you in this time.wishing you the best
    Angel
  8. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Hon I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better, but I did want to tell you that there is hope.

    Last year at this time I was laying in bed thinking I was dying and not sure if I cared or not...

    My Mom had just died, I was too sick to go back and see her one more time (she was in the hospital for about 3 weeks).

    My daughter had been in multiple mental hospitals.....

    Fast forward to this year...

    Yesterday I mowed the lawn, did some other gardening, sewed 2 pairs of jammy pants for my ill niece, cooked dinner, showered.

    What a difference, so there is hope!!!!

    I've done so many things to make my life different, some small and some not so small. (I have a post on the changes I've made on my road to wellness)

    I'm so sorry I can't help you more but I do understand and offer many,

    (((((((((((((((Gentle Hugs))))))))))))))))))

    Nancy B
  9. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I am sorry you were not able to enjoy the show as you did last year. Congrats on your ribbon.

    Like Brookiesmom said there is hope. From April until early Aug I was sooo sick, just walking to my mail box 50 feet away was a major task.

    Then in Aug & Sept something changed and I got my energy back. Luckily my pain is under control with my meds, but at one point I wasn't able to get out of bed, off the couch or climb stairs.

    I saw my threrapist last week, while I was still feeling good. He said it could be being forced to become more active and interacting with people could have jump started me. The more we lay the more we pay.

    But I am in day 4 of a CF flair. I haven't bathed in 4 days, it just takes too much energy. I am going to climb in the whirlpool later, I can't stand my ownself now.

    Between my bad dirty hair and no teeth I looked like the wicked witch. Then my HVAC guy came by to change my thermostat, I called yesterday and he was suppose to call first but just showed up. I grabbed my hat and tried not to stand too close.

    I hope you get some relief soon. Have you had any recent xrays, MRI's to see if you have a pinched nerve causing you all this leg and thigh pain?

    Take your own advice and hang on to that last knot with one hand and hug your puppies with the other. Missy and Twila send hugs and slurps your way-Carla
  10. Beachtrekker1

    Beachtrekker1 New Member

    Oh Greenbean you couldn't have said it better. I have been crying non stop for the last few days. I remember when the tears I used to cry were crys of joy for feeling so blessed...We used to bring our 2 children to Cannon Beach Oregon for 2 weeks every summer, as we lived in California then. We both were raised in the PNW. I started visiting it with my family at 10. We spent our honeymoon here and would dream of when the kids would be old enough to really begin enjoying it. I remember a certain day so plainly. I was running and kind of turning in circles taking in the waves, the clouds, the trees, and Haystack Rock. Breathing in that sea air, feeling it slightly blow over my body. Listening to the waves roll onto the sand and pulling it back within her grips. I looked up at God and and smiled telling Him the day better never come that I can't breath in life like this again. It was as if my heart were about to burst! After the symptoms raised their ugly cruel heads and the love of my life left us behind for someone healthy and 15 years younger. He traded in his old props for new ones, and that was the beginning of one trauma and loss after another. And it was all up to me to continue, as I lost my family within this time too. He wanted his freedom, to start out new so he proceeded to take and take and take. With the climax being terminating my support knowing that I couldn't work, had nowhere to go. I would not live with friends, as it was not their responsibility. And knowing I was waiting for surgery to take out 2 large tumors they had found. BENIGN!!!I had 4 months until....my 20 year old daughter took me in and you will never believe where I relocated to....Yes, where my heart resides....Cannon Beach. But each year the things that were so simple before become more difficult. Especially during the flares. I live 4 blocks from the ocean and many times I lie their in my bed sobbing because I can't walk there and I don't have a car anymore. So I lie there snd listen...Oh if we could only get people to listen and not take anything for granted, but to stop thier busy lives and enjoy the simple things that God has given us for our pleasure. My thoughts are with you dear one.
  11. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    Carla - I am so glad you got some energy back! That makes so much difference in how we feel emotionally and physically. I am still employed full time and take care of my DH and wonderful fuzzy kids so I have a full plate. Taking that day to go to the show was probably too much after the stressful couple of weeks I've had.

    Even though I paid for it later, it was still worth going and I'm not sorry I went.

    I have had MRI's and all kinds of fun tests (haven't we all!!!) and they found that I have two "bulging" disks in my lower back. This is probably what is causing the leg and hip pain, but nothing conclusive has been found.

    My GP is checking with my neuro to see if he can figure out if there is a nerve problem going on. Neuro is great so I hope he can figure it out. I see him in December.

    The pain is better today and I stopped worrying about how many doses of the pain med I've taken. I can take it every 6 hours and that's what I'm doing. I usually only take two a day, but right now I really need the four so I am taking them and not worrying about it!

    Beach - I love Cannon Beach. About 5 years ago my DH and I had planned on going to Long Beach on vacation. He couldn't go and said I should go without him.

    I stayed at a B&B in Long Beach, but the first day I was there I twisted my lower back (what a shock!) and could hardly walk. I ended up driving down as far as Tillamuk and stopping along the way to sit near the sea and just soak it in. I could live at the ocean year round!

    I did get out and shop some, but not much. The back pain probably saved me a lot of money!!

    I'm sorry for all your troubles but jealous of where you live!

    BTW, Beach, when you write please try and break it up into paragraphs. It's easier for the rest of us to read.

    Hugzz
    Greenbean

    Stop and smell the puppies!
  12. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Oh Greenbean, I am so sorry for you. I am feeling the bad effects today of a new med and how fast it brings my mood down, when what should help makes it worse.
    As I read your letter I could see one thing in my head and it was your sister reaching out and holding your arm and walking along with you.
    How our love comes full circle back when we are kind people.You said you always were the one to be strong with her. She must love you sooooo much.(I do not have a sister,but I always wanted one)
    Its so hard when I look at what this DD has taken .I choose to try and look at what I would not have discovered if this DD had not slowed me down and made me look at what I do have in spite of this DD.
    You write very well. For a few mins I was at that dog show with you under that tree and enjoying your afternoon. Thank you for that .I can read and my artistic mind see's what you write in my head.That one way I cope with my pain .I let my mind drift into a beautiful calming movie within my mind.I love paintings I get lost in them trying for a few moments to find relief from my terrible pain.

    I'm thinking of you and praying you feel better soon .thank you for posting.
  13. smeyers

    smeyers New Member

    I know how hard it is to not be able to do things you used to do and to have people have to take care of you. It's infuriating because you want to do them so badly for yourself if only your body would cooperate!

    At least you have your family and your dog. I have one also - an 11 year old black-lab/shepard mix named Molasses and I know i couldn't get through most days without him. I wish there was a way I could bring him to work with me! LOL! Somehow I don't think the library would survive! but just having him wait for me at the door and give me a kiss helps a lot.
    I'm sure Rey does the same for you. It doesn't take the pain away, but it gives you something else to think about and it's also nice to know that he's not judging you for what you can and can't do.

    This has been a really difficult six months or so. I've had a lot more pain than usual so maybe it's a cycle we're all going through (like el Nino or something) and it'll get better after awhile.

    Take care and kiss Rey for me.

  14. kirschbaum26

    kirschbaum26 New Member

    Dear Greenbean:

    Your post really hit a sensative spot for me. One year ago I was working full time, had a daughter in 1st grade and was very physically active.

    Now, I am not working at all, have terrible RA pain, fatigue and a laundry list of physical problems that just seems to get longer each and every day. I have a tough time caring for myself as well as my daughter and I am not sure what the future will hold for us. It is scary, and frustrating, and so many other words that I cannot use here.

    We all go through the stages of grief over losing our pre-illness lives and abilities. I sometimes wonder if it would be better to not be aware of all that we lose...but then I think at least if we are aware, we can have our memories.

    I know how important this board is to many people on it...it has become their lifeline to the life that they used to live. Not just because we can usually relate to our situations, but because we are all at different stages we can offer some assistance and info to those who are still back a few steps.

    Thanks for reminding me of the person that I was a year ago, and the person that I hope I can be again.

    Ingrid
  15. woofmom

    woofmom New Member

    I'm 95% better and still getting better.