DEAR SANTA From a mom funny

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by lenasvn, Dec 8, 2006.

  1. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    Dear Santa,

    I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

    I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since
    I had to write this letter with my daughter's red crayon, on the back of
    a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

    Here are my Christmas wishes:

    I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze;
    but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

    I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

    If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a
    refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

    On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy"
    to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and
    three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

    I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

    If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of
    eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a styrofoam container.

    If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten
    the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

    It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized
    crime family.

    Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my daughter saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants her crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in
    and dry off so you don't catch cold.
    Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

    Yours Always, MOM...!

    P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
    children young enough to believe in Santa.

    Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mommies you know.

  2. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Very cute!
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    very funny. Sounds like Erma Bombeck.
  4. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    Erma Bombeck- I did a search on her. I am not sure who wrote this, but it's pretty good too! I don't know who authored the above story.

    Here's the other one:

    The Reasons Why Santa's Got to be a Woman

    I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

    For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.24th, when they (with amazing calm) call other errant men for a last-minute shopping spree.

    Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

    Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

    Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

    Other reasons why Santa PROBABLY isn't a man:

    Men can't pack a bag.
    Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
    Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
    Men don't answer their mail.
    Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
    Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
    Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

    As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

    I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

    [This Message was Edited on 12/08/2006]
  5. mrdad

    mrdad New Member

    Thanks for sharin' those with us. It's pleasant to get
    some light hearted and humorous work on the Board!

    Hope all is going well up there! I'm sure you are keep-
    ing extra busy with the Family this time of the year.

    Have a good weekend,

  6. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    It's always nice to be able to share a smile!

  7. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Great to read your rendition of a Mom's Letter to Santa!! and also Erma Bomeck! I used to read Her stuff alot she was a great Humours Writer,,,,,,,,,,,Hugs and i Hope you get what you ask for! ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,S
  8. mary124

    mary124 New Member

    Had to laugh, my kids are grown up but it bought a smile to my face. I still have my friends grandchildren who calls me "Aunt MayMay" they are 4 and the other is almost 2. --