depressed 12 year old daughter

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by jmq, May 29, 2007.

  1. jmq

    jmq New Member

    Hello fellow parents...I am in desperate need of help. My daughter has been diagnosed since 6 with adhd but now we are convinced she is depressed. She goes to a Psychiatrist and therapist but they are afraid to put her on an anti depressant because of the increase in suicidal beh. in children that take them. She is only on Strattera now.

    I have bad Fibro and other health problems that complicate our life too. I feel so guilty and helpless. She has the following you know this is not the normal pre teen stuff:

    Talks about death, blood and guts things. Only draws those kind of pictures

    Stays in the house..other than school. No friends ever call nor does she call anyone.

    Wears black and likes to say she is Goth.

    Says she does not care if she dies...or if I die.

    Has scratched her arm up with something ( still denies it so I do not know what she used )

    School grades are poor.( was an honor student )

    Was a top athlete and now does not want to play anything...or even watch sports on TV

    Only interest is games.

    She will not go anywhere..movies, dinner, shopping.

    Has no appetite.

    Anyone else going through this?

  2. Fmandy

    Fmandy New Member

    PLEASE HAVE HER THYROID TESTED! My youngest daughter, starting at around age 12, almost drove her Mother and I crazy, until at age 19 our PCP tested her thyroid.

    When the results came back he said it was the worst case of underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism) he had ever seen.

    Our daughter constantly used suicide to manipulate us, i.e. we could not disicipline her or she would threaten us.

    You have quite a battle on your hands. I know exactly how you feel. It is one of the very worst things I have ever experienced. It was a "no win" situation for my wife and I.

    I can tell you one very important thing and that is you and your husband must be united in your efforts. Your daughter will try to come between you and your husband. If she succeeds, she will manipulate both of your lives.

    Sometimes I believe it is close to demonic possession. I am serious about that. My daughter got better after receiving thyroid treatment, but to this day she is a horror, and she is 30.

    My first born daughter is nothing at all like her. She is so good and sweet to me and Mom.

    If I can think of anything else, I will let you know.

    Hugs for now,

  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    and teens...has she been sexually abused as a child? there are so many things that could be going on w/her.

  4. LindaH

    LindaH New Member

    I have two granddaughters. One is twelve and the other will be eight in August. They are both bipolar and ADHD. They have been diagnosed for about three years.

    The twelve year old had exhibited some of the same behvior. The wishing to die and hurting herself only happens when she is in a bad cycle. She is a rapid cyler and can go from happy and almost euphoric to as low as low. Most of the time she is pretty stable. She takes her meds when she is supposed to. I know they are very wary of giving youngsters anti depressants. Fortunately we haven't even thought of them. Her bipolar and ADHD meds seem to be taking care of it for the most part. The thought scares me.

    I hope you can find something to help your precious daughter. I know it may not be the same but mental health issues in the young is so very scary. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep us informed please.


  5. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Your daughter is in serious pain. Children don't change like that unless something happened in their lives that we usually don't know about.

    She needs specialized help, especially since she's under 18 and you can make her go. Don't leave this alone....please, it's much harder to get treatment for our kids once they reach adulthood.

    Sounds like she's begun to 'cut' which would account for the scratches on her arm. It's possible that she's cutting in places you can't see, and you'll never know unless you ask.

    And they don't just use razor blades to cut, anything sharp can be used including picture hangers...(my daughter's fav at one time)

    This is a VERY difficult road to travel down, I know....I really do know. But you have to do all you can to get help for her now.

    Do you know if she's being bullied at school? Or as someone mentioned, was she sexually abused? If you don't know, ask! There's something inside of her that's tearing her to pieces and someone needs to find out what it is.

    When a child starts cutting and seeing it as a viable option to stop their pain, it's a very difficult thing to get them back. They have to learn to fight the urge. It's odd that they find it acceptable, but they're in so much pain that cutting seems to numb/cancel out/get their minds off of/release pain/ etc....

    It won't make sense to you or me but for some reason it does to them.

    Please get this child some help, serious help designed for young girls, inpatient if she needs it.

    Come to think of it, my daughter's hypothyroid too, but just recently dx. She was abused in an afterschool program when she was just 5 years old. We never knew the kind of pain she was in, she hid it so well.

    At least with your daughter, the signs are clear. Please hear her plea for help!


    Nancy B
  6. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    I'm so sorry - I've been through this and more with my daughter as well. I remember being physically sick to my stomuch the first time I saw what she was doing to her arms.

    She is my 4th child. I thought I had seen it all with her sisters, but no, she came up with some new ones for me.

    She is 17 now and our battle too, started when she was in Jr. high. Fist fights (3 of them) - Getting drunk and later high with her friends, bad grades, stealing our truck, cutting school, spending more and more time alone in her room...

    The worst and hardest for us was the self mutilation. I didn't know how to cope with that one. You know, if you search I'm sure my posts are still on here from when I placed my cry for help over 4 years ago on this very same page.

    My daughter isn't ADHD, however she was diagnosed hyperactive with a breathing disorder by the time she was 2.

    Our first call was to a counselor, though I also got a lot of support from the school counselor. She was put on Prozac, but it was scary and I was on suicide watch for the first few months as she adjusted to the meds. She was also being seen by a regular doctor as well to monitor her meds.
    She was on Prozac for a year and weaned herself off of it.

    It took a good two years for us to get her past the self-mutilating. It was horrible. I found myself searching her room for tools, knives, wine-openers, anything she could find. You can hide everything, doesn't matter, if they want to do this they will find a way. A friend of hers used the razor out of a pencil sharpener.

    She still has scars on her arms.

    As a parent this is shameful. I just knew that somehow people were blaming us. First let me tell you this is not your fault. Not hers either, it just is. Look for ways to get past it and not for fault. No one needs to feel blame right now, your battle needs to be directed forward on getting her and you help.

    My daughter was diagnosed bi-polar. She has learned to recognize when she is cycling. She will have depresive periods when it's everything she can do to get off the couch. During these times she just wants to sleep and be alone. I've learned if she is on a serious low to just be there and walk her through it.

    During her manic periods, I have to watch that she doesn't give into impulses and do things that will get her into trouble. These are times that she is most likely to engage in risky behavior.

    I have had to make it clear to her, that bi-polar or not there are consequences to her behaviors, and though it's easier to give into her impulses than for someone who is not bi-polar, she still knows the difference between right and wrong.

    She is 17 now. We have been through alot. I think one of the biggest changes, is that I tend to be more of her friend than a parent figure in some instances but it was what I had to do to keep her alive.

    I found that I really had to step back and just love her through this. I can't tell you how many nights I slept with her as I was afraid to leave her alone.

    I've learned not to sweat the small stuff. I save my behavior battles for the big stuff.

    I don't live in fear much anymore, we are past that thank God.
    She is working now and a junior in highschool. She will graduate mid-term next year. She is doing really quite well. Her grades are back to b's or better except she is almost flunking ART.. ( How do you flunk Art?? lol! )
    She still tends to write gloom and doom in her poetry and journal writings, but it is better than internalizing those feelings.

    She is more what you would probably rock now than goth - We went through the lip and nose and tongue piercings - All are gone now but the tongue. She still wears alot of black and skulls though. I have learned not to sweat what she wears or her makeup anymore. As long as no body parts are falling out I don't make an issue of it. I've found that since I quit making an issue of it her style is gradually getting more and more normal.

    Don't sweat the look so much as what she is feeling. This is the time to be her protector.

    This is also the time to stop telling her what to do and help her learn to make important decisions on her own.
    For instance, she says Mom I'm having trouble with ______.
    Instead of telling her "Do this".
    Start asking her, what do you think you should do? If she gives you an answer that is inapropriate, tell her yes, you could do that but what would the consequences be? What else could you do? It's time to take the time and really listen knowing that you don't have to have the answers to help her find them.

    You know as far as the self-mutilating thing. That was the hardest for me. I found out from her school counselor that it was almost epedimic at my daughter's school. There were alot of kids doing it. I think it started for my daughter as an attention getter - Something her friends were doing. Then it was glamorized in a few movies... But it is an extremly addictive behavior and hard to get control over. And every parent who has a self-mutilator fears that they will go too far.

    How does she like her counselor? Do you go together?

    My daughter went alone except once a month we would go as a family. That is how she wanted it and at the time the counselor said he felt she would open up more that way.

    Oh, also. I know I read a few places in the response that alot of these children have been abused etc. My daughter has never been hit, never been molested, nothing. Her dad and I divorced when she was young, but have both kept in her life. My daughters dad is bi-polar and so is her half-sister. It can run in families. I think it hit us at the age it did because of her rampant teen hormones. Her sisters bi-polar tendancies showed up about the same age.

    I'm not saying your daughter is bi-polar, even depression alone can cause some reallys serious and dangerous behaviors. I'm just sharing what we went through.

    I know I'm rambling and am probably not much help, but I know what your going through and my heart really goes out to you as well as your daughter.

    I'm here anytime you need me.

    Love and prayers for all of you.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/30/2007]
  7. jmq

    jmq New Member

    God Bless all of you that responded. I just turned on the computer and read all of your posts. None of you made me feel worse... Just so relieved and thankful that there are others that went through this too. I feel I have a support system now.

    My husband and I are soo overwhelmed. It is really good you mentioned thyroid because about a week ago, I had to BEG our peditrician to give us a Rx for a thryroid blood work up on her. I should be getting the results tomorrow.

    I am also looking for a place that will do comprehensive psychological and nuerological testing on her. This did all start when her menstration started so I was wondering if some wild hormone thing was happening? When she was 7 and diagnosed with ADHD, they put rule out Mood Disorders on the it would not surprise me if she is bi polar...I just never see the mania cycle! We adopted her at birth. As far as the records go, there is no history of mental illness...but that was totally based on what the birthmother said.

    My daughter ,my hubby, and I all go to the therapist. They have tried to get her to express what has happened...covering sexual abuse and everything else possible. I too have discussed this with her. I was abused at her age and told her about it...hoping it would open the door for her...but nope...she claims " nothing is wrong with me other than you and Dad" She wishes we were dead. I called the school counselor in the beginning of the year because I knew there would be adjustment issues in middle school so the counselor there got to know her early on...and sees her once a week. No opening up to her either.

    When it rains it pours, addition to all this stress on us, I may have breast cancer. I go for surgical biopsy soon. I did not want to scare my daughter, but I needed to prepare her alittle and also let her to know that I need her ( as a daughter and friend ) at this difficult time. She said that she thought it would be cool if I died. Oh well, so much for support. Dont worry, I am not taking it personally. I know she loves me and is just in pain...I just am scared that I will not be around or strong when she needs me the most. I know my husband is totally lost and angry with her. He just wants his baby girl back. He is very old fashion and thinks we should have spanked her as a child!!!!! Needless to say, I am the mediator between them.

    My biggest conflict between my hubby and I is the disapline. When she lies to us, we take away her computer, games, and tv for a week. We always let her have music but that is not too comforting. I get worried that she is so bored and angry, that she will hurt herself again. She does not threaten it...I just see that pain and rage in her eyes and face. So I want to cave in and at least give her ONE of the things back...not her favorite thing...but something to keep her sane and calm.

    The poster who said they slept with thier daughter during the frightning times really hit a nerve. That is what I wanted to do last night! Did your daughter want you in the room? I have asked her if I could sleep with her and she says NO! Of course, if I really think something will happen, I will force my way in. I am just so scared because I do not trust my own judgements right now.

    If I knew what was wrong with her...or that she was on the appropriate meds, then I would go along with the hard line disapline consequences...right now I do not know if its fair to be so hard on her???

    Thank you for listening and responding. Its not like I can pick up the phone and chit chat with other Moms about this. One by one, her friends mothers have mentioned how she has changed so much. Thier daughters are talking back and rebelling...but nothing like this. It scares them away.

    Prayers welcomed (((hugs))))
  8. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    My situation may be a bit different in that my daughter and I always slept together when my hubby was away for work.

    Remember, I was very ill at times and even had a 9 month bedridden flare when my daughter was around 13, so if they wanted to see me, they had to come to my room and usually all piled in the bed with me.

    Up until my daughter moved in with her boyfriend in Jan (I think) and she is 20 years old now, I ALWAYS slept with her whenever we had a med change. I made her sleep with me and hubby slept downstairs.

    She knew the deal, reality is that it was a suicide watch and I even had her on 24/7. She could only go to her room for a minute by herself. (She had an entire level to herself in our house)

    My daughter has been dx with Borderline Personality Disorder (which isn't as nice as it sounds, it's borderline schizophrenic and probably bi-polar) sorry, having trouble remembering right now....and if I'm correct, she's becoming schizophrenic too. Her docs agree and she is being medicated for it which is the only thing that's worked lately.

    This is how I see it.... I'm fighting for my daughter's life. I don't really care if she likes it or not, but I will fight because I love her.

    I'll do anything that's necessary, even above and beyond what I'd do for a 'normal' child...(My son's 26 in a few days, and wonderfully healthy)

    Learn to let go of what you're not responsible for....your daughter is making choices and although it's your job to teach her how to make better ones, it's her job to choose wisely. You didn't cause this, her choices did!

    If you're worried about her in her room, take the door off. It's your house and you need to do whatever is necessary to keep her safe.

    What are the therapists telling you? Anything to give you a clue of what's going on?

    Sorry I'm due to take my meds including my ADHD my poor little mind can be more focused.

    Also, if your daughter wasn't abused, I'd still be thinking about being bullied at school. If I'm not mistaken, those in goth are usually outcasts...pretty much classic scenario.

    You can even check her computer and see if she's being cyber-bullied.


    Nancy B

  9. jmq

    jmq New Member

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and advise. You are all wise, experienced, loving...and strong moms.

    Today was a good was the last day of school and she made 2 B's on her finals! Hubby and I made sure she knew how proud we were of her and took her for ice cream. She actually smiled...although she had the need to remind us that she did not try to make Bs!

    I go to the breast surgeon tomorrow so I will have to take some deep breaths and think positive.

    Talk to you soon....
  10. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Warm thoughts and wishes are being sent your way.

    I hope you have a peaceful and positive day at the doc's office.

    And a smile from your daughter? That's always something to treasure.

    Hopeful Hugs,

    Nancy B
  11. mujuer

    mujuer New Member

    and you are probably wondering what happened to your sweet little girl. My daughter turned from sweet child to angry child at the age of five. She was in therapy from that time until she was 13. Nothing helped her and we would change psychiatrist amd psychologist. Finally she got so bad that against everyone and I mean everyones wishes, I went to the nearest psych hospital that treated teens and told two dr.s the problems and they suggested that I admit her before she really started to hurt herself.

    I came home and packed her bags and hid them in the trunk of the car. I made up some lie to get her to go with me. It was the darkest day of my life to have to take her. When we got there, she didn't know where we were but I asked her to come in with me to my dr.s appt. I left her there and cried for days. She stayed there for five weeks and it was the very best thing that I could have done for her. In that time, we found out that she had been molested at five years of age. No other dr. had discovered this because she hid it so well.

    Oh how she and everyone else hated me for putting her there but that is when she started to recover. I found out that when puberty hits, that is when they start really acting out if they had been sexually abused and then it escillates. Fortunately, I got her there early before she did any real harm. When she got out, it was more therapy until she turned fifteen.

    I finally got a very peacefull, loving and caring person back. It took her many years to realise that what I did by putting her there actually helped her and that it was very hard for me to do. She is now an amazing 31 year old woman with a wonderful husband and a beautiful one year daughter. Don't give up as that is so easy to do. You will find what is right for you and her. God Bless
  12. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    What a wonderful and brave thing you did for your daughter and I'm so happy to hear that she's living a full and loving life now that she's older.

    Unfortunately, there is no guide book to help us make the difficult decisions that we're faced with each day, nothing but gut instinct and deep love for our kids to get us through.

    Others have advice but unless you've lived our lives, people really shouldn't judge us, helpful suggestions aren't always as helpful as they're meant to be unless you've walked in our shoes, and lived our lives.

    Bless you for doing what you needed to do to save your daughter. Her secret 'had' to come out, there's really no other way....


    Nancy B
  13. jmq

    jmq New Member are very brave. If I exhaust every other means..I will end up doing the same...but we are not there yet. My mother abandoned me when I was young and my daughter feels abandoned by her I do not think I could be brave enough.

    She finished school and went to the first day of camp today...and did not call for me to pick her up! She of course said it was boring...but did not complain about going back tomorrow! She also gave her Dad a kiss the other day out of the blue. He was so happy! Me too. I do not see any more cutting...but I hear they can do it in private areas! I will have to "accidently" walk into the bathroom while she is showering to see that?!

    I had a good visit with the breast surgeon too. He said that we can start with a needle core biobsy on me instead of a more invasive type surgery. It will be on June 18th so say a prayer that it turns out to be nothing and I can give all my energies to being a mom.

    I so appreciate hearing from all of you..
  14. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I'm glad you had a good appt with the doc and we'll be thinking about you on the 18th.

    I would NOT recommend just walking into the bathroom to try to catch your daughter unawares.

    Talking and keeping trust in conversation is going to be so important now and in the future. Talk to her. Tell her that you're glad you don't see any more cuts then ask her if she's found a more healthy way to deal with those feelings.

    Ask her if she's cutting where you can't see it. These are difficult conversations, I KNOW.

    But you must keep the avenue of trust open, you'll need it so much in the future. You WANT her to be able to come to you when she needs help, hugs or advice.

    You don't want to have her learn to hide more things from you!!!! And she can, trust me....certain types of parenting just teach kids to hide and lie more.

    Be open, this is your daughter.....just ask.


    Nancy B
  15. blueski31717

    blueski31717 New Member

    My daughter went through a terrible time when we found out she had the incurrable bone disease. At first we thought it was cancer.

    she went through the goth phase. Well let me tell you goth is not bad it is just a form of expression that the kids do they do not know how to relay to adults. It is their way of telling us they are depressed.

    My daughter then got into the cutting stage but that was not related with the goth. Her boyfriend at the time did it and she started to do it after he showed her how to do it. as with goth-cutting is a form of expression also. It is a cry for help

    She thought she was daughter is beautiful but no matter what I said some kids told her she was ugly. She always compared herself with the rich/pretty/popular girls. and because of her disease which ballooned her leg she thought she was ugly.

    Happy to say she is 17 and she is out of goth, she is out of cutting she still has some issues of self worth but we are working on them. I dont know how to help your child I can only tell you to love her no matter what and whatever it takes do it.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/06/2007]
  16. jmq

    jmq New Member

    Just hearing from all of you is so inspiring and hopeful. Things seem to be calm now that school is out and less pressure with homework. Camp is still going bowling, skating...even though she comes home saying it was boring...she is doing it! If nothing else at least she is exercising! She is talking more with me about TV and computer stuff...nothing to do with I will take what she can give.

    I tried to get her to go to the mall to get her Dad a present but she did not want to...but was interested in what she should get Dad for Fathers Day. Asked if she gave me some $ would I get him something. Normally, I would try to push her to make the effort to show her love...but I did not push it this year. I am always questioning if I am making the right parenting choices...I can not see any more self injuries. She never has admitted to the first one so when I ask...she says NO MOM...I never did it EVER!

    Oh well...I am enjoying this bit of peace...I will let you know how things are developing. All of you mean so much to me...and one day my daughter will hopefully be able to thank you too.