Critisizing children perfectionist FM CFS

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by teranan, May 16, 2003.

  1. teranan

    teranan New Member

    Critisizing your children can cause perfectionisn in them when they grow up. Planting the thought that their not good enough,can cause an extreme nature later in life.Always striving for unrealistic goals.Driving yourself way too hard to achieve perfection in everything.Seems to be a somewhat common theme that has contibuted to a lot of us getting sick. I wish i could remember where I first heard this.Critisizing our kids causing perfectionist in adults. I thought it an interesting and sad result. I personally did have a parent( father ) that crtized me relentlessly. Yes I was a perfectionist. I would drive myself and those around me crazy. I never did do anything that was good enough. Now with this DD everything is imperfect including me. Now I finally can accept it. My question did anyone have a parent that critisized? We don't realize what an something said in anger might harm later. I was very carefull not to critisize my children growing up. Any thoughts on this? Terry
  2. teranan

    teranan New Member

  3. blondieangel

    blondieangel New Member

    I was constantly critisized and made fun of. I was a depressed child, had tension headaches beginning in the fourth grade. I hated myself! I really did not gain self-esteem and self love until I removed myself from my family at age 17, and it still took years...~B~
  4. tansy

    tansy New Member

    But I was very lucky having been brought up in a wholly different family environment. Never realised how lucky I was till I went into higher education. There I saw how damaging it could be.

    My son's father is Mr Corporate Man, and is now a director in a major multinational corporation.

    He could never accept our son for who he was and nothing he did was ever good enough. He failed to see the good points because they did not fall into his perception of success.

    He did a lot of harm.

    Fortunately I split with him when my son was still fairly young. They still had regular contact so the critcisms and unrealistic expectations continued. At least I could do something about it at the time, but even so it did make him unhappy for a while each time.

    As a consequence of this I probably went a bit too far the other way but this was appreciated by my son. By the time he was 13 he expressed this regularly. I used to worry that my DD meant I couldn't be the parent I wanted to be. He assured me he felt lucky, luckier than most of his friends.

    At least if we are aware of this we can prevent the damaging effects upon our children. Whether it be through personal experience or observation, we know how important a nurturing supportive environment is.

    Cheers

    Tansy
    [This Message was Edited on 05/17/2003]
  5. Sissy123

    Sissy123 New Member

    I had a bi-polar, alcoholic mother that left me to care for my 3 other siblings at the age of 15. I was raped at 13 by a 28 year old man who got off because I was far to afraid to tell my mom about it because she acted like she hated me anyway. Their was not medical or physical proof by the time I talked to a counselor at school about it. She kept a spottless house and still does, I guess. I dont see her because she has even tried to degrade my children and scared them to death with her verbal attacks. She physically attacked me after she found out I was raped! I really thought for along time it was my fault. I tried so hard to be perfect and be the best mom, best hair dresser, anything I did I tried to be perfect and I got really, really tired about the age of 33. I burnt out. I was hit by a truck while walking and broke my back and mom didnt even come and see me in the hospital. It was always my dad that was there for me when the kids were born...Now he is dead because the pharmacist Robert Courtney diluted his cancer drugs and it killed him in less that 6 months. I miss him so much, but yes I have learned to deal with things in a much more relaxed way. My husband has taught me that some things are not worth fussing over and I have gotten some counseling for my past, with medications for the anxiety from trying to be perfect and run from my past. I am much more laid back now. I feel way better even when bad things happen. I am not a perfectionist any longer. I was told by a doctor that trying to be perfect is impossible and turns into a mental illness over time because it is impossible to achieve and in turn one is dissappointed all the time. My husband is my buddy and he is a laid back person and has taught me alot. Perfectionism causes drug addiction and unhappiness in everyone around that person. I am happier now than I have ever been. Sis
  6. teranan

    teranan New Member

    Thanks for your stories so far. I had a feeling there would be other examples. How deep that criticism affects and maybe who knows hurts our health. A hard way to bring a perfectionist back to reality.Dealing with this DD, average sounds real good
    [This Message was Edited on 05/17/2003]
  7. athome

    athome New Member

    DEFINITELY. KNOW I BECAME A TOTAL PEOPLE PLEASER BECAUSE HAD CONSTANT CRITICISM AND WORSE THOUGHOUT MOST OF FIRST35 YEARS OF LIFE.

    WITH APPROPRIATE THERAPY AND LEARNING THE TOOLSMYSEOLF, MANAGED NOT TO DO THE SAME FOR MY KIDS, AND TO CATCH MYSELF TRYING TO "FIX" EVERYTHING.

    GOOD LUCK ON YOUR JOURNEY. IF YOU ARE INTEESTED, I CAN LOOK FOR SOME OF THE GOOD BOOKS ON THIS. NANALYS
  8. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    I was expected to be a quiet, not seen and not heard, self-entertaining, perfect little Einstein. I was always expected to behave like a small adult, and to make adult decisions all on my own, without help or support. I'll never forget the first time I brought home a B grade on a report card. It was 9th grade, at which point I had already skipped one grade, but that was never good enough. I came home 2 hrs. late with the report card, after dilly-dallying around as long as I could and throwing up on somebody's bushes because I was so scared to go home. My mother yelled at me for 2 hrs. about how no one in her family ever got less than an A in anything, how could I be so lazy,blah, blah, blah.
    I also had to hear about how their lives were ruined because they couldn't afford to abort me like they did the one before me. When I got old enough, I was lectured about not getting pregnant and ruining my life like my mother did.
    I never felt I had a right to exist, and I never felt safe in the world. oh yeah, both my parents were alcoholics and nobody else in the family believed me when I tried to tell them about it.
    I am so glad you are being careful what you say to your kids. Being unwanted never ever leaves you, take it from me. I always feel I have to earn love, and that nobody could possibly love me, flaws and all, so I have to work extra hard to be "worthy" and never let my guard down. I also become furious when I see that someone in my life who loves me, also loves a lazy person who does nothing to try and become a better human being but simply assumes they have a right to be loved.I feel it's unfair that they should be loved equally, when I am trying so much harder.
    My mother also said that people who don't support themselves and contribute to society should be put to death. She felt if she could go to work in a wheelchair (she had polio),then anyone else could too. You can imagine what it did to my sense of self-worth to lose my ability to work due to Fibro. I kept going back to work, collapsing and being put in the hospital. Then I'd go back again, because not working was unthinkable. I think if I hadn't been so afraid of being unworthy, I might not have pushed so hard and gotten such a severe case of Fibro.
    Thanks for the opportunity to vet...I hadn't realized how much some of this still hurts until I started writing it down.
    Klutzo
    [This Message was Edited on 05/18/2003]
  9. teranan

    teranan New Member

    After reading your posts it making me think more about my childhood unresolved. My father acted like he hated me. Called me lazy,I even remember a time he wanted to kill me. Very sick I wondered if I was really his son. He adored my younger brother, heaping him with compliments.I never had nerve enough to ask him after growing up why? As an adult I tried to be perfect constantly trying to impress everyone.My brother became a workaholic always out doing me. I finally just give up and accepted a battle I could'nt win. I think by that time I was already getting this DD.Ironically when my father was dying with heart problems I was the one who was there for him. The past is gone but not ever forgotten.
  10. teranan

    teranan New Member


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