Depression is getting the best of me!

Hi everyone!

I'm new to the site. I'm having a terrible time. It's been that way for the better part of three months now and I feel like I will never feel better. I feel like I've lost my life to this DD. The medication I had been taking used to work pretty well for me but it's not doing a thing for me now. The pain in my lower back is constant. Do you ever think I wll get my life back? I don't even remember who I am anymore or what it is that interests me. I am afraid to make plans for fear of always having to cancel them. I've lost myself somewhere in the last few years. Does anyone ever feel like this??

Geri

So sorry to here about your blues and pain. Do you have a supportive doctor to help manage your depression and pain? Perhaps you need a new medicine or a bump up in the mgs.

I have never considered myself as depressed and my doctor has me on a very high dose of Effexor (300 mgs). I never feel depressed. It has been an amazing medication for me and I have been on it for over 3 years now.

My family doc is a big believer in anti depressant medication, and she is into alternatives, big time. She has a nice balance with her practice.

As for the pain, I am on a pain management regime with my family doc. My pain is persistant too. I live with moderate to severe pain 24/7. I have a horrible back, and widespread arthritis. I have the medical support that I need, and feel pretty blessed. I think I have great support in part by the number of medical studies I have been through, seeking medical help on top of my own personal efforts to enhance the quality of my life. I have ample tangible evidence for the pain. Sad, but probably true...no doctor questions my use of narcotics and or, the other medications that I use for my well-being. The best my pain ever gets with medication is low-moderate. Without the Effexor, I would probably want to hang my hat, so to speak.

I never thought I would use or need medicine for anything...I hope you are able to ask for the support you need to help with your depression...it is a terrible feeling. You are not a failure if you up your dose of anti-depressants.

Take care...Jan

Wow, I have been there, actually am still there some. You wrote "I've lost myself". I had lost myself too. I felt so terribly lonely and isolated and down in the dumps and occasionally gave in to a good cry. My husband understood, but could not give me what I needed. Nobody understand what we go thru, except for fellow sufferers of this dd. I am doing poorly health wize, but I am much better mentally. At the worst of my despair, I found a therapist who was kind and nurturing. She let me go on and on. I could finally vent. We talked about how my life had been stolen from me and how I wanted it back. And even though I was a very strong person, I didn;t know how to find that strenght any more. We talked about things that would help my tortured soul. I started with some relaxation things and deep breathing. What she did for me, was to give me the tools to reclaim my body, the self that I had lost.
It is truly the best thing I ever did for myself. The second best thing I did was to find all these wonderful people on this board. For your back pain, I use a heating pad for pain and now have a heated mattress pad which both help. Please consider talking to someone, I could not bring myself back up by myself, I did not have a family support. And was careful about how much I said, because a lot of symptons we have are wierd. I got tired of the funny looks saying it must be all in your head. Please use this board alot, you will get alot of support. Read a post by Joannie1 and you will see all the love and compassion on this board. Remember, one little step at a time and you'll get there. Love and hugs, Deb

Jan,

Your response really means alot to me. it just helps knowing other people understand. I am taking an anti-depressant, zoloft and have been for quite a few years. I've been daignosed with fms and inflamatory arthhritis so as you do, it's h ard to tell what's causing the problem and pain. It's probably a combination of both. I did put a call in to my doctor so I'm hoping he can help me in some way. He suggested a combination therapy of the anti-inflamatory drug and another drug that I cannot remember the name of. At any rate, God bless you and thanks again!
I'm glad you're feeling better, especially mentally.

Thanks again!
Geri

Deb,

Thank you so much for your caring response to me. It really means alot to me. You're right, I do feel isolated and depressed. I did see a thereapist about nine years ago when I was first diagnosed and it did help alot. I also saw another therapist about three years ago. My problem is that I tend to forget some of the things I learned about relaxation etc. Thanks for reminding me. I will try to do that more. One thing I've found, as the years go by, I start feeling halfway decent and then a flare up occurs and I feel like I'm staring all over again and it's just a viscious cycle. It's the flare ups that last for an extended period that really become difficult.
Anyway, thank you again for your support and caring. God bless you.

Geri

I hope I'm not responding to you twice. I'm still learning about this board! Anyway, you're right about the meds losing their effectiveness. I guess I need to be a little more willing to continue trying differents meds when my doctor suggests it. I have tried so many different anti-inflamatiories over the years without improvement from them. But i guess you never know unless you try. I just want you to know your message meant alot to me. I hope your health continues improving. God bless you!

Geri

I always highly recommend therapy for anyone with chronic illness. We go through the grieving process for what we have lost just as we do when someone dies. We need help with this or we can get stuck in denial, anger, or depression. A good therapist can do wonders to help.

Love, Mikie

Hi Geri. I do understand how you feel, as I'm stuck in the very same place. I mourn for the person I use to be, and I've gotten myself quite lost trying to find her. My heart is sickened with the thought that I might not ever see or find the person that I once was. And now I have found myself in a very dark place, clawing my way toward the surface for any sign of life. Maybe I'll see you at the top.
SWAK's,
Echos

I fully understand this feeling. Keep on fighting it though. We may be lost in the middle of the maze but if we sit down in it we won't ever find our way out.Sometimes I have to remember to face my fears head on and they melt away or I go right through and wipe my feet at the other end. Might have to trudge back in to pick up something I dropped but I can always wipe my feet again.

You may not get your "old" life back but you will get "a" life if you don't give up. We (me included) just need to learn to greive and let go of what we loose and grasp on with all our might to what we still have and look for what new we can find. We just need to re-prioritize sometimes.

I am gaining friends through this site and that is something new. I am learning to listen more to others. I am learning to put behind me what I have lost and strive on to whatever is new awaiting me ahead. I am facing some tough trials coming up but the only way I can triumph over them is to walk right through the middle of them. There are life preservers out in the middle somewhere. Just have to look for them and strive on.There is inner resolve in each of us. Sometimes the disease clouds our perception of it and we can't feel it. Just know it is in there somewhere and trust friends and God to help you find it.

Right now there are things I face too that I don't know how I will do it BUT I KNOW I WILL DO IT. It isn't a matter of IF anymore but WHEN!!

You are all in my thoughts. YOU WILL too as soon as you figure out WHAT and determine there WILL BE A WHEN!

Sending warm vibrations to those in need of them. Don't forget to send some back!