Did you ever feel like nobody wants to hear what's wrong?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ceili, Aug 8, 2005.

  1. ceili

    ceili New Member

    Had a bad few days but didn't tell dh.........he didn't ask either. I'm sure he's hoping I'm better.

    Not sure if this is the right thing to do? Even my best friend called today and asked how I was. I said, 'I'm ok....how are you?"

    I'm trying really hard to take the higher road, stop talking about me and my hurts. So far, so good.

    I'm just a bit fearful that folks around me will think I'm better. I'm not, but trying to fake it so every conversation isn't about "me".

    Have you done the same?
  2. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Yes, I know they don't!

    My late father used to tell me that nobody else REALLY wants to know how you are when they ask "How are you?" He would say that it was one of those polite greetings people would use but never really mean. I saw a list of these type greetings in a magazine once and the "How are you?" was the top greeting!!

    He also added that casual acquaintances most definitely are not interested in hearing about your health and problems, and even your friends and family don't really care!!!!!

    I think is was correct and I try to practice what he preached. I normally reply to anyone other than family with what you said "I'm doing OK."

    To my family and friends, I may reply, "I'm doing OK--I have good days and bad days" and ocassionally I may add "and today is a bad day!"

    I think if they are really sincere in knowing how you are doing, they will somehow let you know. I say this because I had a neighbor at a funeral home visitation last week say to me, "Now really, sweetheart, how ARE you? You look really weak and fragile tonight, I can see it in your eyes."

    So, sometimes, you just have to play it by ear.


    Janet
  3. BxGirl

    BxGirl New Member

    You know what? I feel that I'll never feel 100% so why bother telling people? I NEVER feel right. And your friends and family can't do much to help, so why burden them with this?

    I very rarely discuss how I feel. It just doesn't pay. That's why I come to this board and also talk to a therapist. I don't think my friends and family want to hear it - I certainly doubt I'd want to hear it over and over from one of my friends either.

    Once in a while I'll confide to a friend, but honestly they get frustrated and upset because they can't help. You have US to talk to! You can always tell us how lousy you feel or how tired. Bring it all here!

    Love,
    BxGirl
  4. backporchrags

    backporchrags New Member

    Oh Yes! I usually never bring up my pain in polite conversation. Not to my parents, my sister, my in laws, my friends, anyone. Early into my dx I was ignored and disbelieved by most everyone. Granted, I was young, but it taught me a lesson in human nature that I still carry.
    Only recently have I started to make the people in my life fully aware of my condition and the symptoms that go with it. My symptoms are getting harder and harder to bear. Pain, fatigue and brain fog. I was afraid that my symptoms would be taken the wrong way, eg: if I miss an appointment or forget a name I may be seen as stupid and uncaring.
    I am now letting family and friends know more about FMS. This does not meen I speak of my day to day struggle to them. Honestly, people ask how you are but do not really want to hear the answer. Yes even DH is spared from hearing about how I am feeling day to day. If I am really hurting I will say something to him but on "normal" days I tend to spare him the details.
    I think, I might get tired of hearing someone complain day after day about something that is a constant in their life. So I try to keep my pain to myself. Knowing I can come here and vent makes it much easier.
    Thank goodness I have a forum in which to complain and not be shunned, to vent and be understood.
    Thank you all!!
    hugs, Ceili,
    A
  5. virgo_karen

    virgo_karen New Member

    Boy, I hear you. Nobody really wants to hear how you feel or anything about the pain you are in. I do like the answer when someone asks "Okay, I have some good days and I have some bad days and today is a bad day". I really need to remember that one. At work I can't even say, I'm tired, need to sit for a moment, they say, "I know, you are in pain" really sarcastic. Oh well, what comes around goes around. And one of my co-workers brusied one of her ribs and is very depressed so now she is on cymbalta and muscel relaxers. And, I really don't want to hear about her pain either, she tries though, and I say, I'm going to the bathroom and I will be right back. I know I shouldn't be that way, but if I can't say anything about me, well I just don't have the time to hear about their stuff. I best leave now, I'm really ranting.

    Karen
  6. ceili

    ceili New Member

    No one wants to know details.......we should stop giving them. I learned this too today.......... :)

    I have also found just asking other folks how "their day" is going takes the onus (sp?) off of me. People love to talk about themselves.....not anyone else.

    My suggestion? Use this to your advantage.........tell them it's all going well and you won't have to talk to them for more than 5 minutes. :D

    Then, we can take our own time to heal. :)
  7. pgfnch2

    pgfnch2 New Member

    First of all, no matter what we say to them about our situation, there is NO WAY on God's green earth that they can even begin to comprehend what our lives are like. When we discuss pain with them, they are thinking about the kind of pains they have from time to time. Ours..is DIFFERENT. And without experiencing it, for just one day, they can never understand what we mean when we say "PAIN."
    Second, I think that everyone is caught up in "their own world" and if it's not happening to them, even if they could comprehend, it still would not matter all that much.
    There! I said it!
  8. chazzsmom99

    chazzsmom99 New Member

    the reason why I don't mention to people too often how I feel is it gets repetitious. And also, I see the other side of the coin--my husband is in constant pain, and lets EVERYONE know how he feels, especially me. I really do get tired of hearing about it, and I'm getting to dread asking him, How are you?, because I'll hear about every ache and pain. Granted, he is in pain all the time, but still...That's why I don't share, except here.

    Peggi
  9. sleepyinlalaland

    sleepyinlalaland New Member

    is really just a polite formality, and the polite formal answer is..."fine".

    I am a caregiver (ironic, yes). My duties are very limited, and my condition was understood prior to my accepting this position (it only works because client sleeps VERY late, and needs minimal help). I know he usually does not feel great, yet when querried, will answer "I feel fantastic!"

    So, that is now our code. I also "feel fantastic". He knows what I mean. (bullsomething)

    Fact is, no one REALLY wants to know how you are. The querry is a nicety. Share it (the truth) for an especially-sensitive SIGNIFICANT OTHER...or your mental health therapist. I don't have a S.O., so I share it with a county-appointed therapist. And I'm LUCKY...she believes in me.
  10. natrlvr2

    natrlvr2 New Member

    Noone wants to REALLY know how bad you feel.There has been acouple occasions that I slipped up and let my best friend know,and she was surprised. All I said was...I 'always' am in pain but noone knows it.I sometimes tell my mom but she is in worse shape and she will go on and on and on about every little thing and then she will repeat herself all over again.
  11. matthewson

    matthewson New Member

    I have been very fortunate that mostly everyone I am in contact with (family, friends and co-workers) has been very sympathetic and understanding. I have not had one rude comment said to me! I know, I am amazed myself!

    One lady at work, bless her heart, asks me everyday how I am feeling. I usually say good, but if it is a bad day, I will just say "not so hot today but what can you do." Her daughter has Chrone's disease and she knows what it is like to be sick and in pain.

    The way you can tell your true friends, is if they look you in the eye and ask how you are feeling. It means they really want to know, as opposed to the one's who just say it as a greeting and they really DON'T want to know! That's what I use to gauge what a person wants to hear.

    Take care, Sally
  12. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    does not actually signify that they want to know how you are. It does not mean they DON'T want to know how you are, it is just an automatic "greeting". I usually say fine no matter what, also automatic response. Sometimes if I am really feeling punk, I will say something like, I have been better and then quickly ask how they are.

    I really would rather not talk about me in any capacity. It usually makes me uncomfortable (always been this way), but sometimes if you get me started, look out!!! LOL

    I am very bad to constantly repeat something that is bothering me, no matter what it is. It is like I just can't stop saying it, whether it is, man, my back is killing me, or Gosh, I am starving!

    I also have scaled back on talking about my "illness" all the time at home. It was sort of a compulsive thing at first and now I am trying not to let FM be THE central focus of my life.

    I am not FM, I just have it.

    Sonya
  13. ldbgcoleman

    ldbgcoleman New Member

    I complain to my sister and she complains to me about her divorce and job searching. I really do care about what is going on with her. She is my outlet. I am so lucky my husband is very sensitive to me and my needs.

    The truth is even if you tell someone how you feel they really have no idea what this is like. Your family does care but I think it makes them feel helpless because they don't know what to do or they can't cure you. Men especially because they tend to want to fix things and this is a difficult thing to tackle. When my friend had Lou Gehrigs I had a difficult time for these reasons.

    The people on this board understand. I am really trying hard not to let this be my main focus and to get my mind off my own difficulties. Focusing on it too much causes me to stress out. On the other hand I am trying to concentrate on getting better.

    Take care Celli at least we get it! Lynn
  14. ckm

    ckm New Member

    Even when they say "are you feeling better?". They don't really want to hear NO I'M NOT. I feel like I better just stick with my stock answer and say I'm fine even when I'm not. Then they'll think I'm all better and when I'm not at work they'll wonder why.

    I'm fine, thanks.

    ckm
  15. ceili

    ceili New Member

    I like this response..........I will use it from now on.

    Thanks!!!
  16. pgfnch2

    pgfnch2 New Member

    On the lighter side, I know a woman that is in her eighties, and she always seems up-beat, even though I'm sure she has her share of aches and pains. Anyway, when asked how she's doing, she just cheerfully says, "Well, I was getting better, but I got over it!" It always gets a laugh, and gets people off the hook of hearing a lot of negative stuff! I thought that was cute...
  17. BxGirl

    BxGirl New Member

    Ceili, dear, as long as YOU feel better, that's the most important thing. You said, "I'm just a bit fearful that folks around me will think I'm better. I'm not, but trying to fake it so every conversation isn't about "me".

    Well, what IF people think you're better? What will happen? We suffer so much with this disease that it becomes US. Fibro is only something we have - it is not who we are.

    Please don't let this become who you are and what you totally identify with. When I'm with my friends, I don't discuss it at all. It's chronic - meaning it will never go away. Basically we have to learn to live with it. We have to learn to take the best care of oursevles that we can, and do everything to feel better. But my friends don't want to hear every symptom I have, how tired I get, etc. etc.

    When my mother-in-law has allergy problems, she tends to tell me every symptom - how much she sneezes, what color her nasal discharge is, etc. I don't want to hear it. What can I do to help her? Nothing. I love her, but I don't want to hear it.

    Please don't get angry with me for this reply. I just think that our friends don't need to hear over and over how bad we feel. They must get so frustrated.

    The best thing I can tell you is to go to a therapist. That's who I complain to. That's who I tell all my symptoms and problems to. Please don't let this DD take over your life and be who you are. You are better than that!!!!

    Much love,
    BxGirl