depressed and angry because a friend is dying

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rachel432, Oct 30, 2006.

  1. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    a good friend of mine who was an amazing drummer that used to play with my husbands band is in the hospital dying. i'm so depresed about it and yet i'm so angry with him over what brought him to this point that i'm making myself sick.

    chuck is older then me, he's 44. a great drummer and singer. a big guy, about 300lbs, a diabetic and an alcoholic with high blood pressure. he stopped being able to play about 3yrs ago do to all his medical problems but still wouldn't stop drinking. he had to have surgery on his foo 6 months ago to take out a bone that was infected and had to be off his feet fo months. still he was taking his motorized cart to the liquer store to buy vodka.

    now this very talented and kind man has pneumonia, is on a ventilator, insulin i.v. drip, tube feedings, an i.v. to control his heart rate, and in a coma. they don't expect him to wake up.

    i'm so upset that he has come to this point and yet so angry because this was all preventable in a way and he did this to himself with alcohol. he has a great wife and a 10yr old step son and loads of friend who all are praying for him and will miss him terribly. including me. this all seems so sensless for something that he just never could get control over. my feelings are so mixed up on this. i'm sad, angry, frustrated,, depressed, and already missing my friend.

    please pray for him.

  2. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Some times our friends don't handle their medical problems well at all. We don't always do the things we are told to do either. But where they go to extremes in NOT taking care of them selve's and eating or drinking the wrong things.

    I too lost a friend because he was not doing the things that were in his best interest. And I lost the best friend I had. I want to tell you how sorry I am that your losing a good friend.
    How I wish that I could even have one more day with my friend just to talk about life and the bonds of friendship.
    I Miss him greatly and there is not a day that I don't think of him in one way or another.

    For you I know that you can't make time stop or go back to where you feel it would have been a good time to help him with this problem .

    AS he is in coma just talk to him , tell him what a great person he was and that you miss having him to talk with. Share your feelings with him and be sure to tell him what a special man he is.

    EVen though my friend has long since passed away I would give any thing for one more hour to talk to him and tell him how I really felt about him.
    I am sorry that the both of you are going thru this difficult time and how hard it is to accept that they are not going to be with us for much longer.

    Just surround him with love and friendship and be there in case he does wake up . And I will be thinking of you.

    TAke care
  3. PianoGirl

    PianoGirl New Member


    I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time right now with your friend.

    Everything you are feeling is just a normal part of being human, nobody likes to loose someone, especially when they are near and dear to you. It's not an easy thing to go through.

    Make sure that you tell him over and over how much he means to you and everyone. Talk to him about anything and everything, he more than likely can hear you in a way. My mom was in a "coma" and on a vent for 3 weeks and we talked and talked to her the whole time, did it do any good? I try to think it did.

    Right now, focus on the positive things, his friendship, the band, anything you can think of, I know you feel angry because of his life style but right now, that needs to be put in the background and you have to show him as much love as you all can.

    Take care and let us know how each of you are doing.


  4. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I too am sorry you're going through this difficult time.

    Anger is one of many emotions that we go through when faced with the grieving process. Unfortunately, it really won't help much in this situation.

    Know that your friend made choices. For whatever reasons that you don't agree...please know that they were his choices to make. And you certainly don't have to agree with his choices.

    But try to celebrate in some way the man who was a friend. I know that's what I'd want if I were in that kind of situation. Kind thoughts, not won't help the situation at all.


    Nancy B
  5. CanBrit

    CanBrit Member

    I feel for you and your your friend. Alcoholism is just an awful disease for both the afflicted and their loved ones.
    Try to understand that this is not something he did to himself.

    I have a family member who is fighting this disease right now, and it will kill him if he doesn't get on top of it. His family is in turmoil. I found an article that I gave to his wife to help her understand this awful condition. A little excerpt from it says it all.

    ****Alcoholism is a physical disease, not a disgrace; it is a health problem, not a moral problem. The alcoholic does not choose to become an alcoholic nor does his illness stem from a lack of willpower.

    Instead of being sinful, the alcoholic is sick and in need of medical attention. Without treatment, the disease of alcoholism progresses. The alcoholic's suffering may lead to permanent physical damage, mental damage, and an early death. Without treatment, nine out of ten alcoholics in America today will die of their illness.*****

    Visit him, hold his hand, say goodbye. I'm sure his wife will need lots of support as well.

    I will say a prayer for him and his family.



  6. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    I'm so sorry about your friend .Very sad. let all those feelings go the only thing that is important now is that he knows how much he is loved.

    also his family needs to be helped to look forward .No ones to blame .just give them your friendship and love.
  7. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    i just want to thank you all who responded. your support means so much at this time. i'm off of work tomorrow and will be going to spend time with my friend and his family at the hospital. my husband and i have put some of the recording of him playing with us onto a cd to play in the room for him and printed up some photos we had of him on stage to put up in the room. this is the way we want to remember him at his best and we know his wife will love it. also i think if he can hear it, the familiar music that he loves will help him. the other thing is that i know from a nursing standpoint that it will help the staff at the hospital he is at know a little bit about the man they are doing such a good job taking care of.

    agian thank you all and please keep him in his prayers that this time will be peaceful for him and he won't be in any pain. i know that right now that is what's important.
    i just miss him already.