I believe all things work together for good and I don't really understand what is going on , but I was up to 27 methadone a day plus 2- morphine one oxy 40mg, if needed and I was in an incredible amount of pain. oh yea and mucel relaxers, and NOW its one morphine and 1 or 2 methadone. AM only . I thought I was going to have to recouperate from that hosp bed, but God hasbeen very good . LOve that mattress)foam). Even though I am off the effexor ( which threw me into fits) I have been having terrible fits of anger over my 3rd stalker now , who I have had in my life 12 years , my brotherinlaw . Also the disrespect and total deception of a woman my son who is now with who has turned him against me through lies and deceptions and anger and he's greatly decieved and she is real possesive. ( I have been extreemly close to my 2 younger sons all their lives. ) I am so ashamed but over these presures and attacks I find , honestly that I am very very angry with God , though I am able to go into praise and overcome the cursing after cussing and ranting for ahwile , like when I am exausted. . My husband doesnt curse at all either and says he totally undrstands and identifyies what I am going through. ( The loss of my son is so painful and like another death) I also just lost the rights to one of my grandsons, as the mother is evil and mean and controling. ( then there was the death of my oldest son in Feb ). Has anyone ever gone through an angry I mean very angry change in their relationship with the Lord .?????? I am so ashamed yet not as I was so pissed I am even glad I hurt God when I do it . I wasnt a curser before I sold out to God , on June 15 ,75 and now I am 52 and dont know myself. God healed me completely of Multiple personality disorder from 7-7-02 to 8-31-04 ( and chronic depression), and its hard to cope without the ways I have known for so many years. Others running my life. No one with any really deep feelings and me hiding , and a happy but dysfunctional relationship with my sons and with Bob. Some kind of regularity. Then there was the loss of my 27 year old in Feb, 22nd. this year. So many changes and I feel both shame anger and frustration as i write this , but I must talk of it as my husband is loving , but no psychologist. I have to take Xanex to cope when I blow and Ive never been into trancs. Changes. Both my sons got out of 7 bad years of relationship, where they were beaten this last year. . Stopped using but still drink. My middles girlfriend detests me and i cannot say anything right that she doesnt make evil to my son about me. TODAY he had the nerve to come to my property and tell me I have to stop calling her names whenn Ive bent over backwards to get along with her. SO I attacked my son verbally and emotionally and kicked him out of my life , and how dare him treat me with such direspect, and when he 's ready to make an amends to let me know. I am sure it was the firsttime he heard me say the Lords name in vain and I would have bodily thrown him out of my trailer if he hadnt left. My youngest was bewildered as he is staying with his brother , and has never seen this side of me . Hell, I havent seen thiss side of me !!!! What I am doing ....I am working on going into praise as soon as I can control my mind. I praise him with tears , totally exausted. My reading consentration in the bible is still very poor and I watch the bible I believe that only a christian counselor can help me with these issues and that there is safety in a multitude of counsil. I do not feel I can afford a christian counselor now and there is none as my last in town gave up on God , she admitted. She wittnesed my healing and was in shock. My husband and I after a prayer request were totally delivered from co-dependency Sept 15 th this year. (same night) My happy camping days of being a happy healed MP watching the sun set in my "profile" are over and I need some honesty and some wisdom. I am changing my profile tonight. I am about to publish a book of peotry on my many healings and experiences that give God glory in the form of poetry, as God has inspiried everyone , but I believe these words will bring change hope and deliverance to both the believer and unbeliever, also healing in the home. and I am wondering just what an impact my poems will have due to this battle I am in . going through such a battle. I was healed without much therapy and God has done many , many miricles for me in my life and especially these last two years. Even commitments to pray for the production of Gods work to his glory would mean alot as I dont feel I can pull this off on my own , without prayer support. I have been seeking christian fellowship and gotten turned away over and over when they hear I am a healed MP. I was just sent to the same church as my new Dr, who is awsome. I ask for honesrty as well as understanding how vunerable i am right now . I dont know where else to turn, and I am having a hard time leaving my home. Any counsil would be appriciated, and I know God will bring insight out of it. Thanks for taking this time . God Bless Jubi.