Didn't go to wedding as U know due to health

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by msbsgblue, Jun 15, 2008.

  1. msbsgblue

    msbsgblue Member

    Huge disaster today.

    As you know I was not able to go partly due to finances, but mostly due to FM and arthritis.

    Yesterday mornings (Saturday) I tried to call my grandson and only got his voice mail. I left a message saying that I wished him a great day and that I hoped to hear from him after the ceremony. I left my cell number for them. Last night he only told her that I had left them a message so that he didn't need to call me.

    Then I talked to my daughter and ask her to take her cell with her and dial me after things sort of calmed down and hand the phone to Josh and Cassie so I could congratulate them. I explicitly reminded her to take her cell and she said she would, but there was that tone in her voice that I know only too well. It was iffy.

    So I anticipated a call all evening. Two hours past after the time for the wedding, and I waited patiently, then 3, then 4 and 5, 6. No call. I was quite distraught by this time, and you know what stress does to us. My DH tried every thing in the book to console me, even going to buy me ice cream sandwiches that I love and a lot of hugs and kisses. Off and on my emotions were out of control and stress kept building. By now I was getting a huge headache from crying.

    I actually stayed up until after midnight thinking that somehow this had run late and someone would phone me. I should have known that by then it was 2 A.M.there but still I was trying to grasp for some hope.

    I finally went to be about 12:30 my time but not without my cell by my side.

    I snuggled close as I could next to Bill and after yet another half hour of stess I guess I must have drifted off. I had nightmares about this.

    I awoke with this sadness in my heat. My daughter will never ever know how much I hated this not being able to get there with my illness and the major flare I have been in, and with their salary they cannot conceive how we live week to week. No matter how I try to explain they think they live this way too, well they make good money. We all know that people who have money cannot relate to those of us who scrape by.

    She recently took a trip to N.Y. did Broadway plays etc. Things I can only dream of then they helped the kids with the honeymoon expense. something again I could never have done, yet she tells me we all live from month to month, she has no clue.

    So then she phones me to tell me that she tried twice to get Josh to call on his cell but he refused saying I had left him a message earlier which I did. What he failed to tell her was that I told him I wished him a good day, left them my phone number and ask them to phone me after the ceremony so I could talk to both him and Casey.

    She thens defends that saying well maybe he was just disappointed because I didn't come only for me to not say that to him. I had repeatedly explained what I go through. As we all know not one person not even our doctors know, only others of this that have this No one can know the pain that makes up curl up in a fetal position and this is after we take out pain meds. We don't sleep, any minor stress can turn us from almost o.k. to horrible in a moments time.

    By the times I hit the bed my pain was a 10 after my Percocet. My lymph nodes had swollen under my arms from stress to the point that I could find no comfortable way to lay my arms, this sleep did not come easy. My entire body was on fire by pain. My only comfort was from the warmth of my husbands body.

    I told her today that times go by faster and faster the older and sicker we become. She has not come to WA to see me in 3 years, yet through my pain I have been there twice. The time will only come to fast when I will be no more.

    As much time as I spent with my beloved mother passed to fast as I grew older, and now she has been gone 18 years and still I want to pick up that phone and talk to her.

    Life is too fast paced today, we put off thinking we have years ahead but they are gone only too soon.

    I cannot make her realize this. In replying to me she sits beside her husband in the car telling me now I have ruined her day. Ruined her day, what about mine.

    I raised these two kids alone for several years with a father who did not have time for them. Now I feel she sees him as God or King and I am the rattlesnake.

    Her replies to me by phone lead my son-n-law to think the worst of me. Since he only hears her side of the conversation and she says things to imply that it is all me.

    I am so distraught now. Her closing statement was that I ruined her day today. She had little to say to me.

    If she has taken her phone as I ask her more then once to do yesterday, just dialed my number, and said someone wants to congratulate you, we would not even have had this conversation today.

    Instead now it is all my fault.

    This has been going on for years. My SIL thinks less of me each passing year as he only gets her side of the story.

    She keeps putting off coming to see me, she blames me I guess for looking for my own happiness. One day she will look back, cry and regret that she let time pass her by and I am no more.

    I had finally managed to get 2 good days this week after months of pain and weakness. Now I am back onto a major flare that could last for yet more weeks.

    What should I do, call him, my SIL, and talk to him and tell him?

    I really want you to reply in all sincerity.

  2. Empower

    Empower New Member

    I am so sorrow about all of this...

    I know people do not have a clue

    I am faced with this situation in Nov when one of my favorite nephews will marry

    Try not to be hard on yourself

    You know you would have been there if you could

    Gentle hugs

    Take care

  3. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I can't pretend that I understand what you're going through -- only that your pain, both physical and emotional, come through quite clearly. I do remember your question before on whether or not a bus trip would be a wise move.

    This next part, I hope that I can explain right -- for just a moment, think about your grandson, the groom. You made an effort to call and let him know you were thinking of him. Let that be enough for now. It may just be that all of this wedding stuff has completely worn him out, and that all he really wanted to do was to be done with it and be with his bride. I remember my own wedding -- it seemed that everyone wanted something out of the day, but that all I wanted was to be with my husband and finally have time alone. He probably doesn't have enough life experience to understand what these family milestones -- weddings, especially -- mean for the older generation...a chance to share their happiness and your love for them.

    In my case, the frenzy over the ceremony and all the associated family 'stuff' was so draining. And with his mother being as high-strung as you've described, it may be that he was just trying not to stir things up any more than she already had. Please give your grandson this gift of letting his behavior go. There will most likely be other opportunities for him to come to know you and your struggles as an adult knows another adult, rather than only as a child knows someone through their parents. He is an adult now, too. In the future, communicate with him without the 'middleman' of his mother. If he doesn't reply to a cell call, then write. Kids these days are terrible about writing or calling back -- but let it be his choice, and his decision, not his mother's.

    As to your daughter and son-in-law, for your sake, please, PLEASE stop trying to explain yourself. It is NOT your fault that she has taken this happy event to make it all about herself vs. yourself. There are some things that people only understand when they experience them for themselves. Until then, they remain ignorant in the fullest sense of the word. There's not much fix for it if she is not the sympathetic (or empathetic) type.

    As to you -- you have the blessing of your husband, and his care and love for you. I understand that you were really anticipating being able to give your love to the new couple directly, and that circumstances beyond your control have not allowed this too happen. For the sake of your own health, DO NOT PUNISH YOURSELF by taking all this emotional pain and letting it become your physical pain. Give yourself the gift of doing your best to do what you need to get out of the flare without stirring up this pain and anger any more by trying to explain yourself yet again.

    You are trying so hard to be understood, but it has been at the sake of your health. Putting the pain aside will be difficult, but it is something your must do in order to care for yourself. You are worth it.

    You'll be very much on my mind this next week.
  4. TXPeach

    TXPeach New Member

    Sending you warm and gentle hugs

    I am so sorry you are going through this. You are so right about the stress causing all kinds of problems for those of us who have FM.

    My daughter got married in January and I am still in a horrible flare. Though it was a joyous event, nonetheless, it was STRESSFUL.

    I completely understand where you're coming from and hope and pray that some day your daughter will understand how difficult it is living with this DD.

    All my best to you and God bless.

    LISALOO New Member

    So sorry you had to deal with this.

    I agree with Juloo, weddings are such a mess. I was two months into my illness (not so tired), but all day people were grabbing at us, wanting to talk, take pictures. I don't think I saw my new husband for most of the night. We never really had a minute of free time. Your grandson knows you gave him your best wishes. That's what's most important.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/15/2008]
  6. msbsgblue

    msbsgblue Member

    It is more the attitude of my daughter that hurts. This has gone on with her for years. She waited to call me in front of her husband and I was being as polite and kind as I could be and she is ranting on the other end, that makes me look bad in his eyes.

    She has done this many times.
  7. poets

    poets Member

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I have a sister who is the same way. She has more money than she knows what to do with, and she can't relate when I say we live "hand to mouth." She and her husband are semi-retired and they have excellent insurance benefits. Our insurance is very basic. She called me one day in tears because she thought the eye care part of their insurance could get cancelled! I've never even had eye care on my insurance. And here I am not even able to afford basic medical care such as yearly mammograms, blood tests, and since I'm 55 I can't even afford to have a colonoscopy that I should have had by now. I'd be in debt by thousands of dollars.

    Some times our families can be toxic to us and we need to take a break. I've had to do that with my family at times because I couldn't deal with the heartache over and over again. Fortunately I haven't had this happen with my children, so I can only imagine how you must feel.

    I'm so glad you could turn to your husband for comfort. As far as my husband goes, when I cry, I cry alone. He just walks away.

    Take care of yourself and try to take it as easy as possible. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Gentle Hugs,

  8. msbsgblue

    msbsgblue Member

    I know I should forget it, but it is so hard when I raised my 2 alone from ages 6 and 8 while there day was our caroussing after our divorce. Never had time for them.

    Now that she got in the money and he married some he is like a God to her and I am the forgotten one.

    Hugs to all
  9. SusanEU

    SusanEU New Member

    You poor thing. All you can do is know that you did the best you could, and TRY not to let their actions make you miserable. You are not in the wrong here.

    A couple of years ago, I missed my neice (brothers daughter and the first of the grandchildren to wed) wedding; for the same reasons and didn't speak with my family for a while.

    We can't make them understand, just try and find peace within ourselves so we don't get sicker.

    Keep your chin up.

    Sue in ONtario