Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by confusedby3, Aug 19, 2009.

  1. confusedby3

    confusedby3 New Member

    My 37 yr old son i gave up for adoption 35 years ago I found 10 years ago in california. We had an ok Long distance relationship then i lost track 2 years ago. Spend the last year in drug treatment. Got a call from adoptive mom that he was on a bus to here. Picked him up on the 10th i have had severe depression and anxity for 9 years i am being treatrd for The day after he got here i had a T.I.A. he feels i owe him what to do? he has a Suspended licence for 8 years not paying child support no birth certifacate or ss card i live in Washington Help
  2. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I'm very sorry that this has occurred. He knows what it is like to take the bus. I would calmly sit him down and explain that you placed him for adoption many years ago so that he would receive the necessities in life that you could not give him and that still was the best decision for his life. Explain that with the medical ailments today, you are still not in a place to be able to be a real mother to him. Further explain that he cannot stay here and you wished that he had called first before just boarding a bus and coming out here. Tell him he can't do that again.

    This may sound harsh, but contact the bus station to find out how much it costs to send him back to his adoptive mom--and whether they stay overnight at hotels. Then take your son to the bus terminal. Board him onto the bus and give your son the bus ticket at that time and some extra money for meals, and hotels (if that is what the bus station told you). Then watch the bus pull out and leave. Then phone his adoptive mother and explain you have returned him on the bus and when it is expected to arrive. If she is a understanding person, you might want to explain what happened, if not then just explain you are having medical ailments that do not permit him to remain here. If she asks what those medical ailments are, you do not answer at all as that is personal.

    You cannot handle this man who feels that "you owe him" and it's best that you return him to his adoptive mother immediately. He is an adult of 37 and must grow up and get on with his life and he cannot "run away" from the consequences he has incurred due to his actions back in his home state. I suspect that since he isn't paying child support, he already thinks that life owes him, perhaps his adoptive parents owe him, and you owe him. Send him back so that he deals with the consequences that he has reaped.

    P.S. I came back to add that once he was adopted, that should have changed his birth certificate so that his adoptive mother should also have the changed birth certificate or she or he should be able to get it easily. (My son from my first husband that died had his birth certificate totally changed when my second husband legally adopted my son and my son is now 36). The birth certificate remains in the state where he was originally born, but changed when adoptive papers are filed with that state. As to the Social Security card, your son can get that once he has his birth certificate. And it's throwing up red flags that he doesn't already have a Social Security card (and if he had one, he could get a replacement at your local center).

    I also wanted to mention that I have a real gut feeling about all this. That at his age, and the serious problems he has left behind in the other state, and suddenly without notice to you popping up at your place to stay, that unless you get him returned to his home state and his adoptive mother, I fear problems for you.

    I fear with your health problems and his past problems and his feelings that "you owe him" that he may begin to eventually be abusive verbally and perhaps it could go further. You are a vulnerable person and he may be sniffing that out right now and my gut is strongly telling me that this man is more than you can handle. Hugs and prayers.
    [This Message was Edited on 08/20/2009]