Depressed and defeated

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by barbaradh, Aug 10, 2003.

  1. barbaradh

    barbaradh New Member

    I just got my first denial from social security. I had expected it, but now the reasons they gave. They glossed over my pain - called it discomfort (I'm on fentanyl and percocet), and ignored my depression. One of their psychologists did my psych. eval., and he spent 55 min. testing me, and only 30 min. talking to me. He never even asked what my present state of mind was. It consists of me fantasizing that I'm dead - it's the only thought that comforts me. I've had this damn disorder since an accident in 1994, but was able to work until 2001. I now walk with a cane, and last Christmas one of my gifts was a wheelchair. I would rather be dead than to have to live the rest of my life in ever increasing pain, fatigue, mental deterioration, etc. I want to get an independent psych. eval., but my current Psychiatrist "doesn't want to get involved with lots of paperwork." Guess who I'm replacing... I was wondering if anyone out there knew of a competent Psychiatrist that has at least some knowledge of fibro in the Southern Maryland area. I would be willing to travel to DC, Northern Virginia, or Annapolis. Any further and I just can't make the trip.

    Thanks in advance,
  2. Aeryn

    Aeryn New Member

    I can't help but would like to say hang in there. Thinking about death is a major symptom of depression. I know it doesn't mean you will go through with the thoughts, it can just be an indication of how hard things are and the relief that represents. It is rough, but you are not alone.

  3. tulip922s

    tulip922s New Member

    Hi Barbara,

    Even though we can almost count on that first denial letter, it still somehow comes as a blow when we get it and read the reasons. Mine just blew me away, but, I did win at the appeal level.

    As far as a doc in your area, I cannot help, but, would encourage you to make another post with a Title something like "Need Psy in S. Maryland Area" and see if you get some bites. Best of Luck Tulip
  4. Dukate

    Dukate New Member

    Dear Barbara, it really sucks what they put a person though when they need help. From what I have heard you very seldome get approved the first time. But then I have also heard that having a good lawyer that specializes in that is a great help but I don't know if its expensive. Get into some of the chat rooms and you will probably get a lot of advise from those that have walked in your shoes. I know how you feel about not wanting to live like this. It would be easier if more of the medical people plus our friends and relative understood. Maybe you need to start over with a different group of people to help you. I know that must sound terrible to you but if they havn't helped, it sure sounds as if you need help. I know that Johns Hopkins has doctors that deal with CFS.Call the hospital and ask for information. I wish I could help more hand in their.

    Good luck, Irene
  5. barbaradh

    barbaradh New Member


    Thanks - I made another more specific post. I still am in shock about what they said in my denial. Called my pain "occasional discomfort" and said I could go back to work as a Technical Writer/Editor. I wouldn't last an hour on that job now. I have developed ADD from the fibro and although I used to be an avid reader (and certainly had to be for my job), I can barely read ANYTHING now. I keep rereading the same sentences over and over again. Very frustrating and makes me feel stupid. I used to be fairly intelligent too.

    Thanks again,
  6. Aeryn

    Aeryn New Member

    Barbara, Maybe you have fibro-fog and cannot concetrate for that reason? Fibro-fog means most of us experience memory loss and difficulty concentrating.

    ADD/ADHD is a very specific disorder that has to present in early childhood in order to be diagnosed properly. You can't actually develop it.

    Lots of people here have suggestions on how to help with fibro-fog. People have used all sorts of methods with varying success. You might try posting a question on suggestions for help. You could also do a search under "fibro-fog" and see what comes up.

    Good luck, this all stinks.
  7. elaine_p

    elaine_p New Member

    I was shocked about all the reasoning I've gotten. WHAT reasoning? For my LTD claim, they explained that fatigue is normal for up to 6 months after a "major illness" (I'd had pneumonia 4 months before I got CFS). Well, okay, how about 12 months and 18 months later?

    Be careful of psychiatrists. I'd seen one for 1 before I got sick and for 3 years after that. In the chart notes for every single appt before I moved he said, her symptoms could be the result of a somatization disorder but her depression has never manifested that way in the past so he didn't think that was the cause. In the chart note for my very last appt, he said "continue to think it's a somatization disorder". What a weasel.

    That's not to say I don't think an independent exam is good. Just that if you see a mental health person on a long-term basis, you need to be picky. Find one who actually believes in the illness first. Or see a psychologist or counselor.

    You know what, I *could* continue to be a tech writer/editor. IF anyone would hire me to work for 10-60 minutes a day. And I have no idea what the end product would be like, I just know that's how long my brain lasts these days. (You can write when you're brain dead, but editing is another story.)

    Sorry this is long. To find a psych in your area you could contact your local CFS/FMS support chapter, ask your doc, or ask a disability attorney.
  8. Lana56

    Lana56 New Member

    Don't get discouraged about the disability-they can make things so hard on us.You will hear they say you can do the work you did before.You will see things in records that make you scream.I hope you keep fighting-don't give up no matter how hard it gets.Do you have insurance to go to a private psychiatrist.If you saw someone else you can have any records sent to SSD.As far as thinking about being dead-we all get like that at times.We think of a way to get out of all this when we get discouraging news,poor medical care or whatever.I hope that when you feel down we can all be here for you to give you another lift.Good luck with things and start thinking of what you want for yourself next Christmas! Lana56
  9. Takesha

    Takesha New Member

    just a little over a week ago. Just don't give up. 75% of all applicants get denied at the first level. Now it will go to people who will look at everything more closely, Not the same people as before. If it gets denied at this level you can ask for a hearing. The person who "hears" you will be an administrative law judge who until this point, is not familiar with your case. From what I understand a lot of cases are won in these two steps.
    I know it's hard, and life sometimes seems to be more "up hill" than we can climb but sometimes it's better to keep trying if we can. Please do a search on Disability advocacy clinic, they have a list or numbers you can call to see who is in your area that can help you.
    I am sorry that it's so hard right now, my prayer for you is that it will get better soon. Just know there are alot of people here that either have been or are where your at right now, and although we are "invisable" we are still in your corner pulling for you!
  10. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hi Barbara~~Sorry to hear you were turned down for SS, but that seems to be routine in hopes that you will become discouraged and go away. However, you knew it was going to take time, patience, determination, and grit from the start. We don't go away--we get an attorney and dig our heals in!

    They have to come up with some reason(s) for a denial, and most of the reasons I've heard are lame and unqualified, so don't let that get to you. It's just all part of the psychological & emotional discouragement.

    Yet, I know how down-&-out, put-out, frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, depressed, and discombobulated it can make you feel, and we need to give respect to those feelings and allow them to flow through us, but not constipate us. If we become stagnate with our depression and immobile with our discouragement then we are fighting ourselves instead of directing that precious energy towards reaching our goal. So, give these sad emotions their due respect--then cowgirl-up for the next round. You will eventually get the disability if you don't let them get you down and keep you there.

    I've been a therapist for over 30 years, and I get in a blue-funk from time to time. I get sick & tired of dealing with FM/CFS, degenerative disc disease, multiple back problems, severe asthma/allergies, IBS, osteoarthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and rheumatoid arthritis. I have days I can't remember a thing, drop everything, bump into everything, can't think of words, or feel just plain sick at heart. It is alot to deal with plus trying to hold onto a part time job three days a week, having financial difficulties, and trying to manage all of the obligations, duties, and responsibilities of life. It gets overwhelming, exhausting, and sometimes I just want to dig a deep hole, crawl in it, and wait for a cavein.

    But these blue-funks are to be expected with all we have to deal with, and when additional stresses & disappointments come along--it makes it twice as hard to keep on keeping on. And that's when we need good, solid, understanding support. People who don't tell us to snap out of it, get over it, or that we're just feeling sorry for ourselves. It's a genuine heartache, and our Souls get weary. We need time to respect these feelings, to process through them, and to either be with encouraging people, or be alone in peaceful solitude, or cleanse ourselves with a good cry. We need Healing Stuff to rise up from the depths of despair.

    And sometimes--we need some new thoughts. Fantasizing that you are dead is a definite indication that you need some new thoughts. And being given a wheelchair for Christmas is a motivational opportunity for developing a gift list for your family so they don't waste their money buying you things that dampen the Holiday Spirit! And finding a psychologist who is willing to meet your needs and cares enough to "get involved" is definitely a high priority.

    The SS people I have talked to have told me over & over that they do not consider "pain" in their evaluation because pain can be "resolved" with the appropriate medications. What they are looking for is a complete inability to work that does not have an alternate solution.

    There are many people on this Board who have been through the SS ordeal and can offer you some valuable information and keep you motivated. HighRiskRN (Sandy) is an excellent resource among numerous others. She went through a series of horrendous ordeals month after month, and she often felt as low & blue & heartbruised as anyone can feel--life got intensely bleak for her right down to getting an eviction notice to toss her and her children out on the street. But, she kept bouncing back, kept getting up and eventually won her disabiity and is now trying to help others here on the Board get through the process and endure the hardships and black days that go with it.

    You feel depressed, and you feel defeated right now--but this is a "feeling" rather than a "Reality" unless you give up, give in, and quit. We are here to help you, to take every step with you, to care and love you, to offer all we can, to listen and share, and to be here for you. We've all felt as you do from time to time, and we understand and feel for what you are going through.

    I'm sorry I can't help recommend a new psychologist as I live in Montana, but someone will be along to make a suggestion. There are alot of people on this Board, so the posts turn over fast--just keep "bumping" your request until enough people see it that someone from your area can respond.

    And keep coming back Barbara. This is a great group of caring, knowledgeable, and experienced people. Make this your second family and lifeline. We're here to help.

    Blessings to you, and I hope that Tomorrow is a Better Day. Carol...

  11. barbaradh

    barbaradh New Member


    I have had problems all my life with reading and concentration in general. I was never diagnosed with ADD/ADHD as a child, because back then you never heard about it - I'm 49. It's just that it's gotten worse since the fibro has gotten worse, but my doctor does say that I have ADD.

  12. barbaradh

    barbaradh New Member


    Thanks for the encouragement. I do have a lawyer - I've had one from the very beginning. I knew I would most likely be denied on the first filing - I just wasn't prepared for the REASONS they gave. I don't think they give a shit about anyone, about how much pain we're in, or about how much this disorder destroys our lives. I didn't ask for this - I would MUCH rather be working again - but this is out of my control.

    Thanks again,