dealing with the despair?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by scrappinkat, Feb 17, 2006.

  1. scrappinkat

    scrappinkat New Member

    I am finding the longer that I have this FM that the more hopeless I feel. I am pretty annoyed that people pass me off as overweight and depressed, and therefor not needing any help but a good diet.

    I wrote this on my blog the other day - I am not to sure why but I have been having a way harder time than usual dealing with this all. I don't know what I am looking for here but I thought maybe sharing would help me somehow.



    " February 15, 2006

    I saw my doctor today. I think my doctor is great but I left feeling like he can't help me. I don't think he knows how, and I am so scared that no one really knows how. I can't fathom the thought that I am going to be like this the rest of my life. I am angry, frustrated and completely sad about it.

    At times I completely feel like giving up. These are the days that I can't help it, I cry at any little moment I am by myself. I can't stop myself and I cry through reading bedtime stories to Ashlin and Colton because I am just tired and hurting. I cry myself to sleep because I am so exhausted and I know that I only have 5 or 6 hours before I have to start the day over. And that when I wake up there is a good chance I will breakdown in the shower where no one can see me and witness it. So I feel like giving up, how can I continue to fight this when it has broken me.

    And then there is the guilt. Guilt because my children deserve me at my best, and I am no where near close. I have children that deserve to have a mother who is free of this pain and full of life. I feel like I am letting them down. letting Rob down. And that feeling is much worse than sitting here and hurting. So then I resolve to to try harder and ignore the pain and fight through the exhaustion that I feel.

    And here I am at square one again. No answers, no solutions.

    Just me.

    I try not to talk about it much. Partly because I just don't like to discuss things like that. But I can't help it now, it is taking over my life and I find it creeping into my conversations more and more. I realize I am not talking to people that I care about, the people that know me, the friends that I want to talk to. I am closing up on them, it seems easier to not talk at all rather than talk and try to find things to say that don't bring anyone down. "
  2. claudiaw

    claudiaw New Member

    I feel exactly the same.
    I feel like I have let down my husband, I can no longer, wrok, cook, clean, or drive. He does it all.
    I don't have any kid's, partly because I know I could not care for them ( I can barely care for myself).
    There are day's ( like today) when I feel alone, depressed and hopeless and just plain tired.
    Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just took all my meds.
    BUt then I remember my faith and the good things, like
    my husband, my pet's, sunshine, the few friends I do have
    and that it has to get better!
    At one time I was bed ridden, at least I can shower and walk around the house , microwave my dinner , watch t.v. and get on the computer for a little while. There was I time I couldn't do that.
    So I hope that you are able to try and shift your thoughts to all the good things you have.:)
    No matter how bad we have it, there are people worse off than us.
    I pray you feel better emotionally, physically and mentally.
    You are not alone, I understand!:)
    Take care.
    Claudia
  3. claudiaw

    claudiaw New Member

    hoping someone can give words of encouragement to scrappinkat. Claudia
  4. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    Scrappinkat,
    I understand as I have gained a lot of weight since I got FMS in 1995. I'm not depressed, but the pain can get to you over time.

    I actually had a neighbor ask me how my fibromyalgia was doing. I was shocked he even thought about that. I told him I was having a rough time during the winter and looked forward to the spring and summer, which always seem too short.

    I'm trying to diet, but I have had diabetes for 29 years, type 2, and am on insulin, so dieting is hard. If I have a low blood sugar, I have to eat something like jelly beans and that is to get my sugar back up. I have lost 15 pounds since last May 2005. But that isn't nearly what I need to lose.

    I feel like giving up sometimes, too, but I can't. I have to do the best I can for myself. I try the best I can and I also admit I try to enjoy myself a lot doing activities that I like.

    I'm sorry you are crying about your situation. When I got FMS my two boys were teenagers so it wasn't so very hard for me. One of my sons is getting married on 4/2. He has diabetes type 2 and takes pills. He is normal weight. John is 26 years old.

    The other one lives with us here. He has diabetes and neuropathy of the feet and retinopathy of the eyes, but he still works full time. He is doing okay right now with his diabetes. He is on insulin and pills. Matt is 25 years old.

    Boy of my sons have diabetes type 2. Makes me sick I passed this on to them but diabetes runs in both of my sides of the family and in both sides of my husband's family.

    I'm an only child and so is my husband and my parents aren't alive anymore, so I really don't have any family.

    You aren't alone and I do understand how you feel. You have friends here and you'll always have friends here. :)

    Hugs and :):):)smiles:):):),
    Faye
  5. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    You don't say what kind of doctor you went to but if you haven't been to a psychiatrist you should. I've gone to one for seven years and he has given me quality of life back. I was lucky I was directed to this one and we just clicked.
    I had to have Celexa, can't do without it or I get very depressed within hours. He gives me Ambien to help me sleep. He works with my neurologist who gives me my meds for prevention of migraines.
    Honey, we are all broken somehow but we just hobble along as best we can and we all give each other a shoulder to lean on. Cut yourself some slack for goodness sake. Sit on the couch and watch a movie with your kids, wrap up in a big blanket with them, they will love it.
  6. cindymindy

    cindymindy New Member

  7. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I think do not mean to be unkind, they just do not realise how bad this dd is because it is portrayed as psychological far too often still. I know I am seeing my neuro next week and he does not believe it is a disease so how can he treat it!

    Keep your faith in yourself. When my friend who had always been heavy due to meds, was dying of cancer and thin, people would tell her how great she looked!!! People who treated her badly the whole time she was heavy, would be so much friendlier. Our thin obsessed socety I guess.

    I recently complimented my friend's daughter as she looked great. told her this, how terrific she looked, and said "I think you gained a little weight since I last saw you". I said this as a compliment but apparently I upset her dreadfully as she equated my comment with a negative statement when it clearly was meant as a positive one. She had been thin and drawn when I had seen her previously. This shows how it goes in the world.

    Be good to yourself. Only do what you are able to without stress. Love yourself.

    Hugz Anne C
  8. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Scrappinkat:
    So many tears we have shed in the world of misunderstanding of FM. One day before I found the right rheumatologist and neurologist I found myself face down on the kitchen table crying my eyes out.
    Action. It is the only way to pull out of it. It is so much better to take charge of this miserable disease. I wish you well and thank you for sharing your blog entry.
    Hugs,
    NyroFan
  9. sarahann61

    sarahann61 New Member


    I think you are working too hard, and you may be like I was , and just don't have a choice.

    The harder I worked, the worse it was, had to find a place, of balancing it all. You have to be a little selfish and think about your self. You will be doing your family a favor, by doing so. Maybe ,you are not cranky, when pushed too far, but I was.

    Looking back, wish I had known when to stop, and just take a break.. I needed peace, and quiet, and that would make me feel guilty.. Because, I needed to get away from my kids, I had 5.......................

    Listen to your body, and you are the only one that knows what you need.. It is not your fault that you are sick, and there are a lot of better days ahead of you. Learn to cherish those days, cherish your family.. But, don't try to be a Superwoman. That is even tuff for the well people..............