Dating and Disability

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lrning2cope, Nov 22, 2008.

  1. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    Has anyone thought of what to tell someone if they asked you for a date? Would you tell them right away about your diagnosis or would you wait ?

    For me , I would have to be pretty good friends with someone first , so they would know about all my health challenges. I have been told by my small group of friends that the man would have to be pretty special ( I interpret that as willing to put up with a lot ).

    It is just that lately , I really am longing for a close relationship . My daughter won't be around forever and I don't want to be alone. Yet , when I think of putting someone through "all this" I think it would be selfish of me .

    It sounds silly , but I am praying that a younger man would come into my life . Not extremely younger , but a few years , so he could handle all the physical stuff . I might inherit my parent home on 5 acres and it would be so cool to find someone who loved huge old trees and old houses and was willing to help me preserve them both.

    Wow, I think I need to cut down my pain meds. It is just a dream that may never happen , but it is a dream that I wish would happen. Does any of this make sense to anyone ? Is it selfish to bring someone into "this" lifestyle ?

    Just dreaming today , I guess. Hoping . Wishing it could be different.

  2. piratelife

    piratelife New Member

    I was diagnosed about 5 years ago and being single in my late 20's I have dated some. I've tried doing it both ways-telling up front and waiting. For me, it works better up front because I won't be thinking about it so much. In my experience it is more about how you tell them and what you say then it is when you tell them. If you go to a psychiatrist I would wait to tell them that part-it didn't work out so well, lol. I must be crazy! For the most part, I would see what kind of vibe you get from the guy and go from there. I usually tell them on the second date. You don't want to make him feel obligated to help you or pressured. Be prepared for independence because even if you find someone you never know what the future holds. Well, that is all I have for you. Of course, I'm still single, so you may not want to look to me for the answers, lol.
  3. goofgirl

    goofgirl New Member

    Hi Holly,

    You know, I just saw a story on the news about a pharmacist who fell in love with one of her patients who came to her pharmacy. Knowing he was sick, they still ended up becomming a couple, and when he needed a kidney transplant, she turned out to be a perfect match. She donated a kidney to him, and they are still together through it all. My point in relating that story is that relationships can trump difficulties, even, and especially, if the difficulties are what bring the two people together in the first place. You CAN meet the right person who will love you, "warts and all." I was lucky enough to meet my husband five years ago next month on eharmony. I know a lot of people find internet dating weird or whatever, but there's something about the personality test on eharmony that really does match you with people who have the same values and personalities. We have not had an easy time of things, with deaths in the family, financial issues, and of course my health, but I couldn't wish for more out of a partner.

    So yes, it is possible, missy... please don't just brush love and companionship off as an unachievable dream. I would suggest waiting until after a few dates and you getting to know each other before talking about your illness. Not that people won't be understanding, but in my experience it's best to start off with the positive stuff until a few dates have gone by. By then they've gotten to know you and will be more willing to make the effort to listen and find out what's really going on with you. Hang onto your dream and follow through with it; we all deserve someone to love and lean on, and there are wonderful, understanding men out there (and maybe even some younger ones, too...! ha ha...) I wish you the best!!

    [This Message was Edited on 11/22/2008]
  4. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Is it selfish to bring someone into this "lifestyle" - only if that's all you have to offer someone.
    Are you defined by your illness? Is there more to you than that?

    OF course there is!!

    As soon as you change your thinking, you will start to attract different people to you!

    Think of all of the people who are quadrapalegics etc. - they have relationships. Everyone deserves love and companionship. It's not a dream.

    People fall in love with people because of the way they feel when they are around them. Think of all of the other wonderful qualities you have - (forget the illness altogether for a minute).
    Can you love? (yes!!) then, you can be loved!

    I'm married, so I can only give you what I think I would do if I was dating. I would probably get to know the guy a little bit first - develop that friendship. I wouldn't want to go on a date with some guy who laid all of his life out on the table the first date... it's a progression. BUT, I would not hold information from him for a long time that's for sure - or someone is liable to get hurt. HOW you say things is just as important as what you say (as previously mentioned).

    Don't ever stop dreaming - ever!

  5. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    for the replys. You all have really good advice and points.
    Janalynn : You really made me think . In some ways , I have become my fibro. DD and I didn't realise that it had gone that far.

    I have diabetes , arthritis all over my body , HBP ..........on and on with different diagnosis , but NOTHING has ever gotten to me and my attitude as much as fibromyalgia has. I have always told fellow diabetics that they are people who have diabetes , diabetes does not have them .

    It is going to take some time to dig out of this way of thinking , but I am so glad all of you put your suggestions and advice here . I will print it out and read it often . I really need to start living again with what I do have and stop dwelling on what I don't have anymore .

    THANK YOU for helping me see that life does not end just because I have fibro ! ! !

    We are all so much more than just this DD .

    Sincerely Holly
  6. dani78xo

    dani78xo New Member

    I was dating this guy for about six weeks a while back, and I didn't tell him right away, though I did tell him eventually. He didn't react badly like I thought he would; he really was just curious, which was nice, because I'm used to being judged and ostracized from my experiences in high school (I'm a freshman in college now).

    I definitely know how you feel, though. I segregated myself from everyone else in high school because I didn't want someone finding out I was sick and judging me for it when they didn't really understand. It gets lonely sometimes, even if you're not hiding from people.