depression resurfacing

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Chilene, Apr 4, 2007.

  1. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    argh!...

    i love life, in general! there's so much to do. (but as most of you can relate)... one loss after the next can take it's toll.

    i've had cfs/fibro/etc. for 12 years now and was thinking i was getting the hang of managing it. i hadn't realized, in the process of cutting back (and then altogether) work AND the breakup with my 2 1/2 year (albeit long-distance) boyfriend would have such an negative impact. this has all been in the last few months.

    dealing with this disease was plenty hard at 30... but i still had a number of single friends and parties and even pushed myself through work then. now i'm 42, and it seems like everyone is busy and married. noone can ever manage to come see me; i have to get to them.

    a big additional factor is that money is become a huge stressor again. my father passed away this year and he had been able to contribute a bit of money (in addition to my SSDI) to allow me to afford my apartment.

    i often work up to 10 or 15 hours a week... but wanted to, for the first time EVER since i've been sick, just take a few months with no work and really sleep longer hours. i did this and it helped some! and the thing about working that's so tricky is that sometimes i'm "good" for a whole month... but then sometimes i'm sick for three weeks straight!... how dod you get someone to hire you that way? and when i worked at home before, i procrastinated and was still isolated... so i HOPE to get out some for work.

    but then the breakup... and i have to force myself to go out even when i feel rotten just to sit in a coffeehouse (where i can't really afford to eat) to be around people during the day. i may see a friend for an hour on the weekend, but i still have to get out to see them... it's nice... but doesn't stave off the depression enough.

    i really don't want a roommate with all my sensitivities (and they were hard enough to have when i was healthy). but, never say never, i spose.

    it all feels backwards. at 30 (just before i got sick)... i was working full time, had my own place and tons of friends... and to be single, chronically ill and not working at 42 is making me crazy/depressed/lonely.

    my 12-step progam (for relationships) helps some. my therapist doesn't seem to help... i was even considering checking out an outpatient day program (for depression) if it was covered. eeesh. how sad.

    sometimes i assume if i had someone around it would all be a bit better (husband, boyfriend, even friend...). but everyone keeps saying i have to be happy THIS way. HELP. i was so mad i had to go out ONCE again with the flu today just to get staples, too. (i have someone help with housekeeping but she has no car and only available one day for 3 hours).

    anyone else feel this/go through this?... i've been here before, friends. and i know you were helpful!

    many hugs!

    helene
    [This Message was Edited on 04/04/2007]
  2. Engel

    Engel New Member

    Yes I am all alone too. It sounds like we share similar challenges.
    I have a son but he does not help me in any way. My Dad allows me to live in this house rent free but once he is gone (he is 80) my evil sisters will see to it that I am out of here and on the streets. The only communication I have with the outside world now is a couple of neighbors (when I am able to hobble outside weather permitting) and medical people. Last evening I got hurt at the grocery store by some rude young woman off in la-la land. I was carrying a store basket over my arm since I cannot hold it with my hands and walking with my cane. I am a big woman so you can't NOT SEE ME (duh). People are sooooooooo rude and thoughtless ... I was raised with manners and respect (esp for elders and crippled folks). This girl comes flying through the aisle with a cart gawking around and crashes into my basket!!!!!!!! Almost knocked me into the shelves. My shoulder and arm are really hurting today. She didn't even feel bad about it. This is why I usually go to the grocery in the middle of the night. Then I only have to deal with rude employees stocking shelves. I am off work on STD right now. I don't foresee returning to work. I am bored to tears at home. I can no longer paint or sketch or crochet. I always try to tell myself there are people in far worse situations (but it doesn't ease my pain or worries). I worry about what is going to happen to me. I get depressed but try to mask it. I try not to think about it but it is a problem. I see that many of the marrieds are having their "issues" too. I don't know what the answer is? My son stopped in to visit me for like 15 minutes the other night (brought me a ton of his laundry) and spent the whole time on his cell phone talking to other people. So much for visiting me. I wanted to do an Easter dinner but he has other plans. So I will go ahead and make a dinner for just me. I have a loving kitty cat. Do you have a pet? They are a great comfort.

    (((((((( hugs ))))))))
  3. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    hi goldy!--

    thanks for your words. it's so helpful to be reminded that i am not alone. sorry, too, that you have to experience similar straits!

    in all these twelve years, i've never really known what it would be like to have someone to lean on (for rides, emotional support, etc.)... while living with a chronic illness. i do, also have a sister who will do grocery favors for me sometimes, which i do appreciate much, we just don't have anything in common.

    i should look into the temping again. it's just so much more complicated these days (so many people here are competeting for temp jobs, and i don't know all the latest office computer programs), and living in chicago. most of the temp jobs are downtown, and taking public trans is much tougher for me (exhausting), and parking rates are like 15. a day minimum. also, i'm not sure i can actually work an 8 hour day. generally, i've not worked more than 4 or 5 hours a day since i stopped pushing myself too hard. then, i could maybe do that every other day. it's a thought, though!

    nice to 'meet' you.

    many fibrohugs!
    helene
  4. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    thanks so much for your reply, and nice to "meet" you!

    all that you are dealing with sounds quite hard, for sure.

    and can you believe how rude people are these days?!... i just don't get it! so sorry you were in pain due to that rude woman. let's hope the karma comes back to her one day!

    i know if and when i can drag myself out to a religious service or meet with a friend (not often, but great)... or even sit in a coffeehouse and read... it's better to be around people who will be kind, if you can!! believe me... my family has largely NOT been kind (brother, mother...)... and the only way i can feel better is to SOMEhow be around/talk on the phone with more loving folks.

    blessings;)
    helene
  5. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    so nice to 'meet' you. thanks for your thoughts!

    i can't have a dog in my building (though don't know that i'd be up for all those walkings, truth be told... though i adore dogs)... and am allergic to cats though i love them, too.

    your idea is a wonderful one! i shall go visit some animals when i can! thanks so much for that one;)

    fibrohugs;)
    helene
  6. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    so thankful for your response. nice to "meet", you, too!

    it was just so amazing to me how i could be "generally" happy and even eager to attack small projects living with cfs/fibro (though always missing bike riding, dancing/working out... even walking without dizziness)... with my daily calls/emails from the long-distance boyfriend... and then how isolated, bored and lonely i felt once we broke up. it was SO in my face without work or being able to get out much!

    in addition... i am a total relationship/love addict and actually attend 12-step meetings to help this. it is good, in the end, that my relationship ended for many reasons (he wasn't the most empathic, not to mention the difficulty of the long-distance... with noone set to move). my program teaches that i really learn to stand on my own again and not immediately need another relationship to "make everything better" (though sure, i'd like that!)... so... i guess this is really another time for me to see what i can really do on my own and to make myself happy and (eventually/hopefully) start dating when it feels natural (oh, and i've done the online thing lots in the past... so i would consider it again at some point).

    so many thanks.

    fibrohugs;)
    helene
  7. Engel

    Engel New Member

    I am hoping to move to a rural area or small town situation. I cannot cope with all of the noise, odors (I am chemical sensitive), people, traffic ... I just want to be as far away from all of this as I can get. I am pretty depressed tonight. My Dad let me down as usual. He took the back off my chair (recliner) promising to return it today ..... but my sister blew into town (he had just spent a whole month visiting her) and it was more important to go out and party with her. I hate my family. I am in severe pain and that is the only chair I can sit in (broken or not). I started crying when he basically told me he was too busy today (uh huh) to be concerned with my problems. Then he wonders why we all say that she is his favorite. WELLLLLLLL DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I finally managed to drag the remaining part of the chair over to a wall area and piled a ton of pillows against the wall with my heating pad then got a kitchen chair to prop up my poor sswollen legs. I finally quit crying. I just can't believe how insensitive he is.

    ((((((( hugs 2 U )))))))
  8. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    first off, thanks again for your great words and support. i do need it still, and it was helpful!

    the last few days were a tad bit better (i've had a horrid bug for nearly three weeks, stuck in more than getting out) and finally a few friends came by. i'm still going batty with cabin fever, but it helped me keep my head above water.

    may i ask, were you in a treatment program for the cfs/fibro help?... or, if you'd rather not give details, that's fine too!

    take care and hugs;)
    helene
  9. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    just checking in quickly!

    thanks again for your responses. i want to respond more to each of you later.

    doesn't it feel like our lives can be a bad joke sometimes?! hope this response is appropriate on this board.

    here's how you KNOW you've had some recovery/spiritual awakening: this morning (Easter Sunday... i'm Jewish, but still)... i was still sleeping sound and still with a bug as i heard someone pounding on my apartment door. i was going to keep sleeping (totally dysfuctional upon waking), but the insistence made me get up.

    it was my neighbor wanting to tell me that someone had broken into my car last night (my car IS like my legs!) and that she had taken it upon herself to clean up the glass and get important things out. she brought it all over with some cookies. (the breakins aren't uncommon in chicago... but incredible neigbors are). then my other neighbor helped me cover the window and he and a third guy helped push my car to a better space).

    i am grateful my car was not stolen. and grateful for these neighbors! and how twisted is this: i am grateful that i was forced to get up at 10:30am instead of 1pm (like often; i can't sleep til 3:30 am!).

    but more about the treatment programs when i can get back.

    sheeeesh!!!

    ;) helene