Critical mother affecting my FM health

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Chelz, Jul 13, 2009.

  1. Chelz

    Chelz New Member

    Yesterday was a very rough day. Let me start out as saying that my father passed away suddenly a little over a year ago leaving me to care for my 80 year old mother.

    Altough my mother is 80 with a heart condition, she is pretty independent as far as getting around, problem is she can't write a check, balance a check book, understand almost anything that has to do with bills or making big decisions, my father did all those things for her. Health wise, she is pretty good, has plenty of friends and can be at times active.

    I, however, feel like I am in an emotional prison. My mother has ALWAYS been super critical, must be how she was raised, she complains about my weight, calls me fat, calls my little nephew fat, (he's only slighly overweight) and such.

    My mother is aware of my FM. She knows I have a very stressful job, I do all her bills as well as mine, take money out for her on a regular basis, take her to doctor appointments, etc.

    Even though I live with my mother, I try to keep busy and try not to be around her too much because of her overbearing personality. Keeping busy can be extremely difficult with my FM, I get moody with my pain, fatigue and all the extra mental responsibilities I know have with her.

    Yesterday, we were both at my sisters house for dinner and she started with her criticism, once AGAIN, this time I completely lashed out at her because she upset my nephew terribly, who is only 9. She PRETENDED to faint, which I as well as my sister and brother-in-law knew was only an act, my nephew was horrified. Only when my nephew was becoming completely upset over this, did she pretend to wake up. She has done this before in the past, so this is nothing new for us, but it was for my nephew.

    This is inexcusable and unforgiveable behavior on her part. I must say, my mother is childish, and likes to have attention brought on her her, this is nothing new, so it is not because of her age, just her vindictive personality trait she has always had. We try hard to include her in dinners and such, but her jealous, mean spirit always comes out.

    This truly affects my health. Working full time then having to deal with this is getting to be too much for me. I can't move out for various reasons. I could go on and on, but this post would be way too long. Physically hurting badly today, and emotionally as well. Hugs, Chelz.

  2. mysticbrit

    mysticbrit New Member

    I know nothing about your personal situation so I won't presume to offer advice. What I can offer is support.

    Your mother sounds like a very toxic, miserable person who feels she must be in control of everything within her domain. I was married to one of those types for 30 years and I can assure you it was devastating to my health.

    Is there no way you can move away from her??? I'm concerned that her constant negativity will bring you to your knees emotionally. I would suggest that you and your sister share responsibility for your mother's care but my heart goes out to your nephew. No child needs exposure to that type of person on a 24/7 schedule.

    Has a doctor evaluated your mother's mental health? Could she have some type of dementia? I know you wrote that she has always been difficult but perhaps there are now some more contributing factors that should be dealt with.

    As I said before, I have no solutions to offer - just some well needed emotional support.

    Take care,
  3. Pansygirl

    Pansygirl New Member

    I wish I had some advise to offer but I wanted to say that

    I'm thinking of you and sending you gentle hugs, Pansy
  4. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    They make comedy shows highlighting personalities like your mother's. :) I know it isn't funny when you're having to deal with it in real life though. Did you ever see Redd Foxx grabbing his heart and complaining he was having a heart attack whenever things didn't go his way on Sanford and Son? lol

    But in all seriousness, your health is most important. The book Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend helped me deal with people like this in my life. You can check it out at Amazon. Just reading the comments there can be very helpful.

    Good luck and Best Wishes,
    [This Message was Edited on 07/13/2009]
  5. faithinlove

    faithinlove New Member

    I too have this problem. In fact I have just been called a blank blank bitch! My mother just left my house and that is the last thing she said to me.
    My son is sick with a virus and I am sick with that plus a huge flair with the FM.
    She was going to town and get my son some candy. I did not ask her to do this..She comes over to my home and asks does he need anything else?? I answered, no that is all, but let me check with him. I come back to the door and she says well what is wrong with you,
    in a disgusted voice and I told her and that I was headed to lay back down.She had already talked to me on the phone and knew I was not feeling well. I am so sick. She yelled what do you want me to do with the candy. I just said put it on the step and I will get it. I do not want her getting this virus from us. She just started yelling it is going to melt and kept on screaming at me..I finally said again, I have to go lay down. She called me that name and said well go get you fat you know what in bed really ugly.
    I have been told so many times by her, you are so pretty in the face but your body is horrible. You have to get rid of that fat if you expect anyone to ever want you.
    If you would lose that fat you might feel so much better. I know it is my fault that I eat when I get upset just like now.The medicine I take has also added on the dreaded pounds.
    Sometimes I just do not get it..Does anyone ever love anyone faults and all?? I do not see that around me??
    My thoughts and prayers are with you because I know what it is like to have someone in control and critical about you.
    She recently told me she might buy me a flat panel tv if I would just get rid of that disgusting fat all over me.
    Often I wonder will this ever get better?
    I do not feel loved anymore by anyone. Someone recently said in a conversation with me about all you ever can really count on is your own self. Is this what this world is getting like?
    I apologize, I know I just kept rambling on but I know some of you will know and understand what I am talking about.
    Praying for all,
  6. frickly

    frickly New Member

    Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend is an excellent book and definatly worth reading. I have a very dominating and controling MIL. You can't change them but that dosn't mean you have to let them run you over and control your life.

    Take care,
  7. dannybex

    dannybex Member

    ...and as someone said above, this can apply to any time of 'toxic' relationships.

    You said: "This is inexcusable and unforgiveable behavior on her part. I must say, my mother is childish, and likes to have attention brought on her her, this is nothing new, so it is not because of her age, just her vindictive personality trait she has always had. We try hard to include her in dinners and such, but her jealous, mean spirit always comes out."

    It IS definitely 'inexcusable', but for your own health, you will have to try and work on forgiving her. For YOU. This is no doubt bringing up old stuff that reminds you of how she treated you many years ago...and recycling that over and over again will just make YOU worse.

    Counseling is a good idea, but if you can just keep telling yourself that you're a good person, you're doing the best you can, and (a lot easier said than done) TRY not to take her comments personally, then you might start to feel less 'attacked'. She is angry at the world, at something in HER past, and perhaps she's really sad and missing your father, but is too stoic to show her weakness or vulnerability, so rather than do that, she puts up this tough front, and lashes out against whoever is around her.

    It's not about you. It's about her.

    And if you do need to put her in assisted living, don't feel guilty about it. That sounds harsh, but it isn't. You're not putting her out on the street, you're giving her a nice place to live.

    One thing Teitlebaum said a few years ago really struck home with me: He said that most CFS/fibro patients were 'people pleasers', and would wear themselves out trying to help everyone else but themselves. He also said we need to stop feeling guilty. Again, easier said than done, but you can't take care of anyone, if you don't first take care of yourself.

    Hope this helps???


    p.s. And I second what Caledonia said -- EFT -- surprisingly -- can be VERY effective in helping to work past these issues. Youtube is full of testimonials and stories of people finding benefit from it. I used to think it was #@*!!!, but the more I try it, the more it calms me down...
    [This Message was Edited on 07/13/2009]
  8. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member


    Thanks for letting us know EFT videos are on YouTube. I watched one just now and when it started it gave a little run-down on the history of EFT and I saw the usual suspects, the alternative health-care people I recognize from other sites but then I tried the technique and I think it's very good.

    I use a version of it myself. The self-talk part. I've found that very helpful. You CAN reprogram your brain. :) I tried hitting those acu points and I was impressed that they made me feel calmer and more relaxed and it seems to drive the point home. Whatever point you're working on. That's very cool. A great place for people with CFS and FMS to tap is the back of the neck and upper back and rib cage and the top of your shoulders. A good thing to chant while you do this is "I'm relaxed now. R-E-L-A-X" and combine this with some slower, slightly deeper breaths.

    You can also add in some Chi Gung by lightly rubbing your tummy, legs and feet. This will help with circulation too and should calm anxiety. If you're able to combine some gentle stretching with it that's even better. You don't have to do the self-messaging during the Chi Gung rubbing and stretching.

    I also wanted to mention that there are Byron Katie videos on YouTube and she can really help with some of this stuff. Especially once you've begun to establish boundaries with people in your life like family and friends. I bought her DVDs and I found those to be even more worthwhile. They helped dig me out of a bad place I was in and I've used them many times.


    [This Message was Edited on 07/14/2009]