Damage to kids and marriage

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Tea4TwoMom, Oct 16, 2002.

  1. Tea4TwoMom

    Tea4TwoMom New Member

    Hi ya'll. I am wondering if any of you have problems with your illness affecting you being able to be a good mother and wife? Do you think this will have a lasting affect on my kids? They are both girls, 16-1/2 and 14. I really worry about that. Any suggestions at all, will be EXTREMELY apprecitated. Also, my husband and I really don't have much of a relationship - of any kind - any more. It makes me so sad and feeling lost. But when I try to talk to him about it, he always says it is because I am ill. What should I do? Thank-you in advance as I know that many of you will have thoughts and ideas to share. Thank-you also for being there for me. Tracey
  2. Tea4TwoMom

    Tea4TwoMom New Member

    Hi ya'll. I am wondering if any of you have problems with your illness affecting you being able to be a good mother and wife? Do you think this will have a lasting affect on my kids? They are both girls, 16-1/2 and 14. I really worry about that. Any suggestions at all, will be EXTREMELY apprecitated. Also, my husband and I really don't have much of a relationship - of any kind - any more. It makes me so sad and feeling lost. But when I try to talk to him about it, he always says it is because I am ill. What should I do? Thank-you in advance as I know that many of you will have thoughts and ideas to share. Thank-you also for being there for me. Tracey
  3. Girlof41

    Girlof41 New Member

    My relationship with my family has deteriorated, because I am too fatigued to do everything I can to them. I think that's the core of the problem for me, I gave my myself away, and now I don't have anything left. My husband and I can't discuss anything anymore, he's not a good communicator and I am afraid to talk to him because it get's so mean. I have decide to do what I can and try to be pleasant.Live each day separtely and care for yourself.
  4. allhart

    allhart New Member

    with 5 kids of my own the only thing im hoping is this dd teaches them compassion for others im a better mother then others without this dd if your not beating them or neglecting them then your doing fine and even if you feel your not spending enough time with them talking to them is the most important thing a parent can do, my kids know they can tell me anything and ill always be there to support them,i wish my parents were that way
    as for your husband i cant recommand anything right now im to mad at mine!hopefully someone else will help
    youll be in my prayers
  5. Cactuslil

    Cactuslil New Member

    message of thanks! I was at what I thought was my last kink in the rope when I came in, fatigued from crying through late evening through late sundown. This computer was my daughters but I turned in on and "fate" led me to this forum. That was three years ago.

    Honestly giving any personal info is something that scares the bejeebers out of me. I used to ignore questions like your for fear of hurting an already hurting brother or sister but I'm "braving" up.

    I have two grown daughters; one is 33, married; one is 28 and a year ago she resentfully moved in here. I have a son 10; I am early 50's. No husband. My children have fathers but I have no spouse. Thankfully they are managing to have a relationship of some sort with their dads; my son has a different father, whom has just, within the last year, gotten in contact with; he left before my son ever had memory of him. My illness or lack of wellness, helped nail the coffin to that already tenuous relationship or relationshit; whichever most appropriately fit the situation.

    Your daughters are at an age that is tough on all; they love their mom (you) but instinctively they know they must begin to prepare for their independent future. No fun! Atleast that was my perception! But I am a long, long standing depressive and that usually carries a dark cloud on many of my thoughts.

    Do you have a psychiatrist you can turn to to find out if you are clinically depressed? If you are depressed only due to your situation, that professional can direct you to an appropriate psychologist or group.

    Please don't think I am coming on like Miss LevelHead because I am anything but level-head! I have done a royal job of screwing up my own life so I surely am not going to give any except to say reach out to someone qualified, who can help you through this transition. I have been treated since the age of 13 and I am in my early fifties..I think 53 or 54 (1949) and my mental illness is clinical; however when I get a situational problem on top of the dysthymia, I am in trouble! Good problem solving to you; and if you are from a family where mental illness is still shrouded in black (as is most of my family and community ie. south texas), work in quiet ways until you reach where you want to be...you don't need the criticism from folks who truly believe the mind, brain, cannot fall ill! Love CactusLil'
  6. Tea4TwoMom

    Tea4TwoMom New Member

    Thank-you for your thoughts. I do try hard with my girls. I cannot tell you how many games I have sat through on those god awful bleachers, cheering them on. But then the house is always a mess, dinners are kind of run of the mill now. Which for us is bad as I am an extremely good cook - okay use to be! I spent a lot of time in my bed with my girls, talking, watching TV, doing homework and whatever until Mom falls asleep. Then they usually tuck me in, kiss me good night and finish what ever. The next morning when I realize that it happened again, I feel so bad. I have got to figure out a way to get over these guilties about what I can and cannot do anymore! You guys are the best! Love ya!! Tracey
  7. MsJoey

    MsJoey New Member

    If they are tucking you in at night, then you must be doing something right! It sounds to me like you have taught them one of the most valuable life lessons that there is, love and compassion and caring for someone else. How can they possibly blame you for something that is NOT your fault? After all, you (we) didn't ask for this damned disease. I had two kids, girl now 25 and overseas in military (navy) and she is quite independent and does not understand or listen about this DD. My son, on the other hand, is 21 and just out of the nest. He has grown into a most loving and compassionate individual. I strongly believe that, if not for me having this illness, he would NOT have this special compassion and understanding that he has. He has always listened, even when I felt there was NO one else in the world to hear me. He has never been judgemental. Now he is going to be a daddy in April, and I am confident he will be an excellent father. My belief is, if someone chooses not to listen or understand us, then it is their loss, not ours. If family members don't communicate with us, then they are the losers and, quite frankly, not nice people. There are a bunch of those uncaring ones in my family here and there. The ones who take the time are the truly good people of this earth, be they friends, family, whatever. Wow, I didn't mean to go off so much, but this is a subject I feel very strongly about. My husband sort of half-ass tries to understand, but he doesn't want to hear anything at all. (!!) But let him get some kind of "owie" and jeez louise, you know how that goes. WAAAAH!!!!! LOL!!!! At any rate, Mom, you've already done your job and it looks good to me!! Hang in there with us all!!!
  8. blast

    blast New Member

    With your children. I was going to suggest to do all those things you do with your children in bed with you, but as I read on you are already doing it!!!!!!!!!!
    Wow, so glad to hear someone else doesn't want to let their kids slip away, and how cool is it that they can tuck you in every now and then. Mine are 3 and 11 and are the only thing I live for right now. My hubby is very ill also, with renal failure and other complications from diabetes, and so do both of my kids, have Type 1 diabetes, so this is what keeps me going. There is no one else to do it.
    As for hubby that is a whole other issue. We, like the two of you, fight. Primarily over each others illnesses. Since we are both chronically sick, he seems to think his is much worse than me and I say we shouldn't try to out-sick one another. Sometimes I know he is so tired from his treatments and every other week hospital stays, but darn it I'm exhausted too, and am doing it all. I wish there was a way for or other halves to see how ill we are sometimes, especially the flare-ups and really bad days. (When even our meds don't work)
    Keep up the good work, and don't worry about your children. Sounds like they are going to be great moms one day themselves, if they are already taking care of you. Maybe your hubby can get some tips from some very smart teenagers!
  9. roro

    roro New Member

    I feel that I am a great mom, in some ways BECAUSE of my illness. My son is very responsible, mature, and compassionate. He is really an amazing kid for 12. As for my husband, he could not deal with my illness. He called me lazy and made me feel bad about myself. One time when I asked him about sex, he's told me its natural to not be attracted to someone who's sick. He said that in the wild, animals do not want to mate with sick animals. I thought that was really mean, but unfortunately NOT the meanest thing he said. Well, I left his a$$. He was not my son's real father, just a step dad, and when I found out he was negatively affecting my son as well, I called it quits. I am with someone now who loves me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated.
  10. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    Yes the diagnosis has affected my children and my husband. Some in positibe ways, some in not such positive ways.

    Before the diagnosis, I wasnt so strong emotionally, I wasnt such a great listener, not spending time with my children, listening or watching them. Now with the time on my hands, the newfound emotional stability, I see and sense more things around me. They know I am sick, but they do not really understand it all. I do not really think that anyone can really understand Fibromyalgia, unless they experience it firsthand. My sons are ages 10, 12 and 15-almost 16-next month. Before the diagnosis, I did it all, laundry, cooking, housework, cutting the grass, everything. Now I have learned to teach my children, have them pitch in more around the house. Take on more responsibility, which is what they need anyway. It takes all in a family to make it work. I appreciate watching a good movie, playing games, helping with homework, litstening to them, watching them grow. The little things like this make me happy. So I have to say with my boys,its not so bad at all, its all beautiful.

    It takes everyone in a family pitching in and helping out, to make it work.. So that brings up the father, my husband. And he don't help. Even with whatever understanding he has with what my capabilities are, he still don't help.

    Some things never change.

  11. pamelasng

    pamelasng New Member

    Hi Tracey, I have the guilts something bad at times re my children they are 15 and 16 and I passed this DD on to them.They try hard at everything they do but lack of understanding from just about every one they know makes everything twice as hard, I cant work so money is tight,my husband has to work as a handyman to have some form of employment but it cost a lot to do the jobs so little is comeing in. Some days I could cry they are just so worn out and I find Im not able to give them all the support they need and our GP is not the least bit interested. We are one tired family but the one solid thing that keeps us going is love... and lots of it. At times we can get really upset with each other but when we sat down and talked about it we all knew it was from the pain and other things+++ that was makeing us so angry. I cant understand it I was working had everything going for me just married then had a work accident, had 2 disc fusions in my neck then ...FM...All I can tell you is love is like a glue it holds and binds things,at times it may need topping up. I think that FM can make us think things are worse than they really are in relationships so we look for reasons to attack {in the emotional sense} the ones we love. None of this is fair like a lot of things but we just to get over or around them in order to keep going. I guess thats why we have this site and each other for support,When I said I get the guilts I do but I do know that it was out of my control and if I were to carry these feelings around in my head I would not have the room for the things that count. The fact that your concerned about your children and partner,shows you are a good wife and mother,talk talk talk with them all and tell them how you feel. My thoughts are with you... Bye Pam..
  12. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    My husband actually left me because of my condition, but that's another story. My girls are actually coping fairly well, they have learned compassion and help me around the house. The only thing I can add to what others have mentioned is that I have gotten mentors for all three of my girls. The mentors take them out and entertain them once or twice a month, and it's a real treat. So far my girls have gotten to go bowling, and another time out for pizza and ice cream, things I would not be able to do with them. And they're not spoiled--they really appreciate these small outings.

  13. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I think that is a wonderful idea about mentors for your children. I think I will try that too. Thanks for passing that info on.

  14. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    25, 26, 27 and 28 and I rarely get a bit of concern from them. They grew up knowing I was sick, very critically at times and they think I'll always "pull through" 'cause I always have.....so far. When I was in the hospital recently for a liver biopsy, I let them know I'd be there. No calls or visits. When I was out of work for weeks and weeks with a fractured foot and depression, no calls, no visits. They are all only an hours drive from me. Make no mistake, we've all had a great relationship and were always very close and clingy, but when they left home, they left me! I know they love me, but they are either in denial or just don't care anymore. My first marriage broke up, partly because of my health issues. This bothers me, because as a nurse, I am a caregiver by nature and I try to help everyone I can and my kids know I can be trusted to be there any and all times I'm needed, but none of them do the same for me. OK, WAAAAA-WAAAAA, I'm through boo-hooing. I don't think this helps me a bit, so I'll stop. Sorry!

  15. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I have a 13-year-old, too, & I worry about her, too. But I really believe what someone else said about kids growing up with us, maybe being more compassionate & patient as adults! My sister-in-law is raising two teen boys alone & she has had very severe, disabling depression for years. She worries about her boys, but so far they are showing signs of being more sensitive & caring than maybe your average rowdy teen boy-- the kind who may hopefully grow up to be thoughtful, patient men who actually LISTEN to what women have to say, & treat them respectfully. I try to make sure my daughter understands my illness so she isn't scared, but try also not to burden her too much. So far, she's growing up to be a neat kid (but we have all those teen years ahead..!) and I'm proud of her. My hubby's pretty supportive, too, but the neat thing about this group & my support group in my town, is that we get the REAL understanding there, people who really know what we're going thru. So utilize that support all you can! And try not to worry about your girls, it sounds like they're doing well...

    Hugs, Pam
  16. Joannie

    Joannie New Member

    I wanted to tell you i think you are doing a good job. It sounds like you are doing the best you can possibly do for your girls' and they love you very much. I wanted to cry just reading what everyone had to say. Very emotional topic. My children are still quite young. 11&1/2, 10, & 6&1/2. I remember after my injury our oldest son rebelled pretty bad. He always being an honor roll student chose not to do his homework. He had 4 days before grades were in and I found the list {hidden from me of course}of 11 late assignments. I could barely walk but went straight to the school. He was totally imbaressed and we together found all of his late assignemts. He spent the next four days doing nothing but homework and still made honor roll thankfully. He is still an honor roll student. I believe truly that when we are all with this illness that everyone needs to still be reminded and shown we are loved. That must have been what helped him to realize although I am down and out I am still aware of everything and he is still loved. My two little ones are not as helpful as Jeffery is. If I am not feeling well he will begin cleaning and round the two little ones up and tell them to get helping him Mom doesn't feel good and they need to help me. I believe that this illness has helped him to become a wonderful giving person and understand that people do need to be loved no matter what situation they are in.
    As for the Husbands. I mean this out of NO disrespect for men at all okay. I believe that men are more needy then they let on to be. I always say that I have four kids' not just 3 my oldest is 6'4 and 210lbs. Men do not always know how to show their emotions. They tend to hold everything inside and it is bothersome to them. They do not know how to express themselves I think. It is hard for a man to come to a woman and say I am depressed or I feel alone. My Hubby and I have had a lot of ups and downs with this. He rebels like the kids', he won't talk to me, he ignores all of us but what I have tried to understand is I am not the only one with this DD. My family has to live with me through this too. I am terrible I know in flare ups. Don't talk to me just leave me alone. I didn't realize how much I was hurting my Hubby by shutting him out. I recall one time telling him to leave just get out, I am too tired to deal with the kids' and with him. He turned to me and said I am not going anywhere. It is bad enough we have to live with this illness our children do not need to deal with a divorce too. You may not be who you were but I still love you and if you would just show me some kind of effection sometimes it wouldn't be so bad. That is all I want is to know you care about me darn it. Don't you think I have feelings too? I still cry everytime I think about it. In 13 years he never opened up to me in that type of way. But it hurt because you know he was right!! I shut him out all the time. I would see him get depressed and quiet and I would think why is he I am going through this not him. I was wrong he is too. I have found by watching him and his actions I know the signs of his pulling away. So, I try to think things through in my mind how have I been acting lately? We don't talk much honestly about the illness. I can talk to him but he really doesn't want to hear it, very upsetting but I still tell him anyways. I have found that just by a touch whether it be me walking past him and touching his arm or just by a kiss on the cheek tends to bring him closer to me. It is so hard to say what will work for other people but I just know that I love to be loved so I figure my Husband wants to be loved and shown effection too.
    I truly wish you luck with everything. Please don't come down so hard on yourself. You can only do the best you can and you are. I truly believe this DD brings too much guilt and too much loneliness into our lives along with it.