Divorce / Separation and CFS

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by cinpet, Jun 13, 2012.

  1. cinpet

    cinpet New Member

    Hello, I am new to this forum. I've been on disability due to CFS since 1995. In the beginning, I used to be involved in online support groups, but after 5 years or so, I got busy with real life and I was better at coping with my situation. However, now after just having my son graduate high school, I am finding out that my marriage of over 20 years is falling apart. Have any of you faced that situation -- a long term marriage ending? I became ill in 1993 so my dx is not a new thing in our marriage. How have you coped?
  2. MicheleK

    MicheleK Member

    Hi Cinpet, I personaly have not gone through a divorce but was separated for ten years with CFS. The separation was not do to CFS though.

    I actually ended up doing better healthwise when we separated. The first year was rough. I couldn't work but had enough savings for half the year and had child support. After that I had to get a job. I somehow managed. But I could not have done it in the first couple months of the separation. Glad I had some savings.

    I have a couple friends who's husbands have divorced them because of the limitations CFS puts on socializing, intimacy, etc. They have all managed with the help of family and friends to make it through emotionally and sometimes materially.

    After ten years my husband changed. We got back together and he is very good about my illness. I am grateful but it was a challenging decade to be sure.

    I am sorry you are experiencing this trouble and hope it will somehow work out.

  3. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. It take a while to develop perspective. Any kind of stress can trigger our illnesses, even when we've been in remission for a long time. I think most of us have had our illnesses for a very long time but it isn't until something triggers them full blown that we get really sick. We can heal multiple times only to have another trigger bring us down.

    Please, take very good care of yourself and if you can, get a good therapist to help you with the stress and grieving. We grieve, not only for our old lives, but for the health which has slipped away. It helped me so much.

    Please keep us updated on your situation and good luck to you.

    Love, Mikie
  4. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    I started getting sick in 1985, though did not develop full-blown CFS (post-exertional malaise) till 1998 and went out on disability in 2001.

    My marriage of 20+ years began to collapse 9 months after I went out on disability in 2001. We had had many problems before then, unrelated to CFS, but I think CFS was the final straw.

    Actually, I decided I needed to leave my husband if he would not/could not take my illness seriously. He generally maintained it was all in my head, very demoralizing.

    We tried counseling and it didn't work. He just wanted out and didn't want to work on our marriage, so that was it.

    It was very hard at first, but it really helped me to have a clear head as much as possible and realize that I would better off without him, that I deserved respect and support and wasn't getting it, and that the stress of living with him was very bad for me. So that got me through. Not everything in our marriage was bad, but the essentials you need were not there.

    Counseling may really help you deal with this. It may not fix your marriage but it can help keep you sane dealing with everything.

    I don't have any regrets about leaving my husband. I know I'm better off without him.

    Good luck - I know this is difficult. Also, make sure you get good legal advice to protect yourself.

    Take care -

  5. ellenelle

    ellenelle Member

    Hi Cinpet,

    I went through a particularly agonizing separation and divorce 10 years ago, after 17 years of being together. In addition to the CFS, which I had had all along, I was also recovering from a broken hip that had required surgery and could barely walk when he made it clear that he was going to leave. Then on top of that, he lost his job and we had to remain living together for another year. So it was pretty wretched.

    A big part of my getting through it was simply the support of my friends and family, and even some strangers. I found if I could talk to somebody, I could hang on, and miraculously, there were a lot of people who are willing to talk to me. It still amazes me, because I was kind of a basket case. I also spoke to a counselor once a week, for more than a year. All of this was by phone, because I was homebound a lot of the time. So my advice to you would be get as much support as you can in person, by telephone, or online, and hang on, knowing it will eventually get better. There is online support for people going through divorce.

    It can take a long time for your heart to catch up with your head. I knew objectively that I was better off without a guy who did the things that my ex did, but I still loved him. Today, I am extremely grateful that he is no longer in my life.

    I also recommend simple mindfulness meditation, which continues to help me. And also the type of meditation where you begin to understand that what you go through is experienced by so many other human beings and you feel more connected rather than isolated.

    Wishing you healing,
  6. neoplus1

    neoplus1 Member

    I was not married, but my exsoulmate and I were together for 8 years. In the past few years my illness got really bad. Basically a few months ago she ended up cheating on me a bunch of times and then left me. Talk about hitting bottom. Anyway, I am really really sorry about your situation and all your situations. It makes me so sad to hear these stories. I hope you all get better. I think we all deserve our health back....we certainly won't take it for granted.