Dad's recent death, taking care of mom, my worsening depression

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Chelz, Jun 30, 2008.

  1. Chelz

    Chelz New Member

    When my father suddenely passed away this past May, everything has been crumbling. My mother is 79 and was totally dependent on my father. I lived with both parents since I was never able to afford housing on my own.

    I have had to take care of all of his bills, and of course mine as well, contact an attorney, call social security, call about his pension plan to see if my mother was eligible to get a part of it, sell his car, which I did and basically take care of everything this list could go on and on, but I will spare you all the details of that.

    My parents were foreign, but my father tried his best to educate himself, not so with my mother. They have both lived in this country for over 50 years, yet my mom can't even write a check.

    I have a sister and brother-in-law who have only helped minimally, even though my sister knows my own health condition with my FM, this makes me so sad beyond any words can describe.

    I think she feels it's all up to me since I live with my mother, not fair.

    My job is very demanding which was a problem before all this started and because of chronic pain and fatigue problems, I have always suffered a mild depression, now it is overkill for me.

    I find myself snapping at my mother a lot, which always makes me cry afterward because I know she is grieving as well. She is needy and needs to know where I am all the time, I'm surprised she's not walking down the steps right now asking what I'm doing as I'm writing this post.

    I feel angry, lonely, hurting physically and emotionally, I don't think I am even strong enough to go seek help, but then again a doctor would only put me on drugs and my particular FM body does not withstand antidepressant drugs, so I am between a rock and a hard place.

    A close friend at work told me I am showing signs of typical bereavement and the depression and anger that could go along with it. My body hurts, my FM is out of control once again, and even though I love my mom very much, I admit I am angry she is so clueless about everyting. She was needy before my father passed away, now it's much worse.

    I wish I could get out and exercise, but my body does not respond well at all to exercise at least not anymore, so I have lost that as well. What should I do, I'm terrified this will only be a downward spiral for me and my mom. Sorry for sounding angry and uncaring, but so much has been put on me. I am single with no one else to help me or my mom, I don't think any drug can help this situation. Thank you for listening, hugs to all Chelz.

  2. JewelRA

    JewelRA New Member

    First of all, my condolences on the loss of your father. I lost my precious Daddy last July, and I am still grieving for him so much.

    I experienced a lot of what you are experiencing after he died. Worsened depression, flaring of FM symptoms...

    My mother has also become more needy than before, but she is still financially and phyically independent, so it is not as intense as your situation. Plus you have a job on top of all this! Cut yourself some slack! You are really going through alot.

    My doctor wanted to up my antidepressants after my Dad died, but I refused. I knew that what I was experiencing was normal grief and I did not want to medicate that. I am so glad I listened to my instincts, as I don't do well with meds anyway, and would have just ended up with more side effects and still grieving.

    I saw a counselor a few times, and I have to admit that really helped me just to see that what I was going through was normal, and that I wasn't going crazy! Maybe that would help you.

    There are also some really good grief support groups out there. We have one at my church which is faith-based, and I have wanted to go so much, but it just hasn't worked out with my schedule.

    Hang in there. Time will heal, although if you were close to your Dad like I was, the pain never completely goes away.

    Is there anything you could cut back on right now? You have so much on your plate! Work? Be more insistent on your sister and BIL helping? Hired help?

    I will be praying for you.

    Gentle Hugs,
    [This Message was Edited on 06/30/2008]
  3. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    i am very sorry for your loss. you are so lucky to have had a caring father and i am sure he was very lucky to have had you.

    i could read only part of your post due to brain fog...but my heart goes out to you.

  4. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. I can imagine that must be very painful.

    You don't sound angry or uncaring at all. You have a right to be frustrated with your mother and your sister for not helping. It should not all fall on you. Your mother needs to learn to take of herself. It would actually be better for her if she did. What if something happens to you and your sister?

    Your sister and mom probably have no idea how much you suffer with this dd. That's typical unfortunately. You have a right and a need to put yourself first. Do what you have to for yourself and then only help with what you want to. That's what I suggest. It's not mean, it will help your mother grow up. I don't know if you can do that but that's what I suggest. I think a counselor who knows about developing boundaries could be helpful to you too.

  5. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    with Teejay when it comes to gently teaching/letting your mom start doing more for herself. I don't think you are uncaring at all .

    I think you have been unfairly burdened with family . I understand some "old-world" ideas about the mother/wife in a family .

    Neither of my grandmothers ever learned how to drive , so we had to take them everywhere . It did get worse when my grandfather died.

    It seems as fasr as your sister and brother-in-law are concerned , they are being selfish . The just are not bothering to see the whole picture and I personally think that it is just because they are taking the easy way out.

    I am so sorry that you have many burdens that others should be sharing with you and carrying with you. It is so hard to not feel well and "keep your cool " on top of all that is going on.

    I think you are doing the best that you can in the circumstance and that you need to be easier on yourself.

    May I make a suggestion ? Could you have your mom go for adult day care a couple of times a week ? Maybe to a place where they can also councel your mom on daily living skills ? Just a suggestion as I know it is not my place to tell you to do anything.

    Well , I just wanted to say that I hope and pray that things work out. If you do not mind , I will keep you in my prayers.

  6. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    Like all of the other posters, you have my condolences.

    By taking care of yourself you will be able to take care of your mom.

    However, you should not have this responsibility on your own.

    Would a meeting with family members help?

    I remember when caring for my FIL, one of the best things we did was to have him go to an adult day care facility. I think they may have had a sliding scale. Plus he loved it!!

    Healing thoughts,
    [This Message was Edited on 06/30/2008]
  7. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    in careing for your mom and your self.thats all you can do.
    i found alot of resourses, such as elder care to be a help to me.
    my mom just went to heaven sept 28th last year.
    one month after my birthday.
    i also was half dead from dispare and loosing my dad also and being sick and also not being able to help my mom as she really needed.
    she was with me 24/7, as she got more and more feeble, im sure she was silently afraid of what was
    happening to her
    and i was the only one she could also depend on,
    as you are going thru that now.
    i also was loosing my temper and grumbling ,
    but i see now that i was afraid of what was happening and it was coming out directed at her.
    deep down , i was like a little kid-
    scared of loosing my mom and not knowing what to do.(and i was 53!)
    tho Lord knows id give anything to not have done it now.

    the grief and remorse,
    is very hard.
    i miss my mom terribly now.
    she had just turned 80 when she passed away here at home. shed lost her apt during katrina and came and lived with me for only 2 years.
    do you have a church home that could maybe help out in someway?
    i know it is very hard now for you,
    but it will pass.
    i do pray that you will get some decent pain medication cause that would be such a tremendous help.
  8. Cinlou

    Cinlou New Member

    So sorry about your you are alone taking care of your mother....this would make anyone depressed.
    I lost my father 8 years ago....he died in my home...he lived with me.

    It seemed that I was the one who did not get a break from the endless, taking care of him..I also worked....I did have a SIL that would come and be with him for a few hours while I was at work......but night and weekends it was me..

    Now I have lost my mother and I took care of her too....while working and having my own family. What I am trying to say is.....this too shall pass.....

    Let your siblings know how you feel and tell them they need to take responcibility should not have to do it all..your health is at stake.

    Bless you..take care of you...good advice on this board...
  9. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about all that you're going through.
    I don't have any helpful suggestions except to say, that everything is going to be magnified on top of a grieving, broken heart.
    Give yourself some slack. You're dealing with an awful lot!
    Take the time you need to grieve. You can only do so much.
    Ask for help- wherever, whenever you can.
    Remember too, we are here for you.

    So terribly sorry for your loss.