Crying at my desk...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jewels920, Jul 11, 2008.

  1. jewels920

    jewels920 New Member

    I just got off the phone with my mother who has a host of medical problems, the least of which is FMS. (from the standpoint of least life-threatening)

    She's older. She has trouble getting around. Can't really clean the house anymore. I've suggested getting someone to come in for a few hours a week to "tote and fetch" for her, etc. But it hasn't happened yet.

    This morning she told me she felt neglected and I just started crying. Because I can't be there for her. I have to work this job. And I can't tote and fetch either...if the FMS doesn't prevent it, exertion asthma will.

    I know having an aging parent is something most of us have to go through. It just seems doubly intense because I am unable to help her the way many other adult children help their folks when they're older.

    She understands. She was having a "moment" when she said she felt neglected and she remembers when her mother was older and needed help and she couldn't do it because of her job and my sick father, etc.

    It just sucks.

    Thanks for listening.

  2. layla1954

    layla1954 New Member

    I know exactly how you feel... my mom and dad are in their mid-70s and just in the last year or so beginning to need help with shopping, lawn care, etc. and it's so frustrating because I work full-time and that takes absolutely everything I've got... I can barely take care of my own apartment after working all week, but I want so much to "be there" for my parents. My mom has FM too, she has some pretty significant memory and cognitive problems and my dad has idiopathic gastroparesis and can barely eat anything. I do take time off to go with them to dr. appointments when they need me, pick things up for them when I'm out etc. but I wish I could do so much more. None of my brothers lives near enough to help.

    It does suck. We just do the best we can. Don't be hard on yourself...

    layla1954 (Lee Ann)
  3. whoachief

    whoachief New Member

    your mom understands that you can't be there physically for her because you have to work. You said yourself that she's been there before. Just support her the best you can, if not physically, emotionally, and don't beat yourself up over something you have no control over. One of the most important things I need to hear from my kids even if they can't "help" at the moment is that they understand & they wish they could. Saying that speaks volumes.
  4. Pansygirl

    Pansygirl New Member

    Just wanted to send you a cyber hug . It sounds like you are doing the best you can and it does sound like your mom understands your situation.

    take care Susan
    [This Message was Edited on 07/11/2008]
  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Hi Jules,
    Oh do I ever understand. I could write you a two page letter on how much I understand and can empathize. We've been through very tough years with my Mom. It kills me that she lives alone. It is SO very difficult to see our parents get older and go through the physical and emotional changes.
    It would take too long to go into great detail, but my Mom actually recovered from surgery at my house for 3 months last year. It was incredible how much my physical pain was tied to hers. My Mom and I are extremely close - I would say dangerously close for my heart, because when I lose her, I don't know where I'll be.

    One thing I've found is to let my Mom have her moments. Let her complain and feel what she's feeling. Also what has helped my Mom feel great purpose is to have her 'mother' me. The tables have turned so much in the recent years where we've been caring for her - to turn them back again once in a while has done wonders for my Mom emotionally.
    Example: I went to my Mom's after work one day and laid on her couch. She puttered around like she used to do when I was younger, when I woke up, I was covered up with a blanket. She in the meantime, had put lipstick on, made me a sandwich (she never does that). She LOVED me needing her.

    My Mom is in the same boat - can't drive - hates that we have to drive her everywhere. We did hire a housecleaner that just comes twice a month for two hours. That helps greatly! Also - it gives us the chance to visit when we go over and not spend the time doing 'chores' for her.

    I can say not to feel bad. Don't feel badly. There. =)
    BUT I understand.
    I talk to my Mom on the phone every single day. That's my commitment to her. She looks forward to my phone call. Even if it's 5 minutes, it's enough for me to know that she's okay.
    I always calls her when I need my Mom. =)

    Do what you can, when you can. You're allowed to have your 'moments' as well!!
  6. kking0412

    kking0412 New Member

    I understand, I really do. Mom and Dad are getting ready to move into a retirement community and I am not much help. Dad had a heart attack 2 weeks ago, and I'm not much help. We have stuff to do here for our mythical move and I feel like I am neglecting my parents. who understand the DD more and more but it still makes me feel like a lousy daughter.
    (((((((((((((((((((gentle Hugs for Jules))))))))))))))))))))
  7. jewels920

    jewels920 New Member

    I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner--had a horrible flare this weekend and I was incapacitated. I can't remember when it's been that bad with FM.

    Thank you so much for all of your kind words. All of you. It's just so freakin HARD. I need to find somebody that can spend a few hours a week doing things around the house for her but she's draggin her feet because she doesn't really want someone unknown to her doing stuff at her house. Can't say I really blame her for that.

    I guess everybody who has this problem feels like a horrible daughter or son.

  8. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    visiting nurse may be an option, depending on what you can afford, maybe if family can't physically be there for mother, everyone can contribute a bit to make some help possible?

    i'm in NYC and have seen older disabled people being 'walked' or pushed in wheelchairs by aides I wouldnt want to be stuck with in an alley way. it IS very scarey who the elderly have to look to for help.

    Even when 'help' comes in, they are afriad to speak up if things go missing for fear of retribution. This is why most people dont want strangers going into their homes.
    Visiting nurses are usually in a licensed or regulated agency, nursing aides can go out and work after a 3 month course; they're more available, cheaper, but you can't teach anyone how to be honest and compassionate in 3 months.

    try to find some options...its frightening enough getting older and being alone, knowing you hve children and still no one is around for you. I dont mean to hurt you, I'm a mother in the same situation and also have RA/FM, its hard all around.
  9. frosty77

    frosty77 New Member

    It certainly is tough having aging parents! Especially if they are not well. I've only got my mother, but unfortunately, she's an alcoholic in a downward spiral. She's 70 and is severely drunk most of the time (really bad - not eating, passing out with lit cigarettes while on oxygen, losing bowel and bladder control). My brother, who lives nearby in FL (I'm in MA), and I have done all we could - getting court orders to put her in rehab, taking the car away... but now my poor brother has to drive her to her doctors and everywhere else.

    My in-laws are in their mid 70's and I'm pretty sure my father-in-law is in early stages of dementia. All their doctors are at least an hour away, and my mother-in-law won't drive far, so we'll need to do this somehow (we both work). My husband and I are the only local family so we'll be doing the majority of caretaking.

    While drunk, my mother also plays the guilt card. She even went so far to tell my brother that she changed his poopy diapers so the least he should do is clean up after her (beside loss of bowel and bladder she also trashes her condo when drunk).

    Do you have other siblings? If yes, can you pitch in to get her some help (maybe a cleaning person, a person to drive her places, a companion.....)? Is there a senior center she can go to for daily activities? Or other groups?

    Yes, it does suck!!
  10. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    your comments touched a nerve because my mother passed 2 yrs ago and even at 83 would say "I dont like old people" and refuse any part of going to a senior center.

    Any offers of help was in her mind, a sign she was about to be confined to a hosptial setting, something she adamantly refused also.

    I also wound up with the responsibility of cleaning her soiled bottom etc. bed clothes...sometimes because she didnt want to 'bother' the hospice nurses/aides (daughters were made to do this kind of thing).

    More than the extra work, or seeing how my sister couldnt be bothered to help, it was sad to see my mother unable even in her last days to admit to being vulnerable or accepting help of any kind.
  11. razzilou

    razzilou New Member

    Jules ~ it says so much about you that in your own pain, you're most concerned about what you can't do for someone else!

    I'm the surviving "younger" (at 55!) member of my entire nuclear family with an aging aunt and uncle that I love very much and can only physically "help" rarely ~ I live in Maryland and they're both in Georgia.

    I look for pretty cards on sale and use times when I'm sitting with my warming pads on my back to drop them a card which they LOVE! And I phone them just to tell them I'm thinking about them even when I can't be there to help more.

    It's wonderful that you and your mom can talk these things through ~ and that you both understand eachother's needs and limitations . . .

    You're a good daughter ~ don't ever forget that!
  12. Honora88

    Honora88 Member

    to have a daughter like you. Just knowing that you are always there for her is the greatest comfort and is her saving force.
  13. jewels920

    jewels920 New Member

    I am the only daughter, locally. I have a brother in Wisconsin but he's far away and suffers from OCD. He's not well enough to take care of anybody.

    I am thinking about having a trusted friend or relative come in for a few hours a week--just have to find that person. I don't worry too much about my mom being a victim of abuse...or a victim of any kind, for that matter. She's more likely sneak up behind somebody and hit them over the head with a lamp than she is to hide any kind of abuse or stealing for fear of retribution. So at least I don't have to worry about that.

    I'm just not willing to call a "service" and have a stranger do some chores for her. My man is a cop and he knows all about elder abuse from some of those companies. Although a nurse wouldn't be as much of a worry, mom doesn't need medical attention. She needs someone to scrub the kitchen floor and change the cat box! A nurse won't do that.

    I just have to trust that the right person will come along that can provide the kind of help we need.

  14. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    You might want to try calling churches in your area and asking if they have people who do that. That's how my parents found their help and it's a completely different religion from them, that doesn't matter. The cool thing is they're great people, I've met them and they refer my parents to they're trustworthy friends from the same church for other things that come up, like computer help etc...

    Btw, I'm listening to Byron Katie again tonight. I haven't for awhile but emotional family stuff is coming up and taking over my mind again so I'm listening to it again and it's helping so much. I thank you eternally for letting me know about her. :) I'm sure I'll be revisiting this DVD many times throughout my life. She's on Youtube too if people want to check her out.

    Hope you find someone for your mom. It will be a big load off your mind if you find someone good. Another suggestion is Merry Maids or the like. We have them clean our place once a month and like them a lot. They're trustworthy too.


    [This Message was Edited on 07/20/2008]