CoWorker's comment

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kaymac, Aug 31, 2006.

  1. kaymac

    kaymac New Member

    Tell me to please get over this! My feelings are so hurt today. I do complain at work alot about how I feel. It is so hard not to complain when there is only 3 women and we discuss everything.

    Today by lunch I was dragging. No appetite, felt so weak and tired (as usual). I made the comment about being so tired.

    My co worker said go back to your doctor! I said "what for, there isn't anything they can do for the fatigue, I'm just tired of being tired, like you when you were sick with gallbladder, you complained about being so sick and tired".........she said "yea, well I got mine fixed by going to the doctor"............I said "you're lucky, mine can't be fixed, this is long term"...........so she says......

    "well then quit complaining and just accept it, if you can't change it and it's long term, you should just accept it!"

    Am I wrong! I feel hurt! I do accept I have FM/CFIDS! But I don't want to feel like this! Does that mean I should never complain about being tired or in pain! I just feel so mad and hurt now! Makes me want to tell them to shut up everytime they complain of headache or fatigue!

    kaymac
  2. kaymac

    kaymac New Member

    ..my mother in law told me last night to take "Geritol" and then drink "Mogen David" wine every night! Said her doctor told her that 45 yrs ago when she was so run down??

    I laughed! Couldn't believe my MIL would advise me to drink. But also makes me sad, cause she even doesn't understand there is NO quick fix for this. If there were, we would all be fixed, wouldn't we?

    I'm just sooo tired today and those comments just drain me more. I'm so tired, it's hard to breathe, I find myself really remembering to breath in!

    kaymac
  3. kenzie45230

    kenzie45230 New Member

    It's really hard to explain to someone who doesn't have FS or CFS. I saw UK web site that did a fairly good job, though. It told the well person to pinch themselves in various places and know that the FS/CFS person probably feels that every day. It said to think of how you felt the last time you had the flu and realize that your FS/CFS friend feels that way every day. And it went on and on.

    Should we complain? Most of us don't complain 24/7. But we're entitled to complain when the symptoms get out of hand, I think.

    At least there are always message boards like these where you can vent.
  4. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    This was a thoughtless and insensitive comment your coworker made. No wonder you are smarting from it.

    However, please don't let it make you behave like them, just go on being nice. I may even suggest that when you are calmer you could write a little note saying you were hurt and that it really is an incurable illness that several million people have.

    Also, that one of the hard things to deal with is that there appears to be no end in sight to the way you feel, that you KNOW you have to put up with it, but having the support and sympathy of friends and coworkers helps you deal with it so much better.

    You could also say that there is very little understanding about the suffering this disease causes, so I just wanted to give you a heads up on how tough it really is on me, as I know once you are aware of this, I can count on you to be supportive.

    Or just say it.

    Love Anne
  5. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Face it, Kaymac, people just don't get it. I want to say more, be more reassuring but I can't. They. just. don't. get. it. Maybe I should say "can't" get it. The more we talk about it, the more they get tired of hearing about it. And it's not just the fatigue and the pain, it's the stress of knowing that no one really gets it that can do anything about it. Well, maybe Dr. Teitelbaum if we could go there, do that.....

    Marta
  6. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    I can understand how your feelings must be hurt by this comment. Most people cannot handle chronic or long-term illness in others. They either want you to take the latest miracle supplement or they want your doctor to fix it.

    Before I became housebound and was exposed to more people, I got to the point where if someone said "How are you doing?", I would treat it as a greeting and not an inquiry. I would then say "Hello, how are you?". Most people would leave it at that. Those who know me and care about me would look into my eyes and say "You look like you're having a rough day" and I would say "yes, I am, thanks for noticing".

    Kaymac, don't let this one person hurt you. Try to forgive her and let it go. Maybe you can get a pamphlet about FMS and CFIDS and give it to her. You can say "it's so hard to explain this terrible illness that I have and it's hard to understand it if you don't have it. If you are interested, here is some information about what I deal with everyday".

    When I was working, I would keep a pillow and blanket in my car and spend my lunch and breaks there resting.

    Good luck,

    Lolalee
  7. RENA0909

    RENA0909 New Member

    Sorry you have been made to feel so awful by your co-worker.I can imagine how hurt you must feel.

    I think you should let her know that you were upset by her comments and that you do not mean to go on about all your aches and pains every day.... BUT that it is just such a painful condition that it is affecting your whole life every day!!Write it in a letter if you need to like someone mentioned.

    And one thing that I learned a long time ago is ......when people ask how you are say....FINE!!!!Even though I am in bed dying...cos no-one wants to hear about our illness every time.

    Be kind to yourself and let it go.Go back to work and carry on the best that you can.

    Take care
    Rena


    Because I know when mu
  8. kaymac

    kaymac New Member

    Thanks for picking me up again! Today at work, she's awfully quite and avoiding me...which tells me she knows she hurt me and maybe is giving me some distance.

    Last night I was crying and telling my hubby to which he got all serious and said he promised to take care of it all, he understood and he would be there for me always, and then he said he promised to come see me every day when he stopped by the nursing home (down the road from us) to visit me! I fell out laughing, so I'm over it now and yes, I plan to treat them just as I would WANT to be treated.

    In other words, I won't be mean, I'll be sympathetic to them and listen to her bowel problems from her recent gallbladder surgery and her aching bladder infection and I'll act like I'm much better than her!

    Also, I am going to try really hard NOT to complain about my ailments anymore here at the workplace. I guess I would grow weary of hearing others too. I do agree they can't possibly understand and I'll keep venting to my hubby and here on the boards!!

    Thanks guys!
    kaymac
  9. sascha

    sascha Member

    your symptoms. right there, you're a hero(ine) to me.

    your co-worker has proved herself insensitive, so just put her in that category and leave her there. (and she works in a nursing home??!!!???)

    in my family i had such a blow-up with aunt and cousins because aunt was very sick, in and out of hospitals, and i finally let them know i just couldn't be the one taking her places, doing errands, waiting at the hospital- they 'act' as though they understand, but did nothing to relieve me of this responsibility. i just exploded with anger and upset. i crashed again and again most miserably; got very sick; lost lots of days recovering because of running my aunt's agenda- they didn't get it. finally big blow-up caught their attention plus my excellent son stepped in and TOLD THEM CATEGORICALLY THAT I WAS OUT OF THE PICTURE. holy moly.

    people characteristically will run their own agendas, and somehow we (I) need to find ways to protect ourselves. and without adding guilt and hard feelings to our already tricky and difficult situations. very best to you- sascha
  10. raslin25

    raslin25 New Member

    I am so sorry that your coworker was so insensitive to you.
    I work at a hospital in the nursing dept. and you would think that there would be an understanding of fibro and there is to an extent.

    but there are a few that truly care, and i think that unless you have one of these DD. you cannot understand what it feels like and how a person suffers.

    and it might seem to others that we complain constantly. and its not that we mean to, its just sometimes we feel so bad and were at our breaking point and we tell how we feel.

    i try to keep it to myself how i feel for the most part, or it just seems like i am compaling all the time, even if your coworkers complain everyday, just listen and be nice, and try not to put yourself in a vulnerable situation with them if you know that they are insensitive.

    i am so sorry that your feelings got hurt, and i understand what it feels like to have to go to work when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    just keep your head up and try to only confide in the people you know really love and care for you, and not the ones who dont really want to hear it.

    take care,
    rachel
  11. Empower

    Empower New Member

    Sorry that you have to deal with this on top of everything else

    I really don't know how you can work

    People just don't have a clue, they think we are just sleepy or lazy

    I DID have to laugh at your MIL's comments - Geritol and Mogen David?? That is hysterical!!!!!

    No suggestions, but just had to tell you that I gave up trying to explain to people
  12. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Gets to be a little annoying after a while, doesn't it?!

    As usual, Cromwell has a very sensible suggestion. You might want to try that.

    Or you might just punch your friend in the mouth.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/01/2006]
  13. Abbycat

    Abbycat New Member

    Kaymac,
    I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis 5 years ago. I went through the same horror that you are going through. No one understood and I was in so much pain that just getting to work was a miracle. I didn't have anyone who understood, including my husband and everyone tried giving me advice about how to "fix" it.

    I had to educate them about what RA was and be very graphic about how it felt to me. I cried, yelled and fell apart at times and I think that is what finally got through them. At work I was less dramatic, but I did find that it was my responsibility to tell them how I was feeling.

    You don't understand how it feels to have gall bladder surgery, which is one of the most painful conditions there is, and your coworker doesn't know anything about FMS. I've found that instead of being resentful that someone doesn't have sympathy for you, the best way is to give them sympathy for what they are going through. It doesn't matter what it is.

    If they have a pimple on their butt and they can't sit down, then that is the most important thing to them. You may think it's nothing, but my 14 year old complains if he has a stuffy nose. To him it is a big deal because he has nothing to compare it to. He can't breathe and it freaks him out.

    In a way, it's unreasonable to expect anyone to understand what we are going through. How could you know unless you're experiencing it? If you don't explain it and just complain, they think fatigue equals their idea of tired. Two totally different things.

    Tired is feeling sluggish and still being able to drive home, make something to eat and going to bed early. Fatigue is praying you make it home without killing yourself, not eating because you can't lift your arms, or stuffing whatever you can find in your mouth that doesn't require cooking, and getting into bed knowing that the night is going to be filled with pain and not sleeping because you can't lay this way or that.

    By the time I was diagnosed with FMS I didn't even bother to explain. I'm fine is my mantra, except when I can't take it anymore. You do have to decide if you have the energy to tell them how you feel. You don't have to provide them with medical research, just say this is how I feel. Be as dramatic as possible.

    We all try to cover up how we really feel and be brave, but this is where you have to be really honest. Tell them how afraid you are and how bad you feel. That will get their attention. It does help if you listen to them, and try to remember how it felt to just have a headache.

    Then you could suggest that they go to the doctor and get some drugs for that. Ha, ha!

    Abbycat
  14. romanshopper

    romanshopper New Member

    She's just stupid and has no idea.

    People want to fix it. When they think they have no way to help, they turn kooky.

    It would help if all the folks that clearly do not have fibro would quit saying they do.

    I'm sorry, but if someone can work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, on an organic farm they started last year, and their back hurts now and then at the end of the day, they probably don't have fibro.

    I don't complain about mine much outta the family b/c my experience is that every 3rd person will also say they have it....Never been to a doctor, not taking any pain med, but their muscles get stiff and hurt sometimes when they do too much so they decide they have fibro.

    Sure does seem to me like 90% of the women in GA say they have fibro, and they all have a cure too. Put soap in the bed, get a slim wrap, quit eating meat, avoid milk, give up all soy products.... whatever!
    [This Message was Edited on 09/01/2006]
  15. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    taken out and it still hasn't cured my problems...

    and tell her i live right near the wine county, napa, california...so i have way better wine than mogen david..it is really difficult to find that...out here...i do get it when i make my famous meatballs...

    sounds like everything is undercontrol...just stinks we have to all deal w/the nonsense..

    jodie
  16. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    the unfortumate thing is that i, like some other people who have responded, have found it better to not talk about how i'm feeling at work. the sad reality it people don't understnad, and i work in the medical field. keeping it to myself is the only self defense mechinism i've been able to come up with.
    it's sad that this dd isolates us so much but that's why things like this board is so important.
    rachel
  17. barbinindiana

    barbinindiana New Member

    that you are having to deal with other peoples additudes. I've had alot of this for going on 8 years now.

    I once was going to a church where they believed that you could just think yourself well, althought there was plenty there who had health problems.

    I could not say anything about feeling ill, even a couple of times when I was on the verge of passing out. I was told that I could never get well "speaking illness".

    Others there would complain of something as little as a headache and go around asking people for a pain killer, but if you had a chronic illness you were expected to have a stiff upper lip and not speak of it.

    So there was no offers to help someone like me, if you couldn't even say you weren't doing so well.

    I also had a neighbor who told me that she once had CFS, and she just continued on with her life and chores the same as if she were well.

    She and another nieghbor were very angry with me because mailboxes were being put up for each house at the street, and my doctor had wrote a letter for me to take to the post office saying that I needed to continue having my mail brought up to my house. I had been having falls, and was so weak I couldn't get myself back up off the ground. It was winter, and my doctor didn't want to take the chance I'd fall on ice or something and be out in the cold unable to get help.

    Oh did they make me pay for that! I had to sale my home and buy a cheaper one because I lost my job due to this DD. And they treated me like dirt until I was able to leave there.

    I really feel sorry for people that can't show compassion for us or at least try to understand. They must be really unhappy inside to be able to treat us so badly.

    Barb
    [This Message was Edited on 09/02/2006]
  18. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    kaymac:

    I sometimes get annoyed at people who flaunt their 'buisness' overload.

    It makes me feel inadequate.

    No longer do I care about what people say.

    Nyrofan
  19. Redwillow

    Redwillow New Member

    Hugs Kay I know how you feel. I finally had to leave my job because I couldn't deal with the brain fog and the constant pain. I hadn't been dx'd yet and I couldn't deal with the constant sarcastic comments from the two women I worked with. The one woman especially would say things like "if you can't handle the job you shouldn't be here!" Her constant picking at me sent my anxiety levels through the room and I spent more time in the washroom with IBS then at my desk.

    After I got dx'd I wanted to go back to that office and scream "see I told you I was really sick" but I knew she would never get it!

    I think you are amazing to be able to continue working with this DD. hugs to you Marion (Redwillow)
    [This Message was Edited on 09/02/2006]
  20. pepper

    pepper New Member

    What this woman said was incredibly insensitive and you have every right to feel hurt. As some others have said, it is probably best not to tell people anything about how we are feeling on a day to day basis because they just don't get it. But you are in a small office and I am sure that is more difficult since you all share so much with each other!

    I have discovered over the years that people just can't get how we live with pain and exhaustion 24/7. Sometimes, when I am having a better spell, even I can't understand it!

    I have a friend with severe CFS/FM and when I am having relatively little pain and exhaustion, I have to really work at remembering the pain and exhaustion I usually have so that I can be an understanding friend!

    I have said to her so many times that if I have a tough time relating sometimes, just imagine how hard it is for someone who has NEVER experienced this constant pain and fatigue. It is not an excuse, just reality.

    (((kaymac))), you deserve better treatment.
    Pepper