Denial

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by gen808, Sep 16, 2003.

  1. gen808

    gen808 New Member

    Hi everyone. I've been coming to the board now and then, and really relate to most of the posts on here. For some reason, I just couldn't post myself. But today I was finally able to edit my profile and I'm determined to post something!

    I'm having a lot of trouble with denial. I have FM, and I can say it, but I feel like as long as I put my life on hold and not start really dedicating myself to owning my pain, I can somehow hold onto the capable person I was before. I'm going to psychotherapy, I'm attending pain management class, I'm taking my supplements, I'm getting the books I need to read, but I do everything with such resistance. I don't know why I can't simply embrace all the things I need to do. Why am I dragging my feet?

    Concentration is hard too. It makes reading difficult. I read the same line over and over again and this makes me feel incompetant. I'm trying to replace all these negative messages with positive ones... it's so hard to get out of the rut.

    I'm supposed to be applying for ssdi and I would rather throw myself off a cliff. Why am I feeling so paralyzed? I spend each day practicing escapism instead of dealing with things so that I can make my life better. I try to just go through the motions, and can't understand why it is so difficult.

    I'm currently taking celebrex, neurontin, prozac, and excedrin. I've made an appointment next week to talk to my doctor about guifenasen, though I don't know if my insurance will cover it. And also baclofen and paxil. *sigh* It is so hard to take action to make changes...

    Posting here is one of my steps toward taking action. Thanks for reading. ~gen
  2. CreateHope

    CreateHope New Member

    Hi Gen,
    First and foremost, I want to tell you that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW AND HOW YOU FEEL. There is nothing wrong with the level of grief and emotional pain you are feeling; it is quite normal. When I was first diagnosed with FM 2 years ago and had to quit my job, I couldn't even talk about having lost my job for months. But I did what you are doing, and was in therapy, got to the doctors as needed and started different medications.
    Sometimes I still feel the same kind of resistance you are talking about; it's okay, because I still am taking action as are you.

    You are obviously an intelligent and resourceful person. You are doing something about this. Keep it up. I know how you feel about wanting to throw yourself off a cliff, but instead you came here! Keep coming back and you'll find hope and support.
    Hugs,
    Kate
    [This Message was Edited on 09/19/2003]
  3. kimkane

    kimkane New Member

    YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN SIME GREAT ADVISE. WELCOME TO OUR WORLD, AND ITS NOT SO BAD. PLEASE TAKE CARE KIMK
    P.S. IT COULD BE WORSE
  4. baybe

    baybe New Member

    Welcome, I try the thought, all things are in Divine Order.
    I disagree with it a million times a day, but I believe it's true. I am all over the place with my emotions, but I try to remember, I'm where I need to be an stuff like that. My husband is big on "It just is"
    Thanks for sharing and good luck, I hope you keep coming around , because I need every person and thought I get here. LOL, It's always about me! Really I am glad to meet you.
  5. iggie

    iggie New Member

    HiGen, i have been diag. with fibro oct 1997 due to a work related injury earlier that yr. I worked mod. duties for the company for about 1 1/2 yrs and suffered every day with fatigue memory loss and pain but trugged on. But the days were harder and harder finally I had to leave. My dr, didn't support me because he said i had to stay busy finally depression was getting the best of me I cried and yelled at everyone just not me i was in emotional and physical pain I did not want this I wanted the old me. I WAS ASKED BY DR. TO SEEK COUNCILLING but I DENIED THAT AT FIRST THINKing i WOULD GET MY ACT TOGTHER WHICH i DIDN'T AND FINALLY GAVE IN THE BEST THING i EVER DID i STILL DRAGING MY FEET BUT WITH NOT AS MUCH RESISTANCE. It is just a culture shock when u know you are a hard worker and trying to raise a family and u hurt and tired and now u are financially strapped but I did win my pension from workmens compensation it took awhile I had to hire someone to help it was to over whelming. Denial is tough, its mean and ugly its like u are fighting yourself all the time. I think is called being stuborn but if your like me its hard to giver in, you will servive I did. Gen, u don't have to do this alone there is somany of us that are going through the same things we learn from each other trust me its a long road but you have friends here to help you always. You are doing the right things you have to help yourself and learn what works for you.
    Come to fibro chat we always have a good laugh there or if u need help their always willing to help.

    Good luck kid, sorry for the long note just wanted to let u now you are not alone.
    Iggie


  6. Annette2

    Annette2 New Member

    Welcome! The fact that you posted here is a big step in admitting you have FMS. You can look at this either as "the glass half empty or the glass half full". This is not the end of the world, even though it feels like it may be. As you start learning about this illness you will start to take control over your life. In some ways, it will make you a stronger person. Since I was diagnosed with FMS, I eat better, I exercise and take better care of myself. Believe me, I'm in pain more times than not and wish I never had this. Sometimes I'm so tired I can't move. But most of us are always looking for more answers and more information. At some point you will accept your diagnosis and take the necessary steps to learn more about FMS and what you can do to feel better!

    Annette2
  7. fibrotigger

    fibrotigger New Member

    I, too, had a really hard time when I had to quit working and accept that this DD was here to stay, at least for now. My problem was changing from a human "doing" to a human "being". (I said that once already today so forgive me repeating myself). In some ways, having fibro becomes our full time job. Between dr. appts., pharmacies, tests, etc., researching for anything and everything we can find about our disease, educating those around us, trying to survive the pain and accompanying (word?) depression, trying new meds, keeping track of meds and results, the list goes on and on.

    I'm new here also, just started this board today, but have already read so many positive and uplifting things...keep coming back and keep us posted.

    Gentle hugs,
    fibrotigger
  8. CreateHope

    CreateHope New Member

    One more day has gone by. How are you doing?
    Just wanted to give your message a bump. I hope tonight finds you a little better (hopefully a lot better.)
    Hugs
    Kate
  9. mamacilla

    mamacilla New Member

    i found that i was going through the grieving process. losing your health, your former self, does put us in a grief state, i believe. and for those of us who were taught as children to deny our feelings, it gives us an extra challenge to get through it. it helped me just to realize that i was grieving, though, and i didn't want to be stuck there.

    you are being very proactive! be gentle with yourself and realize it takes time, it's a process.

    mama c
  10. mamacilla

    mamacilla New Member

    i just looked at your profile and wanted to say
    your dog is adorable!
    you have been through alot, hang in there!

    mama c