Depressed, etc.

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Vada, Sep 16, 2005.

  1. Vada

    Vada New Member

    Thank you all who answered my last posting. I have seen a psychiatrist who didn't want me in the hospital. I have talked with my Therapist and we decided that I would once again go into the Intensive Outpatient Program today. After the 1 hour meeting my therapist and I discussed my weekend plans and how things were.

    I dare not be alone by myself for long periods of time without these thoughts popping back into my mind. She has arranged to have the on-call evening therapist call me tonight to see how I am doing.

    This weelkend I was supposed to go to Richmond for my borther-in-laws 50th b-day, but the psychiatrist and my therapist agreed that I shouldn't go, so I am sending my husband in my place and I will be spending the weekend with my girlfriend Edie who has gone through this. This is to make me even more safe.

    My husband has hidden all of my meds and doles them out each day and watches me take them. This helps in knowing that I can't get into the meds.

    In couples therapy yesterday, things went very bad for me. The therapist called me in since my husband hadn't arrived and when she asked how the week went I told her. She had a very difficult time when I said that I was back in IOP and that I had suicide ideation. As soon as my husband came in we were talking about this issue and I had asked my husband why he had said "that he could not take me to the hospital again". I told him that had hurt me and that made me wonder who I can trust. This wound up being a big discussion between the 3 of us and finally the therapist suggested that I needed more therapy one on one and that our couples counseling couldn't work until I got myself under control

    She and my husband kept asking me why I had been able to work all those years and not required the amount of services. I told them that yes, I had worked but did they realize how diffi cult it had been on me and fina;lly in July 2001 the straw came that broke the camels back.

    The therapist also asked me if wanted to have a positive, successful, professional life again. I told her that I really didn't ever wish to hold down any professional job and that since I could get benefits sooner or later that I really never wanted to work again. She couldn't quite understand why my goals had changed since we started back in Marc`h of this year and I explained that 2 hospitalizations and bit of reality hitg and I have had to accept my limitations.

    NBeedless to say, the session ended on her asking my husband what he wanted out of life and he said peace and joy. She asked me what I wanted and I replied the same as my husband but in a very different connotation. I did not want to go home and rehash or even discuss what was done in therapy. I also told her that I will always rely on meds, therapists, psychiatrists and any crisis intervention needed since I knew when I was flat bottoming out and that if it meant going back into hospitals then that is where I will go. I know my limitation and cannot not toally rely on anyone but myself to make the decision to seek out help. This is where she and my husbsnd disagree with me. They seem to feel that I need to go back and figure out what it was keeping me going from 1990 until 2001 and practice those skills.

    When I saw my therapist today after IOP she told me that she wanted to have me checked in on during the weekend and I agreed wholehesartedly. I gave permission to have them call tonight since as of right now I am not feeling very good abour myself and these thought have not gone away and that if I were alone that I couldn't guarantee my safety. I also gave her permission to talk to the couples therapist to discuss the treatment teams decisions about me and how important it is to not try to "override" these plans. She also wants to have a sitdown with my hubby soon so she can discuss what she thinks I need from him and that if I feel unsafe that he needs to go wqith my feelings and do whatevedr I feel necessary. She also wishes to discuss with him the issues that were brought up about in therapy about me trying to be what I used to be.

    Well sorry abut venting. Thanks everyone. LaVada
  2. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    LaVada:
    Thank God you put all of those safe-guards in front of you.
    Many would run from it and bounce around from doctor to doctor, but you seem to be persevering right along.
    Keep those safe-guards in place honey and I will pray for you. Stay safe. We need you here.
    Hugs,
    NyroFan
  3. chp1298

    chp1298 New Member

    Please keep hanging on. I often think of suicide to end the pain and suffering but then I remember my beautiful children and know I do not want them to live with that. I want to live and enjoy my grandchildren so I will persevere and I know you wil too. I will remember you in my prayers.
  4. LollieBoo

    LollieBoo New Member

    Hi, LaVada-
    I am pronouncing myself your sister. I have been through some of the things you are going through- perhaps not to the same degree, but none of us are exactly the same, are we? First of all you are a proud and strong woman, with so much to live for, so much to do- or else you wouldn't be able to verbalize the fear and anguish you are feeling. I am impressed with your ability to recognize your limitations and allow yourself to change and to adapt your self-image and your self-expectations accordingly. You are headed in the right direction for you and seeking help through counseling and meds and all of that is so much more productive than giving in to your impulses.

    I understand how weak you must feel, how alarmed at your own perceptions and thoughts at times. I can see that in spite of not wanting to succeed in a "profession", you are aiming your sights higher- at succeeding in life, at developing the highest potential within yourself. You should be congratulated, not chastised.

    It is important to continue on the upward path and to continue to be willing to adapt and change and accept yourself as you are... it is also important to find the ability to separate the depression and illnesses you suffer from from the true you. Who is talking, who is driving you to act on certain impulses- if it is not the true LaVada you must categorize it accordingly and refuse to give up your goals and let depression and illness become YOU.

    Hang in there and know I am holding your hand, and that you have a sister in all of this, who lives miles away and has never met you but loves you all the same... I am thinking that on this board you have countless "sisters", all rooting for you.

    -Lollie
  5. orachel

    orachel New Member

    Lavada...
    My heart hurts for you and the burdens that you have to endure right now. I'm so very sorry that you're in this situation.

    I definitely agree with your first poster (sorry! forget your name) about how terrific it is that you've managed to set up all these safeguards for during your darkest hours. Quite frankly, even being able to mention that you're considering the unthinkable takes ENORMOUS COURAGE, as does reaching out to any available resources to get the help and the safety measures around you that are necessary for right now. Whether you realize it or not, you ARE a STRONG WOMAN to even begin to discuss these difficult and uncomfortable issues. There is nothing more courageous than acknowledging that you need help and getting it.

    Just a few small observations to what you're going through. In my opinion, you may want to consider "laying down" some of your burdens.

    What I mean is this...Just try a tiny bit not to beat yourself up too badly for any feelings or fears you might be having. Try to "lay down" as much of that negative self talk as you can. I know how incredibly hard that is to do, believe me.

    In reference to the therapist who is concerned that you no longer (at this moment in time, at least!) have any major Professional Career aspirations, and can't understand why you've "changed your tune" about being in the workforce as a professional woman since March...I personally think you should just "tune" this particular thing she's said to you out! I'm sure she's a wonderful therapist, but I think this is something that only someone who's been thru depression or PTSD themselves can REALLY understand. This is just ridiculous, in my book. Really really silly. I'm sitting here hoping and praying that this therapist is usually just a tiny bit more supportive and affirming most of the time than she is in that instance. I find it very very very understandable that you cannot imagine conceivably a time or place when you could be "back in the world" again, especially as a Professional career gal.

    You are clearly in a BIT of a crisis right now, and one of the ways we fall into such severe crises is to LOSE all sense of our own Purpose, Usefulness, and Self Worth. I guess my point is, right now you're kind of in a figurative "valley", with really high mountains all around you. Kinda makes a whole lot of sense to me that you can't see ALL the way up to the tippy-top of those mountains (Which is your absolute Ideal of Happiness, Healthiness, Self Esteem and Personal Worth...which might include a professional career in the world, or it might not, but you don't need to decide that right here and now!). I guess another poster earlier today said it best....she used the word BABY-STEPS.

    It doesn't make sense for you to try to leap such an incredible distance from where you are now to a fun filled, active, stable professional career. No wonder it seems insurmountable (and probably absolutely terrifying!!!) to you right now!!!

    But you're doing the right thing in taking baby-steps to wellness and personal growth. First things first! Ensure your personal safety...sounds like you're well on your way to accomplishing that goal! Then there are your terrific plans to start some individual therapy, just to begin to work a little at a time on how you feel in terms of emotional stability and self worth. Then, when that's improving and you're beginning to feel the Sunshine on your face again, its time for another baby-step to continuing some couples counseling and working with your husband to make sure you can each get what you need, and what is emotionally healthy and fulfilling out of your relationship. There's a bunch of tiny baby steps on the road to personal happiness and emotional health...that's all I'm trying to express here. Its so very very natural and "normal" that you can't even "imagine" a time when you'll feel 100% terrific again from where you're sitting emotionally right now. I don't know about you, but a whole lot of us here are nowhere near 100% terrific!! And if we all keep taking baby steps to improve our physical and mental health, and learn to love ourselves first and foremost, then we can all get there eventually.

    I wish you all the strength in the World, and please let us know if there's anything we can do to help you aside from support and Hugs!
    Rachel

    PS....I don't have a whole lot of experience with some of your concerns, but I can tell you that I went thru a TERRIBLE time of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and major situational depression last year. My experience was totally different, it came from a terrible abusive environment in my workplace. But, there were times I didn't think I could get thru, period. I worked really really hard with my counselor, and went thru a TRUCKLOAD of kleenex....and honest to goodness Lavada, I felt about 80% better in less than 5 or 6 months! It is so doable, I have no doubt whatsoever that you'll come thru with flying colors and your head held High!

  6. orachel

    orachel New Member

    How is it that you managed to say the exact same thing (or idea at least!) as I did in about 1/3 the words, and much more clearly? LOL>...
    The brain fog has stolen the words (and concepts!) "clear & concise" from my vocabulary!

    Rach
  7. Vada

    Vada New Member

    Just reading all your kind words and thoughts helps. When all of this happened yesterday I thought that I had done something wrong and was not doing things in a "mature" manner for a 50 year old woman who has experienced sexual abuse from both parents and 1 brother, totally traumatized during school for being who I was, a 6ft "monster" at age 12 (according to people around me, have depression/anxiety/panic disorder/agorophobia alongwith fibro, osteoarthritis in my knees and asthma.

    I have been working very hard for over 3 years in individual therapy. I am beginning to think that couples therapy needs to be discontinued while I and my husband continue individual therapy. LaVada
  8. rbecca47

    rbecca47 New Member

    I have been on suicide watch, for awhile, I don't have a hubby, but my boys, and son in law, have all been very supportive. my physc doc. wanted me in hosp. but had already spent to much time there last year (different problem). so now i see a theripist, physc.doc,pcp doc, and that is about all i can cope with, i also suffer with the fear of leaving my house. so i really will keep you in my prayers. and hope that you will find releave soon. stay strong,keep your support system informed,and be good to yourself.( last one is the hardest)
    Becca
  9. Mareeok

    Mareeok New Member

    ((((( LaVada )))))
    Please don't appologize for venting. It's so very important that you keep talking. You are a very strong woman to know you need safety nets and not allowing anyone to interfear with that. I suffer with PTSD and I went thru two therapists before I found one who really listened. I kept the suicide hot line number in my purse so no one would lose it on me. I knew I didn't want to feel the way I did and that I loved life, knowing it is precious. Your words are telling me you feel that way too. I don't believe you will go back to being the person you used to be. You will be a better person because of everything you've been through. Those baby steps are solid and deliberate and will take you to a healthier place. I am your sister also and am joining all your other sisters here in walking up that mountain right by your side. Don't look only towards the top of the mountain. Stop every once in awhile and look behind you to see how far you have come. That's testimony to all your hard work already.

    Heart hugs,
    Maree