Some times I wonder just why it is that I have the fibro and someone else does not. I sat here tonight thinking about things I have learned all about my life. As a child I had so many plans for my life, I was going to be a nurse and I thought that was the greatest career one could have. I Loved being around people and enjoyed talking with them and I understood the pain that they felt. I seemed to know after I had taken a Nurse Aide class and I was in my internship. I saw a young woman there who story till huants me. At 15 she was not happy at home so she ran away. During the time she was gone she was raped and shot and left for dead , yet she surived why? She can't move any muscels, she smokes and the nurse's would have to take her out side to smoke and they would have to hold her smoke for her. She was still young and so beautiful that it saddened me to see her in a nursing home in a 4 bed ward , with 3 old ladies, one just cried all the time ,alseep , awake she was always crying. One yelled at everyone and complained that there were bugs on her and she wanted to leave. And the last on just laid in the bed and did nothing and her was thing beaaaautiful young woman who was stuck in this room with these women and all there problmes and I wanted to know how she stayed sane threw all this . I have not been back in many years and I don't know if she is stil living or have the infection that paralized people get can cause more problems for them. But I still wondered why her , what had she done to be in that situataion, was she happy and how was she going to live a normal life she wasn't. but she was alive. It was so sad to see her sit there in her wheel chair and do nothing at all. To have lost in her early life the abliity to do all tings for her self. Was this the best thing for her? I don't know if it was. But as a intern I could not do any thing but my job. I have looked at my life and wondered why me , why is iit that I am the one who has fibro, degenerative disc diease, spinal stenosis, bulging disc's L4-L5** L5- S1, osetoartrisis in both knees. and left wrist. I have chronic meyofacitis. MY life is now filled with pain. And it is not what I had planned for my life so why me? What did I do to have all the problems with my health when you are still adding things like asthma, copd, a chronic cough, costochronditis, headaches and my back has been hurting me so very much and I want to know why? I always thought that I was incontrol of my life adn the things I could do ,but after the dignosis of the fibro I gave up. I now knew taht my lie as I had known it was gone forever, never would I be able to do the things I enjoyed doing, like taking a long walk with my husband, I would not be able to lift my grand children or get down on my knees and play with them, yes I oculd have someone hand them to me and I could play with them that way and I love my grand children.But this was not what i thought my life would be as I turned 50. I have not done the things I thougt I would have done by now. Gone back to school and become a LPN.But as I am restricted in my lifting and standing and walking I am do do these things as they will only make the pain greater. AS I child I had leg aches and I was given asprin adn vitimin C to take and it helped but I still had them,now it is my back that is giving me the worst pain and I am really struggling with this. So how do I deal with this life I didn't plan to have? I belive that there are thing in your life that God has put to make you stronger so is this it? I Know taht I am a blessed person as I have so many friends that can help me with these feelings here at this forum. But I wonder what life would be if the pain was not ther for me to deal with? What would i be doing? would I be happy and married and doing all the goals that I once had dreamt of doing? I have learned that I can paint, I do tole painting, it means painting on tin in french. And I also do decrotive painting and I am really good at it.I have made a Welcome Bear for a neighboor for her birthdays adn christmas and she loves it and it hangs in her house along with other things I have painted for her.I can take a blank peice of wood and trace on a pattern and somehow as I start to base each color on the painting something happens I find that I can make it look like someone who has painted more than I look like they ahve done this item yet it is me. I have found a love that I enjoy and I love painting christmas things, Sant's and Mrs Claus, I have learned to chalk too, I have a winter snowman who has been sprayed with a sealer and then chaaalked with chalks that are light and pastel and it looks like some one else did it and it is really good. AS I stated to paint I felt better about me, may be I was not helpeles and worthlessany more as pople have aske me to sell them what I have painted. I was working at a craft store working on a store display and a woman came up to me and asked to buy the peiece and I said that it was a demo and not for sale. But she kept pesstering me to make her one and that she would pay me what ever I wanted her to no questions asksed. I was shocked why would she want my painings they were not perfect but did look really good. So finally I put together this snow amn who was in 9 peices and I would base them and put the plaid on teh snowmans pants and I worked on this project at my home and it was so fun and I called the lady and she still wanted this so much adn asked me what did I want her to pay for it she was wiling to pay what I asked her to pay, many amounts went through my mind but finally I came to the conclusionnnn taht it was not really hard and it was painted in peices and then wired into peices . AS I thought about what would be a reasonalbe price that would pay me for my time and expences but not charge her so much that she owuld not want to pay that amount. So after much prayer i came to the decision that I would charge her $30.00 and I took it to her and she took one look at it and the smile on her face was so big adn I knew that she loved it so i told her the price adn she ust wrote me a check for the amount i had said it would be. Suddenly I was doing something that was worth while and usuful.And that I enjoyed doing. I now paint my christmas decoratations and I have painted a nativity scene that I love. I painted stockingholders amd fop my MOM I stained a pre cut violin and it's base and I put glued it so that it was staning up right and them I placed the peice of paper on it that had the story called " The touch of the Masters Hand" that was called YOU may have heard this story of this old viloin that was up for sale and no one was bidding on it. It was old and had not been played in many years or lovinly played, What do you say $5.00 , $20.00 what wil you give me for this old viloin and no one was bidding one is so teh bids were now what wil you give me for this peice $1.oo , $2.00 and from the back of the room came a man all grizzled and old he took the battered viloin and started to play it and suddenly beautiful music filed teh old hall.what am I bid for this vilopiln now , $$100 , no $200 , $1,000 $2,00 what will it be. It sold for thousands of dollars all because of the touch of the masters hand. ARE we that way just waiting for the touch of the masters hand. are we to stop mopping about and start doing things that we enjoy, I wonder if I will be in pain everyday I am here but that is the wrong way to look at it. I have been blessed with many talents that I enjoy and some that I don't even know about, I can paint on wood, and cermics. I can take a peice of wood and make it look beaautiful and lovely once more, I think that somethins we are given trail and tribluatations to teach us that we can do more than we think we can do. WE still can learn and grow and feel good about us. I have learned that I can do things like painting on wood and have it turn out like it is a bear that is dressed up in a dress & pantaloons,& apron and a lace doliy around her neck her arms & legs are made of wire and the sewing in minumal. Yet when she is all done she looks like a beutiful bear with a dress & pantaloons on her. She looks happy to sit on bed or a counter & she is smiling and brings joy to those who have her in there homes & work places. I can take some wood and make a bear that is climbing up a ladder to get to the christmas tree, or a bear holding a star and it makes this tree look diffeerent than any one you will ever see. AS each peice i paint are different and not alike. They like us are different and are real . I learned that I can do more tahn sit& mope about the things that I can't do in my life , Or I can paint and decroate wood to make it look beautiful once more and I did it and I do it. Maybe the fibro is something that I hvae to teach me to stop whinng about how bad I feel. I may be given this talent to paint so that I will learn to think of others and grow adn learn more andmore and learn that what I paint makes me feel better about my self, Yes I am not teh person I once was but i still have value in my life. I can bring joy to others by painting things that you would not think about painting. I take a old burned out light bulb and spray paint it and then paint it to look like a pumpkin, or witch, dracula, frankinstein, ghosts, mummy's & witches too. And I can make them look like a snow man too . Adn it is not expensive and looks different and like it took hours & hours to paint and that it is far more than the old burnt out light bulbs. Just a thought yes I don't like the pain that this life of pain brings to me but like the old burned out light bulb I can make something worthless and make it into something beautifull and cute a& loved. And people want to pay me to make them, I am the lightbulb not all that i once was, but with help and assistance I can become a beautifull oobject or in my case a person who has gone from not being able to work and feeel like I have worth and now I know that I am a worthwhile person and i have much to give this world. So maybe I must have been put here to learn a lesson about me and all the things I can do when I stop feeling sorry for my self. Yes I still have the days when the pain over takes and over whelms me. But i know that in a few days I will be up and aable to do the things I enjoy and I can make tings that others will enjoy . I have sold things but it brings me more joy to give them to someone who will love it and take care of it and make sure that it is a loved possesion, like I am. I once thought I was of no value and could not do anything for anyone and now I have found worth and love and acceptance in the paintings I do and the ones I give to others. Yes I can't walk very far but i can bring a smile to a chillds face with an old burnt out light bullb taht I hvae now painted adn made look like a mummy, or a ghost, or dracukla, or pumpkins too. I now have found that I have worth in this world.