I have been treated for depression and anxiety in the past, both with meds and therepy. I have been off of my meds for over a year now and had been doing fine. For the last few weeks, I have felt it creeping back up on me. I thought I had been cured. When I first went on my medication I was afraid to take it because I did not want to become dependent on a pill to feel good. I wanted to be able to feel good on my own. After I started taking the medicine, however, I felt like a new woman. I was on the medicine for a few years and though it did make my depression and anxiety go away, it was almost too extreme. At times I felt that I didn't care about anything (nothing could bother me - even healthy stress) and that scared me. Still, the only reason I quit the medicine was because my job situation changed and I did not have any health insurance and could no longer afford to seek treatment. And for over a year I felt fine. Which brings me to now. I am feeling those old familiar feelings of despair and worry and I hate it! I don't want to be sad and scared all the time. I still don't have any health insurance and I recently lost my job and am living on unemployment. I'm not sure who in my life to confide in. I am afraid and embarrassed to tell anyone. I just want this to go away once and for all. I am not talking suicide! I would never kill myself! I am terrified of death. I just want to be like normal people. Like I said, I have been through this before so I pretty much know why I have depression. Almost everyone on my dad's side of the family has suffered from depression and I know it can be genetic. Also, I am a woman and I know women are more prone to depression than men. I am also a pessimist by nature and that certainly doesn't help anything. It seems like my depression is worse at night. I just feel so alone and scared and I don't know what to do with myself other than wring my hands. I HATE this feeling! I have never been on a depression message board before but I am feeling desperate and just wanted to reach out to others who may feel the same way I do. I don't know why really, but knowing that others are suffering too makes me feel a little better. I don't mean that in a sadistic way. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I wish I could confide in my boyfriend of almost three years. He is a very loving, kind, and supportive man. He knows that I have been medicated for this problem in the past but he has never seen me this way. When we met I was still taking my medication and I felt fine. He is glad that I am off the meds because he doesn't want me to be dependent on drugs, either. I haven't told him that I have been feeling it again. He is currently out of town and won't be back until after the 4th of July. And he has a lot on his plate right now with working two jobs. He also has three kids from a previous marriage that keep him pretty busy. I don't want to be a burden on him. My rational mind tells me that he will be great about it as he is about everything else in life. If ever there was one who did not suffer from depression it is him. But my depression makes me afraid that he will reject me as a freak or a mental case. I'm certainly not going to tell him while he is far away on this trip. I just don't know what else to do. I don't have any money with which to seek help and I'm kinda scared to go back on the meds anyway for several reasons: admission of defeat, dependency, and the ambivalent way it made me feel before. I feel a little better just getting this out but I know that I need to find a more permanent solution. Thanks for reading this. Comments and advice are welcome. - Sasha G.